An introduction.. and triggers
This is my first post here.. and though i am unsure why, i feel like telling why i am here, what happened to me, my story.
I've had some time now to heal a little, and i dont know, it just feels right to get it out amongst others who have been down that same dark road and know what it feels like, who can relate.
I was abused by a man who worked at my local school's day care center when i was 8 years old, lured by a promise that he would teach me to play the piano, unfortunately it had to happen behind locked doors, and instead, he raped me in every sence of that word.
This happened 2 or 3 times before i finally found the courrage to tell my parents i nolonger wanted to learn the piano.. though i didn't tell them why.
For 10 years i repressed the memory, and all my dysfunctional behaviour was passed off as signs of my growing depression, and i must have liked it that way for i myself came to forget all about what happened, and lived the lie, untill i turned 18.
One night i was laying awake, unable to sleep, with a horrible feeling welling up inside of me, suddenly i felt dirty and an inescapable urge to take a shower, which i did, but as i was standing there, i kept having a wision of blood running down my legs from my butt, and it slowly started dawning on me why.
Since then i spiraled into insanity, Schizophrenia runs in my family history, and this traumatic event triggered it for me, not only did i have to start dealing with what happened to me, and my depression which i had lived with since the age of 8, i now had to fight the panic attacks and dilusional thoughts, it all came at once, and i broke down, hard.
Since then i was unable to function in any real capacity, and i was quickly unemployed, which lasted for many years, untill recently, at age 23, i was given early retirement, now age 24, i am finally able to function somewhat normally thanks to medication and therapy.. but the scars of the abuse are as deep as ever, and i especially cant function well around other men, large crowds, or in intimate relationships.
My family knows (i told them when i was 19), and have been a great support to me, if not allways able to understand my pain, they have atleast tried their best, and for that i am thankfull, and i've been in therapy for some years, but its allways been hard for me to get anything out of it as i remember so little of my childhood, and what little i do remember is blurred and clouded.
But atleast it did give me some peace of mind that, what i feel, my anger, my confusion, my selfdestructive behaviour and all that, was not unnatural for someone in my disposition.
That, pretty much, is how i ended up here.
I've learned one thing in life, and that is "Empathy belongs to thouse who have known pain", and thats why i am not afraid to speak up here, amongst others who know where im comming from.
I've had some time now to heal a little, and i dont know, it just feels right to get it out amongst others who have been down that same dark road and know what it feels like, who can relate.
I was abused by a man who worked at my local school's day care center when i was 8 years old, lured by a promise that he would teach me to play the piano, unfortunately it had to happen behind locked doors, and instead, he raped me in every sence of that word.
This happened 2 or 3 times before i finally found the courrage to tell my parents i nolonger wanted to learn the piano.. though i didn't tell them why.
For 10 years i repressed the memory, and all my dysfunctional behaviour was passed off as signs of my growing depression, and i must have liked it that way for i myself came to forget all about what happened, and lived the lie, untill i turned 18.
One night i was laying awake, unable to sleep, with a horrible feeling welling up inside of me, suddenly i felt dirty and an inescapable urge to take a shower, which i did, but as i was standing there, i kept having a wision of blood running down my legs from my butt, and it slowly started dawning on me why.
Since then i spiraled into insanity, Schizophrenia runs in my family history, and this traumatic event triggered it for me, not only did i have to start dealing with what happened to me, and my depression which i had lived with since the age of 8, i now had to fight the panic attacks and dilusional thoughts, it all came at once, and i broke down, hard.
Since then i was unable to function in any real capacity, and i was quickly unemployed, which lasted for many years, untill recently, at age 23, i was given early retirement, now age 24, i am finally able to function somewhat normally thanks to medication and therapy.. but the scars of the abuse are as deep as ever, and i especially cant function well around other men, large crowds, or in intimate relationships.
My family knows (i told them when i was 19), and have been a great support to me, if not allways able to understand my pain, they have atleast tried their best, and for that i am thankfull, and i've been in therapy for some years, but its allways been hard for me to get anything out of it as i remember so little of my childhood, and what little i do remember is blurred and clouded.
But atleast it did give me some peace of mind that, what i feel, my anger, my confusion, my selfdestructive behaviour and all that, was not unnatural for someone in my disposition.
That, pretty much, is how i ended up here.
I've learned one thing in life, and that is "Empathy belongs to thouse who have known pain", and thats why i am not afraid to speak up here, amongst others who know where im comming from.
