An experiment (MAY TRIGGER!)

An experiment (MAY TRIGGER!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
It's not been an easy day, and this may make it even harder, but it's something I'd like to try.

In the Unmoderated Forum, I let "Little Scot" write when he thought the SA did to him. He's been actually dialoging (which is, in and of itself, weird), and he's trying to come to grips with what happened to him.

Now, I think it would be a good idea to let him "come out" and communicate with anyone whose stable, grounded, and would like to hear from him.

Is there anyone interested in hearing from him? I'll understand if this is too bizarre, but I promised myself (read "him") I'd float the idea and see what the responses would be.

Please feel free to comment. i won't get offended.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
scot,
i will be there for him, and for you, bro.
 
Okay, I'm going to give this a try. Keep in mind that it's Little Scot that's going to be responding to this. Obviously, I'll be doing the typing, but he will be "in control" and the adult won't be reading this until after it's posted. It worked once, so let's see if it'll work again. As before, anyone who might be triggered, PLEASE don't read this. It could get quite bizarre.


Hi theo and Mike,

Scot told me it's okay to write to you, so I'm going to try.

It's been a long time since I've been out. After what happened, I tried to hide because I was scared of Mr. Price. I didn't want him to hurt me anymore and I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to pretend it didn't happen.

I couldn't tell anyone. He hurt me and told me nobody would believe me. Scot didn't believe me for a while. I know why, but it bugged me because I did it for him too. I knew it would hurt if he knew. I was so scared you'd think I was lying. Mr. Price he told me people would think that. They'd think I wanted to do what he did. he took pictures and everything.

I wish Scot didn't tell anyone because I know nobody believes me. I told lies before, Mom would think I was lying again. I don't know. It felt so good what he did at first, but he got scary and he told me things. I can't even say them. I can't tell Scot, either. I didn't do a good job of stopping it. Now Scot hurts all the time. I'm so sorry.

He's told me it's okay. I'm his hero. I don't feel like one. A hero would'nt have this happen to him. I should've told someone. Mr. Price lied to me about eberything else, he lied about that too, probably.

Scot's been really good to me, but I can't be with him. He blames me, I know he blames me. I let him down and so many things happened to him because of it. he feels so bad. Most of the time he's okay, but he gets so sad and angry. I want to help him, but I don't know how. I can't do anything.

I guess I need to talk. that's all. But I need to know first. Do you guys believe me?

Scot. (I had a nickname growing up, "Boomer," but I thought it was stupid)
 
little bro,
believe you? yes, without a doubt. what mr. price did to you was wrong in so many ways, little scot. little theo did the same for me when we were growing up. he protected us from the worst of it by keeping what mattered safe inside. we were hurt by grownups too, little scot, but little theo kept us safe and kept hope alive because of it. i believe you, with all my heart. as for being a hero, you want to know what a real hero is? a real hero is not one that never finds himself in a bad spot, like you were told or believe. a real hero is one who stands to get out of the tight spot he is in. we all get into bad spots, little bro, all of us. a real hero finds himself in the middle of it and tries to save what he can to survive and carry on. that is a real hero. that is what you are. yes, big scot is sad and angry and confused and really doesn't know how to respond to you very well. i am the same with little theo. we just don't know, little bro, because the only thing we were taught was wrong. we do not want to do that so we are scared and angry at what happened, but not really at you or little theo. we just don't know, but we are trying to stop the lies we were taught. you are a hero, little scot, and you are believed.
 
((((Scot)))))) and (((((Little Scot))))))

Of course I believe you. Any brave child who has survived this and is able to talk of it deserves to be believed, and respected. I admire your strength and courage, and the man you grow into. Thank you for trusting us with yourself.

leosha
 
To Scot first: I have done a good bit of inner child work when I was in therapy. A few things that helped me get in more communication with my little boy (he goes by the name of Jonnie Benchmark and Big Art has no idea why but is ok withthe name) was for me to write a letter to Jonnie and then let Jonnie write a letter to Art with the non-dominant hand. We also did non-dominant hand drawings with big crayons and Jonnie wrote about some of the pictures.

To little Scot,
I'm very happy to be introduced to you. I believe you, very much I believe you. To me, you are a hero, too because you helped Scot survive the things you went through and I'm so glad Scott survived. Thank you so much for that. If you hadn't done the things you did to protect Scott and help him get through it so he could begin to heal from it, I'd hate to think of how much worse off Scot would have been without you and your heroic sacrifice for him. Your sacrifice for Scot tells me you loved him very much and that he is very much worth loving. I believe this, too.
I would be happy to hear from you and Big Scot, anytime. If you reach out and I don't get back with you right away I have not abandoned you and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
Thank you again.

Art

To Big Scot,
I need to do some more work with Jonnie. As I wrote to little Scot, I could feel Jonnie looking out through my eyes and reading my words as if they were for him, too.
Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and share your little boy's heart with me.
 
little Scot:

YOu said
Scot's been really good to me, but I can't be with him. He blames me, I know he blames me. I let him down and so many things happened to him because of it. he feels so bad. Most of the time he's okay, but he gets so sad and angry. I want to help him, but I don't know how. I can't do anything.

I guess I need to talk. that's all. But I need to know first. Do you guys believe me?
Click to expand...
Of course I believe you. But I do think that maybe you should rethink that first part.See I know the older Scot and he does not think that way at all. He does not blame you at all. He blames himself for not being able protect you then. But he should not do that to himself either cause he was not around then. What I really think is that the two of you should just sort of get together and discuss this whole thing because I think that both of you are assuming and not verifying.

How could you let him down. You had no control over the situation and what happened to you was the worst thing that could possibly have happened. And, thinking it was your fault you buried it deep. And you did not have to because it was not your fault, your shame or your guilt. It was transfered to you by that damned perp of yours.

So take my advice Scotty, if I may call you that, and sit down with Big Scot and really get to know each other. You can tell him I told you to do it. I think he knows me well enough to listen to you. Good luck little guy.
 
Little Scot,

Hi. Big Scot knows me. People call me Joe.

It's good that you are able to be here. I know I believe you. I bet everyone here will believe you.

You know what? There are other people like Mr. Price, and they hurt us, too. That's why I'm pretty sure everyone will believe you. We all know how real those things are.

You said something important. You said that you are Big Scot's hero but you don't feel like one.

I bet any real hero never feels like it. Heroes do things because they know it's right. They don't do things just so they can be heroes.

You said, "A hero would'nt have this happen to him. I should've told someone."

Bad things do happen to heroes. Think about stories and movies. Heroes don't let bad things stop them. They keep trying to do what they know is right.

And you did that. You protected Big Scot. You still do.

I think he's a hero, too. He wants to do what's right for you. He wants to help you be safe. Then he will help you be happy.

Don't worry about telling someone. You just did that, too. Right now you are telling lots of someones.

Thank you for writing to us.

Joe
 
First off, thanks for everyone who wrote and answered "Little Scot." It's very unusual to have a part of you that is you but seperate from you. He has a voice when i allow him to take control, and when he wants to, but to know you guys think of him as real too, well, that means a lot to me.

I read your responses both as me and him. I'm not doing well these days, because of some exterior life-stuff, and this almost unmanned me. But it felt great, the support you gave us both. Little Scot also thanks you, and I'll let him do so in a second.

Thank you so much for believing me and him.

Peace and love,

Scot


Hi,

Thank you for listening to me. I didn't think anyone except Scot and our therapist (that was hard. Mr. Price was one too) would believe me.

How many bad people are out there? Why did they hurt you guys too? I'll never get that. Scot doesn't either, but he's trying.

He's gonna talk to me more. He thinks we need to. But we're gonna have fun, too. He told me there's a "Spider-Man" movie out and an "X-Man" one too. It'll be neat to see them. He's gonna let us both watch at the same time.

Thank you guys again. I think I'll talk here more.

Scot, age 11.
 
Hey, Little Scot, check out Peter Parker in the Spidey movie. See how he becomes a hero. You'll see what I meant before.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Little Scot - it's nice to speak to you, it's little Rik here.

Big Rik ignored me for years..he didn't want to believe what I had been through, because he blamed himself (don't know why because Big Rik wasn't even around then).

I kept shouting at him, but he used to drown me out with loud music, alcohol - anything that meant he wouldn't hear me. Not that long back I caught him when he was tired from working too hard and started shouting at him even louder....he heard me & I nearly broke him.

We talk to each other now & it's good...we trust each other & life is so much better! It's nice to be heard and understood!

We have combined our strengths now & we have also let other people in on 'our secret'. Life can still be hard, but it's worth working at.

Best wishes to Little & Big Scot from Little & Big Rik.
 
little scot,
spidey was my hero growing up. what he stood for was something that meant a lot to me. believe it or not, some of the stuff i carry with me in terms of standing up for and with people, and caring, was taken from what i read in spidey. the main thing i will always carry is what Uncle Ben told peter, "with great power, comes great responsibility" i have tried to live those words in my life. parker does not always make it come out right, but he keeps trying, and he never hurts anyone except to control the bad guys. he is a hero, not because of what he can do as spiderman, but because of who he is as peter parker and that he keeps trying. thats what real heroes are, little scot, and that is what you and big scot are. you both keep trying to not only get better, but to keep reaching out to others. real heroes care and try. enjoy the movies, and give a spidey swing for me and little theo :) . take care, little bro.

scot, keep him away from the lone ranger :) i have got to stop that :D !
 
Hi, my people (brothers and sisters included),

First, i want to thank you all for the compassion you've shown Little Scot. He really needed to reach out beyond me and beyond what's happened to him. At first, both of us thought it was a bit daft to be Two, but the more we see that it's happened to other people, the more we realize that it's just another step to healing and reunifying.

It's a lofty goal, but I think we'll both manage it now, eventually.

Now, for the REALLY unusual thing.

I told my therapist about "Little Scot" last night, and lo and behold, she wanted to meet him. It was the first time that I gave him my "voice," and it was a strange, but good experience.

When I let him take over, and he wanted to come out, it was like I was sitting in front of a two-way mirror. I could hear and watch him, but it WAS him! Higher voice, scaled-back vocabulary (although I've always had big words :D ) and everything. He still wanted to know if he was believed. The little guy STILL thinks everyone will believe he lied!

Well, anyway, any feedback will be, as always, appreciated. Little Scot wants to say something, so'I'll let him close.

Hi,

Thanks for all the nice things you've said. It's still very hard, but Scot and I are talking more. It scares me sometimes, how much he hurts, but he wants me to work on my hurt too.

I don't want to. Mr. Price hurt me so much. I don't think I can ever talk about it. Scot thinks I should write my story here, but I don't know if I can. What do you think?

Mom and Dad let me use "salty language" (Scot's "term" for cussing. Cool eh?). Never the "heavy duty" words, but some. Scot says it's okay for me to say what I think of Mr. Price. So here goes. He's a fucking bastard.

Wow. That felt good. But I don't think I'll do that again for a while.

Thank you for me and Scot.

Love,

Scot, age 11

Peace and love from myself, brothers and sisters.

Scot
 
David ( also 11 ) believes you.

The only kid I went through boarding school with, and trusted, was my friend Mick - also abused.
He's no longer with us, I miss him badly.

It's so good to have some kind of link with the few good things of our childhood, and another kid I can trust is cool.

Dave
 
Hi, guys, it's little Scot

Scot's letting me talk to you today because I think I need to help him with something. 've tried for a long time, but I couldn't keep it all away and today he's really hurting and mad. Not at me, he said, he'll never be mad at me, but mad at something he did a couple of years ago.

He was looking for someone to make him feel special and he let another man take him somewhere. They were doing some of the stuff that Mr. Price did to us, but it was okay for a while because that's what Scot wanted. But then the man pulled out a gun and made him do bad things and hurt him. I knew what was going on and I tried to take the memories away like I did when Mr. Price hurt me, but I slipped and it all came back.

He was having bad dreams for a while now and now he wants to hurt himself. He wants someone else to hurt him that same way. Scot feels sick He feels like he's bad for wanting it, but I know he's not bad. He doesn't really want it but because of the bad men who hurt us, sometimes he feels like he wants to be hurt all over again. He's so sad and angry right now. He feels ashamed. I feel ashamed because I couldn't protect him.

What's really bad is that, even though he was having the bad dreams, we had a really good weekend. We saw "Spider-Man" at home and it was really neat. :) . Then, we went to the movies and saw "Hellboy," which was kinda scary but it was cool and the good guy said something that we're trying to remember. "It's not where you came from, but what you do that's important." Scot was being a little lazy about aking care of his car stuff, but he was feeling real good and he wanted me to be a kid. It was fun!

It's just that now he's hurting, and he knows he can make it, "tough it out," he calls it, but I know he needs help. Please help him. He feels so bad right now.

Thanks guys. I know you'll help him.

Love,

Scot, age 11.
 
scot and litttle bro,
guys, i know it is bad right now. try to find something that can be safely distracting. the place you are in now, scot, is a dangerous place because of the extreme insecurity and confusion. if you can hold it off somehow by distracting yourself until you can balance out, it might help. at this point, that is about the only thing i can offer. little bro, i am proud of you. scot, i am proud of you as well, being able to interact with little scot and being there for each other. someday i hope to be able to do the same with little theo, who says hello by the way :) . i am here for both of you.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top