an email I wrote to a friend about my emotions

[markgreyblue]

Here is an email I wrote a week or so ago
about my sense of my relationship self -
I am not knowing much - but here are my thoughts -I just hope somebody can see something -
any thoughts?

here's there note:

********************

J -

You seem to have a really good insight into certain stuff - life issues, especially -

I was lying in bed resting -
in and out of sleep and awake -

and thinking how shut off in some ways I am
from relationships -

I yearn for emotional relationships with men -
but often am too scared myself for anything
but a hook up - well at least so far -

I have been very open in relationships in the past
but naively so -

and so the relationships was both
damaging and hurtful
at the very least to me -

- and of course did not last -

I do want you to know that
I was lying there and realizing
in some kind of allegorical way
some things I like
and want -

well - you know I mostly have dated
Irish men -
everyone was at least a little Irish -

lol
who knows why?

but also now find myself -
knowing I have also dated
older men - for the most part.

I also know that at times -
there is the desire to have someone care for me
- be strong too -

and yet also be wise enough to say -
"watch out there mark' -
...put me in line, if I get irresponsible
- not derisively, though.
- you know what i mean - ???

I dunno - again - maybe this is naive -
maybe this is an indulgence
to want this kind of
fantasy - for it to exist
in at least elements of relationship -
i dunno who knows -

when i was young i imagine an equal partner - really - I had that dream at 5
years old or so -
but as I have grown -
I am seeing my emotional need of sorts
- it brings me to feel safest in the above
mentioned relationship -
since i have missed out on so much
pier social education -
or tolerance - I think
in some ways
I need to work on that -
or is it gone -?

ugg -

I hope you are well and having a good weekend-

Mark
*********************

and here is his response:

*********************************

Thanks, Mark.

The best thing you can do
is to talk to guys you like
about these feelings.
In this way, you can see how
they react to your needs
and this well tell you
if they are relationship material.
To open up about yourself
and your needs is difficult
but very liberating
and it scares away the bad guys!

All the best,

J

*************************************

I liked his suggestion -

Today actually I am feeling much stronger and much more inclined for an equal partner -

oh I can't describe it -

but there it is

ok - back to the work search!

mgb

 

[Darkheart]

mgb,

You are wanting the same thing pretty much that I did. And yes, do not be afraid to open up and say I want this from you. My bf loves playing the supporter/protector role, likes being there to support me. Has been good for me to have someone there to "keep me in line" and keep me from hurting myself, ya know?

 

[markgreyblue]

cool D thanks!

 

[michael Joseph]

wish i knew what i want things get so confusing

hell a job would be nice, I need to go slow with everything else.

Thanks mark that was helpful to read.

mj

 

[markgreyblue]

sure you bet michael j

hang in there - take it slow is a good idea

day to day - just keep doing
what your supposed to do in front of you to take care of your life -

the job and what you want willr reveal itself
and
happen eventually -

just keep plodding -

i am getting an image of both a jigsaw puzzle - and just keep like doing everything -
taking out the garbage -
shower and shave -
laundry -

and writing your notes of what u need for the week to do
and do some of it -

for me usually -
not all gets done -
but slowly the pile gets smaller
but that is a start
and also i started to go into the public
arenas - and now i have met more people
and learned more -
tough some but good to learn -

day to day michael - hang in there

((((Big HUGS)))))))))))))))

xo
Mark