ambushed by my family!!

ambushed by my family!!
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
this has been one hell of a day ,the only person in my family i have had contact with in the last 10 years is my grandma ,she kept up with me through all the foster homes and when i got to be 18 i moved here to be near her ,she is in a nursing home about 20 miles away .i got a call today that she is very sick and i should come to the home as soon as possible .just saw her 4 days ago she was fine .when i got there they said she has been saking for me for the last 3 days ,but her son wouldn't let them call me,her son? no one but me has even seen her in at least 3 years ,i asked which son ,they said my dad. now i'm freaked my dad never cared about her .i asked why they called me and they said i was the only one she wanted to see ,so they called .ok now i'm not only confused but i'm pissed off .as the nurse took me down the hall there was a group of people around her room ,i started to get dizzy ,couldn't breath ,no it can't be!!! but it was . MY DAD! also my aunt and uncle the perps parents ,and my other aunt and uncle ,i ain't seen any of them since i was 11,i wanted to run the other way ,i told the nurse i can't be around these people and started to leave ,the nurse said they are family can't make them leave and my gran might not make it through the night . i told her i had to leave ,she said gran has been crying asking for me . guess i have changed in 10 years they still hadn't recognized me .as i got to the room i looked at my dad ,i could see he knew me now ,i was shaking sweating felt sick .at first i wanted to hit my dad ,to beat him senseless for letting my cousin hurt me then kicking me out of his life for turning my cousin in,for not responding to my letters ,then i wanted to run to him and hug him not one of them spoke as i walked into the room they followed me in .gran could only whisper but she told me to tell them to leave us alone ,they refused but the nurse made them leave,gran told me i was the only one who cared about her and she wanted to leave her stuff to me i called the nurse and she said it in front of the nurse ,gran was sleeping in and out i know she is dying she is 95 years old ,i don't want to stay there and watch her die ,but i'm afraid to go out where my family is .i know their gonna shit when the find out about her not giving them anything ,i'm afraid to face my dad ,i'm back to wanting to kill him again ,how could they do this ,just show up no warning ,gran could have died and they wouldn't call me !!i went in the hall and my dad came over to me he tried to put his arm around me ,i pushed him away ,both my uncles grabbed me and told me to show some respect for my dad ,i told them i would show how i felt ,i spit in his face . and told them he was never my dad .they all started telling me that i was keeping our family apart by holding a grudge !! my aunt said i would never be better till i forgive her son for hurting me !! i just wanted out of there i can't believe they thought they could come back into my life like nothing happened ,my dad told them to call security and throw me out,he told security ,that damn kid is nothing but trouble ,i told them i would see them in hell before i forgive that animal .i don't know but it feels like they sucked the life right out of me ,seeing them was too much ,i wasn't ready .feels like i been beat up again . now i don't know if gran is still alive ,the nurse said they would call if she gets worse but i don't think they will let me back in . i need to be there for gran she don't want to die with those people with her she told me . it is too much all at once , shadow
 
Shadow,

I'm not sure what I can say here. The situation is all so grim and surreal.

I try to think what I would do in such a situation. I think I would want to be there for my grandmother, but refuse all contact with the others. Just tell them that you are an adult now and you are there to support your Gran, not to bicker with them. They are welcome to their opinions, but the corridor outside your grandmother's room is not the place to start an argument. Try not to get too emotional with them. That takes strength, and you need that for your grandmother.

Much love,
Larry
 
Shadow,

More tears here. I'm not sure if you're just wanting to vent here about this or if you're looking for advise. If you need to vent about it all, just go for it Bro, We'll listen.

If you are wanting some kind of advise I'll try to tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. I'd be there for my Grandmother and just ignore the fact that they are there. Not say a word. Just let them blow off their steam. Don't let them bait you, my friend. You deserve better than that. If you react to their bait, they've got you. Dont' give them the satisfaction. Bottom line? Grandma needs you. Be there for her if you can.

Love you Bro,

John
 
Shadow
Listen to Larry, he talks sense.

Stand your ground, be strong and don't fight about it now. Be there for your Gran.

Dave
 
Shadow,

We were going to cover this in chat last night, but with your connections fouling up and my hectic schedule for my last 24 hours in the States it just didn't work out. But we'll connect soon - I know you need to talk, and it's great that you can do that.

I want to come back on this issue of "family" bro, and I want to do this because I can see how badly you have been hurt - in the past and now - by your family's unability/unwillingness to support you.

We all need our family, even if it can't be blood relatives. What we need are safe people who love us and care for us and with whom we can share our fears and pain. That can be close friends as easily as blood relatives, and in my case I have some close friends with whom I feel as close as if they WERE actually my relatives. On the other hand, my family has its own ample share of professional idiots and assholes. Those people I am prepared to write out of my family circle without a second thought; I don't need their crap or their gossip and backbiting, and I'm just not prepared to share with them when I know they can't be trusted.

I guess where I'm going with this, Shadow, is saying that you may have to let go of your father and others where your healing and recovery as a survivor are concerned. That doesn't mean you should stop loving them, just that if they are unwilling or unable to stand with you on this, that is their loss. You just have to readjust your boundaries to exclude toxic people and keep close to you only those who are safe. I know that isn't easy, but believe me, it can be done.

You are already hurting so badly at what was done to you and how others have failed you. You DO have the right to protect yourself and keep your distance - emotionally and perhaps physically as well - from such people, even if they are "family". You have a right to ask yourself whether they even know what the idea of "family" really means, beyond the privileges and powers they can claim for themselves.

Much love,
Larry
 
Shadow,

As usual Larry has hit the nail on the head. It's good counsel he shares. My heart goes out to you in this situation.

Safe Hugs,

John
 
Shadow,

First let me say I am sorry to have to see you go thru this hell but you will be a better person for going down this path.Be there for your grandmother as she passes she needs you more then anything else and she needs to know you will surpass all the bullsh*t with the rest of the family this is probably what she is looking for at her last moment as family members pass they want to know that the other person living on is going to be able to live on but that does not mean you just let everything go you have as memories or good thoughts about the time you spent with your grandmother.

I myself have lost many i cherished and not a single day goes by that they are not on my mind or with me in heart and soul.I lost my grandmother who's son abused me and there are days I wished I could take back spiteful things said as i tried to tell my grandmother what her son did to me and she told me that it never happened I loved this woman but could not stick around and continue to get hurt.I have had to face family members at funerals before including my abuser as his father passed prior to his mother and I have felt the very same thing you are now what I would say to you brother is stand tall and take no prisnors be the BETTER MAN say nothing that says more then to take out really how you feel and then when your ready let it out in a more constructive way I have learned finally this week you will never get what your looking for out of the person who abused you so don't give this person the satisfaction of knowing you or how you feel unless it means something to you to do so so you will be a better person for it.

Be there for your Grandmother no one else!!

Remember ambushes can have a two way street when they are least expecting it.
 
i want to thank you all for your support ,i need to respond to larry's post ,about giving up people you love ,the thing is i don't love these people ,i don't know them ,i can never make sense of the things they have done ,they condemend me to a life in foster care hell ,they hold the only good thing i have ever done against me ,turnning in my cousin.they turned their back on me at age 11 now they seem concerned about our family! i can't explain how seeing them made me feel ,it made me feel dirty somehow ,but guess what their gonna have to deal with me if they want anything of my gran's . question? ,should i confront them about what they did to me ,there are so many things i want to say to them ,i'm not afraid of them . also my grandmother passed early today thank god the nurses let me in to be with her ,but god dam it i just don't feel anything ,somebody has died here and i just feel ,blank!!she was all that was left of my life before abuse ,what the hell did these people turn me into?i want to feel sad ,i want to cry ,i feel guilty because i'm not ,even this post ,i went on whinning about my problems and waited till last to mention her death. there is something missing in me .i'm as cold as the person that hurt me!!
 
Shadow, I have some idea of the lack of sadness or ability to cry you speak of. I used to wonder what was the matter with me. Once in a while I would force tears over some event or other in an efffort to try to make myself feel better. Didn't work.The tears finally came.

Don't try to rush it or push it. Take this thing one small step at a time. The tears will come in their own time. You've spent so much time just in survival mode. When bad things happen to children they are not equipped to handle it emotionaly or any other way. They develop strategies to protect themselves which include submerging the pain and emotion. It's the only way to survive in many cases.

I would sure look into counseling. I seem to remember a discussion about that involving you asking about therapy. It would seem to me that the system owes you something. Take advantage of the advise from which ever of the guys said he as experience with advocasy for situations likek yours. If you don't have the money contact the local crisis center. they may have information that can get you headed in the right direction.

Shadow, please know that we care about you and what happens in your life from here on out. You are loved here in the best possible way.

((((((((((((Shadow))))))))))))

John
 
On the note of not being able to cry. Considering the big picture, it is not unusual for people that went through trauma not cry. You may even some day cry at the littlest things. I think I can remember a time when I was unable to cry for things that most people cry over. Being a guy alone adds an emotional handicap.

I feel for your loss even if you are not able to yet.
 
Shadow, Didn't cry a tear when my mother died. Couldn't understand why. We were very close. After she died, I started remembering my abuse. I was protecting her, I guess, without realizing it. I still haven't cried about her death, although I've cried about everything else in the world. Don't be hard on yourself. You loved her very much. Crying is a signal that we have been able to some way release our emotions...not that we have them. Some times our emotions are so overwhelming that to deal with them would simply be too much. You will cry, when you are able to cry.


I can't begin to imagine all of the things you're going through right now. The fact that you were there for your grandmother in spite of everything else shows what an incredibly strong person you are. You will instinctively know what is best for you emotionally. Do that. Protect yourself emotionally. You're talking to Larry. This is a good thing. We care about you, Shadow. We really do.

Bobby
 
Shadow,
Standing there in the hall way, they can never have what you already have with her. Even if they stand there forever.For hearts once bound in love, can't be done apart, even by death.

The light you have given her, thru your life is what she will carry along, when she crosses over. That is something what never dies. For you will always find her living in your heart.

You know you have really touched someone when they remember you on their death bed. That is sign that your heart has truly learned to love.
And its time for you to take a bow.
 
Shadow,

I feel for you mate, I'm very sorry for your loss. Your Gran sounded like a remarkable woman who could see all the love as well as the pain in you and loved you unconditionally.

Don't be too concerned about not crying because you obviously feel the loss deep in your soul. People grieve for the loss of loved ones in all possible ways - just because you haven't been able to cry doesn't make u cold hearted. It may happen at the graveside or at some other time.

Considering everything else that has gone on at the same time I'm sure your emotions have run amuck. But from what I have read I can tell that you are crying on the inside, because your Gran's death has affected you deeply. U say you are numb. Could that be because the one family member who has been there for you is now gone?

My deepest sympathies and thoughts are with you Shadow
 
hi guys need to talk but all this is over running me ,my gran made me excuter whatever that is ,people expect me to know what to do ,where to send the body!? who is paying for the funeral,nursing home wanting paid ,this is crazy ,and my damn family driving me crazy ,how strange is that ,till yesterday i had no family ,now they want to know where the will is !! how the hell would i know !?,i just want them to go away ,and last but not least ,my abuser has permission from the parole officer to come to the funeral!!!!!!!i can't deal with this i'm not old or strong enough !!my mind is going numb shadow
 
Shadow,

First of all, whatever you have to do concerning your grandmother's affairs just focus on the idea that you are doing this for her memory, not to please anyone else. It will be crazy the next few days, yes, but you ARE strong enough and you will get past this. Dealing with the estate of a deceased relative is always difficult.

Executor means you are the one she named and trusted to take care of her estate: paying bills, ensuring that her will is followed, and so on. The executor has legal authority over all that. As for the will, there might be a copy at her bank or in a safe deposit box if she had one. Her will is the document where she has said what she wants to happen to all of her possessions. I don't know how this works in the USA, but perhaps you should call your bank and ask for advice.

Don't blame yourself for things like not crying, and certainly don't compare yourself to the guy who hurt you. As others have said, the tears will come when you are ready. Right now you are in "survive" mode.

Just take these things one day at a time. This will be difficult, absolutely, but you will get through it. You have already been through worse.

Do have a look at how guys here are responding to you. Behind the names in cyberspace there are real people who care a lot about you and will try to help you any way we can.

Much love,
Larry
 
Shadow,

I have 2 things to say.

1) I am a nurse in a nursing home. I have seen many people die. I've seen how some families treat each other. I've seen the horror of which you speek, I've had to call the cops to break up fights among family members while granma or grandpa lay dying. I've seen the pain in eyes of the children as all the crap is going down. It breaks my heart Shadow that you, a friend of mine even if we have never met, has to go through this crap. I've seen with my own eyes how hurtful it can be.

2) It appears that the ability to shed tears has been stolen from you. That does not make you less human. That does not make you less caring or that you have no heart. The Shadow I have come to know is a very kind and caring man. He has strength, he went back to the nursing home to see Gran when he knew that the family that ambushed him would be there.

Shadow, if we ever meet, I have a big bear hug for you.

Hang in there my friend, the tears will flow someday.

Darrel
 
You can do this Shadow! one step at a time. You will be very much in my thoughts over the next few days.

Darrel
 
thanks so much for sticking with me i don't know if i should be talking here about this it don't involve abuse ,but in a way it does.i took the advice and called the bank ,we only have one . they got the lawyer who did my grans will ,i talked to him on the phonehe has all the papers ,my gran still has her house and some land here ,house is run down ,and some stocks .and insurance.my aunt called to say they want to read the will and they are selling the house ,well guess what ,IT ALL BELONGS TO ME!! THEY ARE GONNA SHIT!!my gran put in her will they get nothing because they abandoned me ,my dad didn't want me ,my aunts or uncles could have raised me ,but they turned their backs on me ,my gran was too old to raise an 11 year old . she wanted to make up for what her family did to me ,she was one cool old lady! i'm trying not to think about my abuser being in a hotel 10 miles away ,maybe if i tell them they get nothing they will leave and skip the funeral they only came here to get something . gonna sleep with a loaded gun till he is gone ,funeral tomorrow ,wish me luck . shadow
 
CRYING OUT ALOUD
The issue of inability to shed tears has made think of one more thing I am unable to cry out aloud.
While I was being beaten as a child, often in the loo. I was asked to muffle my voice, or I'd get some more. My father used to beat me with the tap on.
So now I cant bring myself to cry out aloud, even while I am crying full on! I still cry as if I m a child crying quietly on my bed. Even today, no one gets to know that I have cried the whole day.
 
Oh, God! What a story! Try to put this all in a film script or TV story and the public wouldn't believe it.
But, Shadow, you know that we believe you. And we believe IN you. I also believe that you are old enough and strong enough to do what has to be done as executor to fulfill Gran's wishes.
Don't be rushed or pressured by anyone. When stressed, take a couple of deep breaths. And move forward one step at a time.
Keep us posted.
Love, etc.,
 
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