Am I wrong?

Am I wrong?
B

beccy

Registrant
I had a conversation the other day with my bf about the issue of acting out. I was feeling very insecure about the whole thing and wanted to talk about it. The things he said led me to feel there was some possibility he may want to do that in the future, and when i asked, he said, ''well that book said it can be helpful for the healing process''. Now, I have no idea why it took me a whole day to process how much MORE that made me feel insecure and angry too. Anyway, we talked about it again the next night and he said, it was just the first thing that came into his head. Not what he actually thinks himself. I couldn't understand why he hadn't thought that it might make me feel worried. Then we talked about his reactions in general to me showing insecurity and it was very clear that he is actually quite mean to me in that situation.

Anyway, it's taken me another whole day to realise how hurt i feel by the way he's always been with me if i'm insecure and I brought it up just now. I showed some anger about it and he started looking hurt. I said I refuse to be made to feel like I've been horrible in some way and can we have a proper conversation about this. But, it's clear to me that we can't, so I've left it.

I'm sick of being treated like shit for having normal feelings.

The basic jist of it seems to be, that in this senario, I am not his partner, but his mother or something. Like, he said it's like he's let me down, or dissapointed me in some way/caused me misery etc, and so he becomes defensive/mean??!

I said I would like us to be able to talk about these things as PARTNERS/ADULTS.

He wants things to be roses and flowers all the time, but they're not.......and if there's difficult things to talk about, I'm the one who's supposed to hold everything together, find solutions etc


sorry to be miserable yet again

peace
Beccy
 
Beccy,

Have you checked out wwwbpdcentral.com yet?

He is shifting the responsibility of his feelings onto you.And yes. I undestand why you feel like his mother. He probably views you unconsciously as a mother figure. Without recovery, he has not fully emotionally matured, or been propperly parented. He needs to be "reparented" with the help of a therapist. Until that happens, all of his relationships with other adults, will be some form of his looking for a parent.

He is also enmeshing. That is very unhealthy.

also look at the main pages of www.drirene.com

I feel for ya' beccy. It is a tough row to hoe. Maybe he could do some of the on line therapy links I gave you- they are free- I know money is tight for you guys- and amazon has a lot of great books on recovery- second hand for really cheap?

Hope this helps and a big hug. i know what you are going through.

Bunny
 
Thanks Bunny,

I'm sitting here feeling some sort of guilt and trying to figure out if I really was unreasonable. Maybe I was. I don't think I was.............

He's gone upstairs and not spoken to me yet and now I wonder how long this will go on? Should I start up conversation, or would then 'enable' further negative behaviour? What if i was slightly unreasonable, then it would be right for me to go and start up a conversation?

CONFUSED


peace
Beccy
 
Beccy,

Have you and your b/f gone to any kind of couples counseling? You're both in such terrible places that it doesn't seem like you're able to communicate with each other without things deteriorating into an argument. It seems like you're both trying so hard to stand your ground for what you believe is right for yourself - and that's good - but neither one of you is hearing what the other is really saying.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
btw, no you're not wrong to be upset with even the thought that he would want to be with another person. It's perfectly natural.

It may be something he's thought about and he was trying to tell you that. Such thoughts are common among survivors and sometimes those thoughts are acted upon which is a nightmare. Could he have been trying to communicate that to you and you reacted to the threat? I can understand your end of it, but if it's something he's struggling with and wanted to talk to you about it then that's good isn't it? It's certainly better than him going out and acting out.

Not having been in the room for the conversation I certainly don't know how it went down. This is just food for thought. It seems like your both reacting to situations instead of taking a deep breath and having a conversation, sometimes we need a third party to help us learn how to do that.

ROCK ON......Trish
 
Well,

thanks Trish........he came down stairs in the end and HE started up a conversation!!!!!

He said a lot of things go through his head about the whole issue that I had asked about and it gets all confusing and it shuts him up. So, he said he still has the 'fantasy' about a man and that's very real for him still. But, since he realised the link between it and the abuse, the compulsion to act out has gone and not returned consistently for months. That's good. Then he said, while the fantasies were abuse oriented, he wouldn't want to go and have sex with a man, but that if they changed and were no longer abuse oriented, it might be something he would consider. I obviously felt very threatened by this and said, well there might be lots of things I might consider doing too if it comes that. He said why did I have to see it like a threat???!!!!!! I simply explained that it IS a threat to the security of us. Then he said he had only meant in theory if he was single, not WITHIN our relationship. I felt paranoid then, that he was only saying that, because he was too scared to be truthful, so I said that. He said, no, it was just him and his stupid mouth, again not thinking before he speaks and saying things all wrong. I was very clear about the fact that if the truth of it is that he does see it as a possibility, I would rather know that and deal with that reality, than a lie. He insisted he was being truthful.

The whole conversation was very mechanical and I felt no reassurance. I said, ''I'm your partner, not your mother/therapist/friend and the way you just talked to me, doesn't make me feel reassured.'' He did seem to understand.

We had some good conversation after that, but today I've got up feeling the same as ever. Unsure of our future. We have two young children and we've been together 12 years, and I need more commitment than this. I just feel too insecure. I think I more or less have some understanding of where he's at in his head, cause I've been there. I've been very confused, thought I wanted something else etc etc. But to me, that means that he could potentially come out the other side of this and absolutely realise he doesn't want to be with me. What am i supposed to do/feel under my present circumstances? If we didn't have kids, I don't believe I would wish to stay living together while he can't reassure me more about his commitment to me.

I don't know....

I do know it makes me want to go crazy too.......act out myself. What's the point in any passionate expression of committment on my part, if I don't feel it in return?


peace
Beccy
 
We talked again this morning.....

I told him how I still feel. He said he feels he hasn't communicated things clearly to me, and so I missunderstand what he means. I know that! It's ok between us and he's respecting the fact I can't have too much physical contact at the moment while I feel like this. I'm so relieved not to be so desperate anymore! I'm also so relieved this doesn't make him angry/withrdraw/become depressed. It is VERY clear to me that we both need to reach a point where we feel more secure with eachother and I'm trying to work on my side of it, by starting off wiht the things I need.

IT IS HARD WORK


peace
Beccy
 
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