Am I wrong? Give me advice please
Mario cooper
Registrant
Hi my name is Mario. I am from a third world country. I am 22 male. I was 12 or 13 when a neighbour next door started sexually abusing me almost daily. First it was kind of like a game. He was like 19 or 20 maybe at that time.
Then he started threatening me that if I told anybody he would harm me. I did not know what was being done to me. I never told this to my parents.
I was able to get rid of him because of a religious ceremony and I was beptized. I told him that I can not do this anymore. Maybe I was 14 at that time. I was so dumb or innocent I used to call him brother.
So he used to bully me also sometimes. I was not much active physically or good in games etc. So was mocked by others usually. I am shy and a bit anxious when I am outside in public. Not much.
So I forgot everything and was continuing my life. I used to treat everyone normally, even that abuser too. I was not angry? I don't know why. Maybe I was scared of speaking out. I do not know how to express anger maybe. One friend told me about this, I didn't know this. Some guys in uni, were very toxic. They knew I never fight. Used to say shit. And I would have been in my head talking to myself thinking something else. Later in the room I used to feel bad about what they said and stuff but it was too late mate.
So this started happening last year. I was good in academics. But my father was not healthy. He used to get visual migraine with auras too. We did not know what was this. Local doctors had no clue, as my dad did not know how to explain it. My dad used to feel powerless for some minutes. I was scared as I was living in my hostel.. I found online a forum and found some animations on youtube and showed my dad. He confirmed that this was visual migraine with aura. He did not recieve salary of 6 months because of the company he works in is in loss. He received it later.
He also do not have gallbladder. I started trying to earn money online. We are poor from beginning. I was depressed and got laid back/procrastinated. Got some projects from friends. Some projects were out of my capabilities and I failed to deliver them. I used to do web development and I was learning. I failed in 2 exams. I had scholarship and my tution fee was waived as I had good rank. Now I will have to pay tution fee too. It has really lowered my confidence and self esteem. I was good in one thing and it was lost too. I tried polyphasic sleep and stuff and i failed. I was not able to focus on studies. Others were getting good marks and I was failing. I felt maybe jealousy, anxiety, and all that. I earned some money not much. I had big dreams (maybe bipolar disorder), that I will get rid of my poverty and I will earn this much so easily. Online marketers make you believe anything. They say you can earn good money in freelancing. You can but it is very hard. Or at least to me.
I used to watch some TV series. They triggered a lot of thoughts. I watched a tv series called Mr. Robot. It resonated with me. It showed a vigilante hacker who was abused as a kid and helped in fighting crimes. I know it was fiction but it triggered me alot. I realised how much bad was done to me. And what was my fault? I could have been injured badly and who would have been responsible for my family. Watched batman too. Please don't watch these. I remember when I was at that age I fell very ill one day. And I was not even able to walk. I recall that. That thought has chained with other mix thoughts.
This started happening, I started getting thoughts of confrontation day in day out. That I will expose him to world. But it's been 10 years and I have no proof. Also that my father will not be able to handle this I guess. He is very strong mentally and would probably try to punish that guy. I am also not scared of him (maybe)
I am getting dreams almost everyday of confrontation where I expose that guy. That guy is married now and is living with confidence. He even suppresses other people as if he wants to fight. He still lives near my home. He doesn't talk to me though, and I too doesn't. He ignores me.
Everyday I want to confront him, but I have no proof, also I live in a hostel away from my family and I fear that he would harm my family. One part of my brain says go confront him. I suppress myself and self criticize myself as coward.
Some friends of mine (online) I talked to, said that I should move on and focus on future.
Other bad thing that happened is that my brother is 18 he used to play with girls. He behaves somewhat like girls. One other guy 2 years ago tried to abuse him but he ran away. He did not tell this to anyone. I somehow got this out of him. I checked his phone and I found some shocking things. I don't want to tell what. He was part of gay forums. I told about that pedo accident with my brother to my mom and she was shaken by it. She said that my brother should have told about this as soon as it was happened. And now if we go fight him, he will make our lives hard as this is his area and that I should forget it. I see my brother and I feel bad. Well tbh my mother also is not healthy. My brother too had typhoid last year. It was hard time for me tbh. I am emotional.
I know I am coward. I know I am. I won't be able to get job this year and my life seems totally fallen apart.
I can not get rid of this dreams. I procrastinate. I criticize.
That guy that abused me is married and have a 1 year old daughter. Maybe he have stopped all that now, but who knows.
I want to ask what should I do? Should I confront these pedos like a real man or just move on, which I can't since several months. I am poor and can't afford therapy. I can not go legal too. Legal system is not good and will probably not go in my favour. I read feeling good new mood therapy book upto anger management. After that I left it, because of triggers. Social media and procrastination ruined me.
Thank you for reading all this. Sorry for triggering.
Can you suggest me what should I do? And if I am coward, how can I be stronger. I have lost faith in humanity and if I have to survive I have to be stronger and smarter. Help me please. One thought triggers so many.
Then he started threatening me that if I told anybody he would harm me. I did not know what was being done to me. I never told this to my parents.
I was able to get rid of him because of a religious ceremony and I was beptized. I told him that I can not do this anymore. Maybe I was 14 at that time. I was so dumb or innocent I used to call him brother.
So he used to bully me also sometimes. I was not much active physically or good in games etc. So was mocked by others usually. I am shy and a bit anxious when I am outside in public. Not much.
So I forgot everything and was continuing my life. I used to treat everyone normally, even that abuser too. I was not angry? I don't know why. Maybe I was scared of speaking out. I do not know how to express anger maybe. One friend told me about this, I didn't know this. Some guys in uni, were very toxic. They knew I never fight. Used to say shit. And I would have been in my head talking to myself thinking something else. Later in the room I used to feel bad about what they said and stuff but it was too late mate.
So this started happening last year. I was good in academics. But my father was not healthy. He used to get visual migraine with auras too. We did not know what was this. Local doctors had no clue, as my dad did not know how to explain it. My dad used to feel powerless for some minutes. I was scared as I was living in my hostel.. I found online a forum and found some animations on youtube and showed my dad. He confirmed that this was visual migraine with aura. He did not recieve salary of 6 months because of the company he works in is in loss. He received it later.
He also do not have gallbladder. I started trying to earn money online. We are poor from beginning. I was depressed and got laid back/procrastinated. Got some projects from friends. Some projects were out of my capabilities and I failed to deliver them. I used to do web development and I was learning. I failed in 2 exams. I had scholarship and my tution fee was waived as I had good rank. Now I will have to pay tution fee too. It has really lowered my confidence and self esteem. I was good in one thing and it was lost too. I tried polyphasic sleep and stuff and i failed. I was not able to focus on studies. Others were getting good marks and I was failing. I felt maybe jealousy, anxiety, and all that. I earned some money not much. I had big dreams (maybe bipolar disorder), that I will get rid of my poverty and I will earn this much so easily. Online marketers make you believe anything. They say you can earn good money in freelancing. You can but it is very hard. Or at least to me.
I used to watch some TV series. They triggered a lot of thoughts. I watched a tv series called Mr. Robot. It resonated with me. It showed a vigilante hacker who was abused as a kid and helped in fighting crimes. I know it was fiction but it triggered me alot. I realised how much bad was done to me. And what was my fault? I could have been injured badly and who would have been responsible for my family. Watched batman too. Please don't watch these. I remember when I was at that age I fell very ill one day. And I was not even able to walk. I recall that. That thought has chained with other mix thoughts.
This started happening, I started getting thoughts of confrontation day in day out. That I will expose him to world. But it's been 10 years and I have no proof. Also that my father will not be able to handle this I guess. He is very strong mentally and would probably try to punish that guy. I am also not scared of him (maybe)
I am getting dreams almost everyday of confrontation where I expose that guy. That guy is married now and is living with confidence. He even suppresses other people as if he wants to fight. He still lives near my home. He doesn't talk to me though, and I too doesn't. He ignores me.
Everyday I want to confront him, but I have no proof, also I live in a hostel away from my family and I fear that he would harm my family. One part of my brain says go confront him. I suppress myself and self criticize myself as coward.
Some friends of mine (online) I talked to, said that I should move on and focus on future.
Other bad thing that happened is that my brother is 18 he used to play with girls. He behaves somewhat like girls. One other guy 2 years ago tried to abuse him but he ran away. He did not tell this to anyone. I somehow got this out of him. I checked his phone and I found some shocking things. I don't want to tell what. He was part of gay forums. I told about that pedo accident with my brother to my mom and she was shaken by it. She said that my brother should have told about this as soon as it was happened. And now if we go fight him, he will make our lives hard as this is his area and that I should forget it. I see my brother and I feel bad. Well tbh my mother also is not healthy. My brother too had typhoid last year. It was hard time for me tbh. I am emotional.
I know I am coward. I know I am. I won't be able to get job this year and my life seems totally fallen apart.
I can not get rid of this dreams. I procrastinate. I criticize.
That guy that abused me is married and have a 1 year old daughter. Maybe he have stopped all that now, but who knows.
I want to ask what should I do? Should I confront these pedos like a real man or just move on, which I can't since several months. I am poor and can't afford therapy. I can not go legal too. Legal system is not good and will probably not go in my favour. I read feeling good new mood therapy book upto anger management. After that I left it, because of triggers. Social media and procrastination ruined me.
Thank you for reading all this. Sorry for triggering.
Can you suggest me what should I do? And if I am coward, how can I be stronger. I have lost faith in humanity and if I have to survive I have to be stronger and smarter. Help me please. One thought triggers so many.