Am I wrong? Give me advice please

Am I wrong? Give me advice please

Mario cooper

Registrant
Hi my name is Mario. I am from a third world country. I am 22 male. I was 12 or 13 when a neighbour next door started sexually abusing me almost daily. First it was kind of like a game. He was like 19 or 20 maybe at that time.

Then he started threatening me that if I told anybody he would harm me. I did not know what was being done to me. I never told this to my parents.

I was able to get rid of him because of a religious ceremony and I was beptized. I told him that I can not do this anymore. Maybe I was 14 at that time. I was so dumb or innocent I used to call him brother.

So he used to bully me also sometimes. I was not much active physically or good in games etc. So was mocked by others usually. I am shy and a bit anxious when I am outside in public. Not much.

So I forgot everything and was continuing my life. I used to treat everyone normally, even that abuser too. I was not angry? I don't know why. Maybe I was scared of speaking out. I do not know how to express anger maybe. One friend told me about this, I didn't know this. Some guys in uni, were very toxic. They knew I never fight. Used to say shit. And I would have been in my head talking to myself thinking something else. Later in the room I used to feel bad about what they said and stuff but it was too late mate.

So this started happening last year. I was good in academics. But my father was not healthy. He used to get visual migraine with auras too. We did not know what was this. Local doctors had no clue, as my dad did not know how to explain it. My dad used to feel powerless for some minutes. I was scared as I was living in my hostel.. I found online a forum and found some animations on youtube and showed my dad. He confirmed that this was visual migraine with aura. He did not recieve salary of 6 months because of the company he works in is in loss. He received it later.

He also do not have gallbladder. I started trying to earn money online. We are poor from beginning. I was depressed and got laid back/procrastinated. Got some projects from friends. Some projects were out of my capabilities and I failed to deliver them. I used to do web development and I was learning. I failed in 2 exams. I had scholarship and my tution fee was waived as I had good rank. Now I will have to pay tution fee too. It has really lowered my confidence and self esteem. I was good in one thing and it was lost too. I tried polyphasic sleep and stuff and i failed. I was not able to focus on studies. Others were getting good marks and I was failing. I felt maybe jealousy, anxiety, and all that. I earned some money not much. I had big dreams (maybe bipolar disorder), that I will get rid of my poverty and I will earn this much so easily. Online marketers make you believe anything. They say you can earn good money in freelancing. You can but it is very hard. Or at least to me.

I used to watch some TV series. They triggered a lot of thoughts. I watched a tv series called Mr. Robot. It resonated with me. It showed a vigilante hacker who was abused as a kid and helped in fighting crimes. I know it was fiction but it triggered me alot. I realised how much bad was done to me. And what was my fault? I could have been injured badly and who would have been responsible for my family. Watched batman too. Please don't watch these. I remember when I was at that age I fell very ill one day. And I was not even able to walk. I recall that. That thought has chained with other mix thoughts.

This started happening, I started getting thoughts of confrontation day in day out. That I will expose him to world. But it's been 10 years and I have no proof. Also that my father will not be able to handle this I guess. He is very strong mentally and would probably try to punish that guy. I am also not scared of him (maybe)

I am getting dreams almost everyday of confrontation where I expose that guy. That guy is married now and is living with confidence. He even suppresses other people as if he wants to fight. He still lives near my home. He doesn't talk to me though, and I too doesn't. He ignores me.

Everyday I want to confront him, but I have no proof, also I live in a hostel away from my family and I fear that he would harm my family. One part of my brain says go confront him. I suppress myself and self criticize myself as coward.

Some friends of mine (online) I talked to, said that I should move on and focus on future.

Other bad thing that happened is that my brother is 18 he used to play with girls. He behaves somewhat like girls. One other guy 2 years ago tried to abuse him but he ran away. He did not tell this to anyone. I somehow got this out of him. I checked his phone and I found some shocking things. I don't want to tell what. He was part of gay forums. I told about that pedo accident with my brother to my mom and she was shaken by it. She said that my brother should have told about this as soon as it was happened. And now if we go fight him, he will make our lives hard as this is his area and that I should forget it. I see my brother and I feel bad. Well tbh my mother also is not healthy. My brother too had typhoid last year. It was hard time for me tbh. I am emotional.

I know I am coward. I know I am. I won't be able to get job this year and my life seems totally fallen apart.

I can not get rid of this dreams. I procrastinate. I criticize.

That guy that abused me is married and have a 1 year old daughter. Maybe he have stopped all that now, but who knows.

I want to ask what should I do? Should I confront these pedos like a real man or just move on, which I can't since several months. I am poor and can't afford therapy. I can not go legal too. Legal system is not good and will probably not go in my favour. I read feeling good new mood therapy book upto anger management. After that I left it, because of triggers. Social media and procrastination ruined me.

Thank you for reading all this. Sorry for triggering.


Can you suggest me what should I do? And if I am coward, how can I be stronger. I have lost faith in humanity and if I have to survive I have to be stronger and smarter. Help me please. One thought triggers so many.
 
Mario!
Listen, please. And very, very carefully:
1. What happened to you was NOT your fault.
2. You are NOT a coward. Not by any means.

with that out of the way......

Again, I want to say to you that you’re most welcome here, and we’re all happy that you’ve found us! You certainly belong here, and at the same time, I’m sorry that you do. But we’re to help, as best we can. One of the things that we do a great job of is offering support and listening.

Why aren’t you a coward? Because it takes a lot of courage and strength to join a place like this. And you did it! Not only that, but you posted about your experience! That requires enormous courage and strength. A coward you are most certainly not.

I’m usually too long-winded, so I’ll try and cut to the chase of what I’d like to say in this moment.

What you’ve been experiencing is normal for someone in your shoes. How do I know? Well, I’ve been there too. Coming to grips with what you’ve endured is hard. Admitting it to yourself is even harder. And you’ve done that. This is cause for some joy, and a reason to see hope.

You’ve got a great purpose in life and some real reasons for striving for success. Be wary though of what those others say about forgetting. What you’ve been through is abuse, it’s trauma. You can’t just forget it, pretend that it never happened. It needs to be dealt with and processed.

You say that you’re not sure about how to be angry. Based on the thoughts and dreams you say that you’ve had, I’d say you’re doing a good job at being angry. That’s a good sign. Anger in itself is neither good nor bad. It’s what we do with the anger that matters.
 
Hello Mario,

I agree with David, you're not at fault, and you're not a coward. The time you were abused is a time that will resonate with many of us here. Too many have had to deal with the intrusion of deceit and bullying to get something we wouldn't give. There's no real choice when we're manipulated, and no matter our reaction, the age disparity creates an intrusion upon our ability to truly be aware of ourselves. Too soon we're lost in that confusion. It adds ptsd (thinking of the bad all the time) to our lives. Where we would think of family and friends, school and activities at that age, we're hijacked from it by the manipulation of an abuser.

Your anger is justified, though at this time in your processing, also known as managing the symptoms of ptsd, there is probably a lack of support for you? Please clarify if you have a counselor at Uni who you can confide privately without fear? Perhaps you've known someone who would fill that role? Maybe it could be your father if that makes sense for you and what you know about his condition? There's a lot to consider and I want you to notice how you may feel tense right now? That tension isn't your fault, and it's a natural reaction to us. We're dealing with things differently than people who were not abused. Those who've not been abused can't understand the ptsd interrupts our thoughts and causes us to lose concentration. That's a big part of what happens with grades too.

I wish that all Universities had comprehensive counseling available. The kind that most of us need is sexual trauma and ptsd kind of therapy. Things that are not always available. We can educate ourselves about these things, but without a trained counselor to guide, and give feedback or direction there's some chance of difficulties with our reactions. I think there are only some few beginning things to help. I think Pro and Con lists making is a good strategy and learning how to breath and ground ourselves to relax. I know making a path through all that is going on will take time and we can lose patience and feel overwhelmed. That's where I hope you see these forums are here to share what's happening and how you're dealing with it. It's what I found and so many here too.

Best regards as you begin making your path.
 
Thank you @DavidM-LT and @Ceremony I am scared that there is no counsellor at my university. And I can not tell my dad too I guess. There is stigma around mental health in my country and area.

From two days, I had this thought of giving up the thought of confrontation and move on, as there are more important things to focus on. There are only these 5 to 10 people that are bad that I personally know, who harmed me. And if I give all my energy to them when I am most vulnerable and at high risk of being broke, that would be a bad move. I have met awesome people in my life. Those who are not selfish and helped me immensely like some of my teachers. I think I am selfish too. Everyone is selfish at some level. I will try to be strong by joining some gym and maybe once I get job or source of income I should learn self defence.

I have also thought about that pedo's daughter and family and that his daughter needs him now more than ever and that it is better to move on. But I will vent out if he tried to harm me or my family in any way.

I don't know what will happen next. Who knows. But I will not give up. I will stand up again.

I feel anxious when I study, and that is because I start too late. That adds up..

Maybe I need to join some group also, there are groups in my university that I can join. But they consume a lot of time tbh. These groups are like activity groups such as dancing, singing, cultural etc. I was not joining them because I wanted to learn programming.

I want to ask about any book recommendations, or you know, self help exercises to combat PTSD or my situation. I am very thankful that you are here. I really appreciate your help. I can not thank you enough

 
Like the other guys have said, Mario, you're not a coward. You don't have to confront anyone. You get to be a real man just by being you. So let that one go. You can confront or not at another time. And believe me, you'll know when and if you're ready. You don't owe yourself revenge. You just get to choose. It's your life. Maybe make up a list of priorities and see what you really want to do with your days. Then act on that. One really helpful book for thinking about and planning a life: Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. Lots of good exercises to try. Healing is about process. Finding a way to move forward out of what was forced on us and into the life we want.

You're a good man, Mario, and very real.
 
Mario you are brave to share. Facing the abuse is hard and you are taking the necessary steps.

I knew nothing about bipolar personality disorder until my life was falling apart trying to face my abuse, my brother's suicide attempt and the past several years of family and individual counseling. We were horrible children, Mama left us to take care of her mother while my Dad was trying to recover from a heart attack. My brother was shuffled between two homes, one with a sick father and a dying grandmother where the siblings were bitter, they believed they did not deserve this illness because they were always so good. I say bullshit they were selfish and played a role in destroying our family. Making Mama guilty to leave us. Mama became bitter because we were clinging to Dad when she would pop in from time to time. My brother became very angry. We learned from being abandoned and shuttled around contributed to his bipolar personality disorder. He was angry, had rage and had to control everyone in the house. Mama let him which was the biggest mistake. He needed treatment but did not get it. We now know why, Mama did not want to hear the truth. After his suicide attempt he was diagnosed, the symptoms were there rage, anger, control, OCD. He began to attack Dad and Mama let him, never correcting him. He was the boss. We followed him and Mama because unknown to us my sister and I were also experiencing symptoms from abandonment syndrome include fear of losing Mama again. This explains why we marched to my brother and Mama's drummer. My sister had addiction problems and I had a nervous breakdown.

Dad was having his own problems. Disappearing and doing who knows what. He was put in the hospital and luckily met a doctor who he opened up to about his sexual abuse as a child. The doctor explained he would separate from who he was to escape the memories. When the doctor heard of what was going on in the house he said get the hell out of there, they will kill you because all they are doing is triggering you. He did leave and met a wonderful woman and had the family he deserved. We disowned him. He may have done hurtful things when he dissociated and now I understand it was not him. We made his condition worse and finally we have taken responsibility. The doctors believe my sister and I have both have some symptoms of being bipolar personality disorder. They have told us abandonment for whatever reason is a major factor in bipolar personality disorder. We are all getting treatment for the dysfunction Mama and her family caused as well as Dad's abuse, dissociation and my abuse. My brother is on medication. We all began to get better when Mama finally admitted she was wrong to allow us to abuse Dad and to leave us. She finally took responsibility for what she had done. If she hadn't I think we would be in a very sad state. Sad we never knew Dad because our minds wanted love from Mama. He absence caused so many problems.

I do hope you are getting treatment and seeing a professional. I can tell you our doctors and counselors have helped us to see the truth. I too am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I am more whole today then ever. My brother is finally living and they have broken his co-dependent relationship with Mama. My sister alcohol free for almost 2 decades. She got help years ago and made a relationship with our Dad. It is sad how families think they are right and the children and someone like Dad suffers.

Take care of yourself. Be proud of what you are accomplishing.

Paul
 
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Hi Mario. You asked about books. "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lews might be a good start. The book also provides additional suggestions for reading. As for confronting your perpetrator .... I did that early in my process and, in retrospect, it was premature. I had not had enough recovery under my belt and was not ready for the negative reaction I received. I don't regret having done it but realize now that the perp did not care then and they probably won't care now. Mine resulted in a screaming match that could have escalated into violence if I had not backed down. It did confirm, however, that I was not imagining things and I'm proud that I had the courage to make the effort. I should definitely have had another person there on my side for support and safety. Don't be eager. Be methodical and cautious. Protect yourself now as you should have been protected then. That said, I have much concern for this man's child's safety. Perhaps a brief anonymous letter to the wife with no information to implicate or identify yourself. I don't know. Also, I found that meditation helped with my PTSD and memory retrieval. That would be a good activity to pursue by taking a class or reading up on it. Many blessings, Norm
 
Hi my name is Mario. I am from a third world country. I am 22 male. I was 12 or 13 when a neighbour next door started sexually abusing me almost daily. First it was kind of like a game. He was like 19 or 20 maybe at that time.

Then he started threatening me that if I told anybody he would harm me. I did not know what was being done to me. I never told this to my parents.

I was able to get rid of him because of a religious ceremony and I was beptized. I told him that I can not do this anymore. Maybe I was 14 at that time. I was so dumb or innocent I used to call him brother.

So he used to bully me also sometimes. I was not much active physically or good in games etc. So was mocked by others usually. I am shy and a bit anxious when I am outside in public. Not much.

So I forgot everything and was continuing my life. I used to treat everyone normally, even that abuser too. I was not angry? I don't know why. Maybe I was scared of speaking out. I do not know how to express anger maybe. One friend told me about this, I didn't know this. Some guys in uni, were very toxic. They knew I never fight. Used to say shit. And I would have been in my head talking to myself thinking something else. Later in the room I used to feel bad about what they said and stuff but it was too late mate.

So this started happening last year. I was good in academics. But my father was not healthy. He used to get visual migraine with auras too. We did not know what was this. Local doctors had no clue, as my dad did not know how to explain it. My dad used to feel powerless for some minutes. I was scared as I was living in my hostel.. I found online a forum and found some animations on youtube and showed my dad. He confirmed that this was visual migraine with aura. He did not recieve salary of 6 months because of the company he works in is in loss. He received it later.

He also do not have gallbladder. I started trying to earn money online. We are poor from beginning. I was depressed and got laid back/procrastinated. Got some projects from friends. Some projects were out of my capabilities and I failed to deliver them. I used to do web development and I was learning. I failed in 2 exams. I had scholarship and my tution fee was waived as I had good rank. Now I will have to pay tution fee too. It has really lowered my confidence and self esteem. I was good in one thing and it was lost too. I tried polyphasic sleep and stuff and i failed. I was not able to focus on studies. Others were getting good marks and I was failing. I felt maybe jealousy, anxiety, and all that. I earned some money not much. I had big dreams (maybe bipolar disorder), that I will get rid of my poverty and I will earn this much so easily. Online marketers make you believe anything. They say you can earn good money in freelancing. You can but it is very hard. Or at least to me.

I used to watch some TV series. They triggered a lot of thoughts. I watched a tv series called Mr. Robot. It resonated with me. It showed a vigilante hacker who was abused as a kid and helped in fighting crimes. I know it was fiction but it triggered me alot. I realised how much bad was done to me. And what was my fault? I could have been injured badly and who would have been responsible for my family. Watched batman too. Please don't watch these. I remember when I was at that age I fell very ill one day. And I was not even able to walk. I recall that. That thought has chained with other mix thoughts.

This started happening, I started getting thoughts of confrontation day in day out. That I will expose him to world. But it's been 10 years and I have no proof. Also that my father will not be able to handle this I guess. He is very strong mentally and would probably try to punish that guy. I am also not scared of him (maybe)

I am getting dreams almost everyday of confrontation where I expose that guy. That guy is married now and is living with confidence. He even suppresses other people as if he wants to fight. He still lives near my home. He doesn't talk to me though, and I too doesn't. He ignores me.

Everyday I want to confront him, but I have no proof, also I live in a hostel away from my family and I fear that he would harm my family. One part of my brain says go confront him. I suppress myself and self criticize myself as coward.

Some friends of mine (online) I talked to, said that I should move on and focus on future.

Other bad thing that happened is that my brother is 18 he used to play with girls. He behaves somewhat like girls. One other guy 2 years ago tried to abuse him but he ran away. He did not tell this to anyone. I somehow got this out of him. I checked his phone and I found some shocking things. I don't want to tell what. He was part of gay forums. I told about that pedo accident with my brother to my mom and she was shaken by it. She said that my brother should have told about this as soon as it was happened. And now if we go fight him, he will make our lives hard as this is his area and that I should forget it. I see my brother and I feel bad. Well tbh my mother also is not healthy. My brother too had typhoid last year. It was hard time for me tbh. I am emotional.

I know I am coward. I know I am. I won't be able to get job this year and my life seems totally fallen apart.

I can not get rid of this dreams. I procrastinate. I criticize.

That guy that abused me is married and have a 1 year old daughter. Maybe he have stopped all that now, but who knows.

I want to ask what should I do? Should I confront these pedos like a real man or just move on, which I can't since several months. I am poor and can't afford therapy. I can not go legal too. Legal system is not good and will probably not go in my favour. I read feeling good new mood therapy book upto anger management. After that I left it, because of triggers. Social media and procrastination ruined me.

Thank you for reading all this. Sorry for triggering.


Can you suggest me what should I do? And if I am coward, how can I be stronger. I have lost faith in humanity and if I have to survive I have to be stronger and smarter. Help me please. One thought triggers so many.

Mario

I am sorry for everything you are going through. People suffer many various forms of mental illness and as a society we are unable to recognize these illnesses. We deny them, we pretend they are not real. Many parents cannot see these illnesses, or what has been said decide to look the other way. Over the past few weeks I have been verbally attacked for what may have happened as I unraveled and dissociated from the CSA by those who should be held accountable for their words and actions. I just dismissed them as their issues they fail to deal with because the truth will force them to accept truths and possible mental illness is there. I have had disturbing things written about me on social media, left verbal attacks on phone and text messages, ignored and it goes on.

My friend who is medical professional was here a week or so ago is familiar with mental issues and her friend the psychiatrist talked last week. They said there are emotional and psychological issues which should be professionally evaluated--I said good luck with that one. They reminded me their abuse continues many years later which they believe show their struggle to accept my CSA and the triggers they inflicted over and over. It will only get worse for them over time for the guilt and denials will eat at them. I pray not, but their experience says otherwise. They reminded me of the social media attack one child took to the mother and then me, the son who punched and kicked in walls, the child with addiction issues, the children that attacked verbally, physically and with avoidance show signs of a personality disorders. As Paul mentioned bi polar personality disorder along with avoidant personality disorder, passive aggressive personality disorder and antisocial behavior could be the end result of life factors in how behavior develops. Many times there can be a genetic predisposition along with environmental factors. We talked about how their lives were impacted by an abandonment issue that is not recognized and can trigger many personality disorders. The lashing out, kicking of walls, punching a screen out and blaming it on the wind (you just had to look at screen to know it was punched from inside) shows emotional immaturity as does their inability to have been there for me as I struggled to accept the CSA. At the same time they reminded me my behavior as I struggled with CSA impacted them. They said the major disconnect is failure to accept the abandonment, failure to accept the abuse they inflicted with failure to attempt to understand their behavior triggered PTSD and dissociation. I accept what happened to me and take responsibility the dissociation and PTSD caused harm and know what may have happened during these periods are mine and hurt them. I have done the hard work whereas they have not nor do they see a need to seek therapy. They said I should encourage them to seek an evaluation so they can live a fuller life. I said there is no way. They asked how about the mother taking the lead, I said would she admit the abandonment despite the cause? They said it is common in military families as Paul also mentioned where one parent is deployed and reenters a child life. It causes major conflict. If the one reentering has a need to be loved or to be seen as the dominant parent major emotion issues will evolve. Each child will react in their own way.

Paul said it correctly, personality disorders increase the chance of suicide, rage that can turn inward or outward causing grave harm to others. This is a major concern to my friends. They are fearful of a codependent relationship between mother and child which has negative consequences. For them, they believe a true final diagnosis can be given by an evaluation by the professionals. Like Paul said, it never turns out well.

I find talking about my particular situation, looking at my faults and shortcomings, how the CSA impacted me through life and how I have responded to healing, accepting the pain I caused others and accepting their view of truth will be buried until it causes great pain to them and others--which I pray does not happen.

Mario remember we are here. You are showing bravery and courage by sharing and facing your past. Paul thank you for writing of border personality disorder. It also affects survivors who are running from the past to others who suffer abuse, a sense of loss or some other traumatic experience. I have learned what is traumatic to someone will not be traumatic to another due to our individual make up.

Kevin
 
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Sadly, for me I could not move on. I was stuck in the past, believing I deserved to be raped every time in the present I felt abused verbally or physically--and this was decades after the abuse. I had buried the past deeply and it was seeping through my being. I would think of being raped over and over, I would dissociate and let the child within take over. I was not in control, a fragment of me was in control. In time I learned I had to accept the past as being part of me, a piece of history that could not or should not be in control I could not let go. Finally a change in living environment and finding love and support I slowly began to accept the abuse was not mine, nor was the guilt or shame mine. It was a very slow process, and when I say slow I mean at a snail's pace. In time I did come to accept the abuse is part of me, I did not ask for it, I did not deserve it. All i could do was not to allow the past to control me. If I let the past control how could I have a future.

Please seek whatever help you can find, online support, face to face support groups. You need to come to terms with the past on a intellectual, emotional and physical level. It takes time and the people you associate with will help you define your journey to heal.

Kevin
 
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