Am I the only one......?

[fhorns]

I sat here fearing today. Nothing bad is happening. I'm just allowing feelings to surface, and I thought.........

no, can't share that.

I should ask God instead.....

But trusting Him is scary...

Didn't think I could admit that....

Is relying on people something God wants?

how can I admit my weakness, my vulnerability?


I go around in my mind wondering if it's ok to ask for help. I'm in a new spot since it's not about only me anymore. Tears come now as I remember what I told my 89 year old neighbor, a strong believer: I told her I felt God wants me to share me, my pain, my story. In my groups, I presently teach---and if anyone wants to learn.......then teach. I'm learning each time I imagine teaching. I didn't allow Him in before, right in my pain. He's inviting me in closer.

I am here since I came in 12 years ago. I befriended a musician online here in MS.......and .......uhhhh..

I stopped playing since I always felt my emotions when I played. Lately I've gotten the message "give it away". I played Saturday night and Sunday with a group.

This is very new. I'm in uncomfortable, yet healing, territory.

I could cry now. Pain and ..... hope ......mix. I'm not in control of it, I think. But dumping it does heal me.


My written words defy what I feel. I sounded "together". I don't feel it at all.

 

[newground]

Hey bud
NO you are certainly not the only one. I struggle so in this part of my life. trusting people has gotten me burned and I fear that. and my thoughts and feelings get so clouded I want to have intimate kinds of friendship. but what does that mean? I feel I cant let people in that close to me but I want to. and when I feel that shame I feel I can't...be close to God. I do trust him is many ways but to totally let go...it seems to much. so I am back to arms length. allowing people in...but only so far. if you find a way man let me know
Jeff

 

[fhorns]

Thank you newground.

I write here to be validated. Thank you.

 

[fhorns]

I sat here getting anxious about today's (normal) responsibilities.

In my head I heard "watch and pray". For some reason, Jesus knew we were weak. He told us things.......since He loves me.

I know I'm not alone, but I'll ask: am I the only one who struggles to believe God loves me? Saying it can be cold.

Have I accepted His love?

Not completely. I've vented at Him lately telling Him my honest beliefs.

Made me cry. Lots today.

 

[don64]

Hi fhorns,

Tears are VERY cleansing, IMO. It sounds to me like your prayers are being answered. My experience is I'm always getting exactly what I need for my growth, it's just that I frequently don't understand it at the time, and that when it hurts I want it to go away. I also experience that there is no healthy way to go around my experiences, only through them. So, for me, divine intervention has always been about a healthy clearing and cleansing process. That doesn't mean it is enjoyable.

Sending you love and support.

Don

 

[newground]

Have I accepted His love?

Not completely. I've vented at Him lately telling Him my honest beliefs.

Made me cry. Lots today.

I know that feeling so well man. I know...I believe that God loves me. do I accept that love? I think what don said has some truth too. SO many times when I was a kid I was hurt/wounded or just plain sick. The things they had to do to help me hurt A LOT.
I can't pretend that I understood it then, I'm not sure I do now given the way some of those encounters turned out. but I do believe that what the doctors did was to help me. so often it really hurt AND I often hid things or tried to stay away from their helping.It was still probably what I needed and what I take away from that is ...they knew something I didn't. I try hard to give God that same benefit of the doubt. I still hurt and cry to Him.I still don't understand, but I do believe. and I try to accept his love. problem is LOVE on the whole is a really difficult thing and trust is even worse. I just see him working in/around me,and try to hold to that.
hope that helps man
Jeff

 

[Bardo]

We personify God. And we have trust issues as a result of our abuse. So its not surprising that we might have trouble believing that "he" loves us. It helps me to see God as the all-encompassing force of unconditional Love. The force that binds and holds all of us in its hand, both abuser and abused. I think we are all loved, surrounded by the love which moves the Universe, and our thoughts and actions toward each other bind us to each other and to Him. On three occasions in my life I have actively tried to act out, to seek sex with men outside of my marriage. In all three cases, I was prevented from acting on my desires. Believe me, my flesh was weak and I was ready to fall. But every time, something, someone, stepped in at the last minute and made the scenario change, taking me out of my own pit of carnal desire and shame. I know God loves me, and that I am bound to you here and to all of us, and that I am guided by higher hands. Thank God!

 

[C. E.]

Do I believe in God? I don't know, but I believe in the little voice inside me, the conscience that bothers me and propels me to do a little extra for others around me. I suppose if we could convince people that that inner voice is really the only part of God we can ever know, the world would be an infinitely better place.

I've always been taught that God thunders down from the heavens with biblical dictates. But I am starting to think that instead he just whispers to each of us deep inside, and the only measure of the quality of our souls is in how close we live to our own hearts.

 

[fhorns]

I've noticed lately....he whispers.

Individually, they're never loud. But I get 2 or 3 together and the message--the obvious one--is screaming...well kind of--at me.

Listening is my new challenge. When I've done so, I'm amazed at myself for doing something I'd deemed unsafe or unprofitable.

I'd like to hear from others if they assume their fears are true. Me being "in control" is hurting me, in many areas of life--financially, socially...and with myself. Control equals strangled intimacy. Healing only happens when I'm vulnerable and intimate.

Anyone relate to this? (That's on my mind--sharing it is freeing