Am I the Only One Who Struggles with Being Honest?

[mland]

Hello,

I'm going to start therapy next week. I recently shared with my wife that I dealt with major childhood trauma, including molestation by my father's adopted father. I had never told anyone before, and doing so has been exceptionally painful. I can't sleep and anything sets off hours of crying.

At the same time, I've come to realize that I have a tendency to exaggerate--at best--and outright dishonest (at worst). I'm coming to terms with the fact that this behavior may be a result of the trauma and the abuse. (It feels like an "excuse," but it's true.)

Has anyone else struggled with this?

 

[Silly]

Hi - glad to hear you're starting therapy, and sorry to hear things are difficult for you right now. I was abused by my dad's father too (among others).

Hmm, I was probably closer to the opposite of what you've said - I minimize everything (which isn't good either).

I hope the best for you. Looking forward to hearing of your progresses in this messy business. It's nice to meet you.

 

[Georgie]

Childhood abuse can cause many problems later in life, but they are not necessarily the same (or similar) for everyone.

 

[MSUser2024]

Hello,

I'm going to start therapy next week. I recently shared with my wife that I dealt with major childhood trauma, including molestation by my father's adopted father. I had never told anyone before, and doing so has been exceptionally painful. I can't sleep and anything sets off hours of crying.

At the same time, I've come to realize that I have a tendency to exaggerate--at best--and outright dishonest (at worst). I'm coming to terms with the fact that this behavior may be a result of the trauma and the abuse. (It feels like an "excuse," but it's true.)

Has anyone else struggled with this?

Start with welcome. Hate you find yourself here.
I’m a seasoned lier , over time I found many reasons to lie. However on the other hand I consider myself a fairly honest, fiercely loyal, and overly protective of the ones I love.
As far as my abuse, I degrade, minimize turn away. But at the same time I tell any lie to not expose my damage to them anymore than they are by me being, well me.
Work completely different world . You do your taxes I’ll do mine!
And I never realized how so much of my life had been segmented and operated differently. I was a lier as soon as I was asked “what were y’all doing today? Nothing!
I can and do also lie often… how you doing? There couldn’t be an end to how good I feel/am doing! No honey you’re not fat! Love the new hair! No,no honey me your great, sorry!Again welcome and peace Billy

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Hello,

I'm going to start therapy next week. I recently shared with my wife that I dealt with major childhood trauma, including molestation by my father's adopted father. I had never told anyone before, and doing so has been exceptionally painful. I can't sleep and anything sets off hours of crying.

At the same time, I've come to realize that I have a tendency to exaggerate--at best--and outright dishonest (at worst). I'm coming to terms with the fact that this behavior may be a result of the trauma and the abuse. (It feels like an "excuse," but it's true.)

Has anyone else struggled with this?

What do you mean by exaggerate? What do you exaggerate?

Honesty in this case is kind of tricky.
My friends have known me from when I was 16. I was always like PARTY with them, definitely the drinker of the group.
This behaviour anxiously changes growing up, but I still coped with life the same way.
Now they have difficulty to recognise their friend in me. They still go to parties, but I just can’t.
The only what to help them understand was to tell them “something happened” and that the memories just came back. I would have a hard time to believe that, memories gone, flashbacks, remembering for the first time in years what really happened, giving the first answers to our behaviours.

Not wanting to tell everything is not beating dishonest. And not everyone is made to handle some informations. Reason I will never tell my parents and sister.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I think we've all put on a facade, pretending that things are great when they're not. I know I've done it plenty of times. Some people might think that's not being honest, but to a survivor of CSA, it's a survival technique. I'm not sure what you mean by exaggerating things, though. Do you make your abuse seem worse than it actually was?

My experience was quite different than most here; I went to my abuser. I did it hundreds of times. Was I being dishonest with my parents as to where I was and who I was with? Of course, when I was asked. But my parents weren't home much so I wasn't asked often where I was. Honestly my biggest fear while my abuse was occurring was someone finding out, which meant it would most likely end...and I didn't want it to end.

 

[mland]

Thank you for your responses. I mean I will say things that are easily fact-checked and proven wrong. I do it without thinking, and I secretly know I do it so people will think I'm interesting, when deep down in side I feel like ashamed and unworthy of love.

I have also been known to be outright dishonest with my wife. It's always if I think she'll get mad at me OR not believe the truth of what I'm saying. I realize now, I think, that never wanting to tell anyone of the abuse, and the other forms of trauma, when I was a child may have created a coping mechanism for dealing with all sorts of conflict.

I don't know if that makes sense.

 

[mland]

Start with welcome. Hate you find yourself here.
I’m a seasoned lier , over time I found many reasons to lie. However on the other hand I consider myself a fairly honest, fiercely loyal, and overly protective of the ones I love.
As far as my abuse, I degrade, minimize turn away. But at the same time I tell any lie to not expose my damage to them anymore than they are by me being, well me.
Work completely different world . You do your taxes I’ll do mine!
And I never realized how so much of my life had been segmented and operated differently. I was a lier as soon as I was asked “what were y’all doing today? Nothing!
I can and do also lie often… how you doing? There couldn’t be an end to how good I feel/am doing! No honey you’re not fat! Love the new hair! No,no honey me your great, sorry!Again welcome and peace Billy

Thank you for the response. This is a good "summary" of what I think is happening (but am so very hopeful therapy will help), which is I spent so much of my life coping with my trauma by lying to myself that this is how I handle a lot of difficult things as an adult: Lie about them.

I really appreciate your response!

 

[MSUser2024]

Thank you for the response. This is a good "summary" of what I think is happening (but am so very hopeful therapy will help), which is I spent so much of my life coping with my trauma by lying to myself that this is how I handle a lot of difficult things as an adult: Lie about them.

I really appreciate your response!

I’m not really apologetic about it. I did sales . Everything from apples to zoo animals and all the items in-between. P.T. Barnum, cal Worthington, the music man . My heroes !
But I don’t think those are the lies you’re talking about. I’ll say out of every lie I’ve told it is the ones I tell myself! They have wreaked havoc on every part of my life. It has gotten better with therapy. But as the saying goes “and this will pass” . Billy

 

[JC1]

Hello,

I'm going to start therapy next week. I recently shared with my wife that I dealt with major childhood trauma, including molestation by my father's adopted father. I had never told anyone before, and doing so has been exceptionally painful. I can't sleep and anything sets off hours of crying.

At the same time, I've come to realize that I have a tendency to exaggerate--at best--and outright dishonest (at worst). I'm coming to terms with the fact that this behavior may be a result of the trauma and the abuse. (It feels like an "excuse," but it's true.)

Has anyone else struggled with this?

Welcome, mland
As others have said, glad that you have come here, but sorry for what you are dealing with. As to your question, I have found that I have often been hesitant to share about abuse. Maybe that was left over from still fearing what would happen if I told. And at the start of therapy, I was 'selectively' truthful about a lot of things until I realized that he could only help if I shared the whole and not just the parts that I felt comfortable with.

 

[MSUser2024]

I may be getting in my feelings here! But I guess it’s just use two… high five ! The only two honest liars! Peace Billy

 

[Ferguson]

Hi, I was unable to be truthful/real with others to the degree that I was unable to be honest/truthful with myself (about my childhood in general and csa). I spent a crazy amount of energy managing unresolved trauma......

 

[mland]

All of this is very new to me, and everyone's insight makes me feel a little less awful about myself. I'm grateful I found this space.

 

[Coyotejack]

Not in the least. I kept all my past a secret from my wife of 30 years till just last winter. I learned early in life the truth was often called a lie by others and got me punished. I told my first of three wives of my CSA and she weaponized it against me for a year until I filed for divorce and escaped. Lying became another form of coping with it all. Living behind a mask, praying no one saw what was underneath.

 

[KMCINVA]

Hello,

I'm going to start therapy next week. I recently shared with my wife that I dealt with major childhood trauma, including molestation by my father's adopted father. I had never told anyone before, and doing so has been exceptionally painful. I can't sleep and anything sets off hours of crying.

At the same time, I've come to realize that I have a tendency to exaggerate--at best--and outright dishonest (at worst). I'm coming to terms with the fact that this behavior may be a result of the trauma and the abuse. (It feels like an "excuse," but it's true.)

Has anyone else struggled with this?

I am glad you will begin therapy. It will give you the opportunity to delve into your past, your reactions and current behaviors. I was always aware of the abuse but I found ways to deny it, bury it. From a young age I can remember having periods of blackout, no memory of what occurred. The time of no memory continued to expand and in my fifties as I was living in a constrant triggering environment I would disappear for hours and than days. I learned it was my way to run from the memories, to cope to survive. My family denied my coping and turned stories into lies which only worsened my unraveling. We all adopt coping mechanisms to help protect us, denial which some may say is lying was your way to survive to protect you from an abuse you had not fully processed. I believe therapy should help you process the past and in time, allow you to live the honest life you deserve. Be kind to yourself as you go through therapy.

Kevin

 

[Sossity]

Welcome to this safe community of friends, When I think back I use to lie all the time, mainly to fit in to of have the same life experiences as my peers, holidays, day trips, birthdays christmases etc. lay over the top of that the mask, the need to hide my secret and fears, my depression lying was just a survival strategy, as I got older and realise the impact lying was having I switched totally the other way, now I can’t lie, don’t lie, being quite autistic in my thinking there is no middle road. I am known for it, using a cricket term, I am said to always play with a straight bat. Straight questions are always answered with straight truthful answers, even if it is not what you want to hear.

 

[Robert1000]

Glad to see you on male survivor. This is a club that none of us chose to join, and yet we're here. I'm glad to be here.

To your question: It's an important one. I, too, struggle with honesty. I think there's a lot of shame behind my bullshit and lies. I think about it as space between my words (which to a certain degree are a reflection of my thoughts) and my reality. That space, to me, equals pain, anxiety and other crappy stuff. I hid the abuse that I suffered from myself for more than 20 years. That is to say that although I knew what happened. I remembered it. I chose to stuff that memory behind a curtain, at least that's how I thought about it in my mind. It was always there, though. When I acknowledged it in my 30s, I wasn't discovering memories. I was giving words to memories that had always been there. My words before had been "fucked up shit." As in, "fucked up shit when down in X" where I grew up. I think that the basic lie that I used to hide the truth from me and my parents and everyone was something that I had to uphold with an entire tapestry of lies. I struggled to be honest about what I ate for breakfast, and I shamed myself for it. It was one of those things that was just confusing and terrible. It was, also, I think one way I made sense of what had happened to me. I rationalized what had happened by choosing to believe that it was my fault. (That's also what the abuser told me.) But I chose to believe that, to think that it had happened to me because I was bad on some fundamental level. Then I made a bargain with myself. I tried to be "good" to keep myself safe, but then I kept lying and doing other stuff that proved again and again that I was "bad," and bad stuff kept happening to me, and the lies kept coming, too. I have quite literally dedicated my life to being truthful, to being honest, to being accurate, and still, in my personal life, I STRUGGLE to be honest.

I've been thinking hard about why and how our culture is so obsessed with lies and lying when in fact our whole culture, to me at least, seems to be based on fundamental falsehoods, lies, fabrications and outright bullshit, but that's another subject, I think, except that I think we live in a traumatized culture that repeatedly traumatizes and retraumatizes itself. How great!

Anyway, thanks for this question. It always feels good to know that we're moving together through similar situations. Isolation is dangerous and brutal.

Take care, and enjoy moments of peace when you get them. In solidarity, Bob

 

[Georgie]

All of this is very new to me, and everyone's insight makes me feel a little less awful about myself. I'm grateful I found this space.

Not feeling alone is important. No one is alone at this site.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

When I was being abused by Mary, I became terrified of telling the truth at times because I knew it meant that she was going to get extremely mad and scream at me and hit me no matter what. She got angry and screamed at me once because the dishwasher kept leaving spots on her wine glasses and didn’t believe me when I quoted the Cascade ads shown on tv. If I told her that I forgot something, she’d slap me and say that I was lying. There were even times where she’d purposely ask me questions and I knew no matter what, she was going to hit me and I kept trying to figure out mentally what she wanted to hear. She told everyone not to believe anything that I said and that I had a problem with lying. I admit that I lied a lot to her but it was all in self defense and an attempt to avoid being slapped again. It was only over minor things that weren’t even that bad or wrong to begin with and never about anyone’s behavior or making up things that they didn’t say. I was not going around spreading rumors of how “Jenny cheated on her husband” or “That man is stealing.” Because of Mary, I learned sometimes telling the truth was far worse than telling a lie. She physically assaulted me after she made me call my mom and then grabbed the phone from me to question my mom over money that she’d given to me for Christmas and I quickly spent so that Mary couldn’t take it to go buy more bottles of wine.

 

[mland]

I am so sorry for what you went through. "Traumatic" doesn't due justice to that verbal and physical abuse. You're a braver person.