Am I obsessing?

Am I obsessing?
Curtis St. John

Curtis St. John

President Emeritus
When do we submerge ourselves too deep into our recovery?

How do I know if all the work I am doing is obsessive or helpful?

It seems to me that every aspect of my life revolves around my recovery and the survivor advocate work, which, lets face it, is work that helps me recover as well. I am either reading about recovery, meditating about recovery, looking forward to a retreat to advance my recovery Thursday Im going into New York City to participate in the survivor study that is posted in the Male Survivors section, and just last night I was in the grocery store trying to find those kick-ass maple cookies we had in Canada! (Mr. Church, would you mind sending me some eh?)

When is it too much and what does it mean that Im spending this time working so hard?

I guess the stock answer would be if its hampering my day-to-day operations, then its a problem right? Or if its cutting into my family life I suppose.

The thing is, I want to do SOMETHING with my life that has something to do with helping others and their recovery. I enjoy the committee work Im doing and I hope the network I have built will lead to victim advocate work or something like that. The literature I have from the Center For Sex Offender Management that Im studying for the committee participation talks about Criminal Justice System Victim Witness Specialists that work with the victims entry and journey through the criminal justice system I would love to do something like that. The contact I have at the District Attorneys office says that the field is still in its infancy so there are no true background qualifications (which could be a plus for me) but how do I know Im ready for something like that?

I didnt have my confidence back in time to go to school for a doctorate but I may be able to go for my MSW, they say that if you want something badly enough you will find a way right? But how do I know when Im no longer doing the work for me and when Im truly doing it to help others?

I know that many of the professionals that work with MaleSurvivor and post on the discussion board are also survivors. How did you guys know you had your issues settled enough and you are working to help others and not really working on yourself?

Listen, I know Im in a good place right now, I dont take that for granted, but I dont want to be complacent or over confident. How do I keep it from eating me? (whoa! Dr. Freud, your slip is showing.)

I see my therapist on Saturday, but I want to hear from you guys too, especially you pros that hang out here.

Please help me.
 
Curtis

Just who I am makes me obsessive and I become obsessive with things I love and hate.

Im obsessive with music I love that

Im obsessive with my abusers I hate that.

Im obsessed with Child protection issues and my own abuse....the balance has gone and thats bad as far as I'm concerned.

I have written in my blog about Obsessions I've devoted a whole entry to it

If you read it though please be aware that it is full of triggers.

As for me I have no advice only experiencies!

You may find sometyhing helpful within

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
Try getting something for yourself or just doing somehthing for yourself that YOU want. Do it just because it is what you want. Think of something that is not recovery related that you just want for yourself. Do it or get it, and that may answer your question.

A secondary note is, we are the sum of everything that we ever encounter. There is no surprise that recovery is an important part of your life. Obsessing? Can you do other things without it being dominant or prevailing?
 
I am not at all a professional. But I would think that if there is anything good that can come from our abuse, then it is best to use it in positive way. Some people may become spokes persons to Congress, press, other outlets. Some may become therapists, or lawyers who work on abuse issues. I do not think it is 'obsessing' if it is not causing you any problems, in mind or body. Thank you for being someone willing to take this beyond your own healing. I am not sure I will ever be able to do that.

Leosha
 
Curtis,
But how do I know when Im no longer doing the work for me and when Im truly doing it to help others?
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It's not an either/or question.
the survivor advocate work, which, lets face it, is work that helps me recover as well
Click to expand...
Pick your star and follow it. You'll make the path as you go, not necessarily for those who will follow behind you. (Who else will live your life after you?) You'll make the path of your own.

Thanks,

Joe
 
The thing that stuck out the most for me was wehen you asked "How do I know when I'm no longer doing the work for me and when I'm truly doing it to help other people?" I think they are one in the same, helping other people can help us, and helping ourselves can help other people. Making something positive out of the negative that happened to us is powerful for everyone, ourselves and others. I think it is irrelavant who you are doing it for in this case, whoever you are doing it for, you are doing it and that is the important thing.

Obsessing can sometimes be a good thing if it is about the right things, and I think recovery can be a "right thing." After all if our recovery isn't worth it, what is?

I am glad you are working to make a positive out of the negative, and I am glad you are moving down the right path.

scott
 
Thanks you guys.

I think what I meant was, I hope Im not trying to fool myself into thinking Im helping others, when what Im really doing is obsessing about my own recovery. I hope that made sense. If I find myself here all the time, I must be looking for something right? Validation perhaps? Simply keeping company with my brothers? Safety in numbers?

I cant really put into words what I mean and how I feel. Do I use too much humor here? Is that really just a defense mechanism? Do I like the attention? Do I put people off? Is that just the usual insecurity we all share? I know that many times we compare each others stories, some are worse than others. My personal physical story is not so bad, its what the guy did after to somebody else I think that screwed me up because it could have/would have been me.

I guess sometimes I feel I dont deserve to be here. I dont know, like Im overstaying my welcome or something. But then I come back around to if I didnt need to be here I would have made the natural progression to not being here so much.

Im not really bent all out of shape over this because my instinct tells me this is where I need to be. I feel at home here. If this is what I need to feel safe then fine. Maybe its the feeling of safety that allows my humor to come out.

Geez, look at me though, I got the music from the Canada retreat playing on the computer, I just got off the phone talking about a survivor project, all while Im typing out this post.

Is that too much? Does it matter? Does it help me stay calm? (Yes)

Then maybe thats the answer.

I love each and every one of you guys, thank you for listening to my rambles and just being there.

Hugs all around.
 
Roland, to put it bluntly, screw the circular logic and just enjoy helping both yourself and others.
 
Thanks for the kick in the pants Mike. :D

One of the concepts we came up with in Canada was giving ourselves permission, and I always forget that we have that power.

I give myself permission to give up the circular logic.

I give myself permission to enjoy the work I do.

I give myself permission to recover at whatever pace that comes from within.

I give myself permission to be quirky.

I give myself to be funny.

I give myself permission to love myself.
 
:D
 
Curtis

I hope Im not trying to fool myself into thinking Im helping others, when what Im really doing is obsessing about my own recovery. I hope that made sense.
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It makes perfect sense.
I chose to change the direction of my life and help other Survivors because I have lived through it, and benefited greatly from my healing.
And a huge number of people who help others in all kinds of ways are people who have lived that problem, whatever it might be.
I suffer from Cluster Headaches, a nasty complaint that very little is known about ( it took assorted doctors over 5 years to put a name on it ! )and the most help, information and support I have found is from groups set up by other sufferers. And I've no doubt that on some of the forums there are guys like myself who spend hours online trying to help.

Is it obsessive ? probably a n bit, but I used to obsess about my abuse and sexual fantasy, and I know which one I'm going to stick with.
Is is just a replacement in that case ? I don't honestly think so. If I'm real busy then I don't come here, if I'm a bit busy I'll just check in.
Most days, like today, I've planned my time since I got home from work. Earlier I worked on my 4x4 while it was light outside, then I put 100 or so club newsletter in envelopes that I'd printed ready for posting, and now I have an hour before I go to bed so I check the forums out.
I think that if we recognise that obsession could become a problem, and you obviously do, then we're pretty safe.

I guess the stock answer would be if its hampering my day-to-day operations, then its a problem right? Or if its cutting into my family life I suppose.
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I agree totally.

One thing I always feared was having great difficulty with other Survivors stories and situations, and becoming triggered. But it hasn't been a serious problem for me. I do get upset, I have cried openly with other Survivors, but I cry for / with them - not for me. Perhaps I have an ability to separate my stuff from their stuff to a degree, more than other people might ?

But try it Curtis, get out there and do something. It's immensly satisfying when another Survivor smiles and says "thank you"

Dave
 
If it is something you want to do and something that can be made to fit into your schedule. Go for it.

It is rare that something worth while is easy and 'laid in your lap'.

Take care and be true to yourself,
Bill
 
Thanks Dave.

Thanks Bill.

You guys are right on.

Thanks so much.
 
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