Am I "normal" - I feel NO EMOTION - NOTHING

Am I "normal" - I feel NO EMOTION - NOTHING
J

jjt

Registrant
Okay, here goes (deep breath). I've posted a couple of things on here, but I've never sort of given a formal intro to who I am and what I'm going through. I started therapy about 2months ago and I'm new to all this and I really appreciate everyone's advice b/c when it comes to all that I'm going through - I'm CLUELESS.

I was sexually abused as a child begining at age 4 by my step-father - I don't even have a photograph of my real father as he left my mom when she was pregnant with me - I'm an only child. Both my mother and father were alcoholics and to say that my upbringing was dysfunctional would be an understatement. My step-father was severely emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive to me until I was age 13. My mom, was usually too drunk and feeling too sorry for herself ever to be a parent to me or protect me from anything. I didn't have unconditional love from anyone - no extended family, nobody.

What is so strange is I performed well in school, didn't have problems making friends, was just known as the shy guy when it came to girls. I did however begin drinking probably around 14 and would drink to the point where I would pass out. I sometimes even now use alcohol to numb my mind, but I can say that I'm not addicted.

Here I am now. Relatively young with not one, but TWO failed marriages. (One lasted 3 years the other 4, and I was the one that ended each of them by walking out on them). I NEVER told either of my wives about the abuse and the only person I told was my last girlfriend. I told her after I entered therapy, after my second session, and decided that she should know that my awful actions towards her had everything to do with me and not her.

I have read all about dissociation and I can tell you that I feel totally EMPTY. It's an all time low for me and I don't know what triggered it?? I'm thinking it's because maybe my ex-girlfriend was the first "healthy" relationship I've ever had with a woman and I started to push her away??? I'm not quite sure actually why I behaved the way I did. I can remember telling my ex-girlfriend about the fact I was in therapy and the reason why I'm so fucked up. She cried on the phone and I felt absolutely nothing. She asked me if I was okay despite the fact I had reached a point of being very verbally abusive with her (something I NEVER did before in any relationship) and that scared me about myself.

I don't feel anger, sadness, NOTHING. I know this is exactly what made me able to do well in school, function at work, etc, but I feel like I can't press the reset button on myself to FEEL anything. I read so many posts here where many of state you have panic attacks, etc. I'm the complete opposite - Calm and Collected would be the words used to describe me.

I feel somehow sub-human. I function here at my job fine. I play tennis, go to the beach, and meet my friends regularly and they don't notice a thing different about me. I don't even feel that bad that I was verbally abusive to someone who has been nothing but kind to me, and when she started crying after I told her that I was in therapy and was seeking help I actualy felt a tinge of anger and annoyance that she was burdening me with her sadness.

I don't actually think I'm capable of being a fully functioning human being with the full range of emotions?? I'm sorry if this is depressing everyone, but it's my current state right now.

I know it isn't "normal" to be this way, but it allows me to live day to day and I'm absolutely terrified of what is next? What will actually happen when I open myself up to feel all the hate, rage, sadness I've bottled up so neatly all these years?

Am tired, confused, but most of all I hate thinking about it because every time I do I'm reminded that I'm so far off from "normal" - whatever that means.
 
Actually, this is totally normal behavior.

Have you read 'Abused Boys' by Mic Hunter yet? It explains all about the lack of emotions.

Good luck friend, and welcome.
 
Jjt,

If that's not normal then I never was. It's only since the memories started intruding that I have "felt" the fear and panic, etc. But that's not the feelings I'd like to experience. A few months ago my T told me that if she were working with someone new to the field, she'd point to me and tell them, "That's flat affect."

I took to drinking, then drugs, and did not do well in school. But I did just fine a while later when I went back to college. The last year and half I worked full time, went to school full time, and partied full time.

I do remember feeling uncomfortable when a girl cried and I didn't know if I was supposed to feel something or do something.

Your emotions are there. It's not easy to find the way back to them, at least it's not easy for me. I do not pretend to understand the idea that people feel something all the time. That seems preposterous. But I do realize I have a lot to learn, so who knows?

You'll find your feelings. If the ride is rough when you find some of them, remember we're here to support one another. You are not alone.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Wow. Wow. Where to begin? I'm actually totally floored right now... I was also physically and sexually abused by my step-father starting at age 4. Only child. My real dad left before I was 2. My mother was very good, except at stopping the physical/verbal abuse that she knew was going on and the sexual abuse that I believe she suspected. I overachieved in school, had close friends... and started drinking at 13. Blacking out was my trademark. Working hard to not use it now, although I still don't see it as a problem.

I'm 28... two "failed" long-term relationships. First one, I was abusive to my g/f. Never told her about my past. Second one just ended a few months after I told her about the sexual abuse. Total betrayal.

The total numbness that you feel - the lack of emotion - is something that I have felt from time to time. It almost feels like treading water to me. Like a holding pattern. Just shutting down. I know for me, my therapist has said that this shutting down or numbing out or whatever is because I was never allowed to process through the emotion as a kid. I was methodically and routinely abused for showing any kind of emotion. Sort of makes the brain short out...

If you feel like it, please PM me. Still sort of shocked at the similarities of our pasts. Might be able to unlock some of the same reasons behind how we have processed it...

I know for me, being very young when the abuse started - and by someone who my mother brought into the household - has a lot to do with how I have learned to function as an adult in life, in relationships, and in dealing with the past. Let me know if I can help.
 
Jjt

What you are feeling is totally normal but how you rectify it....I'm afraid I havnt the answer.

As has been said Mic Hunters book "ab*sed boys" helped me a great deal.

I come from a dysfunctional family and was starved emotionally, my emotions are still all over the place, booze, drugs, prostitution, been there as well.

Drinking alcoholically and blacking out at age fourteen I spent the rest of my days in an alcoholic mist that stopped eight years ago. Today I'm forty eight.

I freak out if someone starts crying I am at a loss what to do. My wife say's all she needs is a cuddle but I cant even do that.I usually end up in tears as well because I feel so helpless.

You are not on your own, thats all I can say.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and reply.

Yes, I feel a very clueless at this point, but therapy is starting to least make me ask some questions that I have never asked myself and hopefully it will unearth some answer to my current state.

To SURVIVE75: I am also always a bit shocked and amazed at the many, many similarities I find to everyone posting here. Strange, and yet at the same time so very, very, very, sad. I have been reading Mic Hunter's book Abused Boys and found it very insightful and well written. I know since the abuse started at such an early age for me that I began to shut down and dissociate as a child to simply SURVIVE. The ability to divorce myself from feeling anything allowed me to do well in school, make friends and have a successful career, despite the fact my home was a house of horrors. I know if I didn't dissociate I would probably have killed myself, become a raging alcoholic, never have gone to on to college, etc....so in some respects it has been "helpful" to me.

The thing is, the same quality that allowed me to survive the shit I went through isn't exactly what is needed to have "normal" intimate relationships now as a grown man. I think every single woman I've ever dated, with exception to my recent girlfriend, would state that I'm strangely detached, incredibly hard to get to know, and totally unemotional. I'm going to try and find the "real me" that was a feeling human being before all the fucked up things started happening to me. Will keep everyone updated on how I progress, but can tell you now even typing this I feel totally detached and feel virtually nothing - which I know is not normal. Thanks for taking the time to write. I really appreciate it.

TO SQUIGY: I'm really sorry to have caused you to have a "knot" in your stomach. Am also so glad you responded to let me know this can't possibly last the rest of my life, which I have many moments where I think I should just lower my expectations for what is possible for me.

What you wrote when you said someone called you a "robot" really, really hit home to me. In fact, I can remember when I was first starting my career. The fact that I would work, work, work, like a dog and never get upset at anyone, would never have my temper flare during any stressful sitation that would make any "normal" person go nuts, it made me the guy to turn to whenever the shit hit the fan b/c I'd always be so calm. Again, another example of how dissociating actually was "helpful" for me, but ultimately I know if I want to lead a full life I can't go on like this.

Also, on a personal level, I can remember when I was leaving my 2nd wife I calmly told her that I didn't think we were meant to be together, that I would be moving out, etc. etc. She naturally was upset, even though we had been having problems, we didn't have any HUGE blow-ups, I just wanted out. I will never forget what she said to me as I calmly went about the process of moving out and concentrating on work - She asked me point blank if I had a soul. I calmly looked at her even though she was enraged at me, and had every right to be so, and I said "I don't know." I honestly can tell you I felt nothing towards her at that moment or really that much sadness that I once again failed miserably at an intimate relationship. Strange.

So, I find myself even more devoid of emotion when I actually thought I couldn't possibly get any worse. Will work hard to get through this. I have hope.
 
Originally posted by jjt:
I am also always a bit shocked and amazed at the many, many similarities I find to everyone posting here. Strange, and yet at the same time so very, very, very, sad.
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JJT - I think that was the most shocking thing I found when I came here, which was just a couple of weeks ago. All my life, I've felt that I was some kind of abnormality of nature because of the way I felt about certain things. After reading things here, as well as several excellent books on child sexual abuse, it was very comforting to know that I'm "normal", just like everyone else who's had this trash done to them. I think that was one of the biggest reliefs I've ever had in my life, knowing that I'm normal.

I have been reading Mic Hunter's book Abused Boys and found it very insightful and well written.
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I read that one a couple of weeks ago, and am finishing up Victims No Longer now. Both are excellent books, and worth far more than what the cover price is, in my opinion. I view them as having saved my sanity after breaking the secrecy.

The thing is, the same quality that allowed me to survive the shit I went through isn't exactly what is needed to have "normal" intimate relationships now as a grown man. I think every single woman I've ever dated, with exception to my recent girlfriend, would state that I'm strangely detached, incredibly hard to get to know, and totally unemotional.
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I have those same 3 "qualities", except the last one for me is exactly the inverse, i.e., highly emotional. The abuse has affected many of us in very similar ways, but we've all developed our own coping mechanisms to survive. Undoing those mechanisms will take time to learn to live in normal relationships.

Keep in contact with us, brother. We all need each other here - those who understand the horror and pain that we went through, and lived through getting to this point in our lives.
 
The thing is, the same quality that allowed me to survive the shit I went through isn't exactly what is needed to have "normal" intimate relationships now as a grown man.
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EXACTLY. In my therapy, we have done a lot of work around thanking the "parts" of myself that helped me to survive the abuse but now they are now longer serving me as an adult. It's difficult, because the brain does change when exposed to trauma. They have proven it. But, with a lot of work, I have been able to slowly convince the "parts" that they don't have to protect me in the same way anymore.

PM me if you need to.
 
Yes, I'm at that place, too, where the disassociative sort of coping strategies are in the way of establishing and keeping intimate relationships. It has always been that way, actually. I've just become conciously aware of it recently.

It is fortunate that you were able to accomplish and avoid all that you did, not in spite of the disassociative strategies but because of them.

For me, they had the opposite effect. I don't know why this is. I guess, as similar as we are, much of what we are is still unique.

I've learned to take it easy and allow myself to take things slowly. I was, at first, anxious to get it all over with, to get cured, to erase my past.

I have learned that curing and erasing are not part of the process and that getting it all over with just isn't going to happen.

I'm glad that my therapist is frank with me and based on her experience in abuse recovery therapy, is honest about what can and cannot happen.

I'm sorry that what happened to you happened to you. I truly wish none of this had happened to any of us.

(Sorry, too, if this sounds a little dismal. I had another awful flashback yesterday.)
 
Welcome here. I think I kind of made my emotions go more superficial. I put on whatever 'face' or behavior people expected in any situation, but never knew realy who I was or what I felt, just that it was too much for me to deal with. But I have a friend who 'shut off' everything. He wouldn't even feel if he break his bones, just have no feelings at all. He is slowly starting to get some back, although it seems the 'bad' feelings (hurt, fear) outweigh the good right now. But it is coming back to him, and I think it will with you also. It is just taking time, and learning to trust himself again, and others. I wish you luck.

Leosha
 
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