Hi Tia and welcome.
Okay, as a survivor of sexual abuse who suffered really major genophobia for nearly 20 years, and only came out of it thanks to my lady, hopefully I can have some thoughts on this.
Firstly, the fact that your on this site asking questions and are concerned about relations with your husband definitely sounds like the right thing to me, since it is possible your husband has indeed suffered abuse in the past, and that both his attitude to sex now, and why things have become so difficult for you is related to that.
The first thing to note, is that for men, physical arousal is relatively easy, but mental arousal can be an entirely separate thing, this is a particular problem for abuse survivors, especially since the cultural assumption is that men always want sex, something abusers use to their advantage. It's a matter of literal bodily betrayal and can be a very difficult thing to get round.
In addition, for me at least, the chief way my genophobia manifested was freezing. Just as happened with my abuse, I'd go utterly and completely numb and divorced from my body, it effectively no longer mattered what my body did or if I was aroused, since my mind was entirely disengaged.
I would also find touch, especially from women I was interested in, extremely triggering, and often interpret none sexual touch as sexual, indeed my lady once noted that when my bare arm brushed hers, I jerked back as though I'd been burned.
Thus, while you assuring your husband that this is a safe space and things will stop when he's ready to say stop is absolutely right, at the same time, it is entirely possible that he was psychologically unable! to say stop.
Indeed, before I met my lady, I'm fairly sure that if a woman had made sexual advances, I probably would have just sat back and let things happen, (I once had a very nasty near miss), which had been my pattern during the abuse.
The good news is this is possible to deal with, but it's not easy, especially if your husband is still in the stage where he doesn't understand himself the fallout from any sexual abuse he experienced in the past.
With my wife, we did start from the position that she knew at least the basics of my abuse and my genophobia, so were able to take things fairly slowly, sleeping together in clos, holding hands, doing intimate physical things with a none sexual component, such as washing each other's hair, she always asked if it was okay to go on doing something, not merely letting me know I could tell her to stop, but actively talking things out before we started as well, indeed since my own sexual abuse was linked very much to pubity and sexual awareness, we even read alex comfort's joy of sex together, both so that we could talk about sex in a none purile, and adult way, and so that I could just get used to some of the things people did during sex.
Lastly, there is the question of the current climate. We unfortunately live in a time where shaming and castigation of men, and the assumption that any man is a sexual abuser has become a worryingly common attitude in some quarters.
One reason for my own genophobia, was that during my own abuse, I wasn't merely told that I wanted it, but that I was actively an abuser, even when I was being physically forced. This meant that I was always absolutely petrified of hurting anyone I felt attracted to, indeed often I felt as if I were edward scissor hands, likely to cut anyone I tried to touch, indeed I believed that all sex was essentially a business of one party getting pleasure at the expense of another.
A lot of the current cultural messages really don't help with this,
what for me killed my genophobia, was the realisation that sex was a two way conversation, while abuse is entirely one way, that I could actually give! my lady a great deal of pleasure, and wasn't in fact likely to hurt her as I believed I was.
if this dynamic hadn't been present, even if my lady had focused her attention purely on me, then yes it probably would! have felt like abuse.
Therapy isn't something my lady and I tried, we generally got over things on our own, however we did have the advantage that I'd already been on this site talking things out for a while, so my first suggestion would be perhaps seeing if your husband has any history he needs to disclose, maybe suggest this website or some of the recommended reading like Mike Loo's victim's no longer.
My more practical suggestion would be simply to let things go at his pace. Indicate that you want to make love, and then ask him verbally what he wants to do, maybe even try something instructional like alex comfort; I really like his distinction of the rolls as "musician and player", rather than "dominant and submissive", and his note on how these roles can flow and change even within the same session.
Cudling leading to sex is quite possible, (it happens with my lady a lot), however for me at least, it took a while to get to that point.
My lady and I still talk when lovemaking, especially when one of us wants to try something particular, albeit far less than we've used to.
Lastly, the one good thing I can say is that yes, it is! possible to get around this.
Indeed, while I still have a variety of abuse affects to deal with myself, genophobia isn't one of them!
Hope some of this is helpful.
Luke.