Am I Insane?

I thought that most of my memories had been recovered. I was wrong!! Several have come back in the past few days. I want to share this one to get a ground check from you guys on my sanity (or lack thereof).

For over 10 years I was firmly convinced that I knew the identity of my abuser. I couldn't remember his name or really even what he looked like. But yesterday I had this flash and I thought about it all night. The guy was still a neighbor and babysitter, but lived down the block a ways. The thing that has me so worked up over this is that not only do I remember this guys name, but I recall that I idolized him. He was getting ready to graduate from high school when I met him and he was on his way to the Naval Academy. Also, I know why my parents trusted him (not that they cared) and let me drive around with him and let him babysit me. His mother was a co-worker of my father. Why would my brain misdirect me for so long? Is it because I idolized this guy and didn't want to admit that he raped me repeatedly? Please help me to understand this!! What is the reality?

 

[Don-NY]

Will,
You may be right in thinking that you did not identify him correctly because you idolized him.

I knew for decades what my first perp did to me, but I never thought of it as bad or damaging during all that time because of the good feelings, the love, that I also remembered.

On the other hand, after being violently raped at age 12, I couldn't even think about that fact. The very day after it happened, I had no words for it. Without the words, it had no reality.

It wasn't until 5 years ago when my life fell apart, that I was able to say it and fully ( damn TOO fully) remember what happened.

Your mind, your brain, will do what it must to protect you. Fear and pain will alter and disguise, even obliterate memories.

Here is something that may help. It is taken from a site I have found helpful:

https://www.kalimunro.com/article_survivor_memories.html

While all memory, especially declarative memory -- the story or details of the event -- is reconstructive (recreated over time) this does not diminish the truthfullness of the memory itself. Sometimes because recovered memories can be hazy, it can be hard to be sure of all the details. Sometimes, because of how memories are categorized by our minds, it is possible to remember two different incidents as having occurred at the same time. Again, just because this happens doesn't mean that what happened isn't true, only that the events may not have happened in that exact way.

A good analogy is people are in a bank when a bank robbery occurs. They are frightened by the robbers and their guns, and are afraid for their safety. After a robbery, it is not uncommon for witnesses to contradict each other about the colour of the robbers' clothing, even what race they were, and the total numbers of robbers present. But, no one is uncertain about the fact that there was a robbery and that they were scared for their lives.

While no survivor can be certain that every single detail of their memories of sexual abuse are precisely accurate, it is possible to be confident that the crime of sexual abuse occurred, to know who did it and to know approximately what age you were.

Your sanity is not in question. I believe it is a sign of strength and growth that you now remember.

Donald

 

[Lloydy]

WillP
I was abused by a gang of older boys, about 7 or 8 in the gang led by 2 ringleaders, for a period of 4 years. I now believe that when this was discovered at the school gossip in the staff room led a teacher to take control of the group. I know he was having sex with the ringleaders and occasionally with me, in their presence.
The only names I can remember are the ringleaders, even though I remember all their faces, especially the teacher.
I have a school photograph and can pick each of them out, but the names are gone, and I don't know if I want them back.

I occasionally get sudden memories of events and they fuck my mind big time, I feel for you regaining this persons name and identity.

But now at least you know who and what you're dealing with, but does that make it easier ?

Lloydy