Am I in the right place? *** TRIGGERS ***

Am I in the right place? *** TRIGGERS ***
F

faithless

New Registrant
Hi all. I am new to this so bear with me if I make no sense.
After many years running away, trying too hard, trying to be strong and most importantly denying that anything had ever happened, I reach the age of 40 and my life falls apart.
I'd never realised why I was a mess and never discussed my teenage years. For some reason I only now realise what actually happened to me.
I have never told anyone nor discussed with anyone what occurred beyond acknowledging that I was having sex with men from an early age.
I always thought that it was my fault, and worse, I always thought I was strong and therefore none of it affected me.
But I know now.
I was raped at 13 and spent my years after that until about 17 being abused by a string of different men.
My 'fault' if you like, was just knowing I was gay and desperately wanting to find a friend. Because of this I regularly put myself in danger and even picked up the older men who abused me. None ever wanted to support or help me, they just wanted sex with me. I clung on to a hope that I would find some warmth and belonging.
The first, when I was 13 followed me home. He was handsome. He didn't say much but pulled my pants down in an alleyway and f...ed me. I couldn't say no, I was too nervous and didn't know what was happening. But as the pain increased I asked him to stop repeatedly but he didn't. He didn't kiss me or hold me which was all I wanted. When he was finished he left me there to dress myself. I put a brave face on and never thought of it again. Until recently.
All the men after that treated me the same way. None actually raped me (I think, but it's such a hard thing to define) but none offered me anything but sex. If I refused they cajoled, persuaded or forced me. If they did none of that, they left me. They were all considerably older. They all should have known better.
It only stopped when I found a gay bar and started making friends my own age. I realise now that the damage was done by that time.
I keep thinking of a song from that time that seems to sum up what I feel about it all now.
Forgive me being corny but I can't get it out of my mind. So here it is:

"Standing in the dark
I was waiting for a man to come
I am beautiful and clean
And so very very young
to be standing in the street
To be taken by someone.

Questions questions
give me no answers
Look at the strange boy
he finds it hard existing
To cut a long story short I lost my mind."


Am I in the right place?

Thank you. Faithless
 
Faithless,

Yes indeed, you are in the right place. I'm glad you found us. There is a lot to say to you, but I'll just begin by saying that boys who are in need of affection and attention can easily fall victim to abusers. And once the abuse starts and gets going, it is so easy for the boy to conclude that sex is all he has to offer. None of what happened was your fault; you were cruelly used and your trust betrayed.

I hope the site will be able to help you. Just get used to the place at your own pace and participate as you feel comfortable. You will be believed, understood and supported here. And to repeat, yes, you are indeed in the right place.

Much love,
Larry
 
Faithless,

I normal do not come to this forum.I just am glad you find here, and that you post. I am glad you are still here, and I hope it, you will come back. It was good to meet you in chat.

VN
 
Faithless -

you were 13 years old - whether you thought he was handsome or not - whether you were an adolsecent gay male - feeling lonely and yes - and also
appropriately had sexual desire of an adolescent -
does in NO WAY CONDONE and ADULT male taking advantage of you -

This Adult - was totally off bounds - and wrong -

this was not your fault in my view -

EVEN if you were aroused by how handsome he was -

YES - I was too by older handsome men - as a young man - knowing I was gay -

to take me out and have sex with me -
is wrong - if you were not of legal and developmental maturity to make those kinds of
mutual consent decisions - he was in a position of
legal and age advantage - it was his obligation to behave accordingly - you were not at fault

I don't know where you grew up - I grew up pretty isolated - with next to no friends - distrusting most - because -

of my family's position in business - and ever being the suit pretty kid

how could you have suddenly been liable to say to adult -

ok sir - you have to behave appropriately and be the mature one -

lunacy!

all I can say is - as a young gay male - your desire was natural -

and these adults - were inappropriately behaved
it may have grown into an influence in how you thought of things -

and so you feel culpable -

please - it's the past - this is so much a mess -

thank god gay children now are begining to be treated with diginity and respect for their lives - socially - and healthwise in all ways -

we have our place recognized now -

I am glad you are here -

peace -

m
 
Thank you. VN, it was so nice to chat to you. Your kindness kept me here when I would have left as soon as I arrived. I'm going to stay for a while
I have so many questions.

I haven't been able to find any counselling yet. I know I need to talk about this but don't know who to.
Should I tell my family? I am staying with my brother at the moment because my life has fallen apart. He tries to give me advice because he thinks my problems are the same as his (our father was violent to our mother). I can't tell him because I think he couldn't handle it but I want to. And as I've never spoken about it I worry I will do what I did in my first post and be too graphic and disturb people, which I really don't want to do.

I also don't know why I've only just realised. I always remembered what happened but I never saw it in the same way. After I fell apart I was thinking about it and 'you were SO young' kept going through my head and that just made it click.
But what do I do now?
Larry, thank you so much for your post. I still don't know if I'm right to view it this way and still think that it was my fault and that even maybe I wanted it. I'm worried I'm over-reacting or being dramatic (I've always taken pride in being composed and strong) and terribly worried that people are going to think I'm strange, a mess not worth bothering, a victim or a drama queen. Your reassurance is a great help.

Oh, I think I know another thing that set this off. I was diagnosed with syphilis last week and I'm now undergoing an unpleasant treatment. I got it, from once again having sex with someone I didn't really want to. I seem to feel 'obliged'.

Anyway, that's my morning rant. I may be putting a few here for a while because I'm trying to sort things in my head. I am sorry I probably can't offer much help to anyone in return right now, but I don't yet understand this thing.

thank you guys for being here.

faithless.
 
i hope you get better soon.
 
Hi faithless,

Welcome to Male Survivor! I'm glad that you found us!

I agree with markgreyblue & roadrunner, you are NOT the one at fault here. It is the adult that must bear ALL the responsibility. One of the most common effects of childhood sexual abuse is the guilt that it may have been our own fault. This is what keeps most of us from not being able to feel better about ourselves. It took me a long time to finally realize this.

I look forward to reading more of your posts! The effort that we put into recovery is hard work, but it is well worth it.

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
I just told my mother.

I went over to see her and she asked me if I was ok and I started crying. I couldn't tell her to start with, but then she got firm and insisted so i did.
I wasn't sure what reaction I expected, but she told me not to dwell on these things, that it happened a long time ago and if I didn't let it go I would fall apart.
Newsflash! I am falling apart and it's because I haven't been dwelling on it.
But she was sweet really although I don't think she quite gets it. She couldn't remember some of the things that I could that could have been signs, but I have no anger about that.
Funny how she's the first person I've told.

She did ask why I never told her before, which is such an odd question. I was 13, dealing with being gay as it was. How does a kid get their head around such a thing. I don't think I would have acknowledged it even if I'd been asked.

Thank you Brian for your post. I'm actually optimistic about recovery, I just hate going through this process. I keep wanting to cry all the time and I cannot sleep. I know I need counselling and this place helps.
No-one really understands, and we cannot expect them to.
I hope, one day when I'm better, that I will be able to help others. I get strength from helping others and believe I've always had natural empathy.

At least I now know why children suffering abuse has always been so painful for me to think about.

faithless.
 
you are a good man faithless. it is terrible what happened to you. terrible too what happened to me and the guys here.

i am so sorry it's painful right now for you.
i am glad though you're here - and it helps.

i just got off the phone with a mod. i have a hard time sometimes too.

just big hugs - and great work -
a good step for your healing.

have a restful and good labour day.

Mark
 
faithless,

I'm glad to hear that you told your mother! That is a HUGE step!! It may take a while to process all the emotions and tears because it has bottled up for so long. You may also start to second guess you decision to disclose due to this emotional storm but try hard to ride it out. You took a HUGE step today; I'm proud of you!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
thanks Brian. And yes, I'm second guessing already. I'm thinking 'oops, I shouldn't have done that'.
But, what's done is done I suppose. I still don't feel anyone understands though, and in fact I feel people would rather not know. That makes it harder.
But, I'm going to deal with this. I've supressed it for so long now, it's time I sorted through it.
Thanks for your help.
 
faithless, you are definately not alone. It takes a lot of strength and courage to face the abuse of your past, it takes even more to share it with others. You don't have to do any of it alone. You can create a network of support, including a therapist, everyone here at MS, and possibly even some of your family members. When those horrible thoughts and feelings rush over you, go to your support network for relief, and know that your are not helpless because you are the one who took the steps to ensure you had the resources/people to draw from in your time of need.

I am working through my abuse as well. I am sending positive energy your way.
 
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