Am I Going Mad?

[Mark S]

Am I going mad? Things were really looking up over the last few weeks, I've been on holiday with my parents, Started college even getting to grips with my girlfriend leaving me. As for the rapes and abuse dished out to me by a male nurse, whilst I was in hospital, apart from a couple of recent wobbles, I thought I had come to terms with it.

Then low and behold, I've got new neighbours and they are South African, the same race as my abuser. Here is my problem I feel as though he may have found out I've told my counsellor, family, friends, you guys etc. I've even done a talk for a local charity that deals with survivors. I feel as though he may have sent them to report back to him. I tried to reason it through but I can't. I've locked my windows and doors hoping that he can't get in. Am I going mad, being stupid or should I be worried. Please could someone reply I can't tell my family etc. I feel so alone.

Mark S

 

[MrDon]

Please know you are not going mad, just most likely being triggered. For a long time after I started down my healing road, I was angry at all truck drivers and scared to death of rest stops where truck drivers stopped at. All because of my father being a truck driver and for some of the abuse that took place within a truck when I would go with him. For a long time I would either try to make trucks crash or make them run off the road. Luckily I was not successful at this nor did anyone ever get hurt.

However it took me a long time to realize that this was a trigger and that these people in trucks and driving on the road were not my abusers. At the time you couldn't have convinced me of it, but now I can look back and see this.

I don't know if you are seeing a therapist or not, but being in college you should have access to therapists. I would urge you to go and talk through these things. Even though I've dealt through a lot of my abuse, certain things still trigger me hard. It is those things that once I have acknowledged them and talked about them with a safe person, that I am able to begin moving on from them.

Just know that you're not alone!

Don

 

[Lloydy]

Mark,
Don's hit the nail on the head there, the coincidence is a big trigger to you.
And that's understandable, so you aren't going mad or acting stupid.

I get the same reaction when I go to the towns where I know my abusers live, unfortunately my parents live in one and I have to work in both of them.
But I know the trigger for what it is now, and although I still feel bad going to these towns it's something I have to do.
It was something that I had to work through with my therapist quite a bit before I realised that my abusers weren't sitting patiently at the edge of town just waiting for me appear, but the feeling that they were made me feel mad and stupid at the time.

Lloydy