Hopefully I don't bore you all with this story-history of what I went through, and hopefully it will mean something to everyone.
You all got me thinking on this a little because it is something I struggle with and yet I've been with Jeff for over 3 years. While that does sound a little strange, I have a hard time uttering the words that I am gay because of all the shame that I was brought up in my family with. From the churches, to the society-small town stuff to what my father used to say about gays.
And yet, I can deny it all I want every day of my life for the rest of my life, but it won't change what I am. I was abused by three males repeatedly but I don't think that made me any more gay than it would make me straight if I would have been abused by a woman. In fact, one of my first introductions to the world of sex was watching my parents have sex so one could think that if anything, I would have known much more about straight sex than I would have ever thought about gay sex. Of course I am going off on a tangent here a little as well.
But I was always able to be "friends" with the girls in school but nothing more. Other boys/guys were people that I saw differently. I was either attracted to them or I was not (and I really didn't realize this at the time). I felt less sexual being around women than I did around guys. And even though I would never admit it, I found myself constantly checking out guys in many ways.
Than as I got older, I never had girl friends like in a relationship. They just never worked out at the time for me and so I tended to be a loaner. I don't think I would have even thought about being in a gay relationship at the time considering the "home environment" that I lived in. But I always was "attracted" to guys and could be more sexually stimulated around them then I could women. And during this time, I would have never admitted it. In fact I once went to strip bars pretty regularly to keep proving to myself that I was straight.
But still thinking I was going to marry a woman because that is what I was supposed to do and what was "right" and all of that crap, I stayed by myself. It wasn't until I went to visit some friends from a support group in Florida one November that changed everything. Jeff who is my partner that I have been with for the past 3+ years was there in the group of these people. He and I had talked through emails about our abuse but never much more than that. Anyway I knew he was doing a radio show for a gay website on child abuse and I volunteered to tell my story that night. Of course I was scared that if I went to this place of the gay website of what would happen to me. And it turned out that it was nothing like what I feared in my mind.
Anyway getting on to Jeff and I. That night he had no where to stay so I let him stay with me. Things were happening that later I found out they were just meant to happen. We talked for a long time and when it was late in the morning, we knew we had to go to bed. I didn't want to see him sleep on a fold out couch and since the bed I had was huge, I invited him to share the bed. Keep in mind, I did not consider myself to be gay or anything. But I felt very safe around Jeff and there was an attraction physically, sexually and otherwise. But I wouldn't have admitted to that if you paid me a million dollars. Deep down I knew it was there though.
Well one thing led to another and when the morning came, we didn't want to leave each other's arms. We felt so safe, so protected, so loved... I could go on and on. It came time to leave, and I cried because I didn't want our time to end. However I had to go back home which was in the midwest at the time.
By the time I got back home, my world had been turned upside down and the one thing I knew was that I wanted to be with Jeff. Jeff of course had just come out of a relationship and wasn't ready to jump back in that quickly. So it took some time, some flights back down to see him before he started to really trust me in that I had pure motives about myself. We just felt so together when we were with each other and we both hated it when we were apart. It wasn't long before I moved to where he lived and well that was a little over 3 years ago.
At first I could not tell Jeff I loved him because the word "love" was one that meant nothing more than pain and hurt and betrayal to me. That's another story, too long for this post. And neither of us could even say we were gay, so we decieded that we would classify ourselves as two guys who just enjoyed each other so much and wanted to be with each other. If that ain't watering down the word "gay", I don't know what is. But it is all we could come up with at that point. Recently, I have been able to tell some people that I am gay and we are a couple. But I am so afraid of rejection and lightning bolts that it makes this very tough for me. A lot of people that know me, do not know that I am gay. And for the first time the other night, I was actually able to tell Jeff the words, "I love you"... that is a big healing step for me.
We've now been together for 3+ years and in that time, we have grown personally and together as well. We are both stronger because of our relationship. I never ever thought I would spend this much time with anyone in my life or even want to continue until I met Jeff. I can't imagine my life without him now and even though it is not readily accepted in society, I would not give him up without a fight. He means so much to me in so many ways. My life is far better for having him in it.
At one time it really bothered me that I would never have the traditional family with kids, but more and more, that is not becoming an issue with me. I am happy with Jeff. I feel accepted and loved by him. And that is much more than I have ever had in life or ever thought I would.
There is a lot that I didn't say here but I hope this will help people a little. It isn't easy being gay and being a survivor in this world. It is very tough. But for myself and for Jeff, we have had some of the best times in our life together.
Don
