Am i dead or alive ???
TheWarrior
Registrant
Hello everyone Pleased to meet you all ,
Im a survivor of severe childhood abuse and adult disbability abuse , secondary trauma ,addictions , married , divorced , lost successful business ,my children through Parental alienations syndrome , sibling abuse , abandonment.
I have many phobias which only this last year ive became to understand through the work of a brilliant mental health team meeting other adult male survivors and my own research to find out who I am and what damage my childhood and disability has caused into my adult life .
Ive seen the affects of how multiple abusers will band together when you find the courage to fully openly disclose .
How ive been treated I wouldn't of treated my worst enemy .
Ive been virtually clean for 8 years or so which im proud of
I had a little slip when I first moved back round to where I was brought up , old friends on coke and sex still .
I had to distance myself from them ive found a nice support group who seem sensible trust worthy adult male survivors so I laid my cards on the table , I wrote my own facebook page and showed it my whole town not one person knocked at my door in anger , I named and shamed all my childhood abusers , Mother , father , step father oldest sister , the man who groomed me , It only became because I asked the police to press charges or caution them and apologise to my ex wife and kids something they didn't do , I asked all of them to sit at a table and apologise to me aswell as I wasn't that little stuttering traumatised boy anymore , the child who was beaten humiliated drowned raped groomed , treated like a basket case the list goes on I crawled out the bucket a mute and made them all gain selective mutism .
Ive met a few Professional people who are advocates in childhood abuse ive been a few conferences I spoke the other week at one , first time on camera I felt so embarrassed as you can imagine ive had to try to learn to speak quite fluent and all my abuse on top but its driving me to be more open and to speak out for better help for adult male survivors ,.
As a child the home was a Nuclear war running hiding , running miles in the middle of the night only to be turned away by your grandfather and uncle while mum and Dad was smashing the house up beating each other.
In them early years i was about 5 and we had a poltergeist which would erupt upstairs you heard banging and screaming we would hide in the living room or escape through the front door the local priest visited a few times , my mother and sister seen 2 faceless nuns on the stairs in black , and when the spirit erupted the last time ,my mother and neighbours brought a dog to the front door and it was literally snarling and would not go over the door .
Each time ive been to court over the last few years not one person has turned up either in my family or my last marriage and that was the sign from childhood , i was never an abusive father in any way shape or form , either mentally , physically or sexually , i delivered all my 3 children who i dearly love and miss , i was hard working 7 days a week sometimes 12 to 24 hours a day ,i feel like ve been a persecuted soul all my life i never asked for my shit childhood or disability ,or my adult trauma and Dysfunction and disclosing my childhood to small minded selfish ignorant people ,
Im recovering now, im in a safe environment , i have nice friends and other survivors to speak to , a caring mental health team , it feels great to be able to sit in a room with other men and be open about your life and professionals with out feeling ashamed and worthless .
I used escapism for many years coke , sex , work , drinking to oblivion , martial arts , prostitutes and adult porn .
I still have flashbacks and triggers ,
I have Albuphobia , Pedophobia , Philophobia , Atelophoba , Glossophobia , Haphephobia , ive been genophobic in some relationships with woman and a sex maniac in others .
I had one time where a friend of my sister who raped me fancied me and i could not have sex with her as it reminded me of what my sister did to me , i was treated as a freak but shit happens its part and part with surviving, i could go on forever, id like to make many new survivor friends ,
To learn more about your work and missions for the future , its been a very lonely dark road i don't know if im alive or dead but something mystical happened in my awakening things you would never believe .
Im not as angry and frustrated now i feel people are letting me be me , i may have autism aswell but time will tell i take medication for my depression and sleep ive cut my drinking down and i also attend an art therapy group painting with other mentally ill adults , ive bought a bike , im feeling happier .
Im in Post Traumatic Growth , which feels very liberating ,
Its helped my speech and my confidence my eye contact .
Im still quite unfluent on a phone but face to face im okay .
I miss my 3 children the whole world and will never stop loving them , my childhood abusers have banded with my ex wife to hide there dirty crimes of what they did to me ,
Ive had to find humour in my Trauma and disability im very outspoken now , im learning to breath be proud of what ive achieved what ive had to over come what ive had to endure .
I use to get very shy and my speech was really severe , id have facial contortions , spasms in my body , severe panic attacks , , some of the comments ive received over the years have ripped me to pieces sometimes feeling physically sick , ive lived from childhood on deaths door and had many attacks on my life in adulthood , I don't fear death anymore I can laugh with the best of them now .
Im hoping to start to do more volunteer work , open a support group where I live as its treated as a taboo subject which comes part and parcel of being an adult male survivor of childhood abuse ,I thought the British Stammering association very unhelpful in certain aspects regarding disabled adult survivors of abuse .
Your 5 times more likely to be abused if your disabled i know the full impact living in a body as a mute , but what my childhood abusers didn't realise was i would eventually get justice either in court or by the www they all gained selective mutism ?
To all the survivors who never find the courage to speak up and take there pain to the graves may they rest in peace xxx
I think it would of been more humane to nail me to the cross and burn me at the stake and stick my body in a hole while my abusers and followers threw rocks at my head and the dirty secrets could be hidden then .
Im sorry for going on ill open up more intime .
Take care
JA xxx
Im a survivor of severe childhood abuse and adult disbability abuse , secondary trauma ,addictions , married , divorced , lost successful business ,my children through Parental alienations syndrome , sibling abuse , abandonment.
I have many phobias which only this last year ive became to understand through the work of a brilliant mental health team meeting other adult male survivors and my own research to find out who I am and what damage my childhood and disability has caused into my adult life .
Ive seen the affects of how multiple abusers will band together when you find the courage to fully openly disclose .
How ive been treated I wouldn't of treated my worst enemy .
Ive been virtually clean for 8 years or so which im proud of
I had a little slip when I first moved back round to where I was brought up , old friends on coke and sex still .
I had to distance myself from them ive found a nice support group who seem sensible trust worthy adult male survivors so I laid my cards on the table , I wrote my own facebook page and showed it my whole town not one person knocked at my door in anger , I named and shamed all my childhood abusers , Mother , father , step father oldest sister , the man who groomed me , It only became because I asked the police to press charges or caution them and apologise to my ex wife and kids something they didn't do , I asked all of them to sit at a table and apologise to me aswell as I wasn't that little stuttering traumatised boy anymore , the child who was beaten humiliated drowned raped groomed , treated like a basket case the list goes on I crawled out the bucket a mute and made them all gain selective mutism .
Ive met a few Professional people who are advocates in childhood abuse ive been a few conferences I spoke the other week at one , first time on camera I felt so embarrassed as you can imagine ive had to try to learn to speak quite fluent and all my abuse on top but its driving me to be more open and to speak out for better help for adult male survivors ,.
As a child the home was a Nuclear war running hiding , running miles in the middle of the night only to be turned away by your grandfather and uncle while mum and Dad was smashing the house up beating each other.
In them early years i was about 5 and we had a poltergeist which would erupt upstairs you heard banging and screaming we would hide in the living room or escape through the front door the local priest visited a few times , my mother and sister seen 2 faceless nuns on the stairs in black , and when the spirit erupted the last time ,my mother and neighbours brought a dog to the front door and it was literally snarling and would not go over the door .
Each time ive been to court over the last few years not one person has turned up either in my family or my last marriage and that was the sign from childhood , i was never an abusive father in any way shape or form , either mentally , physically or sexually , i delivered all my 3 children who i dearly love and miss , i was hard working 7 days a week sometimes 12 to 24 hours a day ,i feel like ve been a persecuted soul all my life i never asked for my shit childhood or disability ,or my adult trauma and Dysfunction and disclosing my childhood to small minded selfish ignorant people ,
Im recovering now, im in a safe environment , i have nice friends and other survivors to speak to , a caring mental health team , it feels great to be able to sit in a room with other men and be open about your life and professionals with out feeling ashamed and worthless .
I used escapism for many years coke , sex , work , drinking to oblivion , martial arts , prostitutes and adult porn .
I still have flashbacks and triggers ,
I have Albuphobia , Pedophobia , Philophobia , Atelophoba , Glossophobia , Haphephobia , ive been genophobic in some relationships with woman and a sex maniac in others .
I had one time where a friend of my sister who raped me fancied me and i could not have sex with her as it reminded me of what my sister did to me , i was treated as a freak but shit happens its part and part with surviving, i could go on forever, id like to make many new survivor friends ,
To learn more about your work and missions for the future , its been a very lonely dark road i don't know if im alive or dead but something mystical happened in my awakening things you would never believe .
Im not as angry and frustrated now i feel people are letting me be me , i may have autism aswell but time will tell i take medication for my depression and sleep ive cut my drinking down and i also attend an art therapy group painting with other mentally ill adults , ive bought a bike , im feeling happier .
Im in Post Traumatic Growth , which feels very liberating ,
Its helped my speech and my confidence my eye contact .
Im still quite unfluent on a phone but face to face im okay .
I miss my 3 children the whole world and will never stop loving them , my childhood abusers have banded with my ex wife to hide there dirty crimes of what they did to me ,
Ive had to find humour in my Trauma and disability im very outspoken now , im learning to breath be proud of what ive achieved what ive had to over come what ive had to endure .
I use to get very shy and my speech was really severe , id have facial contortions , spasms in my body , severe panic attacks , , some of the comments ive received over the years have ripped me to pieces sometimes feeling physically sick , ive lived from childhood on deaths door and had many attacks on my life in adulthood , I don't fear death anymore I can laugh with the best of them now .
Im hoping to start to do more volunteer work , open a support group where I live as its treated as a taboo subject which comes part and parcel of being an adult male survivor of childhood abuse ,I thought the British Stammering association very unhelpful in certain aspects regarding disabled adult survivors of abuse .
Your 5 times more likely to be abused if your disabled i know the full impact living in a body as a mute , but what my childhood abusers didn't realise was i would eventually get justice either in court or by the www they all gained selective mutism ?
To all the survivors who never find the courage to speak up and take there pain to the graves may they rest in peace xxx
I think it would of been more humane to nail me to the cross and burn me at the stake and stick my body in a hole while my abusers and followers threw rocks at my head and the dirty secrets could be hidden then .
Im sorry for going on ill open up more intime .
Take care
JA xxx
