Am I bisexual?

[greenwizard]

I hope it's okay to post this here. It's not about abuse, just some feelings I've been working through since I was in my teens. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, except one gay couple that I'm friends with. They say I probably am bisexual.

I started appreciating other guys in my teens. I even had a friend in high school I did some experimenting with, and in a way it was weird because he was my friend, but I also liked it.

Seeing a shirtless guy... I can just really appreciate it. I guess I kind of already answered my question...? This is just one thing I don't think I can tell my girlfriend. I'm worried she might get jealous or insecure, or I don't know... I'm just attracted to attractive people of both genders.

I love my girlfriend and I'm very attracted to her, and liking a man walking down the street doesn't take away from that any more than seeing another attractive woman.

I don't know... I'm confused...

 

[woodenshoes]

Green wizard

I can relate. I think it can relate to a past experience and a recreating of something that happened when the abuse took place.

Just my thoughts.

Ws

 

[payne]

I can relate to this also. In my teens, I did some experimenting with my step-brother and enjoyed it. I find myself attracted to muscular men in public and particularly in the gym. I also like bisexual porn.

I've told my wife about myself and my step-brother. She's ok with that and likely suspects my bi-sexuality since I like sucking on her vibrator during sex and have bought myself a dildo to suck on. She says that I can suck on these, but doesn't want me to be sucking on the real thing.

I don't think that my sexual abuse from my mother had anything to do with this.

I love my wife a lot but I find myself attracted to other attractive women and attracted to muscular men.

 

[greenwizard]

I'm just afraid she'll get mad if she knew when I watch some TV shows I have sexual fantasies about male characters. I guess I kind of see it as a dirty little secret.

 

[nomad510]

greenwizard,

you're definitely not alone, this has been going on since the beginning of time I imagine. But since we live with these social norms every day and have to decide whats "good" and whats "bad" it tends to give us a lot of guilt when something is outside of the "norm". But the truth is it's very common and people don't speak about it. I would say if you love your GF and she feels loved and you have a relationship you are both happy with then don't worry about it too much. If you think it's getting in the way then you should talk to a therapist or find a book that can help further shed light on the subject.

I just personally think this is normal, and with dozens of cultures throughout the world - it's happening right now. We just tend to police our thoughts and feelings more in the western world.

 

[Tom E.]

I agree-- these feelings or attractions are probably more common than most men, or women are willing to let on. Most of my experiences were male on male, but the few hetero ones I had I enjoyed too.

 

[greenwizard]

I have recently told her. It went better than I expected. The only thing she was really upset about is that I didn't say anything much sooner. She knows I love her and says it's no different than me being around other women. She trusts me.

 

[Shyshark]

This is such a difficult question.

There is no such thing as 50/50 ... there is always a self-recognized preference.

So how close to the line does one stand ... either side ... before it makes a difference?

I was married and loved her with all my heart but there came a time when I could no longer deny to myself that I was gay.

How gay?

 

[greenwizard]

If I have a preference I don't know what it is. I mean, I've always been going after women because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? And it's not like I'm not attracted to them. I think my girlfriend is rather hot.

When I did watch porn, sometimes I watched straight porn, and sometimes gay. It depended on my mood at the moment. I even watched lesbian porn a time or two. It is a mystery to me.

 

[payne]

I understand for I think that my wife is hot and I love her a lot, but along with straight porn, I like gay, bi-sexual and lesbian. From how my wife talks about her past, I think she's had some lesbian experiences and I wonder about her and her identical twin sister whom she slept in the same bed with through high school, college and in college at an all girls school.

 

[Bluedogone]

Well said.

[quote:greenwizard] I've always been going after women because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? And it's not like I'm not attracted to them.[/quote]

When I was a teen I felt a lot of pressure to get married. That's what I was supposed to do. But it was a BIG mistake.

Yet when I had a second chance, I married again. Not for the same reasons, but nevertheless the SSA still had a pretty strong influence on my actions. It's good I've never had to made a final decision, I'm not sure which side I'd choose.

 

[Shyshark]

To echo Green and Blue ...

I also did what I was supposed to do. I met a wonderful woman and fell in love with her.

I was 21 and a virgin and she was 22 and very experienced. The excitement of the sexual contact overruled the 'hanky-panky' I had engaged in with other guys in the steam room/showers at the gym while vehemently denying to myself that I was a fag.

Keep in mind ... it was the 1970's.

I was very good at rationalizing. At the time I only vaguely remembered my abuse ... but did not make any connections ...
nor do I even now believe that it had any bearing on my sexuality. Society suppressed my NATURAL attraction to men.

I thought by loving her I had been saved from those urges ... but I had not.

I loved her with all my heart but once the novelty wore off sex with her became increasingly difficult. I was genuinely attracted to her ... but not to sex with her. She was gorgeous, a card carrying member of Mensa and way out of my league.
To this day I don't know what it was in me that she loved so much ... but she was deeply in love with me too.

Circumstances separated us physically in that she landed a great job but in another city an hour away by plane. We commuted back and forth every week but still our days off often did not coincide with each other ... which meant I was alone a lot.
I was waiting for a transfer that never happened.

The city I was in was small and so I had to be extremely careful about the hanky-panky. Her city was large and I was totally unknown there. I didn't work there or have a social life there.
That complete anonymity was my downfall.

I was a gym addict and so I also joined a gym in the big city ... where there was no hanky-panky.
There was however a body building champion at the gym who took an interest in me and soon coached my workouts ...
we became friends.
One night we decided to go out for dinner together. There was a terrible snow storm and we met at his place and walked to the restaurant. Walking back to his place the storm had morphed into a full blown blizzard. I agreed to go up to his apartment for a drink and the news told us that the city was shutting down all the roads because they were too dangerous ... so I could not go home.
We had several more drinks and I retired to the couch and he to his bedroom.

I woke up in the morning in his bed.

There was no turning back.

The rest of that story is a long one but lets just say that I never socialized with that guy again ... but ... the experience had flipped a switch I could not unflip.
I turned into a huge slut ... but only in the 3 bath houses in the city. For obvious reasons I absolutely did not pursue anything but anonymous sex.

The strain on our marriage became acute. I stopped having sex with her unless there had been 10 days since my last encounter ...
which meant rarely.
I was so naive ... thinking I could handle it ... but I wasn't stupid.

She began to blame herself for the deterioration of our marriage ... convinced that she had ruined our marriage because she had taken the job that was splitting us up ... and soon believed that I was having an affair.
This went on over the space of a year ... a whole damn year!
She had always liked a drink or 2 ... but it soon became 3 or 4 or more and more.
I refused to talk about the problem ... but I backed myself into a corner by finally saying that I would talk to her soon.
I thought soon was a few months ... it was 2 weeks.
You have never seen a more desperately panicked man in your life.
I was not ready yet!

I picked her up at midnight at the airport. I was uncharacteristically quiet ... she asked if we were going to talk and I said yes.
When we got home I told her.
Another long story.

I had packed a bag.
I was convinced that she would explode and throw me out. I also believed that I would fly home the next day and resign from my job.
I would immediately take vacation time owed and so I would walk out immediately and never return.
My family would disown me ... her family would absolutely disown me ... my work mates would turn their backs on me ... and I had no close friends to lose so that didn't matter.
I deserved NOTHING!
The only thing I thought was mine was the money I would receive from terminating my job and getting all my pension contributions back.
That wasn't much. I had only worked for the company for 10 years.
That is what I would rely on when I moved to a completely new city and try to make a new life.

Believe it or not I was willing to do that because all of what I had become and what I was doing was bringing her to her knees.
She was the main reason why I told her ... I just couldn't bear to see her suffer anymore.
I couldn't ... and my selfish reason was that I wouldn't ... keep doing it. It had to stop.
As I saw it ... for both our sake ... I had no choice.
I loved her ... period!

Again ... long story short ... none of that happened.
She wanted to stay together and I could just do what I had to do and we would go on.
She wanted children ... MY children.
I had always wanted children.
I absolutely refused to do that ... and that decision was for the welfare of us both ... and the disaster I believed was waiting if children had become involved.
I'll always wonder how my life would have been drastically different had I chosen that option.
I don't regret it.
I couldn't keep living with the guilt of not being what she deserved ... she had to be free and have the chance to make a new life.

I thought it out very carefully.

She deserved more than 10% of a man.

I'm sorry this is so long. I have a point.

If I had a choice ... if I had not been born gay or even slightly bi ... would anybody in their right minds have chosen the life ...
and the carnage ... that was me to that point in time?

I think not.

 

[greenwizard]

We still have a very good sex life. I mean, not as good as she would like, but that is not a problem on my end. I enjoyed fooling around with my male high school friend too. I think I could have a relationship with a man if I wasn't afraid to come out to people. But I am happy with what is too.

 

[Shyshark]

Hi green ...

I told my story simply for the sake of providing a very abbreviated example ... and I think many guys of approximately my age will relate to it.
You and other's in this day and age have an enormous advantage that we did not have.

Now guys can talk to the women they become involved with ... or anyone else for that matter ... and not LIE!
We did not have that option.
We barely talked about it to ourselves ... much less and God forbid to anybody else.
It just was not done.

I envy you.

Nothing has changed since the beginning of time.

We have no choice in what we are ...
the only choice we have ... and have always only had ... is whether or not we choose to act on our inclinations.

Trust me ... for many many men then and today ... nature trumps nurture.

 

[Shyshark]

I said I backed myself into a corner.

I read in a magazine about a movie that was coming out that already was causing a huge controversy.
In yet another attempt by my wife to talk about what was going on I told her that a movie was coming and that I'd talk to her before it was released.

Can you imagine being that naive ... that stupid?
She saw magazines and knew how to read for God's sake.
I thought I had at least a month or more before it showed up in theaters. Imagine my horror when I picked up a newspaper and saw a full page ad about it's release ... in less that 2 weeks!

If you want a fairly accurate portrayal of what life was like for me watch the movie. It's on youtube.

"Making Love" (1982)

I started to watch it but had to stop. I'm already a bit of a wreck about next Sunday ... the 40th anniversary of our marriage.

 

[greenwizard]

I know things are better in this day and age, but I'm still shy about that part of myself. The friend I fooled around with knows, obviously, and I've talked about it with my gay friends. I only recently told my girlfriend about it. That was very anxiety inducing, but she was surprisingly cool about it. She even said if I wanted to mess around with another guy again she wouldn't be upset as long as I was honest with her about it. If I were to touch another woman I think she'd murder me, but she says a different gender is different.

 

[Shyshark]

She is very very right.

A while after I told my wife and I had put her through hell she said to me ...
"I understand now ... you aren't rejecting me ... you are accepting yourself."
Any wonder why I loved her so much?

It would have been a whole different thing if I had been having an affair with another woman.
I would have had every reason to have that bag packed.

There is another point I would like to make here.

If I had been fooling around with women she probably would have thrown me out (???) ... and ...
I would have been horribly ashamed of myself and chastised I'm sure by one and all ... but ...

I would not have hung my head in utter despair and thought of myself as lower than filth and worthy of nothing.

 

[Cyclingmad]

Greenwizard I know how you feel. The reaction of your spouse is a hard thing to predict and I am not sure there is any way to really know before you do tell. I am glad it went well.

For me, the much harder thing was accepting my bisexuality in my own mind. I have no doubt this acceptance was made so much harder by my abuse, especially when I started blaming my abuse for my sexuality. I have grown a lot since then and now I think the abuse had nothing to do with my sexuality, it is just the way I am.

My ex-wife took it quite badly when I told her but she had the roughest time as she was with me when I really started accepting my own sexuality. I feel bad for her, she married a super fit alpha male soldier, had a child with him and then had to deal with the emotional roller coaster, depression and moods that I went through during that time. It was a very rough ride for her and I think that when I dropped that bomb shell on her it was too much. To be fair it was not my admission that caused our split, our marriage was in trouble for many reasons and at best my bisexuality was just another factor in a very complex problem. We ended up divorcing but the good news is we are still genuine friends and our daughter turns 21 this year, we will both be there for it.

My next partner took it badly as well. I told her early in our relationship because I didn't want to risk any element of deceit to be present. Her response was that a bisexual can't be faithful and I have to suppress it and change. That relationship didn't last either.

Those experiences made me really fearful of telling anyone so I was extremely anxious about it when I met my current wife. I did tell her very early in the relationship because I wanted her to know who and what I am. She took it very well, she actually finds the idea of me with another male very exciting. She has told me many times that if I were to act on my urges she would not mind as long as I am open and honest about it. She sees it as scratching an itch that she can not scratch for me. I see it a little different, to me it still feels like cheating on her but who knows what will happen. The funny thing is she has asked for video or to be allowed to watch if it does happen, she finds gay sex very arousing and has watched gay porn before.

I believe male sexuality is a spectrum where people find a level that they identify with, I am strong believer in the theories of Kinsey. At one end you have the pure hetrosexual, the other end are the pure gay but inbetween are those with bisexual characteristics. I believe the actual number of guys that are either purely straight or gay are not as high as many people think. I use the anology that some like black, some like white and some like it gray. Even bisexuality can be hard to figure out. In terms of long relationships historically I go for females, but I could get involved with a male. In terms of pure sexual attraction I am split down the middle.

I think the hard thing for many facing tis issue is at the time they find themselves having to tell their partner they are often having in a state of internal turmoil coming to terms with their sexuality themselves ant what it means to them.

 

[Docb72]

This has been a difficult lingering issue for me. Watching gay/bi sex porn was a release while watching it. After watching it would feel very guilty about it, and withdrew from my wife. I feel like I wasn't honest with her before we got married. I didn't tell her about my urges

 

[KMCINVA]

I think this issue is compounded by the guilt and shame we suffer from the CSA. It confuses thought, it impacts what we believe should be pleasurable and creates guilt because our bodies reacted during the abuse--which is natural but we become confused because arousal is suppose to be derived from pleasure we are told.

As long as we have this confusion, this guilt, this shame we will question. For me, as I struggle to heal, I found safety, a place with a woman who made me feel safe, a woman who showed me I could leave the guilt and shame at the door, fear did not follow me into the bedroom nor did the abuser. It affirmed what I knew about my sexuality. During periods of dissociation I gather I may have questioned it or was it a reliving or recreating to feel in charge. I am not sure if anything happened but it is the residual of the abuse--the dissociation and confusion.

I wish there was a clear cut answer--who we are should not be clouded by the abuse, unfortunately it is because a child does not understand sex, the mind of a child does not know how to process the sex and the abuse. It rewires itself so the child can survive. We never reroute the wires until we begin to heal.

Kevin