am i asking so much?

[phoster]

My Father above, in whom I trust, am I evil to the core? Surrounded by family and friends, and still I feel alone and unhappy. Is the flaw in me that I can never feel loved? All my life that is all I have ever wanted, all I have ever asked of you. I lie awake at night, tears upon my cheeks for the loneliness I feel. Longing for the arms of someone to hold me, for the kiss of an accepting love, I weep in sadness and sorrow.

In desperation I have given myself to women and men, and I have sinned greatly with the forbidden flesh of beasts. I have searched and prayed, have gleaned my world, looking for loves embrace. Through two marriages I have yearned for the freedom of an accepting, tolerant and understanding love. Why must I always try to be someone I am not for love? Why must I fit someone elses mold to get the affection and intimacy I need? Even then I am lacking, and am empty and void. What is wrong with me that I cannot feel love in the midst of so many blessings?

We lie side-by-side, yet I am alone. When we kiss, it is me kissing her. When we embrace I am the one to seek her out. Where does my love come from? When will someone come to me? When will someone love me as I am? Why must I live a lie to fit in?

Once more desperation is upon me. I look for greener pastures, for answers to my search. I am old, and still looking for love that is accepting and warm. I grow sick and tired of being fake, of trying to be someone I am not. I am very sexual and adventurous, and try as I might, I can be nothing else. Where is a love that accepts me? What is so wrong with me that I am so unacceptable? Why must I always live a lie to have people to love around me?

 

[parttimecop]

It is when you start becoming yourself that you will find true love. Be yourself not the forces acting upon you. It is when you are yourself and more comfortable in your own skin that you will happen upon love. Do this work in yourself because it is right for you, not out of a search for love.

I know those long lonely years. I know lust and it is unlike love in the core of it. Love is something good and pure, lust is a corrruption. It is like a cheap copy of a rolex. on the outside and from a distance they look the same, yet one could not confuse the two up close or when they are telling time.

You are worthy of love, I know this. I wish my meager words could convince you of this. Jesus knew your scars and your shame and still died for YOU. I pray you will be well my brother