Am i alone in having bad forced feminization fanatsies?

Am i alone in having bad forced feminization fanatsies?
B

Broken

Registrant
I have been posting here a while, and i haven't heard much about any other heterosexuals having forced feminization cumpulsions or fantasies i dont want. I know it sucks, but i know there are men out there who this happens to, and i want to understand it better. Does anyone here have similiar sexual fantasies? What happened to trigger them?
 
I am sure you are not alone. Many of us have a variety of sexual compulsions as a result of sexual abuse experiences. I appreciate that you would like to exchange with others who have had similar experiences or inclinations. I found it hard to talk about my interest in male bodies. I attached a lot of shame to my interest and it certainly fueled my sexual identity confusion.

I have discovered that I return to my compulsion when I am anxious or depressed because there is a form of comfort in it. It was something I did a lot of as I grew up, watching bodies, and it made me feel even more isolated, others did not seem to be having these secret thoughts.

I think I have some understanding why I have this compulsion. It was related to my wanting to reclaim my sexuality. Although these thoughts do not go away, I understand them better. I am also beginning to recognize the anxiety I feel and look for other ways of dealing with it, like writing.

Tracing the origins of our compulsions and recognizing that they are the result of our abuse helps us accept ourselves and lesson the compulsiveness of them. I believe your compulsion is not necessarily bad but it may interfere in your life and cause you to feel bad about yourself.

I hope that you find others with similar experiences, but know that the compulsions many of us experience have similar traits and are not too dissimilar. And always remember you are not alone.

thad
 
Hey B,

I've been really quiet around here since I moved, so I didn't get to respond to your post right away, but I wanted to let you know that you are DEFINITELY not alone in having forced fem fantasies.

I don't know if you've read any of my previous posts before, but I crossdress. Have been doing it in private since I was about 14. I'm 27 now. My best friend is a lesbian (we'll call her "Cathy"), and she has encouraged me to get dressed up (we're also dating now, too, which is a post all to itself).

I have talked a little about my crossdressing here in the forums, but I've never talked about the fantasies of forced feminization, mainly because I feel very shameful about it. I feel shameful about most of my sexual being (that's nothing new to us survivors), but when it comes to this I feel even worse. It's just not healthy to me. I have read LOTS of porn online as it relates to crossdressing, and being forced to do it is a VERY common theme. So yeah, I think about it a lot, and this only produces more shame. The irony of forced feminization fantasies (based upon actual research by psychologists) is that they are meant to REDUCE feelings of guilt toward the crossdressing ("see, I'm not dressed up cuz I WANT to... I was MADE to do it..."). But since it involves a loss of power (a feeling that sends my anxiety into overdrive), that could be the reason for my love/hate relationship with those fantasies.

I finally told "Cathy" about it last week. She continues to assure me that I can tell her anything, and not have to feel judged (and she is right). But I've held onto so much of this, privately, for so long that it's hard to just come right out and tell her.

We've actually gone out with me dressed up three times, and only one of those occasions was Halloween. There was one time (before Halloween) when we drove down the street for take-out, but I hadn't shaved, so I was obviously a guy in drag. Cathy assured me that the take out person wouldn't see me, nor would they care.

The 2nd time was to the big street festival in Santa Monica for Halloween, with me all dolled up. It was almost a magical night, until we lost the car keys, and had to trudge for 2 more hours in my heels. In a weird side note, a guy in a car yelled out "fag" at me as he drove past, and then a few hours later at a street corner a different guy pulled alongside, and was going to proposition me, but I brushed him off. I was far more concerned about the 2nd guy, than the 1st one. Maybe since I consider myself hetero (questioned orientation issues aside), that's why the "fag" comment didn't really bother me.

The 3rd time was going out to GirlBar in Santa Monica with Cathy, and my cousin (who is also lesbian). These are the same 2 that I came out to about my abuse. It was a bit more sedate outing than the last time, and it was a fun night dancing. I had to pay a 20$ cover charge, being a guy at a lesbian bar. Apparently the skirt didn't count for much...

Anyway, Cathy has been encouraging me to be more accepting of myself, and in some ways, I have been. But I know I've got a lot longer ways to go yet. I've got a therapist appt tomorrow. Trouble is, I've got so many things on my mind, I don't know where to start, or what to focus on. I've only got 50 min.

Broken, I now understand personally why you chose the name you did for the Forums. In the last 2 months, as my anger grows, my tolerance for irriation shortens, and I recognize more 7-year old behavior seeping out of me, I feel far less "together" than I had written about previously. I'm now looking at the reality of what I am facing, instead of the clinically detatched realm of theory. And I'm far more scared than I was before.

I gotta go guys. I've got more to say on the matter, but it'll have to wait for another time. Take care all.

We're in this together.

Jeremy
 
Thank you for replying. I don't judge people for their sexual identities or activities as long as they are consentual, and i want to make that understood before i respond. I respect your freedom of choice.

But, personally, for me, i don't think my feelings of sexual arousal from these fantasies are at all healthy. I have no desire to be a woman, and though i'm still on shakey grounds with my sexual identity, i am proud to be a man and am finding more pride in my masculinity every day. I don't see wearing womens clothing as a means of being vulnarable or sexually attractive. I just can not accept this compulsion as part of my sexual or overall identity.

For me, forced or not, wearing womens clothing for sexual gratification is a painfully humilating atack on my pride. The turnon really seems to stem from the humiliation, not the role playing. The association of the fantasies to my abuse put them in a bad light in my mind. If i want to feel vulnarable or attractive, i want to do so as a man. I am not a woman, I was not born a woman, and I'll never be a woman. And frankly, i dont want to be.

In a way, i think society steals peoples pride, and psychology tends to support prevailing opinions. Frued himself caused irreprable harm by denying his patients sexual abuse, even though the symptoms persisted long after his patients "accepted" their "fantasies". I think people cause a lot of damage by shoving people into stereotypes they are comfortable with. I spent a lot of time trying to look at my problems objectively, and i just don't think i would call myself a crossdresser just because i have these fantasies. In a way, thats like saying your evil just because you have evil thoughts. I can accept it is a part of me, but i wont allow myself to be forced into doing something i hate.

I am curious to know more details as to the type of abuse that happens to men who have forced feminization fantansies, and both their personalities and pschological methods they use to deal with thier abuse. I know some probably want to be crossdressers, but i think many don't. After speaking with other survivors, it seems that there are many heterosexual survivers who have had homosexual experiances, but do not consider themselves gay. I am hoping for a common link.

Sometimes i kind of wish all i had to do was accept that i am a crossdresser and that i really just want to be a slutty barfly at a gaybar or something, but it just doesn't work that way. But what really happened is somebody ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it in a thresher, and i have to repair the damage somebody else did to my mind, spirit and soul. At any rate, i wish you and everyone else the best. thanks for listening.
 
Hey Friend,
We are pretty much in the same boat so we might as well consider each other friends! I don't have any friends offline...male or female except my wife and other family members...Whatever, I didn't want to answer this one because it's pretty hard to face!!!! You seem to need some answers so I will try to tell you my story of why I have them...what you are talking about...not all the time but sometimes and it drives me nuts just like all the other thoughts I have just worst!!!!!!!!!!!

I was forced to do it when I was a kid...more then just a few times! This is harder then I thought it would by...been having lots of flashs lately because I'm home recovering from a back operation and can't work my brains out like I like to do...can't do anything but read, watch TV, and screw with my puter...can't even have sex...which is really driving me nuts!!!!! I have noticed that the flashs of being forced to dress up like a girl and then raped make me sicker then the rest but then thinking about the flashs turns me on!!! Dam does that suck...190lbs and a beard...don't think I would look too good but at 13 or so it must have been different because these two brothers and their older uncle made me do it 20+ times. One brother was 3 years older then me and his bother 3 years older then him and from what I see in the flashs the uncle was about 30yo. The younger one would show up at my house...always on a friday after school and give my father $20 to hold for me...saying that his father needed my help for the week end and take me up to his house where the others were waiting. I was always really freaked out...like the walk to the electic chair! Now I had told my father 4-5 times about being SA but he always said that it was my fault and that I wanted it...if I came home beat up and bloody...he would beat me up more...for loseing the fight...he just really hated me?????? Whatever, the uncle was the Ped. who got the brothers started and would come to watch them for the week end when their parents would go away...this guy was so sick and into weird shit and drugs. I would take any of the drugs just for relief from the pain in my mind and body...it made it easier to take what I knew was coming...always the same shit but with different ways of doing it..like acting out little plays...this uncle loved to plane things for the next time...even wrote it down.. made me say and do what he had thought up.

You know everyone keeps wondering if they are gay or trying to think that they are not. I don't think that I'm gay but maybe I like being hurt...Whatever,I think the test is in his kiss...just like the song...If you like kissing or being kissed by another man...you most likely are gay...if you don't like it maybe you're not...This is just my thoughts!!!! Try it and see if you like it..a very simple test and pretty safe!!! I didn't like it and still don't...took the test...Whatever, they liked it and did it a lot...I can still feel and teast it...it sucked hard and long...don't know how to explain it????????????

This is getting long and I'm flashing so I will say that they gave me drugs...dressed me up in women's cloths...panties, dresses, etc., eveything and anything that the uncle would bring...and treated me like a girl all week end...they didn't beat me up because I had submitted to them and the rest long before because of the beatings from them and then my father when I got home!!!! If you need to know more...later..I've had enough now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie
 
Hey Broken,

I get where you're coming from; no offense taken.

Accepting my crossdressing wasn't easy for me. It's still not something I'm completely comfortable with.

Since I got my degree in Psychology, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out WHY I crossdress. I mean, there has to be a reason for it, doesn't there? I don't have any memories of being forced into a dress. I don't remember any of my abuse, except for two very vague memory flashes that have faded with time. What I do know is that beginning sometime around 3rd grade all I could think about was dressing up. I never had the courage to actually TRY it until I was in 8th grade. That's when I snuck into my mom's closet for the first time.

And it felt good. It felt wrong that I was in my mom's stuff, and I was worried about being caught dressed up, but I liked how it felt when I was dressed up. I didn't even masturbate while dressed, for the first several years (not until I was in college… 18 or 19, no joke). Just getting a hard-on like that was pleasurable enough.

I brought these ideas up to my lesbian friend "Cathy" not long after I came out to her, and she told me I should worry less about the whys and wherefores of it, and find a way to not feel shameful about it. When my older brother came out to me that HE crossdresses, that really floored me. He holds the same opinion as Cathy, not digging into the whys of his interest. It's still not easy for me to let it go of finding “why.” But I doubt that I would give up crossdressing if some miracle cure came along that could remove it from my life.

Broken, I know that my pleasurable experiences are not shared by you. It sounds like humiliation was the name of the game, with whatever happened to you. As with all abuse, it was done only to gratify the person who held the power. I don't expect you to accept it in your life. And I would not consider you a crossdresser, either, especially if you haven't acted upon the feelings, and gotten dressed up.

Whether you ever do decide to accept it, I think it would be a good thing to do away with your preconceptions about what it means to crossdress: it does not mean that you have to be a “slutty barfly at a gaybar or something.” There are those that do that, but dressing, for me, has more to do with becoming comfortable with myself. Sometimes, I feel more comfortable wearing something feminine. Other times, I prefer a tshirt and shorts. I just got a flannel shirt that I really like (very manly). But then I also bought a nightie for myself.

For the record, I don't want to be a woman either. I do enjoy being a man, peeing standing up, and all that stuff. But I also know that my interest in sports is practically nil. I am not (nor will I ever be) a muscle bound hunky-type of man. I made that realization that I wouldn't fit that mold a loooooong time ago, so I never bothered with the macho kind of posturing that is so common in guys. As a matter of fact, since it was that type of guy that teased me in jr high, I don't think much of that type of man at all, even in social settings. I kind of tried to learn to accept my skinny, geeky self for who I am. It didn't kick in much until I excelled at swimming in high school (which also afforded me the opportunity to shave my legs, guilt free).

Do I sound defensive at all? I probably am, even though I told you that no offense was taken. Cathy keeps pointing out my defensiveness to me. I have this irrational need to explain myself all the time.

I have read plenty of the online crossdressing erotica with the forced fem thing, and I have been struck by the realization that I may like the fantasy, but it would be extremely unhealthy in reality. It runs counter to all my views on how a relationship should run. And yet, some of those are the most erotically exciting for me. I really don't get it. Same goes for the questions regarding my sexual orientation. I'm dating a woman right now, and it feels absolutely wonderful, so where the hell does that come from??

I've got enough conflicted emotions. For whatever reason, the urge to crossdress is in my life. There are a thousand other destructive impulses that I could be displaying, so I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I don't have something like that.

Broken, I wish you the best of luck in coming to peace with yourself.

Eddie, I'm sorry that you suffered that kind of humiliation and abuse. Thank you for sharing, and hopefully, taking back some of your power.

We're in this together.

Jeremy
 
I have struggled with forced feminization fantasies since I began having sexual fantasies as an adolescent. It has been the only thing besides direct stimulation that has ever brought me to orgasm. I had no idea what caused them and the guilt and shame were overwhelming.

I am DID with male and female alters, the result of the sexual and psychological trauma I experienced as a child. Six years into therapy I recovered my memory that my cousin forced me to wear my grandmothers clothes when he raped me. This was my first sexual encounter and my childs mind solidified a lifelong connection between arousal and the horrible thing that was done to me. The guilt has subsided with the knowledge of why. But it makes me sick that 50 years later my perpetrator still has a stranglehold on my mind.

Originally misdiagnosed as transsexual, it took 3 years of therapy to understand the calming effect testosterone blockers and the female hormone estrogen had on my System. The decreased sex drive was welcome, but true peace came from the chemical castration. In knowing that once and for all that I could never have children and the cycle of abuse stopped with me. I still take hormones today.

My female alter pre-dated being molested by my Mother and being raped by my cousin. It was just not possible to express the whole person within the confines of my familys late 1800s eastern European mentality of what men and women were and were not allowed to do. In combination with my parents psychological abuse, my female alter is the result of my childs mind trying to make sense of the gender confusion of only having little girls as playmates and my parents giving me my female cousin's hand-me-downs to wear.

My role in my System is to be a solidly cisgender male. I do not crossdress and the sexual abuse I suffered as a child left me with a strong trans-homophobia. Wearing womens clothes is completely normal for my female alter. Like me, she is solidly cisgender and wore my mothers things & makeup frequently when I was a small child. An innocent way for her to express herself, she stopped when I was raped in 2nd grade. My mind tied wearing women's clothes to masturbation when I became an adolescent. A self sustaining cycle, the self loathing I experience over my sexual fantasies feeds my rage. It all seems so obvious now but I wrangled over why for years...

***TRIGGER WARNING***
As I write I understand the pain my fantasy must have caused my female alter
In reliving the rape and the distorted reinterpretation of her innocent expression of self.
***END WARNING***

The fantasies continued but the guilt I experienced was eventually great enough to trump my female alters needs. Until my female alter became self aware in 2009, there were only 3 traumatic periods the rest of my adult life she wore womens clothes; moving on my own after college, the death of my first wife, and breaking up with the girl who later became my second/present wife. Therapy has helped me understand my female alter came to front so my System could survive each of these traumatic events.

Since becoming self aware in 2009 she fronts about 2 days a week. It takes a tremendous amount of effort for me and my wife, but my alter and I live completely separate lives. She has her own wardrobe, friends from yoga, does the grocery shopping and errands as her contribution to the family. Psychological shifts are beyond my System's control, but no one has ever seen both of us. Only a handful of our close friends, my immediate family and the medical professionals who treat me even know I am DID.

She is a strong alter, fronted for my System all through junior high causing me a tremendous amount of teasing for being effeminate back then. But my female alter is only 13 years old and she is not a strong enough personality to regularly represent the System. She was tired of and resentful at having to exist in a corner of my mind and had every intention of taking over when she first became self aware. I just wanted her to go back to wherever she came from.

Our relationship has changed greatly over the course of therapy. Much of the difficulty my female alter and I faced early on was because neither of us had any regard for the feelings or needs of the other. We are generally coconscious these days, but cannot read each others mind. We talk non-stop from the minute I wake up, in my head or out loud if no one is around. I understand her need to live her life and she knows she will have time to front as surely as the sun comes up in the morning.

My fantasy lost much of its fascination this past spring when my female alter went to a week-long out of state yoga retreat. I was more than a bit taken back when I realized she hadnt brought anything for me to wear. Fantasy had become reality. For 9 days I only existing inside my female alter's mind. I had to trust she had no plans for revenge, that I would not be dismissed as a fleeting thought and forced to be a woman for the rest of my life. The trip gave me a good sense of what her life had been like for 30+ years, a chance to experience the pleasant calmness of sitting in the passenger seat. We talked back and forth out loud in the hotel room like we always do, but unlike when I front I was the one talking out loud, not my female alter. After the initial shock I never doubted her ability to front for the System or that at the end of the workshop she would turn the task back to me. I realize now the Self only let the trip happen because each of us had been ready for it. Perhaps it was the first step to sexual healing for us both?
 
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