Am I a monster?

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Am I a monster?
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Oz

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Hi all,
I'm new to all of this so I'll tell you all a bit about myself. I'm a 17 year old Aussie boy. I live about 3 hours away from Melbourne. I was sexually assualted when I was 15. It was the weirdest and most disturbing experience of my life. Everything about it seems really blurry in my memory. I was so, SO, SOOOO sure that I had dealt with it all, through my effective method of not dealing with it (haha, makes sense). All the counselling and therapy I had at the time was pretty much in one ear and out the other. And while I now understand that it wasn't my fault I still can't get it through to me and there is this shame that never goes away that tells me that I could have done something else to stop it from happening. I've committed myself to making sure it never happens again by taking Muay Thai Kickboxing lessons. If only I had've been able to fight back then eh.
I didn't have a clue how much the assualt impacted on my life because I LOVE to not deal with huge things like that, so I just crammed it deep down within me. My parents know about it but they walk on eggshells whenever something involving the subject is brought up. They are pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing and it makes me sort of think that I'm a disappointment to them.
Anyways, it's been nearly 2 years since the attack and I'm now able to see some of the effects its had on me. At first it was excessively worrying if I was gay. I'm not but I couldn't get that through to myself. From this I used to look up pornography all the time to neutralise this anxiety.
As time moved along though I was starting to think that it wasn't a big deal anymore, it was just a memory ya know. But then on Christmas Eve 2003 I had the most scariest thing happen to me which I now realise is connected to my own assualt. I had a panic attack. I bet you're all like 'WHOA, is that it?' but to me it was something that I had never experienced before and didn't have a clue what was happening. What I was flipping out over is I got the most horrible thought in my head of ME molestering children. Instantly (and like we're talking overnight), my life went down the gurgler. I was way uncomfortable being around kids because I was too scared of sexually abusing them and after going through it myself I would choose to die than do that to a child.
Once I had this awful thought it has remained a broken record playing in my mind and I'm sure as you're reading this I'll still be thinking about it. I'm so scared of becoming a paedophile and I don't want to be one but it's almost as though I don't get a choice in the matter, that it will just happen. So I'm always on panic alert, regularly have breakdowns, constantly think about killing myself to protect others from what I could do, cannot concentrate on anything and just feel so lonely.
Me and me counsellor reckon I have obsessive compulsive disorder because I also have unwanted thoughts of hurting my family, which also scares the absolute crap out of me.
So yeah, there ya go, that's pretty much been my life for the last 10 months, nothing but sheer terror at these really horrible thoughts. So what I want to know is if this obsession with worrying if I will become an offender connected to my own sexual assualt. I reckon it is but I don't know much about sexual assault and the aftermath of it...even though I've lived through it. And am I a monster for thinking these things?
Any help or comments or whatever would be appreciated. Cheers :)
Peter
 
Dear Peter,
no, no, no and million times more no, you are not a monster!

Now I can wish you a warm welcome here and I am glad that you find us :) .

You are not alone!
Depression, anxiety, breakdowns, panic attacks, insomnia, eating disorders, confusions of any kind, self destructive behaviour etc., we are all more or less familiar here about it.

It is very good thing that you are on therapy and that your parents know about molestation.
In all chaos in your mind do not forget to fight fear. Fear is able to block you as well as to pull you down which is not good thing.
You'll need time and a lot of power to heal yourself.
It is not easy process but you know that already.

Kids are big trigger to you and that is probably source of bad feelings in your mind.

But one good thing is that you are very much aware about all bad impact that assault had on you.
You are strong and brave young man that deserve the best.

You'll find a lot of friends here, of course because you are so young be careful just for any case.

I wish you the best,
Ivo
 
OZ. It is amazing how we bury the sa and beleive that it was no big deal. Just know it was the biggest thing to every happen to you in your life. It sexualized you and you had no say in it.

Has the perp been caught or put away or whatever.

Like you I had a lot of deep anger that I directed inwards at myself or at those I love the most. Funny thing though it was never at the perps.

Intellectually, like you, I knew it was never my fault, but emotionally it was an entirely different story. In addition my body betrayed me in that I was brought to excitement and orgasm by it. Ergo I must have wanted it. And they continually pounded that into my head. They were giving me what I wanted all along.

Now you said:
So I'm always on panic alert, regularly have breakdowns, constantly think about killing myself to protect others from what I could do, cannot concentrate on anything and just feel so lonely.
Click to expand...
That my friend is not an option ever ok. I know that it is very rough right now but by dealing with it at an early age you will be able to live your life the way you were meant to. And you are not a monster, never were and never will be. A lot of us here have had those thoughts and it scared or still scares them depending on where they are at in their healing. You know what it was like when you were assaulted and I bet you would never inflict that horror on anyone else.

Now, from what you say, you were in chat last night. Was any moderator there.

It is our general policy here that newcomers who are teenagers are paired up with a Moderator to make sure they stay safe and grounded and to sort of be their quide through all that you are dealing with.

I am 63 and suffered sa for 40 years before I started to deal with it at 56. It happened when I was roughly your age. 16-17 and went on for 9 months regularly at Military College.

If you wish someone younger to be your guide I will gladly make the request in the Moderators Forum. A moderator is a volunteer from amongst ourselves who sort of monitors what is going on on the boards and in chat. You might ask the other guys about it.

Stick with us OZ. You are on the right road. It will be difficult; I wont lie to you but there is the knowledge that you can get out from under the stench of SA.
 
What I was flipping out over is I got the most horrible thought in my head of ME molestering children. Instantly (and like we're talking overnight), my life went down the gurgler. I was way uncomfortable being around kids because I was too scared of sexually abusing them and after going through it myself I would choose to die than do that to a child.
Click to expand...
You know, I think most of us probably worry about this at some point. I know I did. For years I sort of had it in my head that there was some sort of cycle to this stuff. That I was going to be influenced into being a pedophile myself.

So here are some straight facts, just so you know. There is not cycle to this stuff. Being a victim does not lead to being an abuser.

Valid studies have shown that child molesters are more likely than the general population to have been molested themselves as children.

But victims of childhood sexual assault are only slightly more likely to turn into molesters themselves. So it's important to look at it the right way.

Look at it this way: If 50 out of 100 child molesters were victimized themselves, that seems scary and predictive. But it's only one side of the story.

On the other side, say that 2 in 100 people from all backgrounds turn out to be child molesters. Perhaps 3 in 100 abuse survivors go on to be child molesters. So yes, there is an elevated number of victims who go on to abuse, but it's nothing close to being most victims going on to abuse. I only use these numbers to illustrate the point, the actual numbers are all over the map, but they do support what I'm saying.

And, if you want to get down to it, more child molesters have growing up in poverty as a common factor in their backgrounds than being molested. So should we worry about everyone who grew up poor turning into a child molester? Of course not. Nor should we worry that victims will become molesters.

Take care
Dan
 
Peter,

The guys are telling you the truth.

You aren't a monster. You never WERE a monster. It was the sick SOB who did this to you and made you think this way because of it that's the monster.

I'm 37 years old and I'm JUST coming to terms with being sexually and physically abused by a middle school counselor when I was 11 (I repressed the memories), as well as being raped two years ago. I so understand what you say, about knowing it isn't your fault but not BELIEVING it. I also understand about your fear of being an abuser. I fear it, and as a result, perhaps unfairly project it onto everyone else, even my sister who is helping me through this.

I think the reason good people like you and me have this fear is that when an abuser gets caught, sually one of the first things we hear about them is that they were abused themselves. Thus we believe, consciously or unconsciously, the "vampire" story. That we're predestined to abuse because we were abused.

This is a load of crap.

I don't pretend to have all the answeres to this (Brother, do I wish!), but therapists whom I've worked with seem to have a consencious (sp?) about abusers and victims. While there are a lot of abusers who abuse, the majority of victims don't become abusers themselves. There's a whole lot of psychiactric mumbojumbo that comes along with that conclusion, but it can be summarized like this: there's more to an abuser than being exposed to sexual (or any kind) violence. One of the key ingredients to their minds that is missing is empathy, the ability to feel what other people feel. You, me, we'd rather die than inflict the kind of hurt we have endured on others, particularly children. The fact that we FEAR it tends to say we're not that likely to do it.

There are no guarentees in life, I'm sorry to say. Given the circumstances lining up in the right way, anyone can become a murderer, abuser, jerk, whatever. But we are so hypersensitive to it, the chances of you becoming one is unlikely.

But one thing I also want to say to you is that it wasn't your fault. I know you know it, but you can't hear it often enough. There was nothing you could do. This person had power over you and used it in a completely, totally wrong way. I am so very sorry it happened to you.

You need to talk about these things in order to keep them in perspective. I know you've been to counselling before, but have you considered getting more? Perhaps you're more in a place now to make the best use of it. And believe me, the second you start talking about this, about everything that hurts, it's the second you begin getting that power back from the animal who did this to you.

Also, continue to make use of this site. The guys here are some of the best people around, and while the circumstances of their experiences are different, they've gone through most of what you've gone through. If you need to rant, post it. If you have a question, ask it. If you just want someone to listen to you, you've got it.

I know I'm going to enjoy hearing what you have to say. You sound like a great person.

PM me, or any of the guys here you feel you can trust, if you need to talk. We're great listeners.

Peace and love, my friend.

Scot
 
Peter
No, you're not a "monster".

"Monsters" don't do therapy and talk about their fears, they don't seek help.
Survivors do.

My guess is that because all this is still so recent and new to you things are happeneing in an almighty rush. Do you sometimes feel that all this 'recovery' stuff is happening around you instead of within you?
It's important to go at your pace, and not be rushed by outsiders.
But that's just one thought, and something to think about.

A lot of these 'monsterous thoughts' we have, and many of us do have thoughts of our own that we consider 'mosterous', are just ways of keeping ourselves in victim mode as well, by reinforcing the "I'm a piece of shit" script that we were left with by our abusers.

We aren't "shit", we're just regular guys who got abused. And that's the abusers shit, not ours.

Stick around and help yourself to the best support and friendship there is for Survivors, there's a terrific bunch of people here.

Dave
 
Peter,

Welcome to the International Brotherhood of Male Survivors...have you noticed where the guys live who have responded to you...Bosnia, England, US. And like Mikey says, don't be offended if one of us suggests you hook up with a Mod to help keep you safe.
Just a quick note before I have to go...someone is actually suggesting we drive down to the coast for dinner tonight...
What you describe is fear. And, it is fear that we have to work through as a result of being abused.
So, whatever will frighten you the most is what you'll have to confront in this process called recovery. The good news is that you are not alone...you will never have to be alone as you proceed through whatever personal jungle you find for a pathway.
Peter, take a big breath and don't forget to exhale. Some of the road can be rocky, just tell us when it does. When you feel ready, you may want to share your story in the, "My Story," section. Getting out what happened to you and talking about what frightens you will hasten your recovery. I'm glad that your parents know what happened to you. They don't have to know everything, but I hope that you have a therapist that you feel comfortable with so that you can really let your hair down.
Peace, strength and courage,

David
 
I have been reading others' stories for a couple of weeks now, and I've finally collected enough courage to respond to the Aussie's posting, which hit very close to home with me. I am now 51 years old, and mourning the child(ren) I never had because I too was (afraid/convinced) the sexual abuse I received from ages 13-19 would be passed along by be. I resolved I would not let that happen by not having children---what a waste--I now know I would have made a great father. I wish there had been a place like this when I was a teen--to let me know I wasn't the only one...
 
Welcome here, Peter (and Dale as well!)

No, Peter, you are not at all a 'monster'. I think we all have thoughts, invasive thinking, that is terrifying to us at times, because it is so against our nature. I think that most, if not all, of the people here would die, lie down and die, before committing another horror to another child. But children make me nervous some also. I work as a coach/trainer, and choose very deliberately to work mostly with older people, in late teens or even in 20s. It is NOT that I feel I would harm a child. And it is not that I feel envy or jealous of happy and safe children. But it is feeling inside my head that I am not sure what it is, where it is from, or what to do to make it go away.

As others have said, 'monsters' do not go to therapy, do not go online seeking HELP for their thoughts and fears. They act on them, and enjoy their actions. You do not at all sound like that.

I wish you both good luck, and welcome here.

leosha
 
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