Am I a monster just because I say "I don't know??"

[Jacob S]

really bad night. very upset. Started going downhill, couldn't stop. a mindfulness meditation video I made for myself a while back helped a lot. but I'm still pretty shook up about it. I tend to have views which tick everyone off because I try to not to draw conclusions when there is not enough information. This makes half the world mad at me because they like to assume everyone is guilty and the other half of the world is mad at me because they like to assume everyone is innocent and all allegations are false. Whenever I said "I'm holding off judgment," everyone takes that as meaning I'm on the other side!

Ok, here's the conversation that got me upset. The words in bold is what sent me off the deep end. I don't mind if you guys wanna tell me I'm wrong or out of line or whatever. I just don't think having a different opinion is worth calling someone a child-r*pe-apologist.

The topic: Bill Cosby has been accused of sexual assault.

ME: These things should be investigated, but our reaction should remain tempered until there is something other than allegations. The women involved should be given every resource possible to help them heal as if the allegations are true. But the press given to the allegations should be measured and skeptical (I mean that in terms of questioning claims, not in terms of snarky journalistic tone), not bandwagon-hopping.

OTHER PERSON: You sound just like all those people who for years refused to believe the kids who said they were molested by Catholic priests. Set some guy up as a hero, and he can do no wrong.

ME: not at all. Did I say don't investigate? Did I say it was impossible? Did I call these women liars? I simply said that caution should be practiced. He was never a "hero" to me. I've never found him funny or relatable or whatever-able. I would be making the same statement no matter who was at the receiving end of the allegations. And you're a d--k for comparing me to people that actively covered-up and protected pedophiles. Those people tried to dissuade victims from going to the police, tried to downplay the seriousness of the allegations, and sided with an establishment over an individual (all exactly the same things that are going on right now in Sayreville, I might add). I'm not suggesting any of that. My POV is investigate and don't pre-judge. Calling that the same thing as sticking my head in the sand is aggravating and stupid.

being accused of being one of the r*pe-coddlers, I'm spinning inside. I can't calm down. Why? Am I afraid he's right? I don't think so. I didn't say anything bad about the accusers. I didn't say they should shut up. I didn't say they shouldn't investigate. All I said is that there isn't enough public evidence yet for anyone else to know for sure. Is that so bad? UGH. If I'm being something so bad here, I really do want to know it. Not doing well here. Am I a monster just because I say "I don't know?"

 

[OCN]

Jacob, you are definitely not a monster!

You show what is lacking very much in this world: nuance, consideration and not drawing conclusions too rapidly

Nowadays you're supposed to jump any bandwagon which comes by, whether it's outrage over a fallen star, catholic priests etc.

And what would the other person say, if you'd replied: dude stfu.. i was abused, so i know what i'm talking about? (i know, it's not the first or smartest thing to say - but just to give an example)

Seems to me that this person cares a lot about people having the same (strong) opinion as he does.

it's hard sometimes to stand up for your opinion, especially when you're not drawing conclusions. People don't like uncertainty, so they rather draw an easy to be dismissed conclusion than to wait it out and check the facts.

Don't blame yourself Jacob, it's just others who can't bare uncertainty.

 

[C. E.]

Jacob -

I don't know about you, but when I look back on my life so far, I realize that my best decisions often swam against more popular tides. Paradoxically, I have come to understand that getting "flak" is often an indicator that I'm on the right path, and my most regretful moments are when I lower the banner of my beliefs merely to placate the voices around me. In so doing, I join the safe and noisy throng - the mob of followers - and abandon the potential to truly lead, to be a light, to enlighten others. It takes courage to stand by yourself when it seems no one else will.

But stand you must. Realize that you'll never change those who repackage your words into snarky and cruel caricatures. Understand that the words of your detractors have nothing to do with you, but rather allow them to rephrase the world to fit the simple and inflexible dimensions of their limited perspectives.

Having read the snippet of conversation you posted above, I find your response reasoned, thoughtful and marked by a seemingly judicial perspective. In a democratic society, those are the minds who are entrusted to oversee such issues. So your views are in good company after all, and perhaps resonate at a more highly evolved level of thought than "Other Person".

 

[Jacob S]

Thank you guys. I'm working on not needing external voices in order to calm my internal storms, but right now I do and you guys came through. Your words helped a lot.

 

[finallyhere]

In answer to your question. Like everyone else - you are no monster. Media is so out after the next story to top the last you have to filter everything. Only a fool jumps to judge without all the facts. And really who cares about bill Cosby. If he did it those in charge will decide not us. It is between him, the woman involved and the authorities. If he didn't then who becomes the victim?

 

[gettingstronger]

Hi Jacob,

Like finallyhere and the others have said, you're no monster. I don't believe anything at all these days unless I've done at least a little research on it; jumping in without at least a good percentage of the facts is irresponsible, if you ask me.

As for me, I was virtually destroyed sexually by a husband and wife, friends of my parents, at age seven or eight. This was followed by four years of molestation by an older neighborhood boy, often in my own room while my mom was home. Finally, there was another neighbor who tried it (unsuccessfully) when I was about fifteen. My point is, if anyone should be unusually sensitive to these things, it should be me. But not for a minute.

The minute we start condemning people without evidence, I'm out of here. To me, the only thing worse than overlooking/denying/covering up sexual abuse is engaging in witch hunts. Thanks again for your post.

Bob

 

[don64]

Hi Jacob,

Congratulations for figuring out the issue is really about you needing external validation. It has been very crazy making for me getting caught up in pointing fingers at others, needing them to be "bad" or "wrong" in order for me to feel "right."

I recently went through a 5 year cycle (abusive) of continuously struggling with a group of people who were not able to see me or value me. I left the group three times, and went back three times. It took me FIVE years to figure out what needed to change was ME. There wasn't anything bad or wrong about them, they just couldn't see me or value me. It was a very long and painful five years of learning it just wasn't a healthy place for me to be in. Within a year of clearing that energy out of my life, I've cleaned me up enough and have found a group situation that is truly wonderful for me.

Keep up the good work, Jacob. Unfortunately, for me, growth is generally accompanied by growing pains.

Sending you love and support.

Don