Always being in conflict about being touched and touching and sexualizing it
I wasn't touched or held or given physical affection. When I was abused/molested, I was touched and it "felt good". I needed to be touched and held because I am a human being and that's part of my makeup. But my boy brain mistook this sexual touch as the only affirming, feel good touch that I would ever get and I ended up seeking more of it in secret. I didn't know that's what I was doing consciously but looking back I can see that wires got severely crossed and I ended up being compelled to seek it. For me, the sexual feelings and touch felt so good and again, they are designed that way, and I was hooked. But I was ashamed, I was doing something wrong, I hid it, I managed a different image up front but I also guarded my secret because it was a place where I got "attention" and "affection". I didn't get any attention or affection at home and that yawning gap was filled in by adult men. I am still ashamed to be writing that but I am getting more comfortable with shame and not denying it or avoiding it. I'm allowing it out.
I want to keep the focus on touch avoidance and shame and how it affected me. I missed out on all formative relationships from high school on since I was secretly seeking touch through sexual acting out (reenactment). The crazy thing is that I would find strangers and jump right into sexual acting out but around family, friends, peers, it was like my skin was electric and you couldn't touch me. I was afraid I would be sexual if people touched me. I was afraid that I would turn any touch into instant sexual behavior of that might be what people wanted. I mean I was afraid of that happening with anyone including family. The only real "feel good" touch that I received was sexual and it was like nothing else and it overwhelmed me, empowered me and activated me. It was as if I didn't need my family or friends at all since I could secretly go find this source of "attention" and "affection" and not have to deal with the regular ways to get that met (which I didn't even really know existed. I didn't know people touched each other in good, positive ways.) I festered in that closed loop of secretly seeking attention and affection (not knowing how empty and abusive it was) and acting like I didn't need anyone else's attention and affection.
I went to sex addicts groups and thought that would solve it but it didn't because I was sexually abused and still in conflict about touch. I wasn't able to acknowledge unmet needs and wants and that I was still afraid of love and affection (I guess feeling unworthy, dirty) and still sexualizing every touch and still seeking that sexualized attention and affection. I am doing a lot of work now and talking about things more with other survivors (and others) and accepting my story as it is. I am in pretty much constant psychic pain right now. Overnight, I was just very aware of how much touch and REAL affection and REAL attention and love that I missed out on - giving and receiving and just being a part of. I see how my family of origin dynamics led to my availability for abuse and preponderance toward mistaking sexual touch for good touch. Every day feels like a new bottom. I am very lonely and very isolated (which I tolerate and am taking actions to change slowly) and I've been "blaming" myself but I'm starting face how and why I got here. I'm facing a lot of shame about the state of my life. I didn't know until now that I was ashamed of virtually everything including my needs for touch and affection. I do need them even now and it's like learning a new language to separate out sexual touch from other forms of touch. I realize how much touch I missed out on, how much intimacy, how much I always had one foot out the door, how much I was always on edge and hypervigilant to touch and to be intimate and loving, touch is part of that.
I'm just writing this to be honest about my shame and accept it. So much shame is in here and I am grieving.
Edit: TL DR - I have issues around touch and the sexualization of it and acting out and then going into avoidance of ALL touch.
Also, I put this in this forum because of the underlying dynamics. I wanted to be wanted by a man - my father. He didn't seem to want me. But I needed and wanted to be valued by a man. I was seeking that attention and affection. I was sexually molested when I was seeking exactly that attention and affection and since I was a "participant" in the sexualization of me, I thought I must have been seeking that kind of touch, attention and affection and therefore spent much of my life thinking that I was gay and having no place to work it out. I was ashamed, overwhelmed, perplexed, guilty but also I felt like I was "attractive", had worth and value, that I was seen. I didn't know that my youth and innocence and hunger for touch, attention and affection were what these men valued. But that way of being "valued" took on a separate life that I didn't tell anyone about. I ended up seeking most of my value in that secret world. And here I am writing about it.
I want to keep the focus on touch avoidance and shame and how it affected me. I missed out on all formative relationships from high school on since I was secretly seeking touch through sexual acting out (reenactment). The crazy thing is that I would find strangers and jump right into sexual acting out but around family, friends, peers, it was like my skin was electric and you couldn't touch me. I was afraid I would be sexual if people touched me. I was afraid that I would turn any touch into instant sexual behavior of that might be what people wanted. I mean I was afraid of that happening with anyone including family. The only real "feel good" touch that I received was sexual and it was like nothing else and it overwhelmed me, empowered me and activated me. It was as if I didn't need my family or friends at all since I could secretly go find this source of "attention" and "affection" and not have to deal with the regular ways to get that met (which I didn't even really know existed. I didn't know people touched each other in good, positive ways.) I festered in that closed loop of secretly seeking attention and affection (not knowing how empty and abusive it was) and acting like I didn't need anyone else's attention and affection.
I went to sex addicts groups and thought that would solve it but it didn't because I was sexually abused and still in conflict about touch. I wasn't able to acknowledge unmet needs and wants and that I was still afraid of love and affection (I guess feeling unworthy, dirty) and still sexualizing every touch and still seeking that sexualized attention and affection. I am doing a lot of work now and talking about things more with other survivors (and others) and accepting my story as it is. I am in pretty much constant psychic pain right now. Overnight, I was just very aware of how much touch and REAL affection and REAL attention and love that I missed out on - giving and receiving and just being a part of. I see how my family of origin dynamics led to my availability for abuse and preponderance toward mistaking sexual touch for good touch. Every day feels like a new bottom. I am very lonely and very isolated (which I tolerate and am taking actions to change slowly) and I've been "blaming" myself but I'm starting face how and why I got here. I'm facing a lot of shame about the state of my life. I didn't know until now that I was ashamed of virtually everything including my needs for touch and affection. I do need them even now and it's like learning a new language to separate out sexual touch from other forms of touch. I realize how much touch I missed out on, how much intimacy, how much I always had one foot out the door, how much I was always on edge and hypervigilant to touch and to be intimate and loving, touch is part of that.
I'm just writing this to be honest about my shame and accept it. So much shame is in here and I am grieving.
Edit: TL DR - I have issues around touch and the sexualization of it and acting out and then going into avoidance of ALL touch.
Also, I put this in this forum because of the underlying dynamics. I wanted to be wanted by a man - my father. He didn't seem to want me. But I needed and wanted to be valued by a man. I was seeking that attention and affection. I was sexually molested when I was seeking exactly that attention and affection and since I was a "participant" in the sexualization of me, I thought I must have been seeking that kind of touch, attention and affection and therefore spent much of my life thinking that I was gay and having no place to work it out. I was ashamed, overwhelmed, perplexed, guilty but also I felt like I was "attractive", had worth and value, that I was seen. I didn't know that my youth and innocence and hunger for touch, attention and affection were what these men valued. But that way of being "valued" took on a separate life that I didn't tell anyone about. I ended up seeking most of my value in that secret world. And here I am writing about it.
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