Altered perception?

Altered perception?
L

Leosha

Registrant
I have said before, and believed, that I want to become the man I was meant to be. But now I start to think. Maybe that is who I am now? Maybe this is 'as good as it gets'? So, assuming that, how do you find happiness with the person you are not yet happy with? Do you alter your perceptions, of happiness and reality? Or do you remain miserable with yourself, bitter, wishing things had not happened, and that you would already be who you are supposed to be? I think maybe it is I am lucky. I do not have very firm grasp of reality anyway! ;) So perhaps is easier for me to alter it!

I have been in this country just almost 6 years now (will be this month). I know that I have not only grown up, as from child to man. But also, into dropping some of the more negative coping things I had done (oh, so you really aren't a jackass?? lol). I still am not perfect. I still do negative things sometime. I drink too much still (none in 2 months though). I push people away still. I judge myself badly still. I vary between obsessive-compulsive and exceptionally lazy! I am still smart ass to some people, when I feel they deserve it (or I know they will take it from me, right David?? ;) ) I am still annoyed by some people, whether they deserve it or not. I fart and blame my dog. I am paranoid, childish, and overall, quite crazy at times.

And through it all...I am still better then them!

Just me thinking. I will try to stop it now!

Leosha
 
Leosha, this is a good thread to start. For some of us, there are a lot of things that cannot be changed--e.g., none of us can become 10 years old and live a totally different life. Accepting things as simple as that has given me some peace--but I reserve the right to gripe about it anyway.

So often, we see ourselves in a way that is completely different than how others see us. Seldom do we see ourselves in a better light. We are usually negative. I think that comes from the lies we were told again and again. but, if we can see those things as lies then we can honestly see who we really are.

I think it makes a lot of difference if a person has some sort of spiritual basis or not. So many things flow from whether or not we believe in a Higher Power who is a benevolent Power in our lives.

Recently a friend pointed out a fault I have. She simply pointed out that I discount the positive things people say about me. She let me know that to do that is a put them and their idea down. She asked why can't I just graciously thank them for the compliment. I don't know why I do that. but now I can be alert to my doing that and try to change. But I think we have to know that the person who chooses to point out our faults truly loves us and is not just trying to change us or even hurt us.

At times I think many of us have an image of who and what we think we should be, that is unreal. We are human. All humans have limitations. We have been profoundly harmed--so we may have more limits in some ways than others--but we also have a whole lot of courage and fight and determination. We are usually very honest in accepting our problems--other people would totlaly fall apart if they thought they had the slightest flaw.

I am begining to have a more modest idea of what the perfect male would be like--not a cynical lessening, rather an acceptance that there is a lot of good in just trying to be a decent person who others can trust. Fidelity is important to me in people. Fake, phony people who say one thing and do another, have the biggest hurdle to jump before they can begin to be real.

Maybe you would like a book that is written for adults but looks like a kids book. The name is The Velveteen Rabbit. It is worth reading and thinking about. I think it tells me a lot about who I hope to someday be.

Peace to you friend.

Bob
 
OK, I have such a "butter fingers" grasp on reality that it's only fair to admit that right up front before I begin ranting. So, I admit it. And I think it's a good idea to blame the dog (or cat, or rabbit, or snake...) if you can pull it off. :D

The man I was meant to be. Hmmm. Well, I'm not going to go straight from high school to college. I'm not even going to graduate high school. Bob's right, none of us can rewind the clock and set things right.

Lately it occurs to me that the man I am meant to be is still in the making. I am a husband, occasionally a good one. (She's registered but she doesn't post, so you'll have to take my word for it!) That does not define me, though. It doesn't even define who I am in our marriage, because my wife and our marriage continue to grow and evolve. So the man I was meant to be is still in the making there.

I am father to three great kids. I am not the same father to the 4 year old boy that I was to the 12 year old boy when he was 4. Good thing, too, and I don't mean just because I have done some healing. It's because they are different people, and they need and want different things from their father. Their sister is different from each of them, and like each of them in some ways. She has still another set of needs and wants from her father.

And all of them are changing, day by day. So the man I am meant to be is not set in stone there, either.

Still, I have some less formal roles outside the family. I have you, my friends, in my life. Sometimes I have found that you need to hear from someone about how much you have changed and grown just in the short time I have known you. Since you keep growing, what you will need from your friend will change, too. The man I was meant to be, as the friend that I try to be, is not a constant thing in this area, either.

I will be the man I was meant to be when I am gone, and the people who I leave behind are glad for having known me. If I can do that, then I will not have failed to be the man I was meant to be. The man I was meant to be is the man who will work toward that goal.

Thanks for being the folks you're meant to be.

Joe
 
At any given point in time, you are whoever you are. If you do not like that, you have the ability to change that for yourself and for your future. Only you can do that. It takes time and effort.
 
leosha,
you post some very provocative thoughts, my friend. do we alter our perceptions? accept that this is the best it will get? i think those were more rhetorical and that you were advocating your newly discovered self that you have always been. i think that is what we do. i hate the "one-day-at-a-time" schtick, avoid it like the plague...but we learn, and we adapt.

one thing that has deeply troubled me has been my struggle in understanding sexual boundaries. i have gone the route from thinking i was just like the ones who harmed us, though i never did anything like that, to thinking that i must be some kind of nut or addict. in therapy last week something happened to turn that around. i have struggled with this subject for so long because it is part of the core of the abuse. the insight from the therapy was that i struggle with this so much because i have never learned how to establish and discern boundaries. in other words, i have to learn how to walk, so to speak.

this is relevant because it shows that in a way, i was the man i always wanted to be, but i could not see it. i thought i was a perv, or at least a jerk, but it turns out i am learning how to be a human being who can accept sexuality without the stigma. this sounds kind of stupid to me, but i think you all understand.

the bottom line is that i think we are the men we wanted to be...it just takes us time to discover what is already there because we have to work through the crap. i am still responsible for my choices, but i can hold my head up a little know because i can see that i am learning, not just reacting to the programing of the abuse. some of what i am learning is disturbing, but it is not a part of the man i am, it is the lies of the past, and that is what we work through to discover who we have always been. enough, i am being repetitious. take care, all, and thanks, leo, for another profound post.
 
Wow what a thread.

From the earliest age until I was say 58 (two years into therapy) I was whoever someone wanted me to be. I was like a chamellion. Part of the reasons for this is that I hated whatever it was that I truly was and I could hide in the persona of the moment. There are times in my life I regret, times in my life I am terrified of and times in my life I actually made the right decisions for the wrong reasons. Can I change anything. Well yes and no. The reality of anything definitely not. My perceptions and beliefs around those realities; most definitely.
Who am I now. I do not have a clue. Will I continue to change; I really hope so. I have warts and faults and things about me that can be obnoxious to some. But what really matters in all of this is that I can now say that whatever I am I am learning to be comfortable with. My sense of self worth and respect dont have a lot of mud or footprints all over them. Am I all that I can be. I doubt it. Will I get there. I dont know. But wherever I get to it will be due in large part because of all my brothers here. It is with your help that I have been able to realize that who I am is really more about who can relate to me and not perceive me as an actor in a bad play. Am I making sense. I dont really care if I am or not. It is how I feel and to me that is really important.

Now am I crazy. Most definitely. Hell I could not cope if I wasn't. But that is ok. Knowing it is better than believing the other way.

My brothers, thank you for being who you are and accepting me as I am.
 
During my thirty odd years of addictions I could be whoever I wanted to be (and invaribly did), I never wanted to be me, Archnut. I always wanted to be somebody or be somewhere else. My drinking was so damaging that I viewed life with a very warped perspective and still do.

I find it extremely hard to trust people and if they are helpful I want to know what they want from me and I cannot understand why anyone would stay with me.

The only time I feel anywhere near normal(whatever that is) or emotionally safe is when I am with my grandchildren. They are too young to be judgemental and I'm my biggest critic pay me a compliment and I will freeze.

I used to be a very good chef but I would dwell on the one meal that came back and not on the success of the other ninety nine, I always take the negative. Im also an excellent archaeological excavator but just you try to find employment with the mental health record I have.

No one wants to employ a "nutter" my word not somebody else's. And I hate labels. I must be mad otherwise I wouldnt consider jepodising my relationships with my family for just a lousey drink or is that yet another cop out?

Thanks for letting me rant

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
 
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