Alpha Males

Alpha Males
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New to this

Registrant
I spent a lot of time thinking about my abuse and why it happened, or more specifically why I didn't stop it. I used the excuse that my perp was bigger than I was, when in reality he was no bigger. That was easier to accept than the fact that I submitted to someone more dominant.

I started thinking about wolves and how they behave. The alpha male and female are the dominant wolves. Only they breed. The rest roll over on their backs in the presence of the dominant wolves. The alpha male asserts his dominance by urinating on the submissive males.

That's how I feel about my abuse--I rolled over and let him piss on me.

I was accustomed to being bullied, and my abuse was just sexual bullying. I know why I reacted so strongly to being bullied after my abuse. The first time someone tried to bully me after my abuse I reacted differently. The boy that was going to bully me elbowed me as he past my desk. I jumped up and got in his face and stared him down. I ended the physical bullying and submitting then, but not the emotional part(that took 28 years to get over).
I didn't know any better and spent 28 years being submissive. I couldn't look another man in the eyes, speak with any confidence or assert myself in any way. I got so used to rolling over and being pissed on that I accepted it as my lot in life.

Coming to terms with my abuse has finally let me get over that. I haven't gone out and marked off any territority, but I can hold my own in the company of men. I'm no longer ashamed of who I am. After dealing with my SA, I can face anything.
 
Isn't that a great feeling New To This ?

GO OUT AND MARK SOME TERRITORY... RECLAIM IT !!

Lloydy :D
 
:cool:
Hi friend!

Well, I am glad I read to the end of your post. You are really hard on yourself. But you end up owning your strength and healthy manliness.

No matter what you size and your perps, there was a power that he had that caused you to feel unable to do differently. You did not roll over like an inferior man, my friend. You say that now in anger, but I hope you know it is not true. You are and were an Alpha. It is just that you came up against a monster.

I was raped for three or more years. I was probably a teen of 14 or 15 when it ended. Some tell me I could have stopped it if I wanted to. That is not true. There were circumstances that would have made it almost certain death had I tried to stop it. I got to go to a boarding school out of town for my last two years of high school. That is what stopped it for me. Perhaps I would have eventually fought him, but he was a powerfully built man and I suspect I would have lost--and if I had I would have wound up floating dead in a river.

No matter what the situation was with you, in some way you felt overpowered. You were not a wuss. Be kinder to yourself friend! Vent to us if you need to, but when you talk to yourself, give yourself credit for being a survivor.

Bob
 
Wow thats a metaphor that brings out some interesting thots & feelings & insights! Thanks for that, New!

God knows I've felt like that too, many times! But we didn't just roll over & let those damn monster wolves piss on us. They were bigger, if not in body then in authority, emotional power, influence or whatever. They rolled us over & pissed on us. We had no choice, and it was not our fault.

I too rolled over for a long time. To women & men, in different ways. Recovering memories & starting recovery, about a year ago, is making a difference. I'm holding my own too.

But hey, brother wolf, let's find some territories to mark as Lloydy said, huh?

For me, I see it this way: rolling over & getting pissed on by more powerful wolves, that was being a victim; I couldnt help it. Holding my own amongst the wolves, that's surviving. But telling the bully wolves go piss on yourself, and going out and marking my own territory, that's thriving! That's going out and howling at the moon from my own mountain!

OOOWWWWWOOOOOOHHHH! I'm looking for some territory to mark!...

Wuame
 
Thanks for input. Those are 3 very different responses.

Bob, I wasn't really being hard on myself--just honest. This has been a time of growth & understanding for me. Knowing that I was big enough to have stopped it doesn't mean that I could have.

I've always felt inferior to other men and never knew why until I remmbered the abuse.

I know of several others here who are still rolling over. It's something we haven't talked about, but it explains alot of my frustration.

Wuame,
OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH
 
More thought on this.

I didn't let anyone abuse me physically after my SA, but the emotional abuse continued. I would still roll over and get pissed on. I would not stand up for myself. That has lead to my dependence on my family. I never could find the strength to make it own my own. I was always scared.

Dealing with the SA has let me overcome that. I haven't become agressive or risen to "road rage", but now I don't feel like I'm in the way if I get on the interstate. I'll pull out in traffic when it's safe--not when its convienent for the other drivers.

Small changes--major impacts. Life is good.
 
New:

"Road Rage." Interesting you bring that up, in light of Mark's metaphor about "hauling ass down the road to recovery" (I love it!)in the thread "Need Help (New Member)."

Also very fitting for me becuz its a problem I've had, and another aspect of what is a very appropriate metaphor for my own recovery.

My problem has not been feeling like I'm in the way on the highway. Or maybe it has, but I've just been dealing with that feeling differently.

My tendency has always been toward rather aggressive driving, probably as a way of trying to feel in control of a life otherwise so out of control. I suspect this is where a lot of road rage comes from, and I know mine did. It's like I've been striking back at my abusers and at the whole world. (No excuses, just facts).

After all, take away major vehicle size differences, and an automobile seems like "the great equalizer." Unfortunately this is in part becuz it dehumanizes the highway, and makes everybody just a bunch of impersoanal vehicles. That of course makes it easier to show less courtesy & compassion on the highway, and to be more self-centered & aggressive.

Yet, tho from the opposite direction, dealing with my SA has also helped me overcome the manifestations of my abuse in my driving. I don't have road rage anymore, I drive less aggressively
I'm not in such a rush, I'm more relaxed. Still got a long way to go, but much better. I've gotta be becuz even my wife thinks so!

So good for you, and good for both of us, New!

As you can tell, this whole matter of driving is a big issue for me, and seems to be somewhat of a barometer of & metaphor for my life & especially my recovery.

So, tho you may regret it now after inspiring that dissertation on road rage ;) , thanks for sharing this.

In fact, you've inspired me enuf that I think I've got a new thread in the works on road rage on recovery road. Oh my, what have you done?! :eek:

Take Care New :)

Wuame
 
Wuame,
Its interesting how differently we have reacted. We seem to have been at opposite extremes on the aggressive driving.

Were you ever suicidal?
Several of us on the non-aggressive side have had suicidal tendencies. I'm just wondering if there is a connection.

Devon
 
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