alone once again

[thecoopstah]

I'm sure we've heard it all before "be careful what you ask for you just might get it"....I have posted a shitload of posts lately and i am so conflicted as to who i want or what i want...Today was not a good day at all and after being in a relationship for about a month i reached my breaking point,i pushed away another person who truly cares for me.I feel guilty as though i have done something wrong and i haven't and the only thing i keep coming up with is why the abuse and truama i went through have to be so parylizing at times almost to the point i want to hurt myself or someone else or both.I am at my wits end ...i am now convinced i will always be alone and honestly i am playing the victim and could really care less if i come out of it....because playing the victim allows me to wallow in my shit and not have to take responsibility for my behavior and how i treat myself....who knows if i will ever not be alone and always so terrified of letting anyone at all .."IN"....Coop

 

[endlessjourney]

I know one thing, I know that you are a great person regardless of what happens in your relationship. It is not your fault that you have these issues, but you as a person can beat those issues. I felt the guilt of pushing someone away. That feeling lasted for years and I still hurt thinking of some of the women I pushed away like I was some big a22hole or something. I just didn't know how to deal with it. I was fighting a battle with a bag over my head. I just hope that the truth will come out some day. I will go out on a limb on this one but I feel these painful lessons we are learning are bringing us one step closer to recovery. yea, its a wonderful thought thinking that we'll recover as CSA survivors. However, what about our relationships, what about being loved and having some intimacy in our lives. Recovering is not enough. We want to go on living our lives being able to have a loving relationship like everyone else. Well, we are not everyone else. There is a time to be proud of who we are, and there is a time to cry because of the losses we have endured. Relationships seem to be the most painful experiences out of them all. That challenge is put there for a reason. Do we give up and shut ourselves down, or do we try again. I know I will. How about you?

Much love,
Jason

 

[markgreyblue]

coopstah - maybe if it's not a perfect - i want this -

maybe be a little bit pragmatic -

for me - i know that -

i need to do that -

really balance pros and cons and choices -

it's painful and difficult -

but in the end of it - after that kind of work it's becoming easier on a level - to be happier about my choices - since -

i know - they are the ones - that i can really feel - ok with -

like the one's that are based on not a 'supposed to' but a this feels the best -
and or - this on a general balanced picture view -

is taking care of me - best -

you know? - taking care of me best that i like -

so - what ever gives to you coopstah -

go for that -

i hope there is something in here that you can use.

peace - and keep goin'

mark

 

[Hauser]

Wow, I would like to know how you even meet someone that you find attractive. You've accomplished more than I have already.

A good guy on this DB, said something to me about this very same subject and I thought I might bring it up with you because it might apply to you as well.

Shame. Shame has manifested itself in his life in the form of self-sabatoge. He pushes away women that get close to him too. That is how it effects him. My shame (I think?) has kept me from achieving what I see so many normal people take for granted: Careers, intimacy, children, etc.

Coop, I don't know your story but maybe this is what is keeping you have having a healthy relationship. Perhaps you should look for a concrete reason for pushing them away. It sure seems that you would rather have intimacy and love in your life.