Alone, Lonely, Depressed...HELP!

Hi. I am a survivor of sexual, physical, emotional and psychological abuse...and I am now trying to finally break through my intense fears of emotional intimacy, but with little success. Instead, I keep turning to casual sex with guys and isolating myself from women, as well as healthy friendships, fun activities, etc. I was abused sexually by my older brother and my dad, and also by my mom. I am divorced and want to find a woman who can understand me, support me, love me, be my best friend, etc...but I can't seem to move forward.

I am lonely, sad, and need support, please...thanks!

[ 06-29-2001: Message edited by: LanceC ]

 

[SoCalJohn]

Lance,

Welcome, this is a good place to talk about stuff, sorry you need to be here but glad you are, welcome!

John

 

[Brian B14]

Hi Lance,

You have come to the right place. You have friends here who feel (or have felt) the same way you do.

I too have the ultimate goal of finding someone to share my life with (my fiancee and I just broke up 2 weeks ago). I know I am not ready to jump into a new relationship right now. I will use the next several months to work on building a relationship with myself. I truely believe that is where all healthy relationships must begin.

I wish you the best. Its hard work, but if we don't decide to do it for ourselves, it won't get done. Be good to yourself!!

I look forward to reading more of your posts,

Brian

 

[michael Joseph]

believe me you are not alone, I was divorced and now I am remarried to another women. I still have problems. Time has helped some what. Life is a bunch of ups and downs.
Hope I caught you during one of your ups.

 

Originally posted by SoCalJohn:
Lance,

Welcome, this is a good place to talk about stuff, sorry you need to be here but glad you are, welcome!

John

Thanks, John! I AM glad to be here. It is always helpful to find other survivors and to offer each other support.

Thanks again.

Lance

 

Originally posted by billy mills:
Lance,
Welcome to this place in cyber world.I also was abused by my father and it happened over a period of years.My father took advantage of me twice and I feel as if partly i was to blame for some of it.I am sorry to hear that you were abused by the entire family that hurts i know.My brother and my sister were also abused by my father so i have residual effects from this as well.Hope you will keep posting it helps.I was abused sexually and physically and also mentally so needless to say i am dealing with a table full.Good luck and you have others here that can relate and are willing to help.You took the first step in reaching out for help that took courage to admit you need help.We are all here to help each other.You have friends here and we are all survivors one way or another and we all payed the admission to be here which is unfortunate but we survivors need to stick together.

Thanks for your support, Billy! I feel for you and your journey, too. I hope we can help each other in our recovery. Indeed, we survivors need to help one another.

thanks, again.

Lance

 

Originally posted by Brian B14:
Hi Lance,

You have come to the right place. You have friends here who feel (or have felt) the same way you do.

I too have the ultimate goal of finding someone to share my life with (my fiancee and I just broke up 2 weeks ago). I know I am not ready to jump into a new relationship right now. I will use the next several months to work on building a relationship with myself. I truely believe that is where all healthy relationships must begin.

I wish you the best. Its hard work, but if we don't decide to do it for ourselves, it won't get done. Be good to yourself!!

I look forward to reading more of your posts,

Brian

Hi, Brian, and thanks for your good wishes and heartfelt support...both really help. I am glad that I came back here and look forward to joining you and the rest of us survivors in sharing the recovery journey.

thanks again!

Lance

 

[abcd]

Hey "LanceC"!

I haven't been to this board in a while, but I do believe that the people here are pretty caring. I'm a little younger here than most, but we're all in the same boat, and many are very understanding of each other's background/age/beliefs. This forum has been very nice--even just to know that you're not alone. As always days can be very tough and it is frustrating sometimes to see how much the abuse has affected me, but I am hanging in there. I do believe strongly that somehow this negative can be turned into a positive. One thing I've learned along the way is just to never give up and keep myself focused. Somehow, I think that we all have to make some sort of goal--whatever it may be--for ourselves. Our conscience knows when we do something like just sulk and sulk (don't get me wrong, there is certainly a time for that, but I think, at least for me, I can do that a little too much). I don't mean to sound like one of those cheesy self-help tapes ) Seriously though, I know I think what I want to be--I know what the abuse has kind of done to me and I know whom I want to be. I try to live that life. Yeah, it's tough and I constantly "mess up." Sometimes, it does feel kinda weird, but I try not to get too self-conscious and believe in myself. After all, we've all survived what we've been through, we can go the next step. Take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Neil]

Lance...... First let me say welcome. I'm glad you found your way here and I hope you find this a safe place to share. My abuse was somewhat different than yours (minister of music in the church I attended as a child) but the results were the same. When it came right down to it I wouldn't allow other people to get too close (love) me because of the way I felt about myself. I felt dirty and carried a lot of shame and was afraid if I let them too close they would see the real me. I had to learn to love myself and understand I was a good person before I could allow anyone else to love me. That came through therapy and a survivor's men's group that I attended once a week. It didn't come overnight but I now feel a freedom that's just incredible. It's a freedom to love but also a freedom to receive love. It's a great feeling to be able to open up to the people I care most about (my wife especially) and know that those people will still love me and not see me as ugly (on the inside). But that really came when I stopped viewing myself as ugly. I don't have all the answers but I do know that you need to try and love (or forgive, whichever applys) yourself in order to let someone else love you. Just wanted you to know what worked for me. Good luck in your journey and take special care of yourself.

 

Originally posted by abcd:
Hey "LanceC"!

I haven't been to this board in a while, but I do believe that the people here are pretty caring. I'm a little younger here than most, but we're all in the same boat, and many are very understanding of each other's background/age/beliefs. This forum has been very nice--even just to know that you're not alone. As always days can be very tough and it is frustrating sometimes to see how much the abuse has affected me, but I am hanging in there. I do believe strongly that somehow this negative can be turned into a positive. One thing I've learned along the way is just to never give up and keep myself focused. Somehow, I think that we all have to make some sort of goal--whatever it may be--for ourselves. Our conscience knows when we do something like just sulk and sulk (don't get me wrong, there is certainly a time for that, but I think, at least for me, I can do that a little too much). I don't mean to sound like one of those cheesy self-help tapes ) Seriously though, I know I think what I want to be--I know what the abuse has kind of done to me and I know whom I want to be. I try to live that life. Yeah, it's tough and I constantly "mess up." Sometimes, it does feel kinda weird, but I try not to get too self-conscious and believe in myself. After all, we've all survived what we've been through, we can go the next step. Take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. Welcome to the forum.

Thank you so much, abcd. It is so nice to know that you are here to offer support and share your insights. You and the others here have reminded me that it is real important that i stay connected to other survivors and continue to learn form their experience, too...thank you!

Lance

 

Originally posted by Neil:
Lance...... First let me say welcome. I'm glad you found your way here and I hope you find this a safe place to share. My abuse was somewhat different than yours (minister of music in the church I attended as a child) but the results were the same. When it came right down to it I wouldn't allow other people to get too close (love) me because of the way I felt about myself. I felt dirty and carried a lot of shame and was afraid if I let them too close they would see the real me. I had to learn to love myself and understand I was a good person before I could allow anyone else to love me. That came through therapy and a survivor's men's group that I attended once a week. It didn't come overnight but I now feel a freedom that's just incredible. It's a freedom to love but also a freedom to receive love. It's a great feeling to be able to open up to the people I care most about (my wife especially) and know that those people will still love me and not see me as ugly (on the inside). But that really came when I stopped viewing myself as ugly. I don't have all the answers but I do know that you need to try and love (or forgive, whichever applys) yourself in order to let someone else love you. Just wanted you to know what worked for me. Good luck in your journey and take special care of yourself.

Wow! Your description of feeling ugly, hiding, etc. is exactly how I have felt. I , too, went through therapy and got support at a mixed SIA meeting here that, unfortunately, disbanded about 4 years ago. I've learned the same lessons you describe, but i now am reminded so clearly that i really need to stay connected to other surviofors so that i remember the lessons and keep moving forward. Thank you, Neil.

Lance

 

Lance,
you have taken your first step to healing and I am so happy that you have found this website.

You are not alone. Remember that. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can always come here.

When I was in your position a few years ago I stumbled across a channel on IRC called #Survivors. I didn't even know that this website existed untill I signed up a few weeks ago. On the channel I found a lot of support that I was in desperate need of and found true friends that I could always turn to in times of need. I have now been on the channel for over 3 years now and must say that it was the right thing to do. Without all the support I have got from my web friends I would not be here today.

I know the feelings of being alone, depression (I know all too well about that that's for sure) and having suffered a nervous breakdown I was on anti depressants for some time but thankfully through support, determination and just healing I am off them now.

If you ever need to talk then just call on icq.

Regards

Ingwa

 

Originally posted by Ingwa:
Lance,
you have taken your first step to healing and I am so happy that you have found this website.

You are not alone. Remember that. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can always come here.

When I was in your position a few years ago I stumbled across a channel on IRC called #Survivors. I didn't even know that this website existed untill I signed up a few weeks ago. On the channel I found a lot of support that I was in desperate need of and found true friends that I could always turn to in times of need. I have now been on the channel for over 3 years now and must say that it was the right thing to do. Without all the support I have got from my web friends I would not be here today.

I know the feelings of being alone, depression (I know all too well about that that's for sure) and having suffered a nervous breakdown I was on anti depressants for some time but thankfully through support, determination and just healing I am off them now.

If you ever need to talk then just call on icq.

Regards

Ingwa

Thank you so much, ingwa. I have noted the information about IRC and plan to explore that, as well. I know that I am in pain right now and need help, and I hope to keep reaching out for support in every way I can. I also hope that I can be of helpo to others in their time of need. I have about 14 years of recovery under my belt, and I know I can get through this rough time as I have gotten through others. I also know that one reason I am having a rough time now is taht I lost my supports here in Cleveland and have been without them for about 5-6 years now. Reconnecting to other survivors is probably the best thing I can do.

Thanks again, ingwa. Hope you have a good 4th of July!

Lance

 

Welcome to NOMSV. I am hopeful that you will find a great amount of support here. The people who participate here are a wonderful group and I have found this to be a place of comfort for me.

I hope that it is the same for you.

Peace,

Jim

 

[bosishere]

Lance, welcome. You say you are have some rough times right now, me too. I always think of me as a little boy when I was abused in a hospital, couldn't walk, and had to lay on my stomach or back for three (3) years. I am now 57 and I do not know why I keep going back to then, and when I didn't see my daddy for three years. Ingwa, what is ICQ you tell Lance about? Lance, I wish none of us were here, but such is life. again, welcome. bye bosishere aka Michael

 

[goflyakiteV]

YEAH, WELCOME LANCE.

GETTING TO THE POINT OF WHAT IS BOTHERING US AND HOW WE CAN CHANGE IS DIFFICULT. WE ALL GO THROUGH IT. THAT'S WHY WE COME HERE, TO CRY, VENT, GET ANGRY, ASK QUESTIONS, AND TO GET SUPPORT!

I'M 53 AND JUST HAD SOME FLASHBACKS FROM WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD, WITH MY NEIGHBOR ACCROSS THE STREET! AGAIN, I AM HORRIFIED BY THE PAST. I'LL GET OVER IT, YOU WILL TOO!

TALK ABOUT IT AND GET COUNCILING, IT HELPS, PEACE TO YOU EACH NIGHT, SCOT

 

Originally posted by Jim:
Welcome to NOMSV. I am hopeful that you will find a great amount of support here. The people who participate here are a wonderful group and I have found this to be a place of comfort for me.

I hope that it is the same for you.

Peace,

Jim

Thank you, Jim, for wlecoming me so warmly.

Lance

 

Originally posted by bosishere:
Lance, welcome. You say you are have some rough times right now, me too. I always think of me as a little boy when I was abused in a hospital, couldn't walk, and had to lay on my stomach or back for three (3) years. I am now 57 and I do not know why I keep going back to then, and when I didn't see my daddy for three years. Ingwa, what is ICQ you tell Lance about? Lance, I wish none of us were here, but such is life. again, welcome. bye bosishere aka Michael

Thank you, Michael! I, too, wish none of us had to be here, but I am sure glad that we're all here to help one another!

Lance

 

Originally posted by goflyakiteV:
YEAH, WELCOME LANCE.

GETTING TO THE POINT OF WHAT IS BOTHERING US AND HOW WE CAN CHANGE IS DIFFICULT. WE ALL GO THROUGH IT. THAT'S WHY WE COME HERE, TO CRY, VENT, GET ANGRY, ASK QUESTIONS, AND TO GET SUPPORT!

I'M 53 AND JUST HAD SOME FLASHBACKS FROM WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD, WITH MY NEIGHBOR ACCROSS THE STREET! AGAIN, I AM HORRIFIED BY THE PAST. I'LL GET OVER IT, YOU WILL TOO!

TALK ABOUT IT AND GET COUNCILING, IT HELPS, PEACE TO YOU EACH NIGHT, SCOT

Than you, Scoot, for you confidence, sharing and support. It helps me a lot.

Lance