Alone in my mind

Alone in my mind
R

reality2k4

Registrant
How could they ever leave me to be left in a mind that was troubled by SA?

It is not a question, more of an expletive remark that needs no answer.
How could they leave a little boy to just "get over it", "forget about it".

How could society be so callous to let a little boy go through so much and leave him in a life that was so terribly difficult for him to unerstand!

How is he supposed to get through trauma?

Triggers.

How is he supposed to get through a sexual act that hurt him deep with the threat of being snuffed out!

He relates to sex as hurt, so he hurts himself in acting out, instead of acting it out on anybody else!

Why did little ste have to suffer so much trauma, living in a family that denied his suffering, but rather added to it.

Why did he have to fight so much when he was so young to not be locked away as a uncontrollable child.

It was because his family did not really know his hurt then, but was it his fault, I guess not.

I was thinking one morning after being late for school one morning just pleading with mom and dad that I would not soil the bed.

I kept that promise by staying awake at night.
They threatened to have me taken away, for what!
Being abused!
I should not have had all those responsibilities at 11yo.

I was so terrified of soiling my bed 'again', that I steyed awake until dawn, then fell hopelessly asleep, as I could not do it no more.

I woke up to find the bed soaked with urine.
I just guessed my dad and mom would play the take him away game.

I told my dad and mom that I stayed awake to not soil the bed, but must have done it when I slept.
The real reason was, that I was terrified to go to the toilet.

This was such a crucial time in my life when my parents accepted that I did not purposely do it.
I thought! How can my mom and dad not know how much I was hurt, but I guess it is the same today.

I have to finish this thread,

ste
 
Ste,

These are terrible things you had to endure, and to suffer them at the hands of an uncaring unaware family must hurt even more.

Little Ste has a lot to recover from. I hope you keep telling him he is loved and safe now. All that is over and it can't hurt him any longer.

Much love,
Larry
 
Ste,

All I can say is that being stuffed inside of your own mind is horrible. Being tortured internally can cause young children run from reality. What child wouldn't stay up all night with a threat like that. Little Ste was stuck between a rock and a hard place as to which it was the parent's responsibility to get him out of. It's hard to believe how parent's can be so niave about the suffering of their children.

Ste, that took a lot to write that, and I'm damn proud to have you on my side. Not to mention relieved. Remember that little Ste is not only protected by you, but, somehow, is protected by all of us who choose to stick together and put an end to the horrible past. Were all in this together. My tears are proving it right now as they fall on my keyboard.
 
My mother used the fear of my father to control us, Dont do this or your dad will get angry, soon we started withdrawing from him and remain scared of him, and did just as she said.
Yes my dad had a bad temper, but it was she who eat us more brutally.

Even today I am scared of annoying others, afraid that what I say would anger others, even if it means suppresing my discontent or anger.
 
Ste,

I just reread the most recent posts here and want to second what EndlessJourney is saying:

Ste, that took a lot to write that, and I'm damn proud to have you on my side. Not to mention relieved. Remember that little Ste is not only protected by you, but, somehow, is protected by all of us who choose to stick together and put an end to the horrible past. Were all in this together. My tears are proving it right now as they fall on my keyboard.
Click to expand...
Isn't that the truth! Well said EJ! You have a lot of strength on your side Ste: not only for us from you, but also for the little guy from you and for both of you from all of us.

Even thinking about this is a source of strength.

Much love,
Larry
 
ste,

I cry for you my friend. I too can remember the wet bed and the fits of rage by my mother, I can remember staying awake at night and being afraid of the tiolet. And yes, I still ask why even though I don't expect or want an answer anymore.

I am so sorry that you too had to go through that. I would give you one of those silly cyber-hugs but I'm going to try to do one better. In my mind's eye, I see me and you with our arms around each other. We don't need to talk, we can each feel the other's pain. Our tears flow freely and get all mixed up together. We cry like that untill the tears are all spent. And when at last we look into each other's eyes, we smile, we laugh, healing has occurred on both sides.

Love ya my friend.

Darrel
 
This thread has let me discover another big trigger - memories of a wet bed. I was too young to see it was connected somehow with the abuse; I just concluded it was another proof of how worthless and shameful I was.

Ste and Darrel, thanks for bringing this up - it was something I needed to face.

Much love,
Larry
 
When I look back into time now I can see and understand why I wet the bed around the age when my abuse was happening. I remember I also did it in class and kids used to make fun of me. I can't quite figure out what prevented me from using the restroom when I was already potty trained. Maybe I was affraid to use the bathroom also. Anyone else would have pissed their pants too if they had to go through what we did. I wish I could've held it in and let it out on those who abused me. Bastards! Ahh, there's some anger for ya!

"I was too young to see it was connected somehow with the abuse; I just concluded it was another proof of how worthless and shameful I was."

Larry, that one hit me! It enrages me to know that someone taught you that as a child! it also reminds me of my own situation and enrages me more. Thanks! Anger is good as long as it is vented constructively I tell myself. Look at us now and how far we've come! Who's worthless and shameful now? Not anyone in this chatroom!
 
endlessjourney,

You tell'em. We're the ones with value.

Hang in there

Darrel
 
Endless Journey,

Sorry, I didn't mean to say someone taught that to me. It's just that as a boy I wet my bed sometimes and didn't realize there might be a connection between that and what the abuser was doing. I would wake up and feel so ashamed, and that just seemed to intensify all the feelings I was getting from the abuse that was occurring.

Much love,
Larry
 
i too wet my bed until i was 12. along with a panoply of severely dysfunctional behaviours. my mother refused to believe that anything was wrong. i was her proof to the world of what a good mother she was. i was also her little man. (emotional incest) she kicked dad out when i was two because he had a stroke and was too much trouble and she didn't ant anyone messing with her plan on raising me. i had a love/hate relationship with my mom my whole life. she died a few years ago. i miss her. i wish i had accentuated the love part more and the hate part less. at least in person. blessings, bob
 
The bed-wetting theme is taking on a life of its own here - hope that's okay.

I talked to my mother last night and she really startled me by confessing that she never knew I had that problem. I just couldn't believe it!

But then she reminded me of something I told them when I disclosed in November. When I was being abused NOTHING was as important as keeping the secret. My whole life revolved around that.

I guess that sounds familiar, right? But it's a heavy hit when the true nature of it all gets highlighted so vividly by details like this. I feel so sorry for Little Larry right now. What a hell of a mess he had to cope with.

Much love,
Larry
 
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