Alone Forever???

Alone Forever???
M

malitovsky1

Registrant
I came to a realization that I probably should stay away from intimate relationships with women. While this is drastic I think it so. I have had three relapses in 20 years in AA and the common denominator was that I was in an intimate relationship with a female. Now that I have regained the suppressed memories of my mother abusing me I know why I have such a difficult time with women. Sometimes I wish I was gay. But I am not. When I am in an intimate relationship with a woman I seem to become emotionally vulnerable. While that may seem like an OK thing in some relationships for me it is not good because I do not pick woman that can be trusted. They always betray me in the end. It is amazing how I seem to arrange this and while their names maybe different they themselves are not. I seem much more stable when I am not in that kind of relationship. Now I know some of you will say never say forever and that as I heal I will pick healthier women. I was sober for 11 years and still the same thing. I know I have a bad picker and do not know how to fix it. So I guess the best thing to do is not get into any intimate relationships with women. That reality makes me feel lonely and I cry. I feel like I am going to die some lonely old man. I do not know if I am making sense or not but I will stop reambling. Does anyone else think this is like them?

Gary
 
gary,
i don't know how similar my story is to your situation. when my former wife left me three years ago i was totally devastated in every real way. she was the first real relationship i ever had. i didn't date in high school, and i was too painfully shy in college. i had a few experiences, but nothing serious. we were married for nine years, seven of those together and the last two seperated. for the first year or so of the seperation i was totally convinced that there was no way i could ever recover. i had lost my soul mate in every sense of the word, not my wife, my soul mate. there was no way i could ever love again. everyone here knows of lady theo and the difference she has made in my life. i am not saying hang tough, because that is nonsense. all i can say is that i have been there where you are and i know exactly how you feel. take care, gary, and i hope you feel better.
 
Gary,

I made the same decision to avoid intimate relationships with women (or anyone) a few years ago. This may or may not be permanent, but it's the best choice for me right now.

BUT, this doesn't mean I have isolated myself. It was a happy day when I discovered I could talk with an out gay person about anything. They have a level of clear eyed honesty that I like. I have formed a support system that helps keep me engaged -- no the same as an intimate relationship, but safe and good enough for now.

Chris
 
Hmm,

although I have been known to overindulge in alcohol on occasion, I have never been addicted to that, or drugs, or been in any kind of 12'step program. (My addiction of choice is self harm, and I am indeed quite expert at it).

I always felt greatly intimidated by women, because always, I found them all so incredibly beautiful, but knowing I was so very unworthy of a relationship with any of them. I do not think it would help me to be gay, because of how I feel of myself, I would then just feel same of men!

I did finally have a relationship last year, it lasted several months, but she broke off of me because I was unable to be intimite with her.

However...in recent months, a very good, very close friendship has gradually developed into something more. (Maybe it always was, I am not sure). And I am being so very careful of it, because this woman, she not only has my heart, she IS my heart.

Never, ever, did I believe I would ever find someone who could stand me, thinking I am so bad and dirty and used. And yet, I have someone who actually loves me now. I thought that always, I would be alone. Yes, alone forever.

Man is a social animal, not necessarily biologically programmed to be monogamous, but mostly programmed to be social and not solitary. I am thinking that you are feeling bad at this time, of yourself, and what you THINK of as your failures (your lapses, NOT failures!) And, possibly, for that thinking, you feel you must punish yourself to 'solitary confinement', so to speak.

I think that the mores and norms of society are against you on this one. I think that biology is against you on this one. I think your DNA is against you on this one. And, in truth, I think reality is against you on this one. I think that as you feel stronger of yourself, as you feel more positive of yourself, you will realize that you are WORTHY and DESERVING of love and companionship. It may be easier without it for right now. But for most people, I think it would be really hard for a lifetime.

I wish you well, peace of mind, and smoother travels on your path.

leosha
 
This is my first time posting, but the topic seems to be one that resonates with me.

I was abused from the time I was 8 years to 12 years by a female relative. She was a very controlling person and would frequently physically abuse me also. Through high school I always felt uncomfortable around girls and felt like I was doomed to be alone. Even in College I found it hard to develop healthy relationships with women. I always sabotaged the relationship at some point.

After college, I found myself in a relationship with a controlling woman. My therapist at the time warned me that I was replicating the control my abuser and my mother exercised over my life.

Through high school and college I would occassionally masturbate, but it did not become compulsive like it has become since my marriage. The porn has even become out of control. I always seem resort to do this after an argument with my wife where she has berated me in some way.

When I got married it was because I felt this was my best chance of not living my life alone. Plus the people at my church told me this was a good woman and I should marry her. Up until the time I said I do I had mixed feelings about marrying her. I didn't want to get married but I felt obligated to do what was expected of me.

Now, five years later I wished I had followed my instincts and my heart and not married her. When we got married she made me close my bank account, etc. Over the past 2 years since my mother died, I have become more disgruntled with my marriage. I feel trapped now with nowhere to go.

This trapped feeling makes me lash out in unhealthy ways. It has finally all come to a head and I have to make decision. However, I have held up on any action until I stabilize on prozac.

I don't know why I wrote out all this, but I feel better.
 
This is my first time posting, but the topic seems to be one that resonates with me.

I was abused from the time I was 8 years to 12 years by a female relative. She was a very controlling person and would frequently physically abuse me also. Through high school I always felt uncomfortable around girls and felt like I was doomed to be alone. Even in College I found it hard to develop healthy relationships with women. I always sabotaged the relationship at some point.

After college, I found myself in a relationship with a controlling woman. My therapist at the time warned me that I was replicating the control my abuser and my mother exercised over my life.

Through high school and college I would occassionally masturbate, but it did not become compulsive like it has become since my marriage. The porn has even become out of control. I always seem resort to do this after an argument with my wife where she has berated me in some way.

When I got married it was because I felt this was my best chance of not living my life alone. Plus the people at my church told me this was a good woman and I should marry her. Up until the time I said I do I had mixed feelings about marrying her. I didn't want to get married but I felt obligated to do what was expected of me.

Now, five years later I wished I had followed my instincts and my heart and not married her. When we got married she made me close my bank account, etc. Over the past 2 years since my mother died, I have become more disgruntled with my marriage. I feel trapped now with nowhere to go.

This trapped feeling makes me lash out in unhealthy ways. It has finally all come to a head and I have to make decision. However, I have held up on any action until I stabilize on prozac.

I don't know why I wrote out all this, but I feel better.
 
Just a thought. When talking with a friend about the abuse, and how it affects me today, in my life still, she said that the abuse did not only take away from me (my childhood, my control, my body, etc), but it also took me away from others, by making me trust less, and share less. No more taking away from me. They won't get any more then what they already have.

Leosha
 
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