Alone and scared...new to MS

[JRO]

Greetings to all. I was referred to this site by a dear friend of mine. Not sure what to think. Right now I have so many mized feelings. I was abused from 6-10 yrs. ols by an older cousin (14 at the time) and a female baby sitter (on one occasion).

I am a leader, independant, outgoing, strong, but at the same time I know how debilitating my abuse has been. Panic attacks, yes...hospitalization, yes. We have all tread similar paths, I know. But somehow my pride still is afraid to seek help. "I can do this on my own..." are the words that consume my thoughts and mind. I am so tired of being "taken care of". I'm 28 and an ADULT for God's sake. My fiance and parter of seven years has left me, my dream of starting an opera company has been taken from me and I am so scared. What is next. Where do I go from here? I am an artist who yearns to create, but am afraid right now to let my artistry flow for fear of what might come up. I am pissed at my last "sex abuse therapist" who told me I didn't need to tell my fiance about my infidelity...and then she found out on her own. She was devistated, yet again by the results of my SA. Will I ever be able to function as a "normal" part of society. My abuser died in a plane crash about 4 years ago and I have so many mixed feelings about this. I wanted to tell him to his face look how you F***** UP my life, David! I wasn't given that opportunity. I don't feel like ending it all, but I'm afriad the panic attacks will get me.

Just trying to take it one day at a time - anyone realte to my story? I would be honored to hear back from you.

Yours,
JRO

 

[Lloydy]

Jason
the 'honour' is all ours.

I've just posted my 5000th post, and in that post I remember my first post, much like yours. Filled with fear and trepidation.
But I also say that MS is a good place to be for us Survivors, and it is.

You have many questions, and we'll help you to find your answers; we don't have 'your' answers, hell, sometimes I don't even have my own!
But support and help are the trademark of MS, so stick around.

Dave

 

JRO,

Even though the English spell funny, I too, am "honored" to see you join us. ( , Dave)

Take it from someone who thought he should be able to handle alone for over 40 years. It can't be done alone.

Taking the first courageous step in posting here is evidence of how strong you really are. But even the strong can't always carry the burden alone. So, welcome.

Find a therapist who specializes is male childhood abuse. They are out there. More of them all the time. You might wish to contact your local rape crisis line for some leads.

Peace,

Marc

 

[Leosha]

JRO,

I am greatful to your dear friend for sending you here. He is a very good man.

As for the panic episodes, and this is something I cringe on myself to do, because in the begining I was so very against medication or therapy, but I do suggest both. But medication, specially, is helpful for that. When first I started dealing with all this (was it really a year and half ago? wow), the panic and flashbacks of it were near nonstop, were quite debilitating. I felt similar as you, I am an adult, why is it I can't handle this, etc? But when it is new, when it is powerful and potent, our body needs help to deal. It is not weakness or shame. It is the physical and mental connection.

When we are more settled with the panic, our brain can settle better, and we can deal more with the actual issues. It is difficult when our brains are swirling around like crazy. I would suggest also, in addition to any therapy you decide to seek, to try to find yourself here some more. Not necessarily to post or respond, although both of those can be quite helpful. But even just reading other people's stories and issues here can make you feel less alone, less negatively about yourself, and realize that people of all cultures, backgrounds, ages, etc, deal with these issues. There are some similarities and some differences in how we deal, but there is understanding and acceptence.

I welcome you here, and wish you good luck.

leosha