almost one year out and still crying

almost one year out and still crying
I

Iwanttohelphim

Registrant
I haven't posted in a while. I was trying to get "past" this. Trying to "move on" as everyone, including me, thinks I should do.

It is coming up on the one year since we split. I have spent almost everyday of that year mourning, greiving, reading, researching, praying,walking the earth and sending metta and light and actually talking to him through the moon - he never came home and he never got help.

The moon thing may sound whacky- but we live on two differet continents, so we could both see it at the same time...it used to be a thing we did while on the phone...

I thought he would. In the back of my mind, I thought he would. I nearly had a breakdown- a complete one- as opposed to the mini one I had- from the abuse and from the breakup. One of the ways I maintained any composure at all was to "talk" with him everynight and picture him as a grown man and as a little boy, relaxing and safe in my arms, whispering in his ear "I beleive you. You can always tell me the truth and I will always beleive you. You are my angel and nothing can change that. You are safe now.i beleive you."

I never got the chance to do that. I want so much to do that.

I thought that eventually, he would remember how much I love him and that he would beleive that if someone loved him that much, he could beleive in getting help. Silly, I know. But it helped me get through some really bad days.

Now I have to deal with the reality of the delusion I had to create. I still can not let it go just yet. But the day is coming.

He is with someone else now, so I hear. But I don't know if that is true. I know that I will forever be his "wife" in the truest sense of the word. I know that he is not well and this relationship, if it is real, will fail as well, sooner or later.

I feel powerless and sad. I feel angry.

I was never allowed to express emotions or anger with him. Always walking on eggshells. I feel like hurting him sometimes- until he listens- he never listened to me, just attributed bad motives to everything I said or did. "decaf? You are a terrible wife!" I am so angry at him. I didn't deserve this.

I am angry at his parents who emotionally and physically abused him. I am angry at his cousin who was responsible for the CSA: Angry at his siblings for also being BPD and continuing to lie, cheat, insiult and hit into their late 20's and 30's.

I am angry at his "best friend" who refuses to beleive anything is wrong. "so, it didn't work out- relationships can get ugly, move on".

I am angry at him for being such a coward. I am angry at him for abandoning me. For making the last two years a living hell. For changing my future in ways I do not want it to change. I am angry because I needed him to support me in this too. I needed him to be there for this journey, as he said he would be for all of life's journey's with me. He promised to never leave me alone.

That is exactly what he did.

I can't cry anymore and I want to. I can't smile anymore because there is nothing to smile about.

i love a man who is not capable to love in a mature adult way. I love a man who actually never really saw me or know me. He can only see himself and his issues.

i was conned and duped.

I feel stupid.

I feel worthless and cast out like trash.

If I could do everything I have done for him and still not be worth a response by e mail- then I must really be nothing.

I feel helpless and tired. I want this to be over.

I want him to take his pain back and get it away from me. I have enough of my own.

I want to hug him one last time and tell him I beleive him. And then let him go to find his way.

I love you abooty. i love you with all of my heart.


venting
hayati
 
''i love a man who is not capable to love in a mature adult way. I love a man who actually never really saw me or know me. He can only see himself and his issues.''


I feel like this too :( Although my bf is still here, and claims to love me still, but sometimes I wonder what it is he loves. Some ideal which I cannot be for him, and if I am not that ideal, then I am made to feel guilty, damanding and unreasonable. I sometimes feel that really, it's only because I sacrificed my own self, that 'we' survived at all, and if I am honest about my own feelings of what's missing and behave in the only way realistic under these cirsumstances, he cuts me out all together. So, I believe I have been terribly afraid to live my life, for fear there will be no 'us' if i do.........does that make sense? He'll never come into my space and I'm tired of always having to make the compromise of going into his space and even if I did, I have no idea what he really wants out of that. I don't believe my bf 'sees' me at all.


Hayati,

I know you're hurting terribly right now and you deserve much more than this. Could this actually be a blessing in disguise? The Dalai Lama said, ''Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck''. I know that's not how you're feeling right now, and you need this time to grieve and that is important. Don't judge yourself for the sad feelings you have. It is perfectly normal and reasonable to grieve for however long you need to. And when that time passes(which it will do), you will find another who can love you in the whole way you need and deserve. Also, you'll start out with different expectations, such as expressions of anger being acceptable etc.

Please know that if your husband is not happy still and his new relationship is not working out, that's his problem now. You deserved more than to be rejected in the way you were. Even if he came back to you, would you still want him?

There are men out there who can give you more than this. Believe that. Perhaps think about the things which would make you feel safe in a relationship. I know I don't feel safe in my current relationship and that my bf cannot presently give me some of the things I need in order to heal from a load of my own stuff. I also know I can't give him some of the things he needs in order to heal from some of his own stuff. I have read that thinking about whether or not your partner can provide some of these important things, is actually quite significant. After all, a person can only heal to a certain degree and then they surely need to be able to explore/express parts of themselves in a safe enough setting in order to move forward. It's why I'm so depressed at the moment. In my current situation, I can't see a way out.

I'm sorry if none of this helps, but it's so important to know you are a GOOD person, worth all the love and respect everyone deserves.

I wish you well


peace
Beccy
 
you are right about it all Beccy and I know it intellectually. The heart is another matter. I could have written your posts, they sound just like me and my relatioship-so you know how this goes.

I know god has protected me and I know to wait for the day this is ok. I know X is not supposed to be in my life. But it still hurts on a human level. It is still devastating to be abused. It is devastating to be treated the way they treat us and I think I, like many of us, got so swept up in his issues, that for the first time, I am allowing my feelings of fear, sadness, rage, confusion, betrayal, etc, to come out--

it's tough---

hugs guys, I am sorry you feel similarly. It's not a good feeling.

Bunny
 
It is a very good thing that you're now letting all those feelings out. That's an achievment to be be celebrated :)


best wishes on your path and wherever that may lead you,

peace
Beccy
 
Iwanttohelphim,
Sorry to hear of your very low place right now. It is hard to know what to blame, the csa, the ptsd maybe or just plain ole' depression, for I know I believe with all my heart now that my husband's depression alone can distort reality for him and make him see things as not worthwhile. It is so sad because so often they do not feel sick themselves. So it is hard to know what to do to help.

All I can say is that when all else seems to fail we must remember that we are not EVER alone. God is with us and feels everything we feel. He knows firstly what betrayal and loss feel like.

My good friend told me the other day that there was a time when she was majorly depressed and it took about a year before she decided finally to seek help for it, so sometimes it just takes a really long time for them to seek it.

Hang in there. Try to enjoy the little things in life that are yours alone, rather than missing him or wishing for things that aren't yours alone right now.

Hang in there.
 
Thanks BH,

I know what you are going through, and the collection of disorders your H has, like most survivors, is a very difficult nest to untagle indeed. The way I eventually did it was this (I hope this offers you some insight):

1) "dierect" or immediate effects from the abuse:

Anger
loss of sense of control
loss of sense of safety
Solitude
fear
Cognitive distortion
et all

2) "PTSD" from the acts of abuse

disassociation
"triggers"
separation of mind and body (also disassociation)
reactive rather than responsive behavior
physical or somaytized responses to emotions, rather than being able to recognize them and deal with them effectively (AKA PTSD)
Chemical changes in the body which make what was "mind" now physical.

Depression:

Feelings of helplessness over the abuse
feelings of sadness and isolation for being "alone"
Feeling perpetually singled out for misery
Feeling that life is not in his control and "fate" decides (usually agianst him)

depression b)

Pessimism about relationships and life
pessimism about trusting others
"knowing" he is defective and can not get anything "right" as "proven" by the outcome of his life, which is a self fulfilling prophecy of failure, while he perceives the world is out to get him and blames everyone else for his problems- bringing us back to depression because the worl controls his life and has singled him out for misery. Why bother to hope for better or try to change?

3) Anger

The world has singled him out for misery and no one else feels the way he does or feels anything at all.

How dare anyone challenge his thinking? If his thinking is wrong, then he is "wrong" inside and the abuse WAS his fault because he is a "bad" person.

(My survivors inner dialogue below put together from exceprt of what he said and wrote to me)

"Feelings are facts and if he feels bad, then something "out there" is wrong and if you dare challenge him on this? He will rain down hell on you to "prove" to you that life is as awful as he says it is and there is no other point of view! He KNOWS! You are stupid, naieve and a patsy- look how much crap you are willing to take? See there is only misery! Boy are you stupid for beleiving life can be good- look how crappy your life is and how stupid you are for staying with me- when I abuse you! I love how stupid you are and how I can control you! You think you are worth more than this? I will show you what you are worth and after I abuse you, you will come begging like a dog for more! Stupid worthless b%%&h. if you had any self respect, you wouldn't be with a person like me, so why are you asking me for respect?

The world is a bad place and if you tell me it isn't. If you invalidate my feelings, because I am my feelings, my feelings are me and that's all there is, they crowd my head and my life, they overshadow everything, they are like glue, they stick to everything I think and see and hear- if you tell me that what I say is wrong, I will kill you. I will kill you slowly and I will make sure you never tell me that I am wrong again. I am right about everything, because if I am wrong about one thing, it means I am wrong about everything and that means I am wrong inside and I deserved and asked for the abuse. Beleive me now that I am right about everything and if you try to challenge me, I will abuse you more because you like it and you need to be shown your place. That's the way the world works. i will break you and you will be my slave so you can not hurt me. I will use violence, rape, our children, anything to torture you into submission until you crawl on your knees and call me master and thank me for beating you and raping you. You will beg and grovel at my command and you will thank me for it and tell me how much you like is. You are nothing and don't ever tell me I am wrong."

and that anger eats him aliveand distances him from everything he could have and everything he wants. It the self fulfilling prophecy.

It is not just one thing BH- it is obviously more complex than my paymans breakdown. But it is a lot of things put together and it is a werious effort to figure it all out and attribute the right things to the right causes- and it is a little different for every individual.

This is a pian I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Thanks for your support. really need some right now.
 
Today I am finally feeling angry enough to feel happy- if that makes any sense.

I feel angry enough to say enough is enough. I can feel the bonds of his pain easing from me a little bit.

I remember the constant criticsm, insults, name calling, slamming furniture and doors. The emotional blackmail, cycling arguments. Never being allowed to sleep- keeping me in dirty cloths and denying me a toothbrush.

Threatening to leave me after screaming at me in disassociative episodes and the look in his eyes during sex sometimes- the look of domination and power- not love.

I remember wondering endlessly what I was doing wrong and why he would think I was such a bad person? Why he would think I would purposely scheme to hurt him and attribute motives to me I never thought of having.

I remember defending myself against these accusations and asking him why he thought that and being insulted and railroaded "repeat exactly after me, so I am sure you understand. If you use other words then I don't know you understand."

I remember the semantics arguements and the arguments over nothing, all the time. I kept begging for peace and quiet and solitude and just a stop to all the bad feelings. he would move in harder and keep at me.

I remember wanting to leave him but deciding not to because "he had issues" and he said he loved me.

That was the hardest part. he said he loved me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. he was right. I was. But he never loved me. He idolized me and just as quickly devalued me. Nothing was ever good enough and god help me if I was in a good mood. he would purposely put an end to that.

he was nasty and manipulative and wreaked the evil of his abusers right out onto me.

He made my life a hell and now I am just angry enough to be glad he is gone.

This feeling waxes and wanes. I am more often stuck in thinking about his pain and how awful this is. But honestly, I know a lot of survivors who get help. i know some survivors who never behave this way. I know there is evil in this man and he never loved me because he does not know how. In his own way he did. But it is not a "true" way, and he never even knew me at all. i was such a sucker. I beleived his lies and selfish manipulations. i beleived when he said he would get help.

I know this relationship was important for me to have in a lot of ways. I learned a lot about myself from it.

I know too that the man I feel in love with was a facade, a lie, and a con.

I hope his selfish evil little spirit rots in hell. i hope he suffers everyday for the rest of his life in solitude. I hope he loses everything he loves.

I hope he never forgets that he is unworthy, isn't a man and deserves every horrible thing that happens to him.

I hope I can hold onto this anger long enough to get myself out of the rut of the last year and move on with my life. I don't like being anyone's victim and so far I have been his victim and the victim of his abusers. I hope they all rot in their sick abusive perverted hell together for eternity.

VERY ANGRY AND VENTING.
 
I am so sorry you were treated this way.

I'm not surprised you've been so low. That's a big hole to dig yourself out of and really, a huge congratulations is in order here for feeling the power enough to write those words.

My bf has never been as mean to me as some of those terribly abusive things your husband did, but when i think of the look in his eye someimes when he f****d me, there was no love. That was if we looked into eachother's eyes at all. Once recently, shortly after he'd started therapy, he was very tender and said something really loving while we were intimate, and it brought me to tears. I was also surprised that it turned me on physically, and I feel so unbelievably sad that that is what I've been missing all these years...........

I actually asked to be dominated in our sex life, as I thought that was what I wanted, but I thinkit turned out I was more being used really. I feel he treated me very badly and on talking about this with him, his perspective is that he was always trying to please me. As in, simliar to the abuse with his sister. He said, he was always trying to make things better. I just can't understand how he could have mistaken so many of the words i said and how much i talked of wanting to please HIM. I feel that everything I did was out of sheer desperation and unhappiness that I could never please him. I feel like he f****d me with hatred in his heart and I feel like what he's telling me makes him sound like he's been the victim.

I also feel he's been very controlling, put me down very subtly, also he's lied to me about significant information about our daughter, which I had a right to know, because he didn't want me to be 'angry' with him.

I feel that I've actually been so weak and desperate for his love, that I've given things up. I just never saw it that way before.

He used to get unreasonably angry if I tried to help with our daughter when she was tiny. It was like I could never do anything right.

I tried to communicate reasonably and he always took it like I was accusing him of something.

He also used to twist conversations around, and destract from the main point, backtrack and confuse me no end. I was so confused. He still does that now. He did it last night actually in what was to me a very important conversation about something I'm very insecure about. It makes me very tense about if he's hiding things/not telling the truth. It's like he picks at what I've said/what I might need and devalues it. He's also very thoughtless about some of things he does tell me and seems to have no idea why certain things might be upsetting, or inconsiderate.


He was never any where near at all as bad as your bf sounds like he was, that's a whole other league, but I do wonder now about all his 'caring' ways and think of them to be perhaps more like 'suffocating' and I was like a child ready to accept this 'safety'. More serious problems began between us when we had children really and I began standing up for them/myself and the things I believed in. I could no longer be happy behaving like a child and tried to grow up a bit, but I don't think he liked that at all. Then I became a threat.

Anyway, that's all water under the bridge I suppose, as he's very dedicated to his healing and I think he's working amazingly hard at it all. Just hard to trust again after so many lies and in the light of everything i've realised.


In my last T appointment, I said there a few things my bf had said, which surely only a person who was actually in love with you could say. There are lots of things he does which make me think he must love me, but then I do wonder.........How he views me really. What it actually IS that he loves?


Vent as much as you need to Hayati


peace
Beccy
 
Thanks for shareing beccy.

I don't think my situation was as bad as many people's situations- but there is no comparing reallY. I know that what you write sounds exactly like what I experienced- the twisting of words, the constant distacting from the issue (also know as diverting, in theraputic language)- never admitting he did anything wrong but making sure it seemed like everything I did was wrong- nothing was ever good enough. He did NOTHING our entire relationship. NOTHING. And he admits that. But everything I did (and I did a lot) was up for criticsm and contempt.

They are so good at blame shifting- as brokenhearted put in one of her posts- her H is still looking to change the exterior by changing jobs- he is stoll blaming everyone and everything- meanwhile he tells her he doesn't love her and then has a breakdown, and then..and then,,,one would think he would accept that he is mentally disturbed. Just like my X- all the women who say he has anger problems...yeah- it's all OUR fault.

Right now I am in a defrosting phase I think. As I said, it is the first time after one year since the break-up and almost one year in the relationship- that I am allowing myself to get angry and express it. I knew when I did that in the relationship he would abuse more and bolt. Stupid me, I didn't want to lose him. What a joke. All of the anger that I have held inside and my negative opinions of him , I am allowing to surface.

I spent all that time thinking "is it important to get annoyed at this stuff when in the long run what you want s to be together with him? Be a grown up and know it's his stuff and it will pass" Little did I know it would only get worse.
I spent all that time thinking "the bhudda says when we have forgiveness and compassion for others, we have it for ourselves and then we can be happy"- right now, I don't care about bhudda. I am angry as stars. I am angry and I feel humiliated and used and duped and stupid and cast our like trash and lied to.

He lied about the fundamental fact that he could have a committed rlationship. That is the biggest and worst lie I have ever been told...since I was abused as a child.

I am ok being angery for a few days, it will simmer down and get back into balance. I think it's ok to be angry when people lie to us and abuse us. I think it is ok for me to know that he is a demon from hell and that I am lucky to be away from him. And ok for me to hope that he stays in hell for all eternity- because he chose to be there with his abusers, because he is no better and has become them. I hope he rots with them forever.

Still really angry and way more angry as I type..venting.

The one thing I would say beccy, and anyone still struggling is "let the chips fall where they may". Don't supress your anger or walk on eggshells. Be who you are and keep good boundaries. Good boundaries deflect bad people from getting in. That is their job. If your bopundaroes are good and appropriate, and they push your survivor away- that means you are healthy emotionally. I minimized the abuse too. I thought it wasn't even abuse- until I faced basically an intervention, with a psychologist friend who knows me well, and those women, told me I was being abused. I knew I wasn't happy- but abused? There wasn't hitting- or much yelling or cursing really- what I didn't realize that one disassociatve episode which scared me was enough. One incident of throwing furniture was enough. Verbal and emotional abuse are real things. I was not going crazy and I did not have a communication problem. It is about control. If he had done some of the things he did to me to a stranger ONCE, he could have been convicted of assault and sent to jail.

Be wary of minimizing and stuffing your feelings under the fear. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking "it's not so bad, he has a reason, he doesn't mean to" YES HE DOES! Maybe not from malice, maybe not consciously premeditated, but he means to control you, like he has to control everything in his world to feel safe. he means all of it. And he means everything he says from one minute to the next. Unstable affective mood and personalities.

There is a reason women kill their abusers. It is not because they are being attacked physically in the moment in most cases. In most cases it is because they can not take one more minute of the demeaning controlling behavior. It doesn't matter what their excuse is "I was abused" WELL BOO HOO! GROW UP! (I am a CSA survivor myself)

Did you know that women who kill their batterers- with long paper trails of evidence of being abused, who do not even have traffic violations, accross the board, have sentences that are more than double then a man who has a history of violence against women and others when he kills his wife In the US?

Don't be the one we read about. Set your boundaries and let the chips fall where they may. Don't repess the anger. I did and look where it got me.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top