Almost 32 and never had a relationship.

Almost 32 and never had a relationship.
G

gs

Registrant
I have just recently met a really wonderfull woman who I share a very personal connection with.She is a survivor of a pretty horrific chil hood kidnapping.Although she has a number of ongoing conditions because of it.But she is dealing with them and i the most amazing woman I have met.
I have accepted that there won'tbe any intamacy there, we have clicked on a very personal level.In talking I bought up the fact that I had ben abused at school by 2 classmates at seperate times and a neighbourhood kid.All around my age.I don't remember a lot about it now as I have blocked alot of it out.I guess I thought I had beaten those feelings.While talking to My new freind she got me talking a bit more about the abuse, and it just opened up a whole new range of emotions and really got me thinking about how much this has really affcted me.
Every time I meet a woman I like I tend to get very clingy and needy.The further they back away the harder I try to grab until they just run.
Not to mention the confusion about my sexuality, and the problems I have in being with somebody.A porn star I will never be.
I am a fairly good looking normal guy in pretty good shape.I beleive I have alot going for me but this matter is really holding me back.
Hopefully with some help and understanding people I can come to terms with it and finally experience true love.
 
gs,
Do you have a therapist, or someone you can spill your guts too? Hopefully you can find a way for things to work out. Best of luck finding the love and support you so rightly deserve!
Casey
 
I don't have a therapist yet as I have only just had my eyes opened on the matter in the last few days.I have spent most of my life in denial I guess.If I hadn't met this really special caring freind I probaby still would be.To this day I have only ever told 2 people which makes it harder.
As I'm sure most of you can understand I am really confused and emotional at the moment.
 
Hello gs,

That's great that you really connect with this woman.I know how hard relationships are. I've only had one that lasted more than a year and I am 34.

I understand how it is to suddenly be re-evaluating your life in the light of this new insight about the abuse. That's great that yu are able to open up to the feelings that it brings up, even if it is difficult.

There's a lot of support here, you're not alone with what you are going through.

I also think therapists are a good idea, for me a lot of times the therapy relationship acts as a kind of buffer between my issues and the real world. I direct a lot of the difficlty in relationships at the therapist, and then its easier to be more balanced in my other relationships.

take care,

Jim
 
gs
Welcome to 'our world', it's not where we want to be, but it's where we are.

The best way back into the 'real world' ( whatever that might be? ) is through therapy. And I would recommend finding one that secializes in, or has a lot of experience of, sexual abuse Survivors.

Therapy isn't always easy, and of course there's the macho shit to overcome - "real men don't do therapy".
Well that's bullshit, real men want to live their lives in the way they want to, and if asking for help makes that a reality, they ask for help.

take care
Dave
 
gs,
I to have meet a wonderfull women, she is the first person I ever told about the sb. When the fear and pain come rushing back I run from her, this has been my MO for a long time now. I'm scared to death of lossing her, the running has her extremely scared. If your as sick and fuckin tired of not having a happy life as I am then lets all try to help each other threw this.
 
no profound advise here, i just want to say way to go on making your first hard steps and i hope you will stick with it and continue on the right path to healing.
 
Thanks for all the comments and advice.
I can't beleive it has taken me 20 years to click all the peices of the puzzle together and figure out what is the cause of my problem.If it wasn't for the fact that I met this woman who was very open and honest about her own SA and the problems it is causing in her life after 25 years and 10 years of therapy I would still be oblivious to my own problems.Denial is a very big problem for myself and obviously alot of other guys on here.
She went to the doctor with me yesterday to start the ball rolling which is lucky because I just froze when I tried to tell my doctor.Because she came with me her boyfriend broke up with her over it.He does not understand, and thinks we are having an affair.I am really greatfull that she stuck to her guns and came with me anyway.I just hope they can sort it out.
I was terrified before I went in but now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The next big step is to find a councilor and tell my parents.
Hopefully with time I can start to mend the hurt that I have been covering up for 20 years and meet a woman who I can not scare off.I guess there is a first time for everything.

To everyone who has given advice and shared their stories a big thank you.
It means alot to know that I am not alone as I have thought for 20 years.
Cheers Guys
 
A few things that she said to me that really put a lump in my throat is that she felt sad for me that I had a) never loved or been loved by a woman b) never made love to a woman (not just meaningless sex) c) and never been able to tell anyone especially my parents.
She told me to think about things for a few days and not rush into anything.
Almost straight away I decided that if this was in any way holding me back from being completely happy in all aspects of my life then I was going to take my problems , and kick their ass right out the door because I AM going to be happy. I am going to find someone to make me happy and make my life complete.
End of story!!!!!
 
You said:

because I AM going to be happy. I am going to find someone to make me happy and make my life complete.
End of story!!!!!
Click to expand...
Gs you will be happy. the thing is it is you that will make you happy and that will rub off on someone who wants to share that happiness with you. Welcome to the journey.

I have a friend who is a survivor like us and he has what he calls the THOR PRINICIPAL
1. T Be true to yourself and what you are. Do not hide yourself from view.

2. H Be honest with yourself and others.

3. O Be open with yourself and others

4. R Be truly REAL

I hope I got it right Phil.

GS i think that we should all live that way. For too long I hid Mike and I was in denial about everything. I lied to myself and others. I was neve open and reality for me was an illusion in my mind.
 
I agree with what you are saying.It is "me" that makes me feel happy (or sad for that matter.
The fact of the matter is I am happy with all other aspects of my life(more money would be nice though) but I can't help feeling there is one thing that is lacking from my life and I don't think I can be truly happy until I find it.
 
GS that will happen one day and at a time when you will least expect it. When it does happen you will know and the joy you will experience will be unlike any other. Have a great holiday season.
 
I think you have found yourself a very good relationship, and I hope it works. It sounds as someone who can truly understand much of what you are going through, mentally. I wish you luck in your relationship, even if it remains only a friendship. It sounds as you can be good for each other.

leosha
 
Hey, gs, we have a contact in Christchurch. Hell of a guy, I met him in Minneapolis when we attended our last conference. His name is Ken and I will PM you with his email address.
Give him a buzz and see if he has any ideas for you as far as a therapist is concerned or has any leads for others you may want to know.

Good luck,

David
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top