Allowing myself to remember

Allowing myself to remember
S

Sam_S

Registrant
Very new to this and very overwhelmed.

I'm still feel that I was responsible and allowed it to happen but on the other hand I know I was way too young to have that responsibility!

Please forgive me I'm just gonna rant on here a little and see what comes out.

I've never told anyone what went on in my childhood, except a fews months ago, after getting very drunk, I blurted something out to my wife, I used all the wrongs words, was very limited in what I told her, she ended up telling me I was sick and what I done was disgusting, she threatened to leave me.

I managed to claw back some of what I said and the next morning said I never wanted to talk about it again.

Not her fault at all, I was drunk and still thought the abuse was my falut, hence I guess she thought so also.

Anyway I think that was a big point, even though I totally screwed up when, how and why I told her I did get the words out of my mouth that had been kept shut for over 20 years and it has brought me to this site today.

I never ever allowed myself to actually think or remember what went on, when the images did pop into my head, which was more and more the older I got, I simply refused to accept or acknowledge them and try hard to think of something else.

I also thought I remembered everything about it, but over the last few days, painful as it is, I have been allowing myself to think about it and much to my suprise I remember more, reading other posts labelled (triggers!!) I thought whats a trigger, I now know and am amazed that they do cause memories!!

Although there was no physical force involved I do remember being emotionally controlled "I won't be your friend", "you musn't tell mum or dad" I also remember being told what to do and being told off, made to feel stupid, useless when I got it wrong. I think this accounts for my of lack of confidence (sometimes) in the bedroom even today.

In my first post I said my memories of it were I liked it, actually thinking of the past for the 1st time my memories of it are not that I liked it, if i liked it i would not be on this group today, my body may have responded, but i knew it should not be going on. I do not have fond memories of it and if I could click my fingers and make it never have happened, thats what I would do. This clarity was as a direct result to a reply to my post, thank you so much.

Strangely I was always close to my sister (the perp) growing up but over the last few years, since the birth of my own son, I have become very distant from her. Simply could never leave my son with her, not a problem as she lives about 500 miles away.

I hate her, i feel sorry for her, I try to justify what she done, I can't stand to look at her at the moment, but on the other side I'm thinking what was going on with her? how come at such a young age herself she did this? was she abused? if so Who? Can't even bear to think who at the moment. But i do intend in the future to talk to her about this, she would obviously need help herself.

Enough ranting just opening a pandora's box.

Thanks again for all your replies and support, I really never imagined there would be anyone else who could possibly understand. I will take your advice on board and seek professional counciling, just need a little more time to calm down abit about this.

Take care and thanks

Sam
 
Sam - It sounds like you're off to a good start, therapy can be very rewarding and truly helpful.

Amazing, isn't it? How once the walls fall down, there's no putting them back up. Believe me, I've tried. But our minds know when we are strong enough to deal with the memories and emotions. Until now, you were not ready. But your mind senses that it is time to deal with it so it, you, allow the memories, even though they are not welcome, but the do exist and they do need to be addressed.

The early stages of healing can be overwhelming at times, as you say. But that starts to dissipate the more we talk about it, let it out, as you are doing here and as you will do in therapy.

I'm glad you found us. The men here are extraordinary people who have seen the worst of the worst yet struggle through in order to survive and, ultimately, thrive. It is possible and attainable. You'll get there and your signing on to the Call to Arms is a step in the right direction. I wish you peace in your heart and soul, you'll find it. - John
 
Sam,

This flood of emotions you are having, it is so normal and so healthy. It shows you are willing to deal with things and ready to accept what happened.

To come back to a point you made in both your posts and to which I responded in your first one:

In my first post I said my memories of it were I liked it, actually thinking of the past for the 1st time my memories of it are not that I liked it, if i liked it i would not be on this group today, my body may have responded, but i knew it should not be going on.
Click to expand...
Don't let this one mess you up or make you feel you have to justify your feelings. You don't. It is very common for a boy to "like" the feelings of arousal he is experiencing; but at the same time he will be ashamed and frightened because he knows this should not be happening. Perps will often use that to keep things going: "this is your idea as much as mine", "see, you like it", etc.

Remember that an immature boy is not emotionally equipped or socially experienced enough to deal with the confusion and other feelings that boil up when an inappropriate advance is made on him. An abuser, in this case your sister, will not find it difficult to enforce compliance with his or her wishes by using the threats and arguments you mention here.

One thing to carve in stone right from the beginning, Sam: NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT! It was not something you "did" or anything for which you can ever be responsible. You were a child who was manupulated by an older sibling. Yes, the fact that she was a child as well makes things rather more complicated, but not where your share of the responsibility is concerned. That one is easy to calculate: ZERO. As you see more here you will find endless confirmations of this point, but it is one to work on right from the start. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.

Take care,
Larry
 
Sam,

it does sound as you have gotten off to a good start of understanding all this. It can all be overwhelming at times. What you feel you are secure in knowing now, you may not be so secure in in a few weeks! Don't worry of that, it's natural. Sometime healing can be like trying to maintain balance in the shifting sands.

I do understand where your mind is, in thinking what caused your sister to have such knowledge to be able to do these things? That is a question perhaps you will have answered in time. But perhaps you should not try to investigate it to much until you are able to recognize that it was abuse and nothing justifies what was done to you. There are times when people can try to understand, and can try to forgive their abusers. But first, you must understand and forgive yourself. YOU are what is most importent right now.

Take good care of yourself, and remain patient and gentle with yourself.

Leosha
 
Sam,

Again, like in my last post to your last post, your story again mirrors mine so closely. I too had the emotional blackmail of "I won't like you any more" and "I'll tell mum and dad". So, as you've already identified them, triggers, triggers galore here folks! But it all helps, even if the eyes go a bit teary and the heart pounds.

Sam, I would exercise caution in you wanting to confront your sister regarding this. For you it may may a part of the recovery process, but it's just a part - and even then - may not be a large factor for your personal receovery.

I say this because many people when confronted will either deny it or go on the attack. It seems that this is all very raw for you at the moment and I'd hate to see you get more hurt by possible reactions you may get from your sister, and in that regard, from other members of your family.

Your recovery is number one. Let your sister deal with her own issues. It's not your responsibility.

I have also had the fear of "who else was abused" and "what about...?" These are issues I don't have the answers to myself, and yes it does concern me, but if I'm a mess and needing to work through stuff how can I help anybody else anyway? I need to work on myself, and in time I can consider being detective and fixer-upper-er for the rest of the family (perhaps).

Sam, take care of yourself, your wife and your son. That will keep you busy for a little while at least ;) .

...Bruce
 
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