all the same?
I have been encouraged to share some details of my crummy life with others for the benefit of those whom feel deserted or alone in this world. Well tell me you read this and then decide if you are alone. I am having a hard time to accept this fact that this is my life but I am still here and it sucks.
I grew up in the country, not a lot of people around other than family. I am the youngest of three children. I have an older brother and an older sister. My brother is five years older whereas my sister is only three years older. Being in the country meant that there was lots of “family time” and that we were raised as a family. There was never an abundance of money in the household due to the fact that my dad worked and my mom stayed home. My dad has always been a hard worker and he is the reason our family was able to survive. When not at work my dad was doing something for the family. He always cuts wood for the wood burning stove in the basement of tends to the large vegetable garden that they have every year. When given the chance he and my mom would go out to pick wild berries for jam or pies. My mom was also a huge contribution in our survival. She would be busy in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove to preserve some of the garden's bounty or preparing a meal. I remember the first time I ate in a restaurant, I was about 4 years old and my dad had some person come over to help do something in the house he was building. I really can't remember, but, perhaps an electrician. Well anyway, we went to a truckstop that is about 3 miles from the house. I still remember the thrill of eating in a restaurant. Well, unfortunately I have a vivid memory. I remember that when I was a little older somewhere in the range of 7-9 years old I was allowed to go to play at the local community center on Friday evenings between 6 and 9. There wasn't a whole lot to do there except to interact with other kids. Non-family kids! Well there was a snack bar there, they sold pop, chips and chocolate bars each for 25 cents, and red shoestring licorice for 5 cents a piece. Once my mom gave me a bag of pennies to have so when I was here I could buy some treats. I remember the feeling of pride when I was walking around with my bag of pennies and was asked how much money I had in there. I replied with great satisfaction one dollar! I still remember that I didn't even know how much was in the bag but one dollar seemed to be a magical number for me. Well I was nice to have this money because I was usually only given a quarter to appease my addiction for the sweet stuff. Well this is around the time “IT” happened.
One night I was asked by my brother to sleep in the same bed with him. I said no. He said he would give me 10 cents if I did. So I accepted with no hesitation. All I was thinking about was Friday night and those 2 licorice I would buy. I was given the money and nothing happened. It was offered to me again and the next time I gladly accepted the coin. A familiar routine was forming when I would share the same bed as him. It was not too long before he began asking to touch me, down there. Well it was always done with expressions of “trust me” or “I won't hurt you” and numerous ssshhhhhs. To avoid providing the detailed facts let me just say that I was his “toy”. He had his way with me and I haven't been able to accept it since. This routine lasted for about 1 year and the last time I remember it almost happening was when I was playing with my friend Mark and he came to play with us. He had a cabin just in the woods and we were there. He said he was thirsty and sent Mark to get a drink for him. While Mark was gone he tried to get me to give him a quickie. I said no, that Mark would be back soon and catch us, well he was persistent but I was hesitant and resisted, so nothing happened from then on as far as I remember. Well the damage was done. All my life I have failed and continue to do so. I have never had the drive or even the interest to achieve anything of significance. I do have he Midas touch though, except everything I touch turns to shit. I kind of compare myself to Bad Luck Schleprock from “The Flintstones Comedy Hour”. I have all the criteria; a black cloud is always over my head, I look gruesome I have a stupid voice and don't feel like I really belong.
I didn't have sex with a woman until I was 21 and she was quite forceful. It was cheap uninhibited raw sex. I had no experience with the opposite sex and I guess she did not either so it was just plain penis in vagina sex. Even though I didn't deeply care for her, it was great! I had the opportunity weeks prior with a very pretty, tall French girl but I wasn't sure what to do. She even asked my cousin John what was wrong with me because most guys my age just want to fuck. So after this happened my dear cousin John told another friend and his girlfriends sister was there and she is the one. Oddly enough this same cousin John was the reason for my entire high school life to be a ruin. It started in grade 8, the last day of school on the way home on the bus the conversation was about fishing. I wanted to join the conversation so I made up a lie and commented that I once stuck my finger in the mouth of a sucker fish. John lamented “what, you stuck your dick in a sucker fishes mouth”? It was not so amusing to me after being very reserved about my body. However, the others found great humour in it. This rumor spread throughout high school with comments made in my grade 12 yearbook pertaining to this incident. The grief and humiliation that I suffered was mostly unbearable but I persevered. I often wonder how and why. I have thought about suicide lots over the years but either don't have the guts to do it or the time wasn't right. I remember thinking about it years ago and still the same issue looms. If I die, who will clean up all my mess? I am not the tidiest person and I have lots of “stuff” and “loose ends” everywhere. These are some of the biggest factors for me to stay alive. Talk about will to live!
During my college years, I was quiet and reserved. I was not picked on anymore. The sucker incident was behind me now. Instead girls would comment on how quiet and nice I was. They said that I should swear once in a while, so I said “shut up bitch! Who the fuck are you anyway”? This was said with a boyish smirk on my face and the 3 or 4 girls that were there were hysterical. That was where I became introduced to the joys of a good joke. Unfortunately I am sometimes a bit touchy when referred to as a homo. During college I went on spring break to Mexico. While there I met a woman and we married 3 years later. That turned out to be an abusive relationship and we divorced 5 years later.
Now this is a good example of my life. During my marriage my sex life sucked. I was always saying to myself “it will get better”, but it never did. My wife used to hit, scratch punch and kick me. She occasionally threatened my life even. Once she did quite a number on me right in front of our 2-year-old child. Well that night when I finally called them the police despite her pleading me not to. I was previously informed that any signs of domestic violence and the police have to press charges. Well they did not. Even though she admitted to everything. One officer asked the other 2 “what are we going to do guys”? Another officer replied “Let's ask him”. At that exact moment my wife came running into the room on her knees in front of me hands clasped on my knees looking up at me and saying “please don't do it”! One officer asked me “well”? I shrugged my shoulders and then the officer said “we're out of here guys, let's go”. The number of times that the police could have been called before this incident was close to 20. It was at that time about 8:30 p.m. I was asked to leave! The very next evening, a church elder came over to visit, unaware of the previous nights events, witnessed my wife jamming her finger into my chest and questioned the marks on my face and neck. I said “I am fed up, last night I didn't have you charged but this time I will”! The church elder then pulled me aside and proceeded to tell me not to do it. Again I was being controlled! All this power around being used to control me instead of protecting me. Now my lawyer turns out to be a real asshole too. Here is why. I was in a custody battle with my wife over our child. My lawyer said that I must do it because our child will be taken away from me if I don't. The fact being is that I would allow my wife to have the child (joint custody) after knowing what she was capable of doing. He said I have no option, I must go for soul custody. Well a Children's lawyer was acquired for our child. This lawyer set up a date for herself to meet with both me and my lawyer along with my wife and her lawyer. The whole purpose of me having a lawyer was so he could fight for my rights. His knowledge of how the system works and what was fair considering all the shit I was dealt was supposed to be addressed. Well he didn't show up! Apparently his son's car would not start and his son had an exam that day so he let him have his car. Well guess what, I was granted liberal and generous access as per status quo. Oh, did I mention $420.00/month child support. I fired his ass, the new lawyer said the damage has been done. Then I lost my job. I was unemployed and attempted to lower the payments. That turned out to be more difficult than finding a formula to predict prime numbers. Then as my unemployment was being garnished, my bills were falling behind. I looked for a job unsuccessfully and only halfheartedly too I might add. Thanks to the government, they wanted to screw me too. I was finding it impossible to pay my debts. The money from being unemployed should have been enough to scratch a living temporarily. I was falling behind in all my bills. I was getting nice letters from my credit card companies and other creditors. As it turns out I was being garnished much more than I was supposed to be. The way the system worked I didn't find out until the statements filed in 3 months later. About 1 month too late. I had over $1200.00 credit with the government for child support payments. They apologized and promised me that it would not happen again. Well it did. Every time it happened I was assured that it was the last time. Well my unemployment ran out, this proved to be what it took for the overpayments not to happen. Thanks to my creditors and the government, I am virtually bankrupt with a big black x for my once great credit rating. I had no choice. I knew that I had to claim personal bankruptcy but I wouldn't let myself be defeated and feel the humility of defeat. So I found a company and did a consumer proposal. I am responsible to pay my debt off but only about half of it and interest free. Sure my credit goes down but I feel that I haven't done anything to make myself feel like I am using the system and being “one of them”. Well the battle continues. I am working 2 jobs, live with a friend who is a lifesaver. I see my kid Wednesdays and every other weekend, still pay my example-wife $420.00/month.
Things just never seem to be easy for me. I like to help people, this is how I feel worthy. I met a really pretty girl who I was instantly attracted to. She knew I was divorced and wanted some information. I told her not to do it. I said that it is so much easier to work on fixing the marriage than ending it. Well she assured me that she had spent enough time fixing it but nothing was helping and she was at wits end. So I told her what she needed to do. I even fell in love with her. She is a beautiful person. I love practically everything about her. She has a bad habit of lying and is still technically married but separated for almost 1 year. Otherwise I think she is perfect. I am again worried for myself. I don't feel that I have anything to offer her other than my love, wisdom and my helping hands. She has had the life of a princess with which I cannot compete. If she needs anything I am happy to do it or get it for her. She rewards me by giving me gifts or food. When we are together I feel complete. This is the scary part. I know how my feelings are for her but yet I may not be with her. Her husband is being nice to her again and she has 2 children. She gave him custody of them (I know, how convenient) and she really misses them. So here is the newfound stress in my life. I would marry her in a heartbeat. She is all that to me. Perhaps I am crazy but I have met a few great women over the years and learned that the good ones are very rare. This is one woman whom I will not let go. She may choose not to be with me but then it will be her choice, not mine.
I grew up in the country, not a lot of people around other than family. I am the youngest of three children. I have an older brother and an older sister. My brother is five years older whereas my sister is only three years older. Being in the country meant that there was lots of “family time” and that we were raised as a family. There was never an abundance of money in the household due to the fact that my dad worked and my mom stayed home. My dad has always been a hard worker and he is the reason our family was able to survive. When not at work my dad was doing something for the family. He always cuts wood for the wood burning stove in the basement of tends to the large vegetable garden that they have every year. When given the chance he and my mom would go out to pick wild berries for jam or pies. My mom was also a huge contribution in our survival. She would be busy in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove to preserve some of the garden's bounty or preparing a meal. I remember the first time I ate in a restaurant, I was about 4 years old and my dad had some person come over to help do something in the house he was building. I really can't remember, but, perhaps an electrician. Well anyway, we went to a truckstop that is about 3 miles from the house. I still remember the thrill of eating in a restaurant. Well, unfortunately I have a vivid memory. I remember that when I was a little older somewhere in the range of 7-9 years old I was allowed to go to play at the local community center on Friday evenings between 6 and 9. There wasn't a whole lot to do there except to interact with other kids. Non-family kids! Well there was a snack bar there, they sold pop, chips and chocolate bars each for 25 cents, and red shoestring licorice for 5 cents a piece. Once my mom gave me a bag of pennies to have so when I was here I could buy some treats. I remember the feeling of pride when I was walking around with my bag of pennies and was asked how much money I had in there. I replied with great satisfaction one dollar! I still remember that I didn't even know how much was in the bag but one dollar seemed to be a magical number for me. Well I was nice to have this money because I was usually only given a quarter to appease my addiction for the sweet stuff. Well this is around the time “IT” happened.
One night I was asked by my brother to sleep in the same bed with him. I said no. He said he would give me 10 cents if I did. So I accepted with no hesitation. All I was thinking about was Friday night and those 2 licorice I would buy. I was given the money and nothing happened. It was offered to me again and the next time I gladly accepted the coin. A familiar routine was forming when I would share the same bed as him. It was not too long before he began asking to touch me, down there. Well it was always done with expressions of “trust me” or “I won't hurt you” and numerous ssshhhhhs. To avoid providing the detailed facts let me just say that I was his “toy”. He had his way with me and I haven't been able to accept it since. This routine lasted for about 1 year and the last time I remember it almost happening was when I was playing with my friend Mark and he came to play with us. He had a cabin just in the woods and we were there. He said he was thirsty and sent Mark to get a drink for him. While Mark was gone he tried to get me to give him a quickie. I said no, that Mark would be back soon and catch us, well he was persistent but I was hesitant and resisted, so nothing happened from then on as far as I remember. Well the damage was done. All my life I have failed and continue to do so. I have never had the drive or even the interest to achieve anything of significance. I do have he Midas touch though, except everything I touch turns to shit. I kind of compare myself to Bad Luck Schleprock from “The Flintstones Comedy Hour”. I have all the criteria; a black cloud is always over my head, I look gruesome I have a stupid voice and don't feel like I really belong.
I didn't have sex with a woman until I was 21 and she was quite forceful. It was cheap uninhibited raw sex. I had no experience with the opposite sex and I guess she did not either so it was just plain penis in vagina sex. Even though I didn't deeply care for her, it was great! I had the opportunity weeks prior with a very pretty, tall French girl but I wasn't sure what to do. She even asked my cousin John what was wrong with me because most guys my age just want to fuck. So after this happened my dear cousin John told another friend and his girlfriends sister was there and she is the one. Oddly enough this same cousin John was the reason for my entire high school life to be a ruin. It started in grade 8, the last day of school on the way home on the bus the conversation was about fishing. I wanted to join the conversation so I made up a lie and commented that I once stuck my finger in the mouth of a sucker fish. John lamented “what, you stuck your dick in a sucker fishes mouth”? It was not so amusing to me after being very reserved about my body. However, the others found great humour in it. This rumor spread throughout high school with comments made in my grade 12 yearbook pertaining to this incident. The grief and humiliation that I suffered was mostly unbearable but I persevered. I often wonder how and why. I have thought about suicide lots over the years but either don't have the guts to do it or the time wasn't right. I remember thinking about it years ago and still the same issue looms. If I die, who will clean up all my mess? I am not the tidiest person and I have lots of “stuff” and “loose ends” everywhere. These are some of the biggest factors for me to stay alive. Talk about will to live!
During my college years, I was quiet and reserved. I was not picked on anymore. The sucker incident was behind me now. Instead girls would comment on how quiet and nice I was. They said that I should swear once in a while, so I said “shut up bitch! Who the fuck are you anyway”? This was said with a boyish smirk on my face and the 3 or 4 girls that were there were hysterical. That was where I became introduced to the joys of a good joke. Unfortunately I am sometimes a bit touchy when referred to as a homo. During college I went on spring break to Mexico. While there I met a woman and we married 3 years later. That turned out to be an abusive relationship and we divorced 5 years later.
Now this is a good example of my life. During my marriage my sex life sucked. I was always saying to myself “it will get better”, but it never did. My wife used to hit, scratch punch and kick me. She occasionally threatened my life even. Once she did quite a number on me right in front of our 2-year-old child. Well that night when I finally called them the police despite her pleading me not to. I was previously informed that any signs of domestic violence and the police have to press charges. Well they did not. Even though she admitted to everything. One officer asked the other 2 “what are we going to do guys”? Another officer replied “Let's ask him”. At that exact moment my wife came running into the room on her knees in front of me hands clasped on my knees looking up at me and saying “please don't do it”! One officer asked me “well”? I shrugged my shoulders and then the officer said “we're out of here guys, let's go”. The number of times that the police could have been called before this incident was close to 20. It was at that time about 8:30 p.m. I was asked to leave! The very next evening, a church elder came over to visit, unaware of the previous nights events, witnessed my wife jamming her finger into my chest and questioned the marks on my face and neck. I said “I am fed up, last night I didn't have you charged but this time I will”! The church elder then pulled me aside and proceeded to tell me not to do it. Again I was being controlled! All this power around being used to control me instead of protecting me. Now my lawyer turns out to be a real asshole too. Here is why. I was in a custody battle with my wife over our child. My lawyer said that I must do it because our child will be taken away from me if I don't. The fact being is that I would allow my wife to have the child (joint custody) after knowing what she was capable of doing. He said I have no option, I must go for soul custody. Well a Children's lawyer was acquired for our child. This lawyer set up a date for herself to meet with both me and my lawyer along with my wife and her lawyer. The whole purpose of me having a lawyer was so he could fight for my rights. His knowledge of how the system works and what was fair considering all the shit I was dealt was supposed to be addressed. Well he didn't show up! Apparently his son's car would not start and his son had an exam that day so he let him have his car. Well guess what, I was granted liberal and generous access as per status quo. Oh, did I mention $420.00/month child support. I fired his ass, the new lawyer said the damage has been done. Then I lost my job. I was unemployed and attempted to lower the payments. That turned out to be more difficult than finding a formula to predict prime numbers. Then as my unemployment was being garnished, my bills were falling behind. I looked for a job unsuccessfully and only halfheartedly too I might add. Thanks to the government, they wanted to screw me too. I was finding it impossible to pay my debts. The money from being unemployed should have been enough to scratch a living temporarily. I was falling behind in all my bills. I was getting nice letters from my credit card companies and other creditors. As it turns out I was being garnished much more than I was supposed to be. The way the system worked I didn't find out until the statements filed in 3 months later. About 1 month too late. I had over $1200.00 credit with the government for child support payments. They apologized and promised me that it would not happen again. Well it did. Every time it happened I was assured that it was the last time. Well my unemployment ran out, this proved to be what it took for the overpayments not to happen. Thanks to my creditors and the government, I am virtually bankrupt with a big black x for my once great credit rating. I had no choice. I knew that I had to claim personal bankruptcy but I wouldn't let myself be defeated and feel the humility of defeat. So I found a company and did a consumer proposal. I am responsible to pay my debt off but only about half of it and interest free. Sure my credit goes down but I feel that I haven't done anything to make myself feel like I am using the system and being “one of them”. Well the battle continues. I am working 2 jobs, live with a friend who is a lifesaver. I see my kid Wednesdays and every other weekend, still pay my example-wife $420.00/month.
Things just never seem to be easy for me. I like to help people, this is how I feel worthy. I met a really pretty girl who I was instantly attracted to. She knew I was divorced and wanted some information. I told her not to do it. I said that it is so much easier to work on fixing the marriage than ending it. Well she assured me that she had spent enough time fixing it but nothing was helping and she was at wits end. So I told her what she needed to do. I even fell in love with her. She is a beautiful person. I love practically everything about her. She has a bad habit of lying and is still technically married but separated for almost 1 year. Otherwise I think she is perfect. I am again worried for myself. I don't feel that I have anything to offer her other than my love, wisdom and my helping hands. She has had the life of a princess with which I cannot compete. If she needs anything I am happy to do it or get it for her. She rewards me by giving me gifts or food. When we are together I feel complete. This is the scary part. I know how my feelings are for her but yet I may not be with her. Her husband is being nice to her again and she has 2 children. She gave him custody of them (I know, how convenient) and she really misses them. So here is the newfound stress in my life. I would marry her in a heartbeat. She is all that to me. Perhaps I am crazy but I have met a few great women over the years and learned that the good ones are very rare. This is one woman whom I will not let go. She may choose not to be with me but then it will be her choice, not mine.
