All over the place (Moodswings)

[Archnut]

Shit, shit, shit, Fuck it.

Im currently changing medication and have to come off Clomipramine before I can go back on Prozac. My moods are all over the place one minute Im as high as a kite and the nextfuck it. Im having really weird dreams not about abuse but featuring nearly everyone I met in the early to mid nineteen seventies. My night sweats are back and I just want to scream. I really feel there is something physically wrong with me, thats my hypocondria, Im terrified of dropping dead at any second. I go about my daily routine and think whilst doing the normal everyday things will this be the last cup of tea Ill ever make, my last thought at night (if not about my abusers) is will I see the morning, that has fucked up my sleep pattern and leaves me wide open and suggestive to triggers and flashbacks. I have never lived straight as I always have some sort of chemical whizzing around my body regardless whether its legal or not, I havent a clue what reality is and at 48 I dont think I ever will. The trouble with this bloody behaviour is I get tired, I cant sleep, I get angry and usually go on the piss. Anything to take away this constant fear I have. I dont like to go out and I dont like to be left alone, especially when having a shower for some obscure reason. These fears have only just started revealing themselves over the last week. Im also due to see a new clinical psychologist next week so here we go yet again, my life story from the beginning for..Ive forgotten how many times I have done this and Im just getting very pissed off with it, which is bloody stupid cause Im obsessed with my abuse and abusers.

The word balance keeps coming to me, but what the fuck is that?

Archnut
And all that was left was hope

My Story (Triggers)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com

 

[Aden]

Switching drugs can do that to you. Hang in there! That may not be a deep insight, but there isnt much else you can do.

I get pretty tired of this crap too, and would really like to get out. Suicide is beyond my ability. So when ever that feeling comes over me that this might just be the BIG ONE, a wave of peace comes over me. There is some comfort in the thought that I may not have to fight this battle for another day. That kind of thinking sounds very negative, but the effect is quite the opposite. I start to have these feeling of gratitude because I know that there WILL come an end to this trial. By embracing our eventually certain fate, we can dispel this momentary fear.

Pretty warped, but it works for me.

Aden

 

[Dan88]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulty. I can really relate to the thinking about death stuff. When I'm really in a funk, it always comes back to the matter of regrets over what I haven't done in my life coupled with fear. Time running out. My body's not holding up like it did when I was young. Etc. And of course, that's a super productive way to spend my time.

Good luck with the new doc. I know what you mean about how daunting it is to keep retelling your story. I had a therapist tell me once I might want to try telling my story to a new person every day for a year. I nearly collapsed and he laughed at the expression on my face. He got the reaction he wanted, which was to point out that I need to accept the past and not attach any shame to it. Yeah, well, that's something for me to work on I suppose.

Take care of yourself.
Dan