"All men are potential rapists"

"All men are potential rapists"
Anyone else ever heard that one?

I heard it from my women's studies professor at college. I struggled with it a week before I decided, unfortunately, that maybe it was true, and thinking that way led directly to years of gaslighting by my ex and her physically, emotionally, and sexually abusing me.

If only I'd never heard that lie. And it's nothing but a lie, because it leads inevitably to a false binary that sexual abuse is ONLY one single way: men abuse women. Which leads inevitably to this conclusion: Men are bad. Women are good.

That's
the only conclusion you can really draw from a statement like "all men are potential rapists." That's saying all men are criminals at heart, or that all men want to hurt women. And at core, it's really saying that men - and not women - are evil.

I went through life while I was being abused thinking I was an abuser because I believed all men are potential rapists. Women, like my ex-wife, could never abuse because they are the "good" gender.

A statement closer to the truth MIGHT be "Anyone is a potential rapist," taking gender out if it entirely. But I don't think even THAT is true. I think there are people of ALL genders who would never, ever rape. And I think I am one of them.
 
This is patently stupid and untrue, I might as well claim that because there are alcoholics in America, all Americans are potential alcoholics.

Then again, it's not the first time I've heard such blatantly misandric crap (found it in a seemingly innocuous article about horses in fantasy, then again more recently in a fantasy book series I reviewed), and my lady even ran across a man supporting this attitude on a reread column she looks at regularly. People will go on saying such things and being listened to whatever though, it's just the way the world works.

I would like to say something encouraging, but there's nothing encouraging I can really say. Obviously not all women believe this, but equally obviously, the ones who are pushing this agenda and the so called "woke", men who actually subscribe to it are in the majority and shouting loudest, and it's always the loudest shouts that dictate how the world works.

yeah, I get it, it sucks (to borrow an American expression), is about all I can really say at this stage, which is why I deleted my first reply to this topic.

Luke.
 
That is stupid. Put out by people who are actually rapists - of the mind. They prey on vulnerable people and twist their minds. It is disgusting.
 
Thanks Luke and Jim. I'm just so sick of thinking about this. It's so important to me to be a good person that the thought of someone just assuming I'm evil for absolutely no reason feels devastating. I wish I could just not care.
 
When I was taking lit. in college, I was in a women's author class. We were going over a chapter in the book (the guy was bound and the woman was sexually abusing him) yeah he was a dick in the book to her, but still...
I mentioned that she was raping him, and the class turned on me saying she was only taking her "Power" back. Only one woman in the class sided with me. I was told a women couldn't rape men (this was early mid 1990's. I said they could and it happened to me. the professor then told me that if I was going to start trouble, to find another class. So I had to sit there quietly, while being told once again in my life that I wanted it.
 
@4women, in early 2002, I was attending a so called lecture on sexual ethics. This was part of my second year philosophy module on applied ethics, part of my philosophy degree.
The lecturer opened with the words "It is a scientifically proven fact that %70 of men would rape a woman if they couldd", then went on to a massive diatribe about how all men were rapists, and how the only "ethical", way a man could have sex was if he lay back, did nothing and gave all power to women.

She did admit that because men were so evil, occasionally men would rape other men, though only in situations like prisons when there were no women available, since the basic impulse of men was to rape women (yes she really said this).

This btw, was an introductory lecture, given to a bunch of twenty year olds, and part of f a general module on ethical issues such as euthanasia and environmental ethics.

I remember I literally froze, and was unable to write notes anymore.
The horrible lecturer, when leaving the room even stopped and said "you! are you alright! what is your problem!" to me in a down right challenging way, obviously picking up how much she'd bothered me, and daring me to be upset.

Said lecturer was literally a sociopath, and got up to all sorts of shenanigans (she even used to bad mouth her own daughter to lecture theatres full of 200 students), and she eventually died in 2013 at the age of 53, (I don't think anyone missed her, including her daughter). What is worrying though, is that while she was literally a sociopath, views like hers, which previously would be a lunatic fringe, are now mainstream and accepted, and however much you try to avoid them because they're triggering, you can't help running into them in the most innocuous places.

I admit, misandry and powerlessness are major triggers for me, since being shamed into not defending myself was such a major part of my abuse, I was just supposed to sit there and let girls do what they want in public, because it was wrong to touch girls.

Then again, there is fuck all I can do about the situation now anyway, the idiots and misandric bitches get the platform, and to disagree with the majority is blasphemy.

fuck humanity!

Luke.
 
My professor told me all men were potential rapists about 1992 or so. It's clear things have gotten much worse for men in a university environment since then, in the name of trying to keep university men from raping or abusing university women. The proliferation of alcohol and other drugs and the lack of adequate sex education in high school makes everyone of every gender do things they possibly shouldn't, but only men (and more often non-White men) are made to pay a price.

For a over a decade under Title IX here in the USA, men could be expelled from a university without due process simply on a word from a woman - and not even necessarily the woman he supposedly abused. (In theory, accused women could also be expelled, but in practice I never heard of that happening even once.) Things have gotten better on that front very recently but will most likely be changing back shortly.

I hope my son finds something else to do and doesn't want go to college. However, I suspect he's made of stronger stuff than I was, and if someone tells him he's a potential rapist, he'll just laugh it off instead of take it to heart like I did.
 
It's also incredibly depressing to hear "all men are potential rapists" because it completely, entirely erases men as victims. A man who is automatically considered to be a rapist is never going to be listened to when he says he is a victim, because only women are allowed to be victims.
 
My first perpetrator was my mother when I was an infant and the trauma was sexual as well as emotional. It has been important for me to be part of this forum and acknowledge the reality that both men and women can traumatize others. We read the stories here and on other forums.

Along the way I worked with a woman friend who had been traumatized sexually by both her father and brother to create an Overeaters Anonymous meeting for childhood trauma survivors to work on food related challenges while holding space open to acknowledge the reality of trauma in their lives. This woman had known me for eight or nine years before we began our collaboration. She told me how she'd come to accept that I might be a safe person with whom to work. We shared our pasts more deeply than had ever happened at a regular OA meeting and were able to get the meeting started. At face-to-face meetings I was generally the only man in the room with five or six women. We didn't go very deeply into trauma related issues but we were meeting each week and getting to know one another better. Then COVID hit and the face-to-face meeting stopped and some bright people arranged for us to meet with Zoom. It only took a few weeks before people from all over the United States showed up for the meeting... many of whom were men. These were strangers and more than one woman spoke to me about their discomfort being in a meeting talking about trauma with men present. I think at least one friend gave up on the meeting for that reason, but the meeting continues with a mix of men and women sharing.

I understand Strange that you need to talk about these things. I take that as your way of moving beyond the trauma you experienced. Personally, I'm not inclined to focus on these matters since simply getting through each day keeps me busy. Finding compassion, exercising care for myself, being kind to friends, supporting men here who are struggling with their demons... is my work. You have the opportunity to provide an example for your son of what it means to meet life beyond the trauma of the past. It sounds as though he has the resilience to meet life, which is heartening. A parent really can't ask for more than that. All the best to you both.
 
@Strangeways, I'm afraid this is another reason I'm sincerely glad I never have, and never will have children (my lady couldn't even if we wanted them), since how I would actually explain to my son that no, he is not automatically evil, or how I would explain to my daughter that no, a man wasn't raping her by looking at her, I don't know.

Then again, if I ever did have children, I'd probably end up in jail for bugging the school, since I'd be so paranoid about what might be happening to them at the hands of teachers or other students, be they male or female.

so, hats off to anyone who actually is! trying to be a parent, especially at the moment.

Luke.
 
I think all men are not rapist. Women commit sexual abuse against a child, these are rapists and not all women are rapists. It took be a lifetime to say I was raped. Never believing a boy could be raped. Always heard women are raped not men (boys). The rape creates pain, denial, hurt, burying along with so many negative emotions, images and psychological issues. I had felt alone for so long as I grappled with accepting my rape--it was rape, painful emotionally and physically. I thought I deserved it--I now accept I did not and those that ever say to me it did not occur or get over it, I say you are ignorant and lack a heart and compassion. It is for this reason I do not believe all men and women are rapists--it is only those that commit the act and those that rape the soul with denials of the words of a survivor, those that choose to abuse a survivor because they make the survivor relive the abuse over and over. For me no one will ever rape me again with the act or their words of denial and actions of abuse and abandonment. Only that know love, can admit their faults as I have, those that accept people for who they are, accept and believe people as survivors, people who struggle each day will be part of my life. It is love of one or many that has made me realize my rape is part of me and will not define me because they know, accept my past and see me for the person I truly am.


Kevin
 
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All, I very much appreciate your replies.

I talked about why this is bothering me so much with my therapist last night and I came to the conclusion that I have a problem with shame. For whatever reason shame is easy for me to take on - I remember being a small child, hearing about original sin for the first time from the nuns in my Catholic school, and feeling such shame.

I am going to try to work on self-compassion as a method of healing this misplaced shame.
 
As trauma survivors we find myriad ways to shame ourselves Strange and the faith of our childhood can give us opportunities to do so. Every Sunday at the Lutheran church I attended the congregation said "I am by nature sinful and unclean." That was very hard to hear given how as a teenager I was acting out the residue of trauma. I needed to leave the church when I went away to university, but the shame lingered for decades. Self-compassion and self-care offer a powerful antidote to shame and feelings of worthlessness. We deserve more. Be gentle with yourself my friend..
 
All, I very much appreciate your replies.

I talked about why this is bothering me so much with my therapist last night and I came to the conclusion that I have a problem with shame. For whatever reason shame is easy for me to take on - I remember being a small child, hearing about original sin for the first time from the nuns in my Catholic school, and feeling such shame.

I am going to try to work on self-compassion as a method of healing this misplaced shame.
Shame is one of the tactics our abusers use to keep us from talking in the first place.
 
I've heard this as well, ever since I was a kid. My mother (and primary abuser) believed that stuff hook, line and sinker. Then I heard it in high school, and even more-so in college--in literature classes, anthropology classes, creative writing classes . . . Given, unfortunately, what colleges / universities have become (prone to ideological orthodoxy rather than studious, truly liberal inquiry), it doesn't surprise me.

I think why this phrase is so triggering for me is twofold: one, it absolutely silences victims (male and female) of female-perpetrated rape (and sexual / physical abuse is high in lesbian relationships, but nobody talks about that). Two, it's also incredibly sexist, and usually in the mouths of the people who claim to be "anti-sexist". And when I, as a man, attempt to point this out, then I'm all the -isty, -phoby words and a terrible person by default.

Actually, there was an extremely disturbing example in one of my counseling classes . . . we were asked to respond to a hypothetical situation where someone in group therapy asks for a hug, a man (another member of the group) hugs her (yep) and gets an erection in the process, but neither he nor she lets go. And unfortunately the entire class immediately jumped on "OMG erection bad, he's a sexual predator, we have to keep her safe!"

Equally disturbing was an article I read, "advice" for massage therapists when male clients get erections. The first thing was "Make sure that you're safe, and leave if you have to." Most of the comments unfortunately backed this up, although one lady basically said "You're all idiots. Penises get hard. Get over it." Bless her heart.

As if everyone has apparently forgotten that erections are involuntary, autonomic responses, particularly to touch or relaxation (or fear or . . . ). And that they are not always sexual, let alone--le gasp--a sign that a man is a rapist.

For fudge's sake . . .

Anyway. It breaks my heart that this idiocy, and incredibly damaging, sexist information, is being propagated . . . but am I surprised? Not really.

TL;DR: I feel your pain, @Strangeways, I really do.
 
all men are rapists, but I can’t find any to date because none of them take the initiative, snd they’re so full of toxic masculinity but they never make the first move and they’re all a bunch of predators but they aren’t rough enough in the bedroom they act like I’m made out of China and they’re too into their mom and they won’t take commitment seriously and they’re too Klingy and .....
 
@4women, in early 2002, I was attending a so called lecture on sexual ethics. This was part of my second year philosophy module on applied ethics, part of my philosophy degree.
The lecturer opened with the words "It is a scientifically proven fact that %70 of men would rape a woman if they couldd", then went on to a massive diatribe about how all men were rapists, and how the only "ethical", way a man could have sex was if he lay back, did nothing and gave all power to women.

She did admit that because men were so evil, occasionally men would rape other men, though only in situations like prisons when there were no women available, since the basic impulse of men was to rape women (yes she really said this).

This btw, was an introductory lecture, given to a bunch of twenty year olds, and part of f a general module on ethical issues such as euthanasia and environmental ethics.

I remember I literally froze, and was unable to write notes anymore.
The horrible lecturer, when leaving the room even stopped and said "you! are you alright! what is your problem!" to me in a down right challenging way, obviously picking up how much she'd bothered me, and daring me to be upset.

Said lecturer was literally a sociopath, and got up to all sorts of shenanigans (she even used to bad mouth her own daughter to lecture theatres full of 200 students), and she eventually died in 2013 at the age of 53, (I don't think anyone missed her, including her daughter). What is worrying though, is that while she was literally a sociopath, views like hers, which previously would be a lunatic fringe, are now mainstream and accepted, and however much you try to avoid them because they're triggering, you can't help running into them in the most innocuous places.

I admit, misandry and powerlessness are major triggers for me, since being shamed into not defending myself was such a major part of my abuse, I was just supposed to sit there and let girls do what they want in public, because it was wrong to touch girls.

Then again, there is fuck all I can do about the situation now anyway, the idiots and misandric bitches get the platform, and to disagree with the majority is blasphemy.

fuck humanity!

Luke.
Dealing with crazy professors is a nightmare. I had a feminist English professor who hated me based on a couple stereotypes she had about me. She tried burying me in the grade lol but I managed to get through it. I nuked her in the student review then they made her professor of the year.
 
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