Originally posted by Don-NY: August 30, 2002
Help me out here guys. There are lies we were told, lies we absorbed, and lies we told ourselves in order to cope.
We've learned better now. So let's just list them here. List something that YOU NOW KNOW IS NOT TRUE AND NEVER WAS!!!!!!
What I know is a lie can help you. What you know is a lie can help me. Please help me.
No need for comments, just list them like this.
THIS IS A LIE:
I can't tell anyone what happened to me.
THIS IS A LIE:
I am a dirty, nasty, sick, perverted little freak.
THIS IS A LIE:
I can't do [whatever], because I might have a good time and feel happy, and I don't deserve to.
THIS IS A LIE:
I will never be able to manage this or my life.
Sat., 7/10/04 -PM
Aden, please don't let this thread sadden you. This is not a thread of sorrow and sadness, it's a thread of strength, victory and Truth.
We declare that Truth by proclaiming and naming the LIES. This is about what we believed, not what we believe. This is about what we have gotten over or know we will. It is about what we have beaten, not what has beaten us.
So then, it's almost two years since I started this post. I was about 2 weeks away from the NOMSV retreat in Dawn Manor, NY. Lovely name that, isn't it? So evocative, Dawn Manor.
I get up between 5 and 5:30 each day, except on weekends, although I was up at 5:20 this morning. I just couldn't wait to be awake, aware and alive. Couldn't wait.
I was at the shore before they start collecting parking fees. I read the paper on the sand while the gulls went from trash barrel to trash barrel looking for a bite.
I spent a few hours at my store, in which I have been a behind the scenes partner since it opened last fall. This morning there was a mad rush while I was there so I actually cut 12 rolls, spread mustard or mayo on some, and wrapped the finished products. I only had to unwrap six to find the ham I had labeled turkey.
At that point, it was decided I should resume my normal role, so I had an egg/ham/cheese on a roll and coffee. Oh and I got my windex and wiped all the chrome and glass within my reach.
Then I went and had my stitches out. AOK. Then I got the car washed, came home and did the dishes (gross - I let them pile up all week. But HEY, it's summer and the weather has been
delicious, so I excuse the mess.)
Back to the store for a bit, and then when I went to leave, my battery was dead. Not just discharged, dead useless. Took the old one in and I still had 44% of the value left on the warranty so a replacement was reduced $22. And I thought I wasn't lucky!
Two years since I started this and I thought it's a good time to check up on my originals, so here goes.
I can't tell anyone what happened to me.
When I wrote this I had already told 6 human beings, at various time through the years, most of them were fairly recently: 2 therapists (one was current), the only woman I ever had a physical relationship with, my longest-term friend, Rosemary (I'm not allowed to say "oldest friend", even though she is), a friend from work, Liz (I was actually in the middle of a long leave from work), and my friend JR, who had moved to Seattle and gotten married.
Since then I have told a few others. I'll just list them, in order told.
First was the 50 or so people at Dawn Manor, including the owners and staff there, who would know why I was there.
Next I count the 9 men in my small group at the retreat. I told them everything.
Back to the list:
- My Aunt and Uncle within a week of the retreat.
- Another work friend, Christine, my lunch/break partner, confidante, and audience.
- My mom.
- My doctor (well before the DRE).
- I will include each and every one who reads these forums although this is different than face to face; it still counts.
I'm pretty sure there will be others I might feel I can or should tell. I have no fear of doing so.
I am a dirty, nasty, sick, perverted little freak.
I'll still claim title to Freak, but I use that word in a most loving and positive way. In the good way, like now I'm a Truth-Freak or a Justice-Freak.
But I'm not sick, dirty, nasty or perverted, never was. Well, no more than anyone else can be at times. We've all had our moments I suppose. I accept mine, and I accept my responsibilty for how I acted and will act.
I can't do [whatever], because I might have a good time and feel happy, and I don't deserve to.
This is just bullshit, always was. When I look back and think of the things I have done well and right and true; when I consider the things I haven't done wrong, even though I could have very easily, I know I deserve the best. I've worked hard to be able to have what I need and want, and I will have it all, so long as I hurt no other.
Now, bring me your finest meats and cheeses. And where are the dancers?
I will never be able to manage this or my life.
Wrong and wrong. Every day is proof that I can manage this all quite well, thank you. I still have my, shall we say, "effects", but honestly it's mostly from inertia now and normal hesitations, or the feeling that "Ok, I can wait a bit for this. This ISN'T as urgent or disastrous as I can make it seem to be."
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So all you guys who have joined since this post was started and haven't posted here yet, give it a shot.
Say it. Tell me the lies you KNOW you will get beyond. Say it even if you don't yet quite believe that they are Lies.
Name them. Drag them out into the light and watch them shrivel away.
I've been a hit-and-run poster here for some time now. I don't get into "conversations" and discussions. I make a point, I tell a story, maybe I pose a question.
I watch. I listen. I learn. I hope that sometimes I help and maybe teach too.
There will never be another one,
Like You.
There will never be another one,
Who can,
Do the things you do.
Will you give another chance?
Will you try, little try?
Please stop and you remember
We were together, anyway, all right
-- The Doors, Shaman's Blues
