All Lies...........

All Lies...........
My heart is breaking after reading all of this. I can only add one more lie.

The lie of omission. The one implied. The lie you knew in your heart before the act was committed. The truth they never told you. The big lie. The real reason you feel so bad.

I think that maybe there is only one lie. and that one lie is what torments us.
 
Originally posted by Don-NY: August 30, 2002
Help me out here guys. There are lies we were told, lies we absorbed, and lies we told ourselves in order to cope.

We've learned better now. So let's just list them here. List something that YOU NOW KNOW IS NOT TRUE AND NEVER WAS!!!!!!

What I know is a lie can help you. What you know is a lie can help me. Please help me.

No need for comments, just list them like this.

THIS IS A LIE:
I can't tell anyone what happened to me.

THIS IS A LIE:
I am a dirty, nasty, sick, perverted little freak.

THIS IS A LIE:
I can't do [whatever], because I might have a good time and feel happy, and I don't deserve to.

THIS IS A LIE:
I will never be able to manage this or my life.
Sat., 7/10/04 -PM

Aden, please don't let this thread sadden you. This is not a thread of sorrow and sadness, it's a thread of strength, victory and Truth.

We declare that Truth by proclaiming and naming the LIES. This is about what we believed, not what we believe. This is about what we have gotten over or know we will. It is about what we have beaten, not what has beaten us.

So then, it's almost two years since I started this post. I was about 2 weeks away from the NOMSV retreat in Dawn Manor, NY. Lovely name that, isn't it? So evocative, Dawn Manor.

I get up between 5 and 5:30 each day, except on weekends, although I was up at 5:20 this morning. I just couldn't wait to be awake, aware and alive. Couldn't wait.

I was at the shore before they start collecting parking fees. I read the paper on the sand while the gulls went from trash barrel to trash barrel looking for a bite.

I spent a few hours at my store, in which I have been a behind the scenes partner since it opened last fall. This morning there was a mad rush while I was there so I actually cut 12 rolls, spread mustard or mayo on some, and wrapped the finished products. I only had to unwrap six to find the ham I had labeled turkey.

At that point, it was decided I should resume my normal role, so I had an egg/ham/cheese on a roll and coffee. Oh and I got my windex and wiped all the chrome and glass within my reach.

Then I went and had my stitches out. AOK. Then I got the car washed, came home and did the dishes (gross - I let them pile up all week. But HEY, it's summer and the weather has been delicious, so I excuse the mess.)

Back to the store for a bit, and then when I went to leave, my battery was dead. Not just discharged, dead useless. Took the old one in and I still had 44% of the value left on the warranty so a replacement was reduced $22. And I thought I wasn't lucky!

Two years since I started this and I thought it's a good time to check up on my originals, so here goes.


I can't tell anyone what happened to me.
When I wrote this I had already told 6 human beings, at various time through the years, most of them were fairly recently: 2 therapists (one was current), the only woman I ever had a physical relationship with, my longest-term friend, Rosemary (I'm not allowed to say "oldest friend", even though she is), a friend from work, Liz (I was actually in the middle of a long leave from work), and my friend JR, who had moved to Seattle and gotten married.

Since then I have told a few others. I'll just list them, in order told.

First was the 50 or so people at Dawn Manor, including the owners and staff there, who would know why I was there.

Next I count the 9 men in my small group at the retreat. I told them everything.

Back to the list:
  • My Aunt and Uncle within a week of the retreat.
  • Another work friend, Christine, my lunch/break partner, confidante, and audience.
  • My mom.
  • My doctor (well before the DRE).
  • I will include each and every one who reads these forums although this is different than face to face; it still counts.

I'm pretty sure there will be others I might feel I can or should tell. I have no fear of doing so.

I am a dirty, nasty, sick, perverted little freak.
I'll still claim title to Freak, but I use that word in a most loving and positive way. In the good way, like now I'm a Truth-Freak or a Justice-Freak.

But I'm not sick, dirty, nasty or perverted, never was. Well, no more than anyone else can be at times. We've all had our moments I suppose. I accept mine, and I accept my responsibilty for how I acted and will act.

I can't do [whatever], because I might have a good time and feel happy, and I don't deserve to.
This is just bullshit, always was. When I look back and think of the things I have done well and right and true; when I consider the things I haven't done wrong, even though I could have very easily, I know I deserve the best. I've worked hard to be able to have what I need and want, and I will have it all, so long as I hurt no other.

Now, bring me your finest meats and cheeses. And where are the dancers?

I will never be able to manage this or my life.
Wrong and wrong. Every day is proof that I can manage this all quite well, thank you. I still have my, shall we say, "effects", but honestly it's mostly from inertia now and normal hesitations, or the feeling that "Ok, I can wait a bit for this. This ISN'T as urgent or disastrous as I can make it seem to be."


********************************************

So all you guys who have joined since this post was started and haven't posted here yet, give it a shot.

Say it. Tell me the lies you KNOW you will get beyond. Say it even if you don't yet quite believe that they are Lies.

Name them. Drag them out into the light and watch them shrivel away.

I've been a hit-and-run poster here for some time now. I don't get into "conversations" and discussions. I make a point, I tell a story, maybe I pose a question.

I watch. I listen. I learn. I hope that sometimes I help and maybe teach too.

There will never be another one,
Like You.
There will never be another one,
Who can,
Do the things you do.

Will you give another chance?
Will you try, little try?
Please stop and you remember
We were together, anyway, all right

-- The Doors, Shaman's Blues
 
EDIT

For some reason I can't edit the above just now, but near the end, I meant to say


5 minutes later......

Well, now i"ve edited, but I can't delete this post.

Se la vie.
 
Don
what a terrific update on this truly wonderful post.
It's so good to read your new ideas and perceptions after all this time, you've come a long way my friend.

Someday this post should be printed into a booklet for all Survivors to read and gain inspiration from, because it still inspires me.

Dave
 
"You're fruitycakes!"

You can never be whole. You can never have a real relationship.

Bullshit!
 
Wow! What a fantastic thread. I am so glad it was brought back.

Well, here goes:

Lie 1

You were a man, take it like a man.

Lie 2

Women never rape men.

Lie 3

Because female offender / male victim sexual assaults are rare they (and I) should be ignored.

Lie 4

Crying is for sissies.

jw
 
Implied:

1. No one else but me likes you. Everyone else thinks you're weird.
2. You'll like it.
3. I deserve to do this to you.
 
WARNING! STRONG LANGUAGE AND TRIGGERS!


More lies the bastard told me:

I want you with me all the time. I want pictures of my "son." I won't let anyone else hurt you. I'll never hurt you like that.

You broke them all, you Goddamn useless goodfornothing motherfucker!

I hope you're either in Hell, or I can have the chance to put you there. You AND your sick friend!

You can't die enough times, or none too painfully, for me. There will never be a balancing you sick evil fuck.

Let God damn me if He wants, I just want to see you go first, prick!

Screw that, I want to be the one who throws your ass in!

THAT would satisfy me. And maybe you knowing how much I truly fucking hate you.

FUCK YOU, MR. PRICE, YOU LYING MOTHERFUCKER!


:mad: :mad: :mad:

Scot
 
Just my two cents:

This is a lie:
God has special rules for minsters

This is a lie:
I am unlovable

This is a lie:
Life is ugly and unpleasant

This is a lie:
You're best off doing what your parents tell you

This is a lie:
There is no hope
 
well everyone, this is my first time posting, but i think its time, this is a really increadible thread and I thought I would give it a shot...

Lie: you could have stopped him
Lie: your fine
Lie: it didn't really happen
Lie: your weak, and being weak makes in your fault
Lie: your overreacting, it was in the past, move on
Lie: being strong is the only way survive
Lie: if you cry, it will make you weaker than you already are
Lie: you will be alright

these are all lies I have told myself or am still telling myself, even posting them as lies, I still can't see them for that.

collegecap
 
Originally posted by collegecapricorn:
well everyone, this is my first time posting, but i think its time, this is a really increadible thread and I thought I would give it a shot...
This is a great thread. Glad you posted CC! :)
 
Maybe I've already posted these before, but I'm just feeling anger and fury with this.

LIE: if you let me do this I won't hurt anyone else. LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE FUCKING LIE

leosha
 
There's some new guys here who I'm sure will have some lies to add to this long list, so I'm bumping it back up.

The lies live with us for a long long time, and we somewhere to dump them. Thank you Don for starting this post and giving us that dumping ground.

Dave
 
Lies

Do this and I won't hurt your sister.

I love you

It's okay, you'll thank me oneday

That never happened, you're a little perverted boy. You're the liar.

You're beautiful

Real men don't cry

Don't fight it, it will feel good.


my truth-You're a lying son of a bitch, not me! I never wanted any of that! Why did yo do that to me?? :( :mad:
 
The only lie I manage here, is to delete what i really mean, and just get hurt all my life by not telling what the real lie is, and when I do tell it, nobody really think it is any big deal.
Try it someday, and say why i still have nightmares and no sleep.
Yeh, I am an adult, but you make me feel dirty and diseasded, and yeah i was, because that is what you put in my mind, and it not go away.
You take away my childhood, and you take me away from being normal adult so he hurt all his life.

ste
 
Lies my perps told me:

Just this time and then no more, I promise.

You liked it.

Friends do this.

Let me try this one time and if it hurts, I'll stop.

I won't tell anyone! (told about 3-4 more guys I ended up being abused by for 4 yrs.)

All you're good for is head.

You tell and everyone on this island will know you let a guy f#* you.

I'll shoot you if you even make a sound. I don't have anything to lose.

See, you must like it, you came (orgasm).

You're lucky, I usually take pictures, but I don't have a camera with me.

What a freak!


Lies I told myself:

Just this one time and they will leave me alone.

I must have liked it, I came.

I'm lucky, he didn't have a camera, so no pictures.

Some friends must do this.

I must have done something to turn him on.

Keep it all inside, maybe it'll all go away if you ignore it long enough.

The name of the game is moving on. (get over it)

What a freak!

All you're good for is head.

You're a slut, Rich. Deal with it.

You're trash.

You don't really deserve better.

If you live long enough, you'll forget it.
 
The lies that I was told were in numerous forms of abuse,

1. S/A lies I was told:

You liked it cause your body responded to it

If you let me suck it, it'll get bigger like mine

I did it to you, now you've got to do it to me - it's only fair...

all boys do this - but they don't talk about it

People will think you're a fag if you tell

This is our little secret This is our 'special' thing - if you tell nobodys going to believe you

2. P/A lies I was told:

Boys don't cry (not allowed to make a single sound as I was being beaten)

I'm only doing this too you cause I love you

You made me do that to you to keep you 'in line'

I'll kill you if you ever try to get away again (not allowed to move a muscle - just stand there and take it like a man)

3. M/A lies I was told:

You're so worthless - You never should of been born

You are such a disgrace to me - can't you do 'anything' right

You'll always be my 'little failure'

You're too dumb to ever amount to anything

Why can't you be smart - like your brother (he got A's - I got D's)

Males don't ever show their feelings - ever...

Never question your elders - never...

What happens in the family stays in the family

4. And The Biggest Lie I Was Ever Taught :

It's all Your Fault! - You caused Everything to happen to You!

Too many years of too many LIES... - sad that it's taken me 30+ years to realize that I was 'raised on lies'

TJ jeff
 
Thanks for bringing this thread out of archive,

All lies,

he will get over it,
he is not quite right upstairs
you are a freak of nature
its all your fault! (Again)
you dont love me!
you are not my child
i send you to a home
you cause all the trouble!
why is he like that?

there is loads more, but they were all f*ckin lies,

ste
 
Lies I made myself believe and still do sometimes.

You deserved it
You gave him that idea and made it okay
You didn't fight back enough so he kept going
No one will want you
You made your dad leave, you went a long with it and thats why he left. He doesn't want a son like you.
I'm okay, nothing happened. I close my eyes and pretend nothing happened. Someone asks about the cuts? Say you got attacked by a cat, yeah, no one can see through that.
He can't hurt you, hide under your blankets and he won't hurt you. If you turn on the lights he'll shrivel up and go away.

Damn, I'm naive.
 
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