All e All e in Free

All e All e in Free
J

JamesMichael

Registrant
Remember when you were a kid playing hide and seek. Everyone would be out hiding, and a parental figure type would call it quits. "It's time to come in now. Game's over." Well, then everyone could come out of hiding with no penalty...whatever that may have been.

I've recently begun to call old friends from college on the telephone to tell them about my abuse then by a Catholic priest. Each friend represents a part or side of me that I was when I was with that individual. Each friend mirrors back to me Who I was then and am now. The thought of calling each of them and telling them is like putting the fractured parts of mySelf back together. All in Free. All of Me in Free. All of Me Coming Out of Hiding...to Tell What was Happening even as we Walked and Talked together. I'm breaking the Silence and it feels so good.

All e All e in Free!

JM
 
I've thought about doing what you are doing. I'm scared of how people will react. I'm scared that those closest to me will have to start at the beginning (dealing with it) and drag me along me for the ride (again). I'm scared my parents will blame themselves--even though they had nothing to do with my abuse.
As scared as I am, I have an incredible need to tell people. I've told complete strangers, but can't tell my family.
How did you begin to tell your friend?
 
Dear New,

My history consists of two periods of abuse. One occurred in childhood. The other during my first year of college. I'm contacting the family of friends I had when I was in college...26 years ago. They're a safe, loving group of people. I trust them to at least listen. I do not suggest taking unnecessary risks and thereby revictimizing yourself by telling people you discern will not respond favorably to what you have to say. I confronted by oldest brother 20 years ago, and while it was a validating experience for me, it did not improve the overall family situation by any means. Since then, I realize that my father, mother, and other brothers are also culpable. I've yet to approach them. I probably will, but only after a lot of serious preparation.

The situation with the college friends is different. They weren't involved in the abuses. They're just folks I know now who really love and care about me.

Don't be afraid to risk, but be cautious.

Be a protector as well as a warrior for the child within.

I hope this helps.

JM
 
Thanks.
My abuse was 28 years ago(I was 12), so nearly everyone that I know only knows me as the victim. I guess I want the whole world to know that I'm not the victim anymore, that I acted the way I did because of the abuse and that it was not my fault.
Maybe this has more to do with me accepting myself than vindicating myself. I'm still very confused about all of this.
The abuse I remembered(three weeks ago today) seems almost trivial. But I completely blocked it out for 28 years. I'm certian that there was more--much worse. I have symptoms and clues of more traumatic abuse, so I'm still looking for answers.
I didn't mean to ramble on, but I guess thats what I needed right now.
Thanks again.
Devon
 
Does everyone you know KNOW you were a victim, or do they know the you that adapted to the victimization? If it's the latter, (and that's my hunch) then I can empathize. No one (that I know of) knew of my childhood vicitmization, but they certainly related to the hurt person(ality) that was the result. No one, including myself, got to know the real me. That's the struggle of the recovering, or should I say, uncovering.

The abuse you remembered a few weeks ago may seem trivial, but it is nevertheless profound. I recently had a flashback when I brushed my hand against a day's growth of beard on my face. It reminded me of my abuser rubbing his face against mine when I was seven years old. It was one more piece to add to the puzzle. For sure, there's a lot more there than any of us can remember; however, articulating every bit either through spoken or written word further constructs what we experienced. So, no, there's no rambling here.

I think you're on the right track in spite of your stated confusion.

Keep the thread going if you'd like.

JamesMichael
 
Your hunch was right. That's what is so great about this site--you knew what I meant.
My repression was so complete I didn't know I was a victim, but I acted the part. I didn't know who I really was, and no one else did either.

Will telling people why I acted and behaved like I did make it easier for me to accept myself, or am I headed in the wrong direction here?
 
I think telling people the truth about what happened to you will make it clearer to you what exactly happened. You may then be better to accept yourself...or not. It can be hard to face ourselves even when how we are is the result of being dealt a bad hand in life. I suggest telling the truth(s) to a trustworthy person. The rest will follow. Recovery (uncovering) is a process that unfolds itself to you as you unfold yourself to another. No magic wand here. The mystery is in the sharing, risking, working.

JM
 
My problem is I have no family or friends from my past when I was abused that I can tell about it, certainly no one who would be supportive. Don't really have close friends now either. That doesn't mean I'm not thinking of coming out with my story. But it'll take time.

Getting our stories out may be the best thing we can do to insure there are fewer stories like ours, as far as the abuse. Way to go, JM.

Wuame
 
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