Aligning with damaged people

Aligning with damaged people
T

time2heal

Registrant
Over the years I have sought out people to be around that were more damaged than I was. I had many long lasting relationships with women that were hurt during childhood and tried to help them. I believe I sought them out so I could help them past there issues and that would help me with mine. I believe I did that also as a coping mechanism so I would not have to think about my own pain. Obviously it added to my pain to know they suffered. Has anyone done this repeatedly as well?
 
time2heal,

I have not had that experience, but if it helps, might I suggest that this is part of the "personality" you have developed as a survivor. We all tread the path of recovery in different ways, we look for different things along the way, and we stop at different places to regroup.

I think one thing we all look for along the way is empowerment. We feel a need to "do something", reach out, and find strategies that will show us that we are actually dealing with the harm abuse has done to us. Your way is to reach out to hurting women and try to help them.

That's good in itself, but of course it can get to be a problem, as you yourself point out. It allows you to diverge from the path of your own healing and postpone the need to face painful issues of your own. And as you say, it also adds to your pain.

Another problem is that by looking for hurting women you are allowing their abuse experience to define them as people. That is, you get involved with a "victim" figure with a certain gender and name, rather than a complex individual who happens to have been abused. My fear would be that focusing on the hurt deprives both of you. You might tend to miss other aspects of her that don't require your healing efforts, and if she ses you primarily as a healer and rescuer she too will miss other aspects of who you are as a man.

Like so much else, I suppose it's a matter of finding a middle ground: on the one hand, a way forward that allows both partners to BE, and to be appreciated as, all of what they really are, and on the other, a "personality" for yourself that both empowers you and keeps you moving forward.

Much love,
Larry
 
I dont think I sought them out, more like they found me.
That was mostly when I was younger and worked in arts places and dance studios.

The last girl I had was attractive and confident, loved parties and going places.
I thought! How can I change her to be the way I am and not like parties and just loving simple things.

She did love me, and me her, but it was like some challenge for both of us.

You can pretty much see the same pattern emerging.
Women who have lived in violent relationships seek out the same type of relationship.

It is about thinking.
Oh, this is all I can aim for and nothing higher.
Hope it helps,

ste
 
Ste,

10 years ago when I met my wife she was confident, outgoing, compassionate and very attractive. I was drawn to her because she stood out and was willing to shout out her opinions and held her ground. Come to find out though her teens were troubled as well. Same old pattern for me but I got her through the rough spots and now she is trying to do the same for me. Only downside is she badgered me for years to resolve my issues and she made a few mistakes in trying to help me. Her intentions were always good but sometimes not well thought out. Strong women sometimes force a little to much on you. Consequently, I have dated some undamaged women but it always ended very quickly.
 
Hey guys, great posting.

I not only found a wife to help, I have found jobs, houses, cars, you name it I looked for needy things, things I could correct or fix up. I am out of that phase but I think my main reason for doing it was directly related to feeling like I did not deserve any better. I saw myself as negative and not deserving because I felt the molestation was my fault and that meant I needed to be punished. There is a second part also; I felt like I could handle losing these needy things because I could handle the loss, I lost my childhood and all the great feelings I had before that terrible night and I did not want anything good anymore in my life that would cause me pain if I lost it so I surronded myself with crap that could be lost.

I know what you are talking about, I think I am the poster child for it, lol.
 
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