Alcoholic, or is there another way?
“If you’re asking, you might be.” I’ve heard this, and probably what you might be thinking right?
I went to bed, I started with anxiety and panic, so I did my breathing exercise to calm myself. Back to sleep, flashbacks... I get out of bed a walk the empty house, and decide this isn’t working. So I started drinking, which leads to this post.
You all know what it is like and I’m just trying to make it. I’m not bad, I don’t hurt anyone, but I’ve been in this survival mode for so long.
Since I was 12, I have drank to numb myself. I feel feel untouchable, bigger than I am. I’ve always felt that I can summon the words to put me in a position of power and control. I feel free, still sad, but free.. It’s my routine, has been since a kid. Anytime I can do it without being a problem to anyone around me.
Always the day following I feel more vulnerable than I was the day before.
I don’t NEED to drink, but it’s more than a drink. I go until I’m ready to pass out. It offers me freedom from the hurt inside me. I can sleep without remembering going to sleep. On the others side of that coin my anger can peak, and I get super dark, to which I won’t get specific. It works.
I’ve always classified myself as a controlled alcoholic. This means if I abuse it, I no longer have an outlet.
As I go through therapy now, I question if what I’m doing is ok, because the effects of drinking and emotions are much more extreme. I can’t possibly deal with this without an outlet, I do have to work the next day.
There has to be another way, maybe I am an alcoholic? Can anyone relate? How do you deal?
I went to bed, I started with anxiety and panic, so I did my breathing exercise to calm myself. Back to sleep, flashbacks... I get out of bed a walk the empty house, and decide this isn’t working. So I started drinking, which leads to this post.
You all know what it is like and I’m just trying to make it. I’m not bad, I don’t hurt anyone, but I’ve been in this survival mode for so long.
Since I was 12, I have drank to numb myself. I feel feel untouchable, bigger than I am. I’ve always felt that I can summon the words to put me in a position of power and control. I feel free, still sad, but free.. It’s my routine, has been since a kid. Anytime I can do it without being a problem to anyone around me.
Always the day following I feel more vulnerable than I was the day before.
I don’t NEED to drink, but it’s more than a drink. I go until I’m ready to pass out. It offers me freedom from the hurt inside me. I can sleep without remembering going to sleep. On the others side of that coin my anger can peak, and I get super dark, to which I won’t get specific. It works.
I’ve always classified myself as a controlled alcoholic. This means if I abuse it, I no longer have an outlet.
As I go through therapy now, I question if what I’m doing is ok, because the effects of drinking and emotions are much more extreme. I can’t possibly deal with this without an outlet, I do have to work the next day.
There has to be another way, maybe I am an alcoholic? Can anyone relate? How do you deal?
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