Aggression and Revenge

[Damon]

Part of my reaction to Abuse was to become angry, very angry. I have for a long time fantasized about revenge and retribution against my Abuser. I realize that these are only fantasies, and I will never act on them because I am a lawful person, but I was wondering if any other Folks here experienced similar responses? Thanks for reading this.

Damon

 

[LinEar]

I definitely fantasize about that. I have significant difficulty accessing my anger and pushing myself in that (fantasy) direction helps to bring it to the surface, in much the same way that I'll use a sad song or TV episode to deliberately get an emotional release going.

 

[Damon]

Thanks for the response. I also sometimes have difficulties accessing emotions. I have PTSD and a Bipolar Diagnosis and the Psych Meds blunt and disrupt a lot of my emotions, which is not always so good when I have memories/flashbacks. I want and need to feel anger, not drugged out indifference. Anger is a normal reaction, I think. Anyway, thanks for posting. If anyone else has related experiences, I would be glad to hear you on this Thread.

 

[newground]

Hi damon
I think yours is a very normal feeling. many of the guys here myself included have chatted about the rage inside and how powerful it can be. it is overwhelming to me at times and frightens me even not to think that anger could live in me. but what I have realized is that the anger served its purpose for its time. we have a right to be angry for sure but we also have a right to heal. I think that for me nursing that anger does not move me in that direction. so I try to move from that angry place. I cant say i don't go there but i try to keep it on MY terms now.
hope that helps
Jeff

 

[Damon]

Thanks newground for the post. We DO have a right to be angry, as you say, but also a right to heal. Very good point. I am hoping for healing and wish healing for all abuse survivors.

 

[takingitslow]

Anger got me through the last 4-5 years. Without it I would not be here Today (amongst other factors). Now I look at anger as a weapon/skill I have in my toolbox so if I need it I can use it but I try to keep it concealed most of the time.

I still get angry at myself alot but I keep that private and I am hoping as my life improves with a better job, more independent living arrangements and my first serious relationship whenever that happens... I'll feel no need to be so angry at myself. We'll wait and see....

If I wasn't so angry my uncle would not have gone to prison... the defence lawyer (in my mind him and my uncle were the same thing... deniers) I took him on in court the equivalent of a cross examination boxing match where he couldnt tarnish me and I just went on the attack and pretty much owned him....End of the day the best form of defence is attack.
Take care and embrace who you are and what you need to do for your wellbeing.
Dan.

 

[Damon]

Thanks for sharing. Glad you got some Justice.

 

[traveler]

my reactions have not been quite the same.

with the step-dad, I could not even dream of being aggressive toward him or hoping for revenge. it was more like desperately hoping that if I was a "good boy" he would eventually like me and be nice to me. never happened.

with other abusers at school and scouts, I also wanted them to like me and be nice to me. I wanted to be accepted. it didn't happen either. what I felt toward them was more resentment than anger. that was "allowed" because they were closer to being my peers - not authority figures.

I had some fantasies about treating them the way they treated me - but more in the way of "teaching them a lesson" rather than a conscious act of revenge. it freaked me out, however, when I realized that to do to them what they did to me would make me an abuser, too - just as bad as them. I wanted to have them under my power the way they had me and see how they liked it (but that might have been counter-productive, because they might have actually liked it!) it became a source of guilt and shame - that I had even considered doing those things with/to them. made me think that the things they said about me must be true and messed me up even worse.

lee

 

[Damon]

Thanks for sharing, traveler. I think everyone's situation is specific to them, and what makes one angry might not have the same response with another. Anyway, I hope that you are well. I have been trying to discharge my anger, but it keeps me from feeling other uncomfortable emotions, so it is tricky. Anger is a defense mechanism for me.

 

[Nothing Man]

Anger and a desire for revenge are a normal human reaction to abuse and mistreatment. Anger can be helpful unless it is turned inward, causing self-loathing and self-blaming for events that were really out of one's control. If anger becomes all-consuming then healing becomes difficult. At some point we have to overcome the anger and turn to an understanding of ourselves and our feelings.

I am still angry at my abusers. One of them, my mother, has been dead for 17 years now and I truly do not miss her and am glad she is gone. The other abuser is a successful audiologist in San Francisco. While my life seems to be a series of self-sabotaged events, presumably he is content and living well. I am resentful of that but do not know of any recourse other than to try to improve my life and accept the things I cannot change.

 

[Carries The Fire]

Damon,

I have just found anger and aggression, only a few weeks ago, I had supressed it for so long. I still do fantasise about revenge, dream of revenge, and to act out in revenge, if I could track down those responsible. I am not a lawful person, never have been, and probably never will be.

I am in 2 minds a lot of the time, as most of my abusers were not "adults" that I can remember, I like to think people could and can change, I sometimes have nightmares about going home invasion, and acting out revenge in the coldest way, from basic taking someone out, to kidnapping them and torturing them for days to be honest, or at worst, making someone deaf, dumb and blind, yes I have very dark thoughts as you can see.

But what if . . . .what if, I did such a thing, and the person had changed, say they had a loving family and were first class mothers and fathers, and me acting on the past, which does happen if you read some of the stories here. If I acted out in revenge, then I could also be harming innocent children, in a roundabout way, and this usually enough to bring me round . . .

However . . .if one day I do come across any of my abusers, and they have not changed . . . .and I saw this, knew this, it would put me in a very dangerous situation, as I am sure it would make my anger grow ten fold, due to what they did to me, and what they are inflicting on others . . . .and I do not think the outcome would be favourable for me, lets leave at that, and I will feel like this until I can manage my anger, if I ever can.


One thing I am learning here, is to fight my abusers in another level, not to let them keep a hold of me, as I have said before I will say again . . . . to my abusers

Every step I take is in defiance of you,
Every breath I take is in defiance of you,
Every drop of blood that falls is in defiance of you,
Everything I do is in defiance of you!!
Your hold will not weigh me down ANYMORE!!!

And this new thing to me, is the sweetest and coldest revenge I could possibly give to my abusers.

Yes I am angry, yes I feel rage, but I have to keep calm, so I dont do anything stupid.

Ctf

 

[KMCINVA]

Damon

All that has been said is true. My T, doctors and support have all said the same thing, the rage I have for the abuse and those responsible for the triggers is directed inward. It is causing me great pain and suffering. I have been told I need to let it out, I write about it but it does not release. Holding it in can become self destructive as I am learning. I am pushing myself over the edge and contemplating something I never thought I would. Let it out if you can, it is a silent killer carrying it. I write about it and everyone thinks I am letting out the anger, no it is just the pain I am trying to release. The anger is my enemy and I do not know how to release it.

Kevin

 

[Carries The Fire]

((((Kevin))))

If you find a way to release it in a positive manner . . . let me know!!

" I write about it and everyone thinks I am letting out the anger, no it is just the pain I am trying to release. The anger is my enemy and I do not know how to release it. "

I know this all too well, but writing about it is a small release, which is better than nothing.

Ctf

 

[Damon]

Good to see Folks here expressing themselves.

I think it is good to be able to at least write about this stuff.

I know how you guys feel, I feel that way myself.

I wish everyone here well.

 

[KMCINVA]

Anger is such a part of my life. Long buried and I have tried to release. Doctors, T and others have said it is self destructive, self harming. I know but for some reason I cannot let it go. Everyone says I have the right to be angry for everything that I lived. They are right.

As I am unable to sleep I spent last night searching anger. One thing I found about anger

Dont hold it in.
Dont release it as pain.
Release it as acceptance

So many say I release it as pain and not anger. Another person here in a different thread said they can feel my pain but not my anger. He is not the first and will not be the last. I am having difficulty releasing this emotion and the pain it causes. It is causing me to believe in self harm as the final deed.

I know others have the polar opposite, uncontrolled anger. I guess neither is good.

A friend who is a big Tony Robbins fan, travels and attends his events gave me some tapes and readings about anger which I explored last night as I could not sleep. Why am I angry. Robbins says one needs to look at the person that caused the anger. Most people that harm people are insecure, and looking to be viewed as significant. Do people cheer and rally behind them when they harm you? I know what may have happened in by various states of dissociation caused hurt and pain and I have accepted and apologized and I know I cannot change. He says apologize once and move on because some do not know forgiveness or attempt to understand the depth of cause will drain you.

I called a friend at 6 am this morning to talk, I had no sense of time. He laughed and said he was up and had just finished meditating and had his first appointment at 7:30. We talked and the person reaffirmed Robbins thoughts and said, anyone who violates a person, the abuser, and others who did to me what was done in the house is looking to be significant. The abuser to be significant in the child's eyes and the others in the eyes of peers and families. The person said the child (me) responded by returning to the abuser making him feel significant, the others when siblings and the other parent rallied around cheered and gave support for very disturbing words and acts give significance to that person, a parent who would make sure the child heard every argument instead of a private discussion, cry and portray the other other parent as depriving or hurting was looking to be significant in the child's eyes. We talked about parents who feel alienated and leave family settings shows the need for a parent or child to feel significant toward the children or the child to the other parent by pushing the other parent away. It is the sense of needing to be significant that leads many to harm others whereas others who wish to be significant turn to helping others in a positive way. He said those who exploit significance through harm and pain have self esteem and other issues and harbor anger generally toward another person or situation that they cannot express. I have to say he never makes me feel intrusive when I indulge his advice and counsel.

I have read so much and hear so much and he says I need a few days of sleep to help me process the information. He said I need to release the anger that he knows is repressed. He told me to keep writing but look at the actions of the others as the cause and not the pain as the cause of my self destructive or self abusive feelings.

I wish I could process because the negative thoughts have me visualizing different scenarios of how it will end. I see myself floating down from a rooftop, a bridge, a balcony to swaying from a tree to a train. None seem real but the thoughts are troubling and I am avoiding negativism and damaging people and situations. All these thoughts have me lacking motivation and purpose, I struggle to get the simplest task done. I know it is this anger that is so deep. He said my dissociation as I was being triggered was a way to escape the anger that may have been raging as I was being triggered as well as to escape the memories of the abuse.

I wish I could let it out, maybe I am afraid what I may do when it starts to boil over.

Anyone have any success on releasing their anger in a meaningful and somewhat controlled manner.