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LostnHell

Registrant
It seems that I've been searching forever for healing, answers and resolution. It disturbs me that at 48 I'm back in therapy and still trying to put the pieces together. Searching for the "lost boy" inside this grown man seems that much harder literally and conceptually at this stage.
I look back at the years though at it seems in some ways to make sense:
12-21 lost, hurt, trying, false sense of self reaching out
21-35 on my own, out in the world, reinforcing the false self, searching for answers but also doing what is necessary to stay alive
35-Present - finding some peace and grounding, returning to the reality that something severe is wrong and i'm incomplete till ....

Sort of sketchy on the years but they do go by. I feel guilty about still going back to my youth, childhood to sort out the confusion, pain , hurt, shame.
 
LIH,

I think I know how you feel. When I began to realize how much work I was going to have to do on all this, and beginning in my 50s, I looked over my life and felt like the floor was falling out from under me. It all seemed such a waste.

But we can't change or regain what is past. That's just the way it is. All we can do is resolve that not another moment will be lost. And that means going back to our childhood to sort out the issues you name.

What helps me is to think of recovery not as a goal, but as an attitude and a path to walk with others. Looking at it in that way, maybe we can then see every step, no matter how confused or painful, as a victory we did not have yesterday.

Take care,
Larry
 
Lost - I've read many times that our minds and souls tell us when we are ready to deal with our pasts and that there is really nothing we can do to force the issue. It just doesn't work that way.

Whatever you've done to get to this point, it has worked. You have survived and you know that the old way isn't working anymore. So it's time to try something different and that's exactly what you're doing.

Please try to find some strength in that. You've done what you needed to in order to survive. Now you're taking the next step. Good for you. Keep it up. We're here to support you through the rough spots. - Peace - John
 
48 is still relatively young by today's standards. Understanding ourselves and the world around us is a lifetime process. Therapists are a positive resource that we are lucky to access
(if they're good ones). Peace, Andrew
 
I think one of the underlying questions or ponderances that I have is , is recovery an alchemical / or transformative process or is more of a better understanding and decision process. In other words, is it possible to arrive at the other end truly changed or do I need to always be wrestling with issues and stuff.
 
is it possible to arrive at the other end truly changed or do I need to always be wrestling with issues and stuff.
Click to expand...
These things are not mutually exclusive. So I think the answers are yes, and yes. You can get to the other end having truly changed, I have. But there will always be issues in our lives. Like it or not, we were forever changed and impacted by the actions of others. It's our job now to do our best to transcend those others and the negative impact they had on our lives. It can get better, it does get better, I know first hand. - John
 
I didn't intend for it to sound scary, honest, but not scary. What we've been left with is a daunting task. We have two choices. One, to remain where we have been for years upon years, knowing something isn't working right but just carrying on. Or, two, we can face it head on, look for what needs to be changed, what we can change and do it. The rewards are plentiful if we take door number two. If we take door number one, well, we already know what's behind it and that hasn't been working so well for us.

You're already on the road, just by being here, asking questions, sharing your thoughts, reaching out to others who may have walked the road ahead of you. It can be scary at times, but it's no more scary than anything we've endured in the past, always remember that. We have survived the worst and that part is over. - John
 
Thank you Sinking. Appreciate the response. I feel better. And not to drag this thread out. The other conundrum is that I'm healing or looking for that little boy inside and yet I look in the mirror and see a grown man. I think it makes it harder (for me at least) to see that grown man and continue to search out that boy. Hope this makes sense.
 
LostnHell,
Here is something I wrote awhile back that seems appropriate right now.
*********************************************
March 11, 2002

That Little Boy in Me

By Still 12

A little boy is a precious thing
Innocence welling up like a spring
Hes playful, precocious, inexplicably cute
WHY would anyone want to mute

That wondrous, marvelous, little boy charm?
WHY would anyone want to harm
Him is such a malignant way
That would cause him hurt that wont go away?

A little boy growing and discovering the world
Running and playing with hair tousled and curled.
Hes a special little person who deserves to see
His world without perversion, just blissful glee.

His mind is so clear, unjaded, and pure.
He should be able to know for sure
That nothing will harm him. Hes safe and secure.
That theres no one about who would try to lure

Him into a place of disgust and disgrace
Where his childhood glow would be forever erased
From his little boy face that should be so full of joy.
The only look befitting a young innocent boy.

His life must be sheltered in his growing-up years.
Hes vulnerable, impressionable, and given to tears
If hes mistreated, neglected, forgotten, or abused.
Hell grow up feeling different, deprived, and ill-used.

A limitless amount of gold cant compare
To the life of a little boy and what he can share
With the world about what life really should be
No hate, no bias, no prejudicejust carefree.

I do miss that part of the little boy in me.
The part that was taken away unfairly.
Hes still inside me, I still hear his voice.
He cries because it wasnt his choice

To be treated in a way that was foreign to him,
The target of someones dark, selfish whim.
He wants the hurt to be taken away
He cant comprehend of this lengthy delay.

Its my life, I tell him, I must live it out
The best I can and try not to doubt
That one day, I know, sweet relief will come
When hell be running toward the setting sun.

*********************************************

So LostnHell, my thought is that you aren't alone. Even though each of us can feel really alone in all this, I hope there is comfort in that thought.

Still 12
 
I can relate to all the previous posts. I'm 38 and this year, while I was unemployed and had nothing to distract me, came to realize my early experiences had been abuse. I hadn't blocked them out, I'd just never defined them. When I started to remember more details it all seemed, and seems, so overwhelming.
I never understood "denial" in other people, till I saw it in myself. I found this site while in crisis mode, got a lot from the postings. But then later I felt like I just don't want to deal with my past, I don't want to dig everything up, I can't imagine telling anyone that I'm a survivor without shame. But my method of not dealing with it hasn't really worked either. It's like this mountain I really don't want to climb, but it isn't going away.
Somewhere some part of me is still stuck 9, or 12, confused by conflicting feelings.
I too feel envious (not sure if thats the right word), I feel akward when I see well adjusted people decades younger, that don't have the hangups I do. I mean they're functioning in ways I can't, like they're real adults interacting, in relationships, etc.,while I fumble along, never letting anyone get too close.
 
LIH - this is really important -

I cannot understand why people have persecuted me - it is at the surface today - a group of gay men - at the Y in Toronto have very bad to me -

gaining confidence and then smacking dashing hopes -

the same thing happened in high school - people would ask for help with their probs - and when I would begin to try and understand mine with them - they would role their eyes and leave -

one went so far as to put my picture in the year book and humiliate me - as having problems -

why the principal allowed her to do that is
a wonder -

i have been in therapy for a long time -in a out

but now - i just know how to manage -

but it seems the pain is getting so great -

i don't know if I am really going to be ok -

i have no idea LIH-

but I will say this -

That you touch on an issue that CSA seems to bring down -

is a lostness - a really big confusion about things -

and a hurt at things - a lot of society things is just ok to do - and does not matter -

because it is not them getting molested or smacked down emotionallly -

in fact it is the order of the day

look at jay leno -

his routine is based on vilifying someone -

nothing clever - but like bloodlust -


i just want to live in peace -but it seems each time someone wants to reach out - they

want immediate full trust and access -

and if they don't get it -

that's when the terror begins
...
m
 
or if they do get it -

then they use it against me to get what they want -

so better be alone ---

m
 
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