after the session
Things are a little bit clearer now. We went to the therapy session last night. K's therapist acted more as a mediator. She was kind, took the time to ask our names, and kept things fair.
Where do I begin?
Well, k started off by asking us very bluntly why we let her father rape her. Some things you just don't remember unless the right order of things is done. I hadn't remembered what she was talking about until she said it. there were times when my uncle would have all three of us, my brother, cousin, and me, in the room while he raped k, and all we'd do was watch. For some reason, I thought she couldn't see us, that's just what I recall, but she could. I recall being alone with her and my uncle and him saying to me, “You want a piece of this pussy,” and me saying no. well, this really confused her, because when our uncles were there, we'd rape her, and when it was just her father, we would just watch. To her, it seemed like we were playing a joke. One minute we'd try to protect her, the other we wouldn't.
My cousin, who I'll call Ty, asked if that was why she called us rapists then. Her therapist was very surprised, I mean really caught off guard by it. k explained that she did because she didn't know how else to describe what happened. She equated us raping her as being protective, and us not doing it as not being protective. I guess we screwed up on that one. She said she'd rather have had one of us doing it to her than her father. I tried to explain that we just would never do anything like that without being made to because it's wrong, but k wanted to know WHY we would do it sometimes and not others. And almost on cue, she asked, “What, would they punish you or something?”
It was so hard after that. I couldn't look at her because she began to break down. I didn't want to se her cry, crying because we wouldn't tell her. She kept asking and asking, and my brother let it slip that we got punished for her "bad' behavior, regardless of whether she knew she was doing something "wrong' or not. My one aunt especially liked doing this. My uncles would tell us we had to watch k, and if she was bad, she'd get it. but, if we promised to make sure she wouldn't do it again, then they would punish one of us instead of her. So that's what we did. Whenever she got in trouble, one of us would take the punishment and try to keep k from doing it again. Occasionally, this didn't work, and she got beat, sometimes raped (but my uncles did it more to get to us than to hurt k). I know now, and I knew it then, I wasn't that nave, that my uncles and aunts were really using her as an excuse to see us in pain. It was part of growing up, I guess. All of us had to go thru it to be better at dealing with difficultly, or some bullshit close to that. I think it was really that they got off on it. one of my uncles would laugh the whole way thru while punishing me. He'd really crack up if I tried to hold back screaming and/or crying, and did a poor job of it.
So after the slip, k wanted to know what was done. she was adamant about it. I almost told her something, but when I tried to open my mouth, I almost broke down. I have to look people in the eyes when I talk about things like this, and it's already so hard. Seeing her crying, worried, trying to figure out what we were hiding, I just couldn't do it. I turned away and shut my eyes as tight as I could until the tears went away. I wouldn't look at her after that. she called my name a few times, but I just kept saying no.
Her brother ended up telling her about what we went thru. It wasn't any where near the worst of it. he kept it as decent as possible, just so happens my family is sick, so it was pretty rough to get thru. And most of the stuff was done to all three of us, so I kept thinking about when it was done to me, and thinking about when I saw it being done to them.
We spent most of our time building up to that. at one point, Ty told k that it was okay if she hated if. If it made her feel better, then that was fine. He only gave in to telling her about what happened because her therapist said that it would help k understand why we acted the way we did. Otherwise, I don't think he would have said anything. He told her, and her therapist asked about it too, that she really didn't need to know. it wasn't all that important. Our concern has always been protecting each other, not worrying about ourselves.
K expressed some anger about that. she kind of resented that we never let her do the same for us. in a way, we'd created a group amongst ourselves, and she wasn't included. Added to the way she wasn't included in a lot of what happened to all the males in my family, even with my uncles amongst their two sisters, she felt like we were keeping her out because she was a girl. She resents groups like that, male only, because it reminds her of how she grew up, seeing us only in school or during abuse, very little outside of being punished or just having been punished or just sleeping (sometimes we'd be allowed to sleep together, so we'd all cuddle up as close as possible. I remember a picture I think one of my uncles took of us sleeping. We looked like a bunch of puppies in a bed). And here we were keeping things from her, even though they are painful, she wants to be included in that. so even though we lived and grew up together, our abuse is different.
Her therapist gave Ty some referrals of some local therapists that we might want to check out to deal with our problems. And she suggested that we might want to talk about having group therapy with just us and bringing my younger brother and cousin to the session so that we can try to heal together.
It's a start. I looked over some of the names, and I'm thinking about checking it out. But I want a therapist that is somewhat experienced with dealing with boys and men who've been sexually abused. I think I'd be more comfortable with someone like that.
Things aren't all that better. it's only been a day, and last night I got some, but very little sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about the things that were done, and damn my body, I got an erection and it stayed up all night. After the first hour it really started to hurt. Even after I fell asleep. I spent most of this morning talking with my brother, we share a room, about some of the stuff I was thinking about. I wanted to get up and lay next to him, like we would when we were kids. Last night I really wanted to be held, despite how it makes me feel, but I didn't do it. one, because it's really strange for two brothers to do that with both of us being 19. and two, because I was too embarrassed by my erection. I told him, and he said to jerk off, kind as a reflex before he remembered about how it hurts when I have orgasms. Then he made me promise to go to a doctor to get it checked out. I made an appointment, it's not until the end of the month. I'm a little concerned about the costs. I know doctor visits are expensive. Just walking into the office seems to cost a lot of money. And god forbid I sit down and actually ask a question. Sorry, just wanted to break the tension a little.
Anyway, today wasn't as hard as yesterday was. I still feel pretty bad though. really dirty, and disgusting, but I think it'll pass in a few days. I hope.
Thanks for listening.
jake
Where do I begin?
Well, k started off by asking us very bluntly why we let her father rape her. Some things you just don't remember unless the right order of things is done. I hadn't remembered what she was talking about until she said it. there were times when my uncle would have all three of us, my brother, cousin, and me, in the room while he raped k, and all we'd do was watch. For some reason, I thought she couldn't see us, that's just what I recall, but she could. I recall being alone with her and my uncle and him saying to me, “You want a piece of this pussy,” and me saying no. well, this really confused her, because when our uncles were there, we'd rape her, and when it was just her father, we would just watch. To her, it seemed like we were playing a joke. One minute we'd try to protect her, the other we wouldn't.
My cousin, who I'll call Ty, asked if that was why she called us rapists then. Her therapist was very surprised, I mean really caught off guard by it. k explained that she did because she didn't know how else to describe what happened. She equated us raping her as being protective, and us not doing it as not being protective. I guess we screwed up on that one. She said she'd rather have had one of us doing it to her than her father. I tried to explain that we just would never do anything like that without being made to because it's wrong, but k wanted to know WHY we would do it sometimes and not others. And almost on cue, she asked, “What, would they punish you or something?”
It was so hard after that. I couldn't look at her because she began to break down. I didn't want to se her cry, crying because we wouldn't tell her. She kept asking and asking, and my brother let it slip that we got punished for her "bad' behavior, regardless of whether she knew she was doing something "wrong' or not. My one aunt especially liked doing this. My uncles would tell us we had to watch k, and if she was bad, she'd get it. but, if we promised to make sure she wouldn't do it again, then they would punish one of us instead of her. So that's what we did. Whenever she got in trouble, one of us would take the punishment and try to keep k from doing it again. Occasionally, this didn't work, and she got beat, sometimes raped (but my uncles did it more to get to us than to hurt k). I know now, and I knew it then, I wasn't that nave, that my uncles and aunts were really using her as an excuse to see us in pain. It was part of growing up, I guess. All of us had to go thru it to be better at dealing with difficultly, or some bullshit close to that. I think it was really that they got off on it. one of my uncles would laugh the whole way thru while punishing me. He'd really crack up if I tried to hold back screaming and/or crying, and did a poor job of it.
So after the slip, k wanted to know what was done. she was adamant about it. I almost told her something, but when I tried to open my mouth, I almost broke down. I have to look people in the eyes when I talk about things like this, and it's already so hard. Seeing her crying, worried, trying to figure out what we were hiding, I just couldn't do it. I turned away and shut my eyes as tight as I could until the tears went away. I wouldn't look at her after that. she called my name a few times, but I just kept saying no.
Her brother ended up telling her about what we went thru. It wasn't any where near the worst of it. he kept it as decent as possible, just so happens my family is sick, so it was pretty rough to get thru. And most of the stuff was done to all three of us, so I kept thinking about when it was done to me, and thinking about when I saw it being done to them.
We spent most of our time building up to that. at one point, Ty told k that it was okay if she hated if. If it made her feel better, then that was fine. He only gave in to telling her about what happened because her therapist said that it would help k understand why we acted the way we did. Otherwise, I don't think he would have said anything. He told her, and her therapist asked about it too, that she really didn't need to know. it wasn't all that important. Our concern has always been protecting each other, not worrying about ourselves.
K expressed some anger about that. she kind of resented that we never let her do the same for us. in a way, we'd created a group amongst ourselves, and she wasn't included. Added to the way she wasn't included in a lot of what happened to all the males in my family, even with my uncles amongst their two sisters, she felt like we were keeping her out because she was a girl. She resents groups like that, male only, because it reminds her of how she grew up, seeing us only in school or during abuse, very little outside of being punished or just having been punished or just sleeping (sometimes we'd be allowed to sleep together, so we'd all cuddle up as close as possible. I remember a picture I think one of my uncles took of us sleeping. We looked like a bunch of puppies in a bed). And here we were keeping things from her, even though they are painful, she wants to be included in that. so even though we lived and grew up together, our abuse is different.
Her therapist gave Ty some referrals of some local therapists that we might want to check out to deal with our problems. And she suggested that we might want to talk about having group therapy with just us and bringing my younger brother and cousin to the session so that we can try to heal together.
It's a start. I looked over some of the names, and I'm thinking about checking it out. But I want a therapist that is somewhat experienced with dealing with boys and men who've been sexually abused. I think I'd be more comfortable with someone like that.
Things aren't all that better. it's only been a day, and last night I got some, but very little sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about the things that were done, and damn my body, I got an erection and it stayed up all night. After the first hour it really started to hurt. Even after I fell asleep. I spent most of this morning talking with my brother, we share a room, about some of the stuff I was thinking about. I wanted to get up and lay next to him, like we would when we were kids. Last night I really wanted to be held, despite how it makes me feel, but I didn't do it. one, because it's really strange for two brothers to do that with both of us being 19. and two, because I was too embarrassed by my erection. I told him, and he said to jerk off, kind as a reflex before he remembered about how it hurts when I have orgasms. Then he made me promise to go to a doctor to get it checked out. I made an appointment, it's not until the end of the month. I'm a little concerned about the costs. I know doctor visits are expensive. Just walking into the office seems to cost a lot of money. And god forbid I sit down and actually ask a question. Sorry, just wanted to break the tension a little.
Anyway, today wasn't as hard as yesterday was. I still feel pretty bad though. really dirty, and disgusting, but I think it'll pass in a few days. I hope.
Thanks for listening.
jake
So . . . Listen to your heart.
