After the fall
Dewey72
Registrant
I am 52 years old, and a friend of my father raped me when I was just 11. My dad attempted to molest me at 15, but let’s just say that didn’t work out for him. I have carried the scars of that rape for over 40 years; most men that have experienced something like this attempt to crush its effects by sheer will. They mentally bury it deep in a room within a room. Lock the door and lose the key. But it seeps out, and your trauma escapes when you let your guard down. Your life becomes a dissociative blur. You hate men but can’t put a pin on it to explain why. You have failed relationships. You can’t hold down a job. You have anger issues you can’t explain. Panic attacks that haunt you day after day. Rage that boils inside you. Maybe you turn to drugs and alcohol to quell the waves inside of you that crash against your psyche. That is what I did. That 11-year-old was left behind inside of me. I had to pivot to survive what had happened to me. All that inner turmoil was that 11-year-old boy begging me to come back and save him, but I never listened. I refused to hear his voice. After a decade of drug abuse, my wife had finally had enough. She took my bottle of Oxycodone that I had been popping like tic tacs and flushed it down the toilet. “Marriage or the drugs,” she told me; choose. My soul had finally had enough, and I entered into treatment and began what they call “continued exposure therapy.” Unless you are ready to tackle your demons, do not attempt this method. The work is slow and brutal. The idea is session after session, week after week, you slowly repeat the event. You become that 11-year-old boy and go over the event again and again and again. Break your trauma down to its roots. Lay you bare. But it worked after about three months. I am someone different now. The best way I can describe it is my trauma turned into a scar from a scab. I can talk about it now openly and with confidence. It no longer festers inside the room that I had locked it in. It no longer controls me. I am free of it now. Free from the pain and agony it had caused me most of my life. My tormentor is dead. I no longer talk to my father after learning that he had also molested numerous other people throughout his life. I confronted him and laid it all out, so now all that pain and guilt is his to live with. I put all that pain and guilt at his feet. It’s no longer mine. This cycle of abuse dies with me. I have loving relationships with my wife, kids, and grandkids. I am now the man I had hoped to become. I went back and rescued that 11-year-old boy and put him in a place where he would no longer be hurt. I continue to put in the work with therapy and acknowledge my addiction to prescription drugs. I understand my triggers, and I have never relapsed. To all of you suffering, I am so sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I embrace you in a virtual hug. You can release yourself from all this pain, guilt, and agony. Put in the therapeutic work if that is available to you. Join groups such as this to share yourself in a safe space. Talk about it to those you love. Your trauma will never stay inside the place you locked it up, I promise you. Do the work, confront your trauma and what triggers it, and say goodbye. Drink that last cup of sorrow and get on your way. I consider myself blessed and lucky I had the resources to heal from my trauma. I know a lot do not, so I am part of several support groups to pay it forward. Without my wife’s intervention, I would be in prison or dead. Just another statistic. I owe her my life. I won't forget the assistance of my guardian angel up there who saved me from myself. To all those abusers out there, we see you. Karma is coming for you. To all the others that read this, nothing but love, dear reader. You can heal. I promise you.
