After the Anger

[dwf]

I've been posting here lately about my recent experiences with anger both in group therapy and in my "normal" life.

About 5 weeks ago, I had a tremendously powerful discharge of angry energy directed towards the members of my gay men's therapy group.

With the help and insight of my T, I can see how I had been feeling very much SHAMED by group members; one had told me that I was being 'childish' for being angry at another members absence; another member seemed to be warning a new guy that he should watch out for me because I might get angry at him if he were ever absent. This guy went on to leave the group, ostensibly because of me and my anger.

Basically I felt that I was being told in words and in actions that my emotions were out of line; that my feelings should be suppressed; that I should follow the old rules "Don't Feel" and "Don't Talk".

I really got triggered. The waves and ripples of that outburst continue to move outward. It has brought to the surface many othrer emotions, both in me and my fellow group members.

Once the anger dissipated, other more vulnerable, hurting type feelings began to loom large.

This is the point at which it seems to me that my depression, which had been improving, returned with a vengeance.

I have begun having thoughts of dying again. I lost all drive and motivation. I began experiencing insomnia and other sleeping problems. I generally began to feel hopeless.

Talking through this with me T, I began to see that underneath that anger was a still enormous reservoir of sadness and grief. Because of fear, because of shame I seem unable to access that pool of sorrow.

Part of the fear is that I am afraid that allowing myself to be that sad might be dangerous for me considering the death thoughts I have been having.

Part of it is still in response to the difficult consequences I have had to deal with since expressing my other strong emotion, anger.

I don't feel like I have a space big enough or love and support unconditional enough to start to let my sadness take it's course. I have grieved before. I have cried many, many times.

But I cannot cry now. I cannot allow myself that much comfort, that much letting go of control.

Crying has usually had a positive outcome for me in the past, but right now I simply can't allow myself to go there. I don't really know why.

I don't want to cry alone again. I've done that so much in my life. I don't want to cry in front of others because a part of me still feels that my over emotionality is what causes people, especially men, to leave me abandonned.

In short I feel frozen by my sadness unexpressed. Like I am carrying around a huge, cold burden that weakens me and makes me want to go to sleep to get away with it.

My T suggests that I seek a spot, a safe place big enough to feel enough love and support to be able to process some of this sadness.

He and I thought immediately of the weekend of recovery planned in November for survivors who were abused by clergy. That was the circumstance in which I was abused. I guess I have this hope that a concerted, concentrated, communal effort at healing might be what I need to break through this emotional ice dam.

Or maybe that's just wishful thinking. I am so tired of feeling this way, especially with all the meds and all the therapy and 12 steps and all.

I just found out today that I am now officially classified as disabled and will receive some money from the gov't so some distant point in the future.

That's good news; the bad news is that being ruled disabled is indicative of how desperate my financial situation has become.

I don't have the funds yet to go to Santa Barbara, nor the money for the retreat itself.

But today I forced myself to ask for help; now I'm going to force myself to start looking at transportation costs.

I'm making myself write about this here.

I am hoping for some sort of relief.

This depression is exhausting. My inability to feel what is inside me robs me of my source of energy.

I can't cry though I desperately feel like I need to.

I am sorry to go on and on like this. I'll quit now.

Thanks for reading,

 

[Brayton]

Danny,

It breaks my heart to read posts like this.

I haven't been in a group before but when I hear them described like this it makes me think that groups might work better if they included men at all stages of recovery.

Guys may get tired of me saying this but, in my experience, it really helps me to help others. I'm able to help others because I have received help myself.

I'm glad to be able to empathize with a guy who is expressing rage about what happened to him. At one time, it was really scary for me to see that in another person and I reacted defensively.

Depression. I am wondering why, why there isn't someone around you who has enough experience with depression to talk to you about how insomnia, sleeplessness, loss of energy, and a desire to sleep all day are all natural symptoms of despression.

(I think your meds need some adjustment.)

I feel grief and sadness for the kid I was who was abused. I have experienced being afraid of those and other feelings. I've held off from crying, thinking that if I started I would not be able to stop.

I have thought and still do often think of suic'de. The difference between a thought and a plan is a very big difference. If you haven't already, I urge you to make a pact with someone, your therapist ideally, I think, that even at its worst you will call him/her before you do anything.

About a week ago, I took off a day to get things done around the house. I'm not sure why exactly but at one point I just dropped down on the sofa and started crying, sobbing like I haven't done for a very, very long time.

While I have had my meds adjusted since, I know that it will undoubtedly happen again and if anyone thinks its weird then they know very little about the real world. But, still, you don't have to break down on the commuter train like I do. Just don't stuff it down entirely.

Listen, both you and I have survived half a century in spite of all the sh't that was done to us. That counts for a lot.

I don't expect to ever be completely healed. It will never be as it might have been if I had not been abused. But it is now very much better than it was and I know that it can get better and better.

Hang in there, Danny. Keep letting us know how things are going for you. I'm in your corner.

 

[thecoopstah]

Danny , I know how you feel at least sofaras the rage and anger is concerned i go through it everyday.You are going to be ok, as long as you are gentle with yourself, and not give into the the feelings of guilt and shame that this terrible affiliction that was imposed upon us when (we) were so vulnerable as children.My anger protects me,it keeps people away,it's my defense mechanism,as it may be yours as well.Therefore,i am rooting for you, to stay close to the people in your life who support and love you and want the best for you in your life,if you want to send me a private message feel free,i'll gladly respond promptly.Take care and god bless.Rich C.

 

[dwf]

Thanks guys, for responding and for showing your concern and compassion.

I appreciate the validation of my feelings as well as the suggestions for treatment options.

Tonight I'm writing with an improved mood and a more peaceful disposition.

It's funny how I'm always surprised by the fact that the suggestions that I have been given here and elsewhere for dealing with the effects of sexual abuse, always work!

Not immediately and not without some willingness and effort on my part, but the different tools I have been offered give me the relief I so desperately need--maybe not a 'permanent' solution, but for sure a wonderful respite.

I'm feeling better tonight than I have in a while.

Part of it is, that I have learned to come here and share what's going on; then let go of it and do the next right thing in front of me.

I'm going to see my psych doc this week about the meds and will continue to use the tools I have been given and I feel fairly confident that I am going to be OK.

This is a lot of progress for me. I have been depressed for years and thought that it would never get better and never end.

So thank you for caring enough about yourselves to keep coming here to help me.

Warm regards

 

[michael Joseph]

I love you Danny save me a tupil ok! mj

 

[Lloydy]

Danny
groups work in mysterious ways, a lot happens that we don't see at the time, and we don't fully understand.

The group I'm in has just had two new guys join, and true to form they couldn't be more different to the 'regulars' - we are a bunch of guys that couldn't be more different if you tried!

But the different experiences, reactions and thoughts we have nearly always come together in something we all relate to in the end, so we find some common ground and can offer support and help.

Some guys come to our group when they feel able to do so, others come to nearly every meeting. But it's always good to see the 'irregular' guys, they still bring things that help the regulars, and I hope we help them - I believe we do.

Sometimes the 'irregular' guys feel that they can't come because they've got too much shit going on at that time, and they feel that their problems will dominate the meeting and take up too much time, and not give others a chance to have their say.
But I don't think that's the case.

As I said, what everyone brings to our group has something that we all relate to, so if we do spend half the time discussing one persons problem we ALL find something that makes us think about our situation, so we benefit as well.
Possibly this stems from the feeling that's so commont all of us - we don't feel worthy, our problems are insignificant to everyone elses, we're wasting other peoples time.
But we're NOT, the whole essence of group work is to share our common experiences, obviously there is going to be an element of the individuals story that has to be told, but if I talk about acting-out with other men to others who dont do this, but maybe self harm, drink or do drugs, then the core of what I might say still relates to them. We discover the DRIVERS behind our individual behaviours are usually the same, so it's still a worthwhile excercise.

Possibly the people who don't turn up regularly and the feelings of anger at their not coming that you feel are the opposite ends of the same 'feeling'?
They might feel that they don't want to waste other peoples time with their "insignificant" problems and you feel angry about the actual wasted time on their behalf?

Basically I felt that I was being told in words and in actions that my emotions were out of line; that my feelings should be suppressed; that I should follow the old rules "Don't Feel" and "Don't Talk".

The therapist leading the group should NEVER allow this to happen, I feel that they should instead channel your feelings / anger into constructive ways of persuading them to attend the group.
Making you surpress your feelings, however subtle and unintentional it might be, is doing you no good, and the other members of the group will surely pick up on this and begin to think along the same lines - "I daren't say exactly what I feel, it might be out of line with the group ethic"
Groups must be non-judgemental, and that of course must include your anger towards guys who dont show up. But it must be dealt with in a positive way, not surpression.

Dave