After-Feelings, Words Hurt RE-POSTED AND EDITED


TRIGGERS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (I'm going to continue going over it until I can understand...until I can learn a way to say these things to my therapist.) I may also reference things some of you have suggested to me about what happened to me. I won't mention names. I think I know why. I think I know why his (Damian's dad's) words and the way he said them bothered me so much.

This man had only talked to me once before he raped me. And that one time he spoke to me was at his son's funeral. He was not permitted to even go inside. His family wouldn't allow him to come inside. Damian's dad met me for the first time outside. Someone outside told him all about me because when he approached me he already knew I was a doctor. I didn't like how he said, "doctor" after every sentence. He was mocking me obviously. He already showed me a glimpse into his messed up character. But he told me that I was going to regret helping his son. He told me I better watch myself because he was going to make my life a living hell. I didn't believe him. I didn't take him seriously. I hadn't yet heard that demon in him. And I was foolish to believe this guy couldn't really make good on his threats because he was about 10 years older than me. I didn't take him seriously. So that mistake was on me.

When I went to the hospital that night to get my gear I had no idea that my life was going to be threatened, possibly taken from me. When I came into my office and Damian's dad kicked the back of my knees and he started to talk to me... the sound of his voice...the texture...was different. His voice was a raw bi-level toned voice. I could hear a median tone and a low guttural tone coming from his diaphragm. There were inflections in some of the words he would repeat. Intonations in an accented way which sounded like he meant for it to get under my skin and bother the hell out of me.

All of a sudden my life went from being fully structured, organized, comforting, and happy; to a life that was dark, lost, cluttered, paranoid, frightened, confused, plagued, mentally impacted, and whisked away from who I was comfortable with as a man. Damian's dad's voice changed, his personality was angry and pressing words, forcing me to hear his shit as he forced me to feel sensations I didn't want. It was like I was watching the Joker from Batman. His eyes would widen and he'd grit his teeth...and he'd get close to me and say shit to me in those strange intonations.

Someone told me it was as if he was a master of this behavior. And I agree. He must have done this before...maybe more than just to his son. Whatever he did to me that night impacted me forever. He didn't want me to just feel regret for having told his son to tell his wife about his father molesting and raping him. Damian's dad wanted to do more than enact revenge upon me. He told me many times while the gorillas held me forcing me to feel him violating me and taking his anger in with much confusion as he said, "I love you little boy. I luuuuuuuuuuv you!" Or, "Cry cry cry cry cry cry!" Words that should be harmless to me.

Another person here told me he sounded as if he came from a "hillbilly horror movie." I didn't quite make the connection to "hillbilly" but it was indeed a horror. Damian's dad is a black man hardly a hillbilly. He was a church pastor. And I encouraged Damian to tell his wife. I didn't tell Damian to tell his church or his mom.

I will never dignify Damian's dad by mentioning his name. He was a demon to me pure and simple. That's how I will refer to him. Other people have mentioned I do not write clearly. It is true. When I'm serene I am more contemplative and aware of how I form the context of a sentence. But guys, there is no "form" in surveying and reacting to the violence which just happened or when recalling traumatic times from long ago. There is no way to block my own reaction to triggers. These things must be natural. It has to be natural. I'm so preoccupied with protecting my own mind when remembering. The triggers are freight trains. They hit me and derail me sometimes. Now if 10 years pass....then maybe I will be able to block the shit he did.

But for now, I am forcing myself to confront him. His behavior, his words. I'm not responsible for what he did to me or said to me. He did everything in his power to get me to piss myself. I don't think I can forget that. The harder I resisted the more he would try. It reminded me of the times my dad would beat me with his belt and would whip me harder if I dared cry. You're going to cry if your dad beats the shit out of you. It's the same here. Damian's dad tried to whip me, kick me, bite me to the bones. But the bugs..................did it man. I lost that battle. And I barely remember all the things he said., Only that I know that I can't say it sometimes. What he said I can't repeat. It's imprinted but is blocked. I've actually said it before to you...but tonight I cannot say it.

It was the strange environment that surrounded me, the eyes, the sounds, the words, the accent, intonations, inflections of words, his sound effects he'd make from his mouth...then pushing his penis inside me and forcing me to take it. The mother fucker! Or saying, "shame shame shame shame on you" when he did all these things. He kept saying that. So I paralyzed my brain. Because he didn't just defeat me. But he laughed at me and mocked me after I peed and after I had the orgasm. I could see his utter pleasure in watching me. I cannot fathom how GOD allowed this mother fucker to do this me! I don't mean that. Sorry.

I'm very calm tonight tho. So I feel more analytical and introspective than feeling threatened. I don't know if you all had felt all these triggers placed in your head by the perps but this was done quite purposefully, like a mine field. This rape was completely planned and orchestrated. He violated me in several different ways.
This was very hard on you to write. I can tell. I want you to know, I understand your feelings about the way this guy spoke to you. You said he orchestrated it and that he put triggers in your mind like "a mine field". The fact that just happened to you reminds me of my experiences as if it were just yesterday. And you said it perfectly. They laid these triggers, these actions, these words and every thing of our senses in our minds.

It reminds me of how my grampy was with me. They did that because they think in their dirty minds that it's going to hurt you, what they say and how they say it. That's how they see it in their minds. And they want to make you feel this terrible feeling of shame. They get off on it. I had all my life to think about what my grampy did to me and all the things he said too. So I know. I know what you are saying is true.

This bothered you I could tell. I pray for you to feel better. You will heal. But it won't happen quickly. It's going to take time for the splinters not to hurt so bad.

I came here and began reading what all of you are saying. And I cannot believe that so many of you have been through these things. I'm so sorry.