After All These Years
I finally decided that I needed to tell my story, both for myself and maybe to offer some help to others. After more than sixty years, i began having memories come back like pieces of a puzzle, one by one. I’ll be honest and say that it was like a gut punch. The first was probably the worst of all. I was only seven. Had a brother who was several years older. At the time, a cousin who was in his early twenties was there. We were all sharing a large bedroom that night, and this cousin and my brother started getting naked and fooling around with each other. They told me that’s what the big guys do, so they had me get naked as well. Then they told me that i should try to suck the cousins penis. I had no idea how to do that, so my brother told me what to do with my mouth and to make sure i covered my teeth. After a while he said there was something else even better that men do to help them grow up. The cousin had a small bottle of Vaseline and began to use it to get me ready. It was dark and they had me get on hands and knees, sort of on the edge of the bed. They took turns. All of a sudden i felt something go inside of me and heard my cousin say, “Here, you get in there first”. It was uncomfortable but not so painful. Then it stopped and i felt like that was it. After a moment, my cousin got into position and start to go inside of me. Same feeling as before for a while, but then he pushed harder and i felt the worst pain i had ever felt in my life. I told him it hurt, and he told me it was ok and that it would only hurt for a while. It was like i just froze at that point. I can’t even describe the pain when he started to really push in and out. I tried to get him to stop, but he held my body while he continued for what seemed to never end. Then finally he did stop, and i ran to the bathroom, still hurting. I felt like i needed to use the bathroom, but when i did, i guess it was the ejaculate coming out of my body. I was so scared and ashamed that I said nothing to anybody. From that point on my brother continued to use me in different ways, and i hope to be able to share more of the story. I am still trying to come to grips with having this nightmare hit me, along with others, after so many years. And i am realizing how all of this has impacted my life through the years. Want to heal, but it’s still very raw.