After a long hiatus I'm back for some advice

[lucentny]

Hi everyone,

I didn't post here that much, and took a break from it all and decided to just focus, focus, focus and take care of myself. I feel much better and more whole, but it took me awhile...some parts of me I don't think will ever feel okay from the breakup with my ex.

I just want to thank Kolisha and SAR - Do you know the two of you were angles to me???? You know, your insightful advice, warm kind words, meant so, so, so much to me....you have no idea and I wanted to say thankyou.

My ex is a survivor (his father sexually abused him from age 3 till god knows when). He acted out and became very abusive towards me. I saw him awhile back and he looked better, but strangely devoid of any emotion...I guess he has stabilized, but he is a loooooong way from being classified as OK. I think and worry about him everyday and send him my love through prayers...thoughts b/c he decided to end our communication.

It seems to be a recurring theme on this board of, "GO AWAY!!!" When I saw him he thanked me for saving his life, thanked me supportiving him and loving him, and then said please do not ever think that he ever wants to see me again - some things never change in a person. He said he feels "uncomfortable" when he sees me. What that exactly means I'm not quite sure, but I'm not going to think about that b/c it's something out of my control.

What I wanted to ask everyone here is that now that there has been ample space and distance between us I feel like I want/need to confront him on how abusive he was towards me....he was truly horrible...many of the things he did to me are too embaressing for me to type b/c I stood steadfastly by him and then when he decided to seek help I became persona non grata.

What I am wondering is I don't want to walk around and damage another person yet I feel in some ways like other survivors of abuse that I need to confront the person that hurt me...I know that not everyone feels this, but do you think this is dangerous??? Would this be very harmful in telling my ex calmly and rationally about how his actions hurt me?? Do you think I'm crazy for wanting to do this??

I don't know...part of me wants to do this so he knows that I'm strong, what he did didn't make me into a ugly mean person and that I forgive him. I feel like I want to get if off my chest and tell him, but am afraid he'll regress in his therapy.

I really want to do this, but am also afraid for his well being...Am I crazy to be worried about someone who nearly killed me with his sadistic cruelty??? I was suicidal...

Please let me know what you think of this...it would be helpful if malesurvivors answered this post to have the male perspective.

many thanks,
lucent

 

[Lloydy]

lucentny
welcome back, and it's so good to see you in good shape, despite everything.

Should you confront him?
It must be very tempting, and I have no doubt that some people do get some satisfaction and closure from confronting someone who has hurt them.

Even though he's now dealing with his past, the recent past - your separation - must also be hurting him. I bet he knows why it happened, and with any luck he's using therapy time to deal with it. I think confrontation would set him back.

But who's the most important person in your world?
You are, and that's where your choice lies.
Can you move on without confrontation or not?

That's a difficult decision.

Dave

 

[Caetel]

I have been through this feeling and the thing I realized was that the reason I really wanted to confront him was because I wanted to hurt him bad, hurt him the same way he hurt me. So I got the conclusion that it was all about vengeance and it was MY problem to deal with this unhealthy anger. The healing happened gradually and the most important part was to address a lot of the anger towards the person that make my love V so messed up: that is his mother ! I felt so much better after a session of "bashing the bag" in Mike Lew's workshop ! But the rest came gradually.
What also strikes me in the similarity is the link between guilt and responsability. Your guy and mine know deep down how horrible they have been but because they react as little boys, not grown up men (the abuse I believe blocked the process of growing up) they don't accept that they are responsible and still do stupid things hoping they will be forgiven by "mummy" and be loved unconditionally. When they are unable to take responsability, they are overwhelmed by guilt, can't face what they have done so avoid the cause of their guilt. There is a lot of growing up to do but they can only do that with therapy and they need time !
Anyway just a few thoughts that might help you today
Love
Caro

 

[SAR]

Hi lucent--

It's nice to see you around again and know that you're doing okay.

Have you read Ken Singer's article about disclosure? It has some points in it about confronting that might help you organize your thoughts about what you want to say and about the specific things that your ex did to hurt you.

I don't know...part of me wants to do this so he knows that I'm strong, what he did didn't make me into a ugly mean person and that I forgive him. I feel like I want to get if off my chest and tell him, but am afraid he'll regress in his therapy.

lucent... do YOU know that you are strong? Forget about what knowledge and forgiveness HE will gain by your confrontation. What do you need out of it? Do you need to forgive him to help you feel like you're not a mean person?

Personally I don't know if letting him know that his actions have hurt you will set him back in therapy. If he's really at a stage where he's unable to process the ways that his actions have hurt others, anything you say to him is just going to get lumped in with the pre-existing general "guilt about everything" which is probably part of what he's figuring out in therapy anyway.

I will say that it is frustrating to come to someone to let him know about something that's hurt you, and have him toss your feelings on to the general guilt pile and go straight back to gnashing his teeth about what a jerk he's been about EVERYTHING, how could it happen to HIM that someone called him on his behavior in such a hurtful way... without bothering to consider what you're really asking for or think about your feelings as separate from the rest of his stuff.

If any part of you has your hopes set on him reacting to confrontation in a way that's out of character or unexpected for him, I'd hold off.

Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

SAR

 

[kolisha54]

Hello again!

I have been wondering how you have been!

Have some very uncomfortable questions for you: sorry - but this is all part of OUR healing process - to "go deep" & examine our motivations.... So, her goes:

if you really think deeply about it, is your motivation in venting (1) to cause him pain? (2) to re-gain contact because having any sort of contact, even negative contact, gives you some odd kind of strength/energy/buzz? (3) in your deepest heart, are you trying to reconcile with him?

Until you know the answers, you will continue to experience inner turmoil.

Meanwhile, Laura Davis has written an excellent book called "I Thought We'd Never Speak Again" which is all about how ugly & bitter estrangements can be ended peacefully. You will also find a lot of loving advice on how to find the strength to "go on" when reconciliation and/ or confrontation is not practical or possible.

There is also a very helpful website at LauraDavis.net.

With love,

K54