*Triggers Possible* Afraid to sleep…

[raffa_will_fight]

I just got out of bed. I maybe slept 2 hours and now I am getting ready for work. Quick 10 hours today.
I woke up maybe an hour after falling asleep. I almost couldn’t breath. Felt like someone sitting on my face. Although I just was in a strange position and my face was pressed on my pillow. And as soon as I woke up the flashback hit so hard I started to cry. At least my eyes did.
TW
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The one sitting in my face held my knees open and down, while the other one started to play with my balls. I’m sure for them it was playing. Every time I started to cry out from pain, his ass pressed down. When I tried to scream because they pulled back my foreskin and pinched the glans e pushed down and rubbed himself against my face.
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There wasn’t much to this. Maybe a 5 minutes to add what I remembered so far. But F… to this point I know that smells are my big thing and trigger and became a fetish and I start to accept myself for that because I didn’t choose but this sensory memory, this feeling I have since I woke up, like a wet bad smelling face, the feeling of having to breath consciously because my body has still to remember to do it alone. I still are cupping my groin as if someone could reach over and squeeze. I live alone and am sitting on my couch. No one could squeeze anything or hurt me or sit on me. Reason more to be single. And now I have to get ready for work and smile.

This will be fun to read this evening and see how I feel then.

 

[I don't know my name]

That sounds sucky. Dreams and feelings in dreams, such as sensations, really can affect me negatively sometimes. I know when I am particularly overwhelmed, I become hypervigilant when I am trying to sleep and also asleep. Even if I do sleep, it is REM sleep but not deep sleep. I hope your day has been okay so far, and you are able to get some rest soon.

 

[LittleSteve]

In some ways, I find some attic memories like that some of the hardest to deal with. The other thing I found for myself at least when the somatic memory start I can’t stop them with a visual memory. I can usually pause it or delay it, but the somatic ones once they start they just have to play out in real time and to me that makes them a lot more difficult to deal with.

It seems like for us, the hardest part is getting sleep, I’m still struggling with that although it’s improving. Sometimes it just seems if I could just get a good nights rest. Some of this wouldn’t be so bad.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Thank you guys for replaying.

It has been a long day at work. Good because I was doing something, but even my customers noticed me coming and going.

Guess I now know what somatic means. I calmed down since this morning. Now I am in a state I could describe as calm, but it’s really just me functioning. I also see how important it was for me to get it out or I would have thought about it all day long. Over analyzing it and loosing the emotional impact it had. Thanks again to this place and you all.

During the day the flashback didn’t evolve much, but I remembered some more details. With the flashback last week the memories stopped at G going for my testicles, but then it was blanks again. I kind of imagined that pain could be the reason for my kind to give me a break to elaborate.
I had the luck to talk to some of you guys privately, and I am so thankful for that. Not that I don’t like to share with all, but the private conversation did feel a little less… stressful? To say the wrong thing or be to graphic. I don’t know.
One of the conversations was about pain inflicted on that aerea of the body. And some of you know by now that I am a trigger hunter (and o ten asking more than I could handle). Thank you for having shared and opened up even if some questions I made were really intimate. I guess that the feeling safe to write and ask and talk the way it feels natural to me, even if weird, could be a reason for the flashback. My brain telling me that it’s ok, I am stronger, and have the support if I need to talk about it.

TRIGGERS

Since this morning this little moment got a lot clearer. Visually and “sensoryally”? Is that a word?
There was a moment it seemed him opening up his glutes with one hand and lowering himself knowing where he wanted to land. I don’t know if this makes sense, but while before his position seemed almost jokingly and he just inadvertently brushed with his hole on my nose. Maybe he became aware of how it felt. Because then it was calculated. There is this phrase “open” and “lick it”, but I am unsure. It could be because I read a story yesterday, a thread with these words, so I want to take that into account. I do, though, have this sensation of my tongue moving when the memory comes up. And the memory of taste and smell, which are very vivid and clear. (I did rim some guys as an adult, but they were all clean. That makes it seem strange, knowing that smell).
The “playing” with my balls was an experiment, I guess. I remember distinctly G asking to tell him when it hurts. Just that he didn’t stop when I told. Most was squeezing, just one, then the other, both at the same time. I looked for “slapping” because I talked about that. Now I question if the questions that seem weird to me and that I ask are already a way of my brain to get to the answer alone. Same goes for some of the details in stories and comments that stick out and make my stomach queasy and sometimes have me other physical reactions…
The rough handling of the jewels combined to that strong imprinting of a male body part never been so close too, as well as that of an unclean teenager, is… interesting. And actually creating some feelings, I guess. Not sure what emotion the reaction my body belongs too. It’s at the beginning of the stomach, not like that fear before an exam, it’s quieter, it’s going around my lungs. Even starts now while I am writing. This is absolutely uncomfortable. I will shut this off after I am done writing, just trying to elaborate on it now. Write it down.
During the day there were many moments I brushed my hand over my face like if I was cleaning it. I just became aware of it because a customer asked if I was ok.

I feel the great need to make a thread that will be gross, and graphic, and detailed and triggering. And will ask questions that will be direct. But I need to have your opinion to make sense of what is going on in my brain and body. Maybe the need of validation, but more the need to understand a specific “thing” that tortures me for years and I finally start to get answers. I apologize for eventual form errors.

 

[LittleSteve]

Yeah, the physical sensations are the somatic part, the rest of it the visuals and smells and everything are just as much part of it as well.
Some parts we can blank out or disassociate, and they can be truly gone sometimes, when I get some attic, replays, minor never as strong as originally were, but I’ve had some that are strong enough that the muscles like for example in my neck were sore for hours afterwards and today, not in the past but today. I have a set of ice packs that I keep in the freezer for situations like that and then I also have heating pads for when that feels better.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Today I feel less lost, and kind of asking myself if that is good or if I get back to delete the emotions that came up yesterday. Elaborate with you guys is really helpful, thank you.

The physical sensations fortunately are gone, hard to handle them. What keeps coming out through out the day is this sense of taste and smell. In some way I am almost curious to see if it is some way for my brain to have me get used to, and then continue with another part of the memory, or if it is simply sometimes that hit me more than other things done by them.

 

[LittleSteve]

I am almost curious to see if it is some way for my brain to have me get used to, and then continue with another part of the memory

I’ve had memories come out like that where? For example the original memory kind of gives me a preview, and then the next time it’ll strengthen and add new dimensions, but not be a full memory yet, and then there’s the final full memory with all the somatic and everything else built in so what you’re describing can be a pretty normal process really and I’ve always thought of it. It’s away is this is my brains way of just saying I’m gonna give you as much as you can handle and I’m gonna withhold the rest until you’re ready for it and then I’ll give you as much as you need to be able to integrate the memory.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

straight to the point, exactly. I even start to think that when I ask a question that to me seems “wrong” or too straight forward or weird, what makes me ask it is like feeling there could be something my brain wants to “test” first how I react when another person gives me details. It happened with erections first making me feel guilty, but then noticing they come up when what I read is related to the abuse