Afraid to Move Forward

[Jude]

The other day I had a painful therapy session. Not the worst ever, but still it left me confused and fearful.

I confessed to my therapist that I thought I was starting to feel some distance between the present "me" and the pain that I've carried so many years, and that disturbed me. He wondered why that wasn't a good thing. After all, isn't that what we've been working toward in our sessions?

Well, yes....but still, I couldn't answer why I felt troubled about it. So he did his therapist thing and we eventualy got to the the answer: FEAR. After 40+ years of surpressing that pain, and using everything the world offers to try to mask it, now I am afraid of the prospect of letting it go. Afraid that it won't really go away, it will just go into hiding, only to come roaring back and turn my life upside down again. Just when I'm beginning to create something of a life, the prospect of returning to flashbacks, crying jags, and constant turmoil, is upsetting. I'm not sure I could survive it again.

My therapist pointed out that that's not likely to happen, but that I have developed the tools, resilience, and support systems to survive nearly anything the world throws at me.

He then questioned whether I believe that I really deserve to be happy. Perhaps my lifelong self-identity as a "worthless piece of shit" is what still wants to deprive me of happiness.

I don't know. I'm still processing this. Still thinking through it. But I thought I'd put it out there: What if you're on the verge of acheiving the healing you've sought and worked for, only to find your self afraid to move forward with it?

OMG, how fucked up is that?

 

[randombreeze]

Jude,

I've felt this same way recently, and while I'm a newbie at posting anything let alone doling out advice to a veteran like yourself, felt compelled to chime in.

I don't think your thoughts are fucked up at all, and believe you may have answered your own question. Fear can be paralyzing, and even when we want it badly, and know with all our heart that change is necessary and inevitable, that change can be terrifying.

While it may sound counter-intuitive to progress, there really is comfort in the familiar. It's predictable. The familiar "fits" us like a pair of old shoes. But eventually we have to toss the old for new, and that sometimes applies to old ways of feeling and thinking.

Like you, I've suppressed my pain for more than 40 years, and every step toward healing has been scary. Fear, was, and to some extent, still is my constant companion.

But like a new pair of shoes, eventually I think we can "break in" new ways of feeling and seeing.

Feelings like confidence, safety, and the ability to accept and give unconditional love.

It appears you've come quite a long way to arrive at this place of questioning your ability to handle the breakthrough...the putting of distance between the past and how you presently feel. Stay on track and go for it....as you know the rest of us understand and have your back.

Peace, Paul

 

[gettingstronger]

Jude,

Isn't that one of the vast multitude of things people like us run into? The fear of success? I know damn good and well how scary that is!

I'm really happy for you that you've had this sort of breakthrough. So many of us have unconsciously bought into that mindset that finally naming and exposing it is a huge thing indeed. Moving it to the Trash Can of Defunct Beliefs (we all have one, or should!) can be somewhat harder.

I know how tough it is to distinguish between issues masked and issues resolved. Resolution is something new to people like us, and like so many new things, it's scary. You're on the right track, though, and even if it's fearful I know you'll carry on and do well.

Bob

 

[kcinohio]

Believe you're onto something here, Jude.

Personally, part of that fear for me is/was a fear of "what if I can't make it" when this CSA related stuff is no longer weighing me down. What I'm finding with the extent to which I've "let it go" (it isn't an all or nothing in my experience, but a degree of letting go instead), is that "making it" is being redefined in tandem with how things progress. That notion keeps changing and hopefully gradually shifts to something reasonable and where I become aligned with in my life as an "along life's journey" kind of way.

Another part of it is that I fear abandoning myself as a child then by getting beyond how bad things were. But, whether fortunately or unfortunately, I have regular reminders of that experience. And I don't claim that my history is on the harder side of those on this forum, but it was hard enough for me. Realistically, I can only be healthy and also look at my own part in the messes of my adult life and make changes accordingly while accepting responsibility for my own actions, by letting that wounded-child self go to a certain extent. But, it honors that child's survival by doing so as healthily and fully living as I'm capable now.

There are probably other parts to the fear, but in my limited experience in healthier living, the better quality of life is so much better than being mired constantly in the pain of the past while simultaneously working on the ongoing responsibilities of the present. Plus, there's something to be said for not peaking too early. I had enough glimpses of success along the way to know that if I had had smooth sailing 20 or more years ago as a young adult in life, I would have made a complete mess of it regarding what I've found matters to me now. So, doing better later in life is its own kind of blessing in a way.

The only other thing I've found about such fear is I don't have to wait for it to disappear to move forward. I can, at times, move through the fear, and live reasonably well with self-care even when I'm a little shaky doing so at the same time.

Best wishes on your continued progress.

 

[traveler]

yeah, Jude, i know what you mean. i've been there too. at one point in therapy i was afraid that i was losing myself because i was changing and didn't know who i would end up being. my T reassured me that i was becoming a better version of myself - and just shedding some old restrictive skin or shell like a snake or some sea creatures have to do. it is a vulnerable situation - but a sure sign of growth.

throughout my life i have repeatedly avoided trying new things because of the fear of failure. i felt like i would be better off not having tried than to have tried and failed - once again. who knows how many things i might have succeeded in and enjoyed if i had only had the guts or confidence or degree of risk-taking to have attempted them?

a quote from Hamlet that i think applies is, "but that the fear of something... makes us rather bear those ills we have, than fly to others that we know not of." it's like the old saying, "better the devil you know than the devil you don't know." it is also one of the things that keeps many of us from telling what happened to us.

i love Paul's analogy of the shoes. to add to that, remember what it felt like to get a new pair of tennis shoes when you were a little kid? almost like you could do anything - run faster, jump higher, be a superstar! go ahead and try on that new pair of shoes - you'll be surprised at where they can take you!

Lee

 

[don64]

Hi Jude,

I've been feeling what you're talking about for a while now. For me, it's me bumping into a negative thinking grounded belief that says things will never get better for me, that no matter what I do, my participation in my life just can't make things better. I've been observing this belief for close to a year now, actually I suspect as long as I've been participating with MS. Many aspects of my life are better than before MS, and I'm getting ready to move back into the world of people again.

For me, I am just observing the many positive changes that have occurred in my life, which do fly in the face of the belief that things can't get better, and believe the only way through this is to walk through it, and feel the continuous difference and the building of habit strength as I experience my dreams manifesting. I don't think I'll ever really believe it until I live it. I intend to do that.

Sending you love and support,

Don

 

[KMCINVA]

Jude

I think we all have lived with a negative self image of ourselves. The abuse gives us a damaged self image, I do not deserve happiness, I do not deserve the best. At least for me, I always thought someone was seeing through my charade, knowing I was abused and thinking they will see me as damaged goods. It takes work and learning to think of ourselves in a different light. We need to accept it was not our fault and we are as good as everyone else. Letting go of the negative feelings and not being ashamed of what happened allowed me to find happiness.

You are so close, it is that damn nagging negative self talk that keep us back. Your therapist is getting you on the right track. You are a good person and deserve to be happy--forget the abuser--do not let what was done control you.

Keep going.

Kevin

 

[traveler]

i just found this thread that i vaguely remembered - on a similar theme.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=60202&Number=424182#Post424182

Lee

 

[Jude]

Thanks for all your comments guys. Yeah, so I guess I am realizing how negative ways of thinking about myself and my life, are familiar and hard to let go of. Even though they make me unhappy, its what I am used to, and besides I HATE CHANGE. But I don't want to be the guy with "loser" stamped on his forehead anymore. I don't expect a life without pain, including pain from my abuse. But its becoming more a bad thing that happened long ago, and less an experience that controls my life today.

You can go from this.....
[img:center]https://www.tattoostime.com/images/236/loser-forehead-tattoo-2.jpg[/img]





To this.........Just Don't give up
[img:center]https://blog.ourchurch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/happy-man.jpg[/img]

 

[sorryson]

Hey Jude I am where you are. I think questioning will allow me to find some answers. I admit my conclusions change through out the day depending on how I feel. I am trying to understand and I know I want to be happy. I see happy people around me and I see unhappy people around me. I do not want to be like the unhappy people who always criticize and make fun of everyone or only laugh when making fun of someone else.

My couselor and doctor keep telling me it will happen--I guess I trust them and wait for the day it happens. I have so much bottled up emotions from the abuse and all the family issues that sometimes it seems too much. I am now whittling away small piece at a time.

I am having a good day today so I am optimistic. I just wish I could be like this every day.

 

[justplainme]

Forgiveness is when we let go of all hopes for a better past. You owe yourself a life of joy bud!

 

[don64]

I love it, Justplainme. Thanks. Don

 

[Jude]

Forgiveness is when we let go of all hopes for a better past.

Thanks jpm. We all need to remember how ridiculously futile it is to try to change the past. As if that were even possible!

We have denied it, buried it, kept it a secret, drowned it in alcohol, escaped it with drugs, repressed it with sex, tried everything else the world has to offer. None of these worked for long. Now all that's left is accepting it, dealing with the damage done to us as best we can, and hold onto hope for a better FUTURE.

Jude

 

[Bluedogone]

I saw a sign recently that said - "I don't have a fear of falling, I have a fear of LANDING"

I guess it's just a matter of how far along we are in the process. And it's good to hear you are pretty far along in the process of healing. Congratulations on such a success. It seems strange, but understandable, to think of success as a reason to be a little apprehensive. And it's even more strange for me to be saying to you what you've said so many times to so many members.
...We "get it" and we've got your back...

 

[unhappycamper]

I've found this a very insightful thread. I still have some of the fears that Jude mentions in the top post: since the Age of Flashbacks began in 1994, I've been afraid to turn my back on the CSA. After all, that's what I did for 35 years, and all I got was a blighted existence and a nearly fatal implosion. Many times I've decided I'm "past the past," but then a major backtrack just feeds the fear. But I guess life doesn't guarantee anybody happiness, so maybe the answer is just to settle for this.

And I won't bore you by repeating what I think about the idea of "forgiveness." Peace!

John