afraid of who i must become

afraid of who i must become
Z

zadok1

Registrant
I feel that I am on the verge of some great revelation, or evolution might be better. After a lifetime of masturbating several times a day to all sorts of lurid fantasies involving every woman I met, not to mention diving into porn sites up to my neck, I feel that my sex life is finally healthy. Yes, I masturbate on occasion when I really need it as a release, not because it is some form of escape or coping tool. It fills me with pride to realize that I know the difference after years of being all messed up. For the first time, it feels like I have a clear understanding of who I am, what I need from others, and what weaknesses I need to work on. Yet, this is the most afraid I have ever been.

All my life I have lived in this comfort zone of self-abuse and addictive/compulsive behavior, and I am taking those first steps into a world of truly living without them. I know that I need to grow a spine and stand up for myself better, but that too frightens me. My wife is used to this passive doormat of a man, and I wonder what happens when I do what I need to do. What happens when I make demands and voice all the opinions I used to bottle up? I have matured enough to know that I cant live like that any longer, but I am still afraid of what I must become. I am afraid of what it will cost me, but the fear of staying the way I was is even greater. Life is forcing me through this gate now that I know who I need to be, but the unknown is a scary place.

Already, tensions have been on the increase. She was bitching about how I did a few things, and I finally looked over and said that I had to do things my way. I told her that I wasnt her, and that I had lived for thirty-two years before we met, and my way never killed me. I said that I had been watching the baby for months while she worked, and I might not feed and play with him in the same way she did, but that he hadnt died from lack of care. Each of us has our way of tackling life, and what works for me has just as much merit as her way. I refuse to label myself a failure because my way is different from hers, and I refuse to change to please her, as if I could.

Debbie is a fine wife and mother, but to be honest she lacks compassion for the plight of others. For her everything is black and white, and everyone who cant do something is failing because the choose to. I was a sex addict because I chose to act that way, and her friend struggling with weight is that way because she chooses to be that way. She feels that if something is important enough that you can simply choose to do something else. The fact that you cant control your mind and body is totally beyond her. To her you masturbate because that is what you chose to do, and she cant understand being driven to it by a sick mind that demands an escape from problems. She doesnt fathom a point where sickness demands and you no longer have a choice. I guess I am used to it for myself, but it really bothers me when she criticizes others that are suffering.

My brother got divorced this summer after a very dysfunctional marriage. I can feel for him because I know that even though we havent spoken of it, I know he suffers from the effects of the abuse just as I do. It sickens me that my wife doesnt have enough compassion in her to let him grieve and be a depressed bastard for as long as it takes. Yes, he is bitter and angry, who wouldnt be?

Now its my sisters turn in the bad relationship game. Her fianc lost his job and went to jail for thirty days after being caught doing something sexual with an inmate under his charge. Naturally he said the prisoner was lying, and my sister being the screwed up mess that we all are, bought it. I suppose she couldnt do anything else. Someone with compassion could understand that she isnt a perfect person, and that sometimes it is easier to believe a lie than to live with what the truth means. That is totally foreign and beyond my wife. She calls my sister stupid for putting up with it, and even after I try to explain, she just doesnt get it.

What happens when healing allows you to see the forest for the trees, and in surveying you realize that you screwed up yet again? What happens when there are children you love, a wife you should, and a life that you can no longer live? What happens when you lean on God, and he demands you be faithful and true to your vows, and you realize that means living with something that will never fulfill you in its current form? What happens when you must force things to evolve and change after so many years of being the way they are? What happens when you have grown enough to know better, but not enough to be over that transition between the two?

By the way, you can call me Jeff, I am afraid I dont feel very Zadokish (the just ones, or justified ones) at the moment.
 
Welcome Jeff !

wonderful to have you here.

Dave :D
 
Jeff:

For the first time, it feels like I have a clear understanding of who I am, what I need from others, and what weaknesses I need to work on. Yet, this is the most afraid I have ever been.
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and
What happens when you have grown enough to know better, but not enough to be over that transition between the two?
Click to expand...
You hang in there, man. Just hang in there. Decisions made hastily at uncertain times can cause regret. Clarity will come. As tough as it is to imagine right now, there will be more clarity.

You are at a wonderful time. Things may never be the same, but would you want thenm to be the same? You might not recognize you at first, others might not recognize you for a while. But you are emerging and you will be ok. The old you wants to hold on, and has some nasty tricks it is prepared to play. You'll make it, though.

Peace, and hang in.
 
Jeff,
For the first time, it feels like I have a clear understanding of who I am, what I need from others, and what weaknesses I need to work on. Yet, this is the most afraid I have ever been.
Click to expand...
I've never felt so vulnerable and helpless in my life as I do right now. Part of me wants to change so badly but the other deeper part likes things the way they have been. I feel your pain, my brother. Take care.
mike
 
Hi Jeff, Many years ago I was feeling much the same as you are right now. I felt I was on the threshold of some great ephiphany and that my life was fundamentally going to change. I was teetering on the edge of this change. I was excited, nervous and totally terrified. "there is no courage without anxiety". I remembered asking my therapist, "but what will I be like when all this is over?" I was referring to my therapy, which was now into its fifth year with those wonderful shrink. I had had a severe disassociative disorder and was reaching the point of integrating into one cohesive self .....and the little boy in me had no idea what this adult would be like. Sounds strange
I know. The therapist answered, "something,someone,absolutely wonderful." His voice was deep and melodic, and the way he said it convinced me that he would be right. It was a leap of faith. Enjoy this time
Jeff. Change is scary .....but what the hell...go for it. Be good to yourself.
 
thank you all, especially you Andrew. your post makes me feel a little more at ease as i face this. this site is quickly becoming a real help to me. thanks again to all of you.
 
Dear Jeff, I am fairly certain that you are unnecessarily beating yourself up about your sex games as a ten year old. I am assuming that the little girl who turned out so messed up was within 3 years of your own age. Jeff, you were just a little kid then too, you were all little kids. Little kids do play little experimental 'sex' games, exploring and discovering each other's body parts, playing doctor etc. But usually, no big deal. All part of the developmental process for kids. You were not a perpetrator at 10 years old or anything like that!
People turn out messed up all the time, and the vast majority of them were not sexually abused as kids. No doubt there were other factors in her life that contributed to her less than favourable outcome.
 
i have long ago forgiven myself for all of that. it was more to show the orignal post could have gone the other way, and the results still come out the same. i am sure michele had her own past that made what we did destructive. i used to blame myself, but that was some time ago now. :)
 
Jeff
Andrew's absolutely right, don't ever confuse what you did as a child as abusing another. Your abuse was just being transfered - the blame lise squarely elsewhere.

When we move on we change dramatically, I now have new friends, and some truly wonderful old ones. But there are others I've left behind.
I think differently, act differently, and have done gradually over the last 3 or 4 years.
And I still have trouble accepting it, I just can't believe it sometimes.

I work for a small charity that provides therapy for SA victims, I volunteer to make coffee, answer the phone and 'chaperone' the clients when they arrive.
And last night I was invited to a get together with the people from the charity.
I arrived and much to my surprise it was a small gathering just for 'staff' - none of the supporters and fundraisers were there.
I just went numb - here I was in the local mayors house ( a big supporter ) with all the therapists and paid staff. And for a while my old thought patterns kept asking me "what the f**k am I doing here ?"
But I was welcomed and accepted.

That whole experience was just so new to me, people I respect and admire treated me as an equal, and I'm still having trouble accepting that.
And that's just one thing among many.

All these new experiences and emotions take some getting used to when we're adults and experiencing them for maybe the first time.
But I find that the more I do experience the more I enjoy it. Although there are difficult decisions that have to be made. But there's no decision bigger than saying "I was sexually abused, please help me"

Five years ago I was cruising public toilets for sex, last night champagne and fine wines with the bloody mayor !

I've often written here about the 'high' I could create through fantasy before acting out, last night was a different high. And I loved it.

Dave
 
Would it be helpful for a post about "normal" childhood sexuality? A post about "abuse-reactive" sexuality? I can put some info up, if there people want to know about this area. I teach a course on child and adolescent sexuality for grad students and can give you a brief (?) posting on this area if you want to know about what is "normal" childhood sexual behaviors as well as talk about abuse-reactive (caused by sexual victimization).

Ken
 
Hi Ken,

Thanks much. I would very much appreciate so info on normal child and adolescednt sexuality.

Bob
 
Jeff,

I know what you're saying. What next? How could I have been so (dumb, blind, foolish, etc., etc.)?

I can only offer what I keep telling myself; a bunch of cliches, but true for me.

--One day at a time. Where I think something is going or how it will turn out is hardly ever accurate, especially when other people are involved.

--Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I once cut all contact with a group of friends because two of them were "bad influences" on me. I regretted that for a long time, because of the good friends I lost.

--Don't burn bridges. Sometimes the only way onward is back across that bridge.

About your wife, I know people like her. In fact, my sister is like her. Nothing ever changed her mind, until recently. She has realized that according to her beliefs, her own "choices" must be responsible for problems she is having, including some health problems. The shoe is truly on the other foot now and she wonders why people have little sympathy and understanding for her.

Interestingly, this sister has always been the one to completely fall apart in an emergency or crisis situation. Just the phone being out of order can put her into a ranting fit that becomes an attack on anyone in the vicinity. Is your wife like that too?

I know for a fact that she is terribly insecure. She will hardly ever ask for help with anything, and then complains that no one offers help. If she does ask, she will then criticize the quality, amount, effort, or timeliness of the help given. She is compulsive with respect to cleaning and record keeping.

Any of this sound familiar?

I'm not really recommending this, but if the occassion for a rational discussion should happen, you might ask her what I asked my sister once. "Why do you choose to be so critical? Why do you choose to never give the benefit of the doubt? Why do you choose to never show compassion or understanding?"

My sister had no answers, but she did think about it, and her behavior did change for a while.

Don't know if a lot of this applies, but at the very least, maybe you can let her know that it is her choice to behave and think the way she does, and you would really like to understand that choice. Or is it a choice? Maybe it too is the result of a "sick mind"?

Donald
 
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